So I've realised I'm actually just an old, fat woman.

[Wilburissomepig]

I went out at the weekend - nothing fancy, just a meal in a nice restaurant with friends. I bought some lovely cigarette pants, great top and heels and put a lot of thought into jewellery, shoes etc and I felt great for the first time in ages. (It's been a tough year and I haven't been out much). A friend posted the most unflattering photo of me on Facebook and I could cry. Firstly because it's so clearly a terrible photograph and I would never do that to a friend (with a 'ha ha ha, not your best look' comment underneath), and secondly, mostly actually, because it's me in the photo - that's what I look like. Even when I thought I looked my best I look old and fat and I'm feeling like shit.

Do you know what I think happened, OP? I think you looked smoking on your way out and felt really good and your happiness and confidence shone through. And I think your bitchcow "friend" was threatened by this, and couldn't stand the idea of you looking and feeling good, and had to find a way to try to humiliate you in front of everyone you know, because that's what bitchcows do instead of being happy. And she had to point out that it was "not your best look", because everyone who knows you knows how lovely you would have looked, and she would look like a gibbering idiot if she didn't acknowledge that this was actually not typical of how you look AT ALL.

Anyway, you say you want to lose weight? I'd start by ditching ten stone or however much of SPITEFUL, MEAN SPIRITED, JEALOUS, SPITTING BITCHCOW and never look back.

What a fucking BITCHCOW.

A friend of mine's a brilliant photographer - award-winning. I know she loves me, but her photos of me are invariably awful. She manages to make beautiful photos of her (not conventionally attractive) husband, so it's definitely not due to an obsession with true representation. She gets very offended if I say her pictures of me are crap

I think she really does see me as fat, old and dozy - well, I am, but I can take a flattering selfie if I put my mind to it!

On the rare occasions when I feel all hurt and/or self-loathing because of these photos, I cheer myself up by ... pausing a video often, or playing one slowly. It's noticeable that even the most heart-stoppingly gorgeous stars look downright fucking weird when you do this. Facial expressions, blinking, unexpected angles: they actually make up the majority of any film, but in motion we don't notice!

So, in short - candid shots will be strange-looking if they're honest. It's kinder to rattle off a few dozen shots, so there should be at least one decent frame, but that isn't what people do. Go watch some slebs looking awful in freeze-frame!

I have the cure for you!

Sit through 5 hours of your DP’s 50th birthday, watching ‘candid’ photos of your aging and weight gain projected onto several 5ft screens around the venue.

The horror wears off after about the 14th scroll around —drink—

You've taken it to heart because your 'friend' is a shit.
Somebody I know has put up a pic of her friend with builder bum and all. Nice.

The camera can absolutely lie. One issue is that as photos are only 2 dimensional, with the wrong lighting you can look much broader than you do IRL because perspective isn't apparent. Then, there's the classic problem of being caught mid-change of expression so you look more wrinkled than naturally, or in a strange-looking pose because you were moving at the time. Finally, we're so used to seeing air-brushed celebrities and perfectly posed selfies (the chosen selfie on display being the 50th attempt) that we lose sight of what's 'normally' attractive.

Your 'friend' has undoubtedly chosen the worst pic of you she could find in an attempt to look good by comparison - a vain and selfish act on her behalf.

Firstly I've seen photos of gorgeous people I know which make them look much less attractive before. Honestly. People might be beautiful but still have one angle, among hundreds, that is particularly unflattering, and which happened to be the one captured in that one photo which gets put up on social media. It's very unlikely that that's what you look like all the time.
And also you could consider the possibility that the photo isn't that bad, it just happens to tap into your current insecurities. Maybe in a month you'll start to notice nice details about it. In any case, you sound beautifully groomed and people really notice that. Please don't let it spoil your memories of the night - I'm sure you looked fab, and other people who were there will remember you looking fab. Why does your previous opinion, where you felt great for the first time in ages, suddenly get discounted by a single photo? You gotta trust your own opinion more.

Secondly, do ask her to delete if it bothers you, that's fine. People have put bad photos of me up before, I don't really mind tbh, but if it did bother me I'd have no compunctions about getting them to take it down.

People just don't think, honestly, I'm sure she won't be doing this to show you up or anything. She'll be thinking in her head, Wilbur is so gorgeous that I'm sure she has tons of self confidence and it won't matter a bit that there's one slightly dodge photo of her on the internet, as anyone who knows her knows that she's tons more attractive than this! Even her comment kind of points to this - she is acknowledging that you can look much better, that you have a 'best look'. I'm sure she'd be vv surprised to hear that you have insecurities about this, whereas if, in her eyes, you were a less attractive person, she'd probably think twice about putting up less flattering photos of you (assuming that she is normally a caring friend). I don't know, I guess when it's a case of hurt feelings, it's much more often the case that people are thoughtless and/or can't possibly imagine that it would have an impact on people's self-perception than that they're actively being nasty.
Also, fat old women are often v. sexy. Just sayin. :) Ageism does you no favours.

I'd just reply 'you're right, why did you post it?'.
Does the job in a very simple way.
And, in future, if she's taking pictures, make sure you say to her 'you're not going to put these on Facebook, are you?'
If she acts all innocent, point out her recent efforts.

