Severely matted hair...

[Becca19962014]

Please don't judge.

Due to physical and mental health problems my waist length hair has become completely matted. It hasn't been washed, nor my body in years, it is so foul and disgusting that I can't even get a hairdresser to see me.

I cannot wash it and have no money to pay for someone to help me. My last hospital admission I was told to shave it all off and accept I'll never have hair as I cannot care for it and cannot afford help.

My disability has cost me everything. It took years to grow my hair but gradually I could do nothing at all with it.

It's now at a point whereby its matted at the back and the top is matted into the back. I bought a big detangler hair brush after I was told to use one on it before (but it was for thin hair not thick like mine) and back brush it with dry conditioner by an OT - that was when it became totally tangled and it just got worse. I spend a lot of time in bed lying on it and must wear a medical device which sits on my hair for at least twelve hours every day.

I spent my childhood being forced to have an almost shaved head. I was suspended more than once because of it and my family (not that I have a lot to do with them) bullied and mocked me for have disgusting long hair when I left home and grew it, even though then it wasn't anything like it is now. My experience of hairdressers is having my wishes ignored and having combs yanked through my hair which resulted in bald bleeding patches as they refused to accept a comb has never gone through my hair.

It's been years.

I've no idea what I want from this thread. I went to see a hairdresser this morning, literally to see them, to speak about it, not touch, and they literally laughed and said it was too disgusting to even touch and told me to just shave it myself at home, I couldn't have a wig as I live somewhere very windy, charged me for the advice and send me on my way. They were obviously taking photos of me and I'm really worried what for. I wish I'd never gone. There's no other hairdresser here and I'm feeling really upset. I can't really put into words how hard it was for me to go there and now I'm really ashamed.

So other than completely shaving my head, any ideas?

OP, I'm so sorry by how badly let down you have been. Contact your MP, Have them advocate for you. Regardless of any diagnosis you should be receiving higher rate support given your level of difficulties. So many people have clearly let you down. If you need help putting a letter together and contacting your MP then feel free to contact me.

Oh you poor thing. You really are in a tight spot.

Oh this sounds really tough. You've been given some good links to follow. I would just add that you could contact your local councillor to ask them for help. They will usually speak to social services for you. This might mean talking to people you dont know, explain how hard this is for you.

In relation to your hair, I think to make it manageable you're going to have to cut some length off. And then you can focus on some of the techniques people have shared, lots of lots of conditioner and start teasing the matted bits.

Someone linked to wipes they use, that would be a good way to start if you felt it was manageable. It would be a small step to you looking after yourself, and valuing the worthwhile person you are.

Never doubt how brave you are. It took so much guts to go to that salon. They were absolute dicks. Screw them. It was also really brave to post here. You keep going.

Re letting people into your home... someone said earlier you ‘had’ to.

I just wanted to say that actually, no, you don’t and that could be a very triggering thing to say to someone who’s terrified due to past abuse, even if it wasn’t meant literally.

When your boundaries have been stripped away from you by parents who abused you as they pretended to care for you, and by a system and individuals since... it’s incredibly hard to let anyone near you ever again. Or into your personal space.

When you don’t have the strength or resilience or belief to enforce your own boundaries, whether that’s your private space, or your own private body, even just a carer who is not particularly kind or just rude or disinterested can do massive harm.

So, it’s important to get this right and to build up a relationship of trust between you and a carer before they go anywhere near your body or hair. I think you should include this as part of any discussion about personal care (with a charity who can advocate for you I hope!). This is part of your needs now and cannot be minimised or ignored. It may be ‘inconvenient’ or annoying as it doesn’t work out the cheapest cost cutting exercise for the authorities... but your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and forcing you to endure additional trauma as a certainty of their plan to ‘meet your needs’ means they’re failing to meet your needs.

That’s all for further down the line though, as they aren’t getting that far even to fail your needs at that stage.

Anyway, take care.

Becca I don't have anything productive to add but I'm sure I've seen you posting on threads in the past, usually about benefits and other related social justice issues and I always really valued your posts and would feel for you at the tough stuff you've described but also genuinely thought "wow" at your strength, kindness, and knowledge. It makes me soo sad to read this post as you're one of the MNetters I really really admire on this site and have learned a lot from.

My MIL had similar issues with her hair although it wasn't anywhere like as long as yours was, but she did wash it occasionally (maybe once a month or so) and she did find a sympathetic hairdresser locally to her that cut it into a short bob and since then she's been much better able to manage it and washes it about once a fortnight I think. She has severe mental health problems and some physical health problems too but her physical disabilities are nowhere near as severe as yours, she is physically able to get in and out of the bath and wash herself unaided and travel in taxis to places etc.

Do you have a carer at all? I'm a bit confused about that, because you mentioned having a needs assessment that said you'd be left with £25 a week, would that be after your care? Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to? Although I know PIP/DLA is a farce, I'm waiting on a PIP tribunal myself, I applied in September 2017 and no sign of tribunal yet.

Housing associations here are for twelve months maximum only and require a guarantor which I don't have as well as being expensive.

Are you sure you haven't got the wrong end of the stick about this? New tenants get a 12 month starter tenancy, they don't kick you out after 12 months. sheltercymru.org.uk/get-advice/renting/housing-association-tenancies/starter-tenancies/

I think it's also unusual for a HA to ask for a guarantor?