Wilbur my SIL did something similar to me a few years back. I was 12 weeks post partum after an emergency c section with giant leaking boobs and still with my mum tum. It was the day after her wedding and she wanted a photo of all the women of the family together. The other 4 women in the photo were all looking very glam and slim and I was stuck on the end in my giant maxi dress (the o my thing that I could find that fitted and I could feed in). A couple of weeks later she sent to photo around to the whole family under the guise of ‘look at this wonderful photo’ and when it appeared on my phone I just burst into tears. I looked absolutely enormous, it was just hideous. And I was mortified that she had shared it when it was clearly a dreadful photo of me. Looking back now I can cut myself a lot of slack over it and realise that it says more about her than me. But I will never forget what she did and in the back of my mind will never trust her again. I certainly no longer allow her to take photos of me under any context.

After reading Yorick's post, I sound very naive! Up to you to decide which description fits your friend more do people really do stuff like that because they're jealous? I've honestly not come across this myself.

I’m incredibly unphotogenic ... literally people meet me and comment on thinking I looked very different from pictures. They always make me feel like utter shite, I’ve cried several times thinking is that what I look like? But in the end I felt great and I know that cameras hate me.
Ask your friend to remove the picture please as it’s dented your confidence. Then remember that everyone is hideous at the wrong angle...everyone.

If that was what you really looked like (or if she was an absolute total scheming bitch) then she’d have commented “great pic of U hun!” The fact that she said “not your best look” means that everyone concerned acknowledges that it’s an unflattering photo. She might have mean it meanly, she might have been thoughtless, but the one conclusion you absolutely can’t draw is that that’s what you look like to outside observers.

You can honestly look great in person & somehow look terrible in a photo due to angle/lighting etc. I've seen pictures of some of my beautiful friends where they look horrible. Please don't put yourself down over one photo - I'm sure you looked fabulous irl!

She's definitely jealous. What a bitch!

I bet she has a few really nice pics of you. It's the sort if thing an ex friend of mine would've done in the 80s. Note the ex. Luckily no Facebook in those days. I have no friends like that now.

I once had a photo shoot done, guy took about 200 pics, only 12 of them were any good. On most of them I looked horrendous! And then he did a bit of Photoshopping on them ( the good ones) and I looked bloody gorgeous. Mostly I look shit in photos and don't like looking at them, but that really showed me how much was the angle, good lighting and luck.

And your friend is a cow

That's really horrible. You friend is being really mean. Just ask her to take it down. And tell her she embarrassed you. Call her out on her shit.

That photo says more about her than it does about you.

Maybe we are all over reacting.

I've seen some photos of me that are lovely: when I scrub up well for a big party/christening/40th etc.

and others I've taken myself were so vile, I was genuinely shocked. Truely.

Isn't that just standard/the norm?

Posters hating others/thinking others are not friends/doing it maliciously etc? Are we sure?

Pp not trusting her sil, seems a bit harsh. She took a photo of he friends, which seems normal.

Maybe we are being too harsh?

Your friends being horrible, she must know you've had a bad year?.

I look awful in photos. Meh.

I wouldn’t say it’s the friend feeling jealous. I think it’s patronising to the op to try to convince her it’s that.

I do think most of us are sensitive about how we look in photos. I am very unphotogenic and would need to take at least 50 photos no exaggeration to find a decent one.

OP I would be very cross if anyone put a photo of me on fb. Those who have done in the past have been told to remove immediately even when there has been comments on photo. I'll choose what photos go on, not someone else. I too am old and fat but I don't dwell on it too much because I try to remember that no one really cares what I look like other than me. I've now reached that invisible age. As long as I make an effort that's the main thing. You felt great and that's what's important.

I have tears in my eyes reading your post OP. I could have written it word for word. I’ve never been particularly photogenic but it’s getting worse with each year. I must have hundreds of pictures on my phone not a single decent one. This is not the opposite of a stealth boast it is absolute fact! Heading towards 60, heavier than when I was massively pregnant, the extra weight would, you would think, help to disguise the wrinkles, but actually makes my jowls look like two swinging pouches. I seem to be surrounded by people that look even better in photos than in real life and this bloody obsession with photographing every event in 30 second intervals! I am still shocked by just how awful I look in photos, there seems to be no comparison between what I see in the mirror and what is there in black and white or glorious technicolour, it makes no difference, as people helpfully sent the photos to me or put them up in Facebook. I have come to the conclusion that I am clearly delusional.
Let me send you these 💐🥂Although I clearly need some of this 🧙‍♀️Or this 🧚🏻‍♀️ In the absence of an emoji for a plastic surgeon. 😉

Surfer what an insensitive post! And it's bollocks anyway. Plenty of women in their 50s look good in photos! And they're not all invisible either!

How many over 50’s look great in photos?
Op: stop worrying about it. No one takes as much notice of you as you think.
Seriously, unless you’re a famous celebrity no one really cares what you look like & probably scrolled past without even looking at you.
But you’re confirming the rumour that FB is now for the silly middle-aged.

Aw thanks. You sound so nice ...

no one really cares what you look like & probably scrolled past without even looking at you.
But you’re confirming the rumour that FB is now for the silly middle-aged.

Does being bitchy give you a warm glow on a winter's day?