Wellthisisshit - I do appreciate what you are saying, you are right that I shouldn't have said she HAD to have someone in ... although I do still feel strongly she desperately needs that. She is clearly exhausted, had some significant mental health problems and isn't able to keep herself clean. It's really a very tragic situation and if she says she cannot wash and hasn't for years and that has significantly impacted her interactions with others than I just don't see another way. It's a vicious cycle that she is unable to break herself. Without any outside help it appears the OP will continue is this negative cycle.

The OP doesn't have to have anyone in her house, she doesn't have to get help, but I am really wondering what you think the solution is here? Unless she has some sort of advocate she is not going to be able to move forward. I do think that person need to be someone who works within he remit, someone who she can come to trust, I am not at all saying she has to add any Tom, dick or harry in her house, but without any outside intervention I am confused how you believe the OP can move forward?

Genuinely interested, I'm not arguing. I do accept my wording was poor, but just interested in what you believe the best course of action if it's not outside help?

I understand what you're saying, mummyhaschangedhername. Op absolutely does not have to accept outside help, but if she doesn't nothing can change. It's a very difficult situation.

I know, it's so heartbreaking and she has been let down badly.

glitter that's what it said in the offer letter. Nothing about a 'starter tenancy' just that you reapply after 10 months to stay for another twelve and if unsuccessful must obtain private let and it was clear it's not intended as long term accommodation. I did ask for clarification as I'd been led to believe it was otherwise by an OT, and MN, after putting a thread on here about it, but they were clear that's how it works.

I get all the benefits I'm entitled to, I didn't qualify for high rate mobility so low mobility despite having major difficulties walking it was refused, mid care and disability premiums. Council Finance said my contribution to care (same as everyone here) is every penny I get over what an adult without needs gets to live on, so I'd be left with £73.10 a week (basic ESA) but I'd need to top up my rent from that £73.10 a week and there are things that I need that weren't included in care package which would need to come from the remaining money which is why I'd have about £25 left. The package was for things I don't have now but I have a lot of needs that they refuse to cover so very difficult situation.

thank you all for suggestions I'm reading even if I'm not replying direct am not very well today, don't want you thinking I'm ignoring anyone, I'm not.

The contract for the HA had a section for the guarantor to fill in and sign - it said contract was subject to checks on guarantor being successful. The property it turned out wasn't appropriate but that's the HA standard tenancy agreement.

I got it out last night to check after I saw what you posted just in case!

Nothing about a 'starter tenancy' just that you reapply after 10 months to stay for another twelve and if unsuccessful must obtain private let and it was clear it's not intended as long term accommodation.

Okay. What that means is that they do a financial reassessment periodically. So it absolutely IS intended as long term housing, provided you stay below a certain income level.

I doubt they'll be able to refuse you because you lack a suitable guarantor. They might have some crackpot local policy to try to get one anyway. But if you're in housing need, have come through the housing list and dont have a guarantor, then they're either going to have to waive that or there'll be some scheme for the LA to provide a surety for you.

In any case, the guarantor clause is very easily challenged as discriminatory or causing hardship.

You need access to welfare and housing advice.

Oh my goodness I’m sorry to hear you aren’t getting the support and care you need and deserve
If I knew you, I’d want to ring your GP and ring ss duty desk
And say due to complex mh and physical issues you can’t manage your basic activities of living
You deserve an assessment of your needs by a community OT I would have thought and appropriate aids and assistance supplied
I’m so sorry you’ve been so let down
Thanks for reaching out here
Best wishes x

With regard to care costs in Wales there is a cap of £70 per week for care at home. Either it's changed since your last assessment or you've been given incorrect info. gov.wales/topics/health/socialcare/care/?lang=en

www.disabilityrightsuk.org/charging-community-care

Thanks battleax ill look into that should suitable accommodation come available.

glitter there was a reason for it being extra but I genuinely don't know so I'll add that to my look into list for when I feel able to do so.

I would also complain about the hairdressers on social to shame them. They sound like absolute shits.

No! Don't call them out on social media. It will not go well for the OP.

I've no intention of doing that glitter don't worry. I don't do social media at all.

OP if you can use a brush/comb on your hair then start by taking a very small section under the back of you hair.
Put loads of conditioner (dry shampoo but that contains conditioner) on it and try to gentle put your fingers through it, you need to start at the very end of the length of hair and gently tease your fingers through, going a little higher (but not more than a cm each time) when you can get your fingers through try the brush BUT use the same technique. You can leave the conditioner in until you can rinse (dry shampoo is ok to leave).
I used to detangle hair like you describe when I was a stylist and looked after people who couldn't do it themselves.

Dry shampoo is going to make it worse,

It’s to create texture and soak up excess grease (with powder which then gets brushed out upon vigorous brushing). It oomphs up hair that needs a wash as it separates each hair with the powder making the hair drier and less able to stick together.

None of which will help here! I too tried dry shampoo and it just added grey powder to the mono-dread, and more stuff to stick together. Ugh!

Now I use it on my frondy front bits but that’s because I can brush those tiny bits out. I still wouldn’t go near the back of my head with it :)

No dry shampoo! That will make it so much worse. That makes the hair grippy and you need it slippy to unmatt and gentle tease it out of the knots. Normal conditioner shouldn't be left in unless you can rinse- that will dry and leave a sticky/tacky ness.

Serum or an oil product is the only thing you should add- put on fingers and start from the tips.

There are lots of waterless shampoo and conditioner available now

Hello, dd hair got very matted after being ill and in bed for a couple of weeks.

I did some internet research and there is a specialist product called knotty boy for removing dreadlocks, which might help?

We managed without it in the end, but might be worth considering?

Katy xx