A Crepey Advent-ure

[MontserratCaballe]

Over here, my darlings....

I agree with all the advice, cocoa - make a decision on the day. Support from friends (even if not mentioning it) is great

MM glad to hear you've had a few good days - fingers crossed it continues.

Cremo, how can you owe shifts? You have been ill FGS. DO NOT DO EXTRA!!!

Lalsy re last footy match - how come so early in the season? I'm sure DD's bf was playing up till after he finished his A' levels.

Went to see A United Kingdom with the famalee and really enjoyed it. I sat next to DS who does not criticise me as much for crying.

MM - so glad to hear that you are on the mend.

Cocoa - agree with others, decide on the day how you feel, and if you go, how much you feel up to, whether it's the full meal or just a drink.

Have spent the weekend shouting at idle fucking children. If DD1 says "it's too hard" one more time, I will leave home. I am tempted to leave home anyway, as we had someone round to discuss house renovations yesterday. DH got cross with me because he says I have disengaged. I said I haven't disengaged, there is no point in engaging with DH as the words "discussion" and "compromise" are not in his vocabulary. I just want him to sort the fucking house and I will live with it because it can't be worse than it is now, An example of his lack of compromise - I asked him if he could move the shelves his records are on back behind the door, as it would give us more space (they are currently in the middle of the room behind the sofa) and he just said "No, I don't want them there." And that was it.

We have Charmless Niece visiting next Saturday with DH's parents. I have told him that a) I am not coming out with them and b) I am not cooking either after the last two years. We can go out to eat and he can pay. And if all she will eat is McDonalds nuggets, fries and Coke, he can take her there. I'm not trying to cook nice food for her again, to have it spat out or just refused - she can eat the shit her mother feeds her, and wonder later why she is the size of a house and has no teeth.

Sorry about the rant. I'm not in the best of moods tonight, largely because of DD1's attitude.

MM, that's so good!

BTM, he doesn't play football next term, it is another sport. He feels sad - he has loved his football and they are a great group. How was ds this weekend?

Beachy, hope you are all doing okay too?

Not my shit

MM, that really is excellent news.

Cocoa, just keep on being kind to yourself.

I have been a fish wife today, screaming at DH (sympathises with MrsS). I have no patience ATM for his illogical way of doing things, am close to tears most of the time, for really no reason. The way I am feeling the stay in hospital will almost be a relief. At least the Christmas cards are now all written, and we bought the Tree today (it's all right, Crem, it's in the garage until DH can sort it out, and we do put it in the conservatory so it always keeps its needles until the New Year). Oh, and on the way to Costco for said Tree we found an elderly man at the side of the road; he had fallen off his bike, bless him, on his first trip out for two years. He kept on saying, "but I am a climber, and it's only a small hill". I admire his determination, if not his common sense.

Christonabike, MrsS, that's worse than my office which is allowed to be a bit chaotic.

Jeepers, MrsS - that would drive me insane. It would be in the nearest skip, with DH on the top. Whatever happened to your opinion in the matter?!

Great news, MM - let's hope that's the end of that miserable illness. Just don't do too much too soon.

Cocoa - you might find that a few hours with your NCT chums turns out to be a tonic, and a welcome distraction from all things funereal. Even if you just make a brief appearance.

Christmas shopping with DH today...'twas fairly leisurely, and we got most of it done (and I directed him to a couple of items I fancied - a pink jumper and some styling tongs). I popped into a branch of BHF on the way back to the carpark and found the most gorgeous grey Jigsaw coat - wool and cashmere. It looks like it's a few years old, but it's beautifully made, very classic. Perfect for work.

MrsS, I feel your pain. I would be boiling over now - what works are you planning? If general repairs etc can you not get a concierge company like silver saints to just come round and do it for you? that way it gets done the way you want it and dh cannot argue as he had his chance to say something and turned it down. I think I might develop a migraine when niece came round too. She sounds awful and the source of more grief and possibly argument.

Cocoa, I hope you are being well looked after. I taught an evening class the night before my dad's funeral as I felt that being as normal as possible was helping me to hold it together. I only made that decision on the morning of the class though and had a colleague on standby in case I couldn't face it. I would play it by ear if possible. Thinking of you xxx

MM, so glad you are feeling better.

Crepeys, how am I going to get through the next 3 weeks without dissolving? Every time I hear a Carol I feel myself filling up. We have the ashes ceremony on the Tuesday before Christmas then mil is coming to us in the Friday. Bit disappointed by dh's lack of backbone to be honest. He didn't manage to put my case forward at all. Hm.

I'm in bed

Crem, I agree, how can you have more shifts to catch up? All seems very unfair.

I don't know how we all are here really. Seems fine on the surface, but that's probably more strangely worrying.

We had the intro to family therapy last week. The honest truth is that I don't really trust CAMHS....and I'm not a very psycho babble person. And I don't have the energy to put ds back together after each session....

So limbo land until we decide whether or not to go and do it (which means me making a decision as no one else appears able to make a decision)....

Oh beachy - is there an alternative to the family therapy? Would you feel more comfortable with a different provider (perhaps someone specialising in child issues from a private referral / recommendation rather than via camhs? I hate always having the weight of decision making on me, too

Am also in bed and have been since about 8.30

Another one in a bad mood with DH. Has spent all day criticising me. All very negative.

He managed about 24 hours of sympathy after DF died, and that's been about it. Just because I'm not curled up in a ball sobbing, he thinks life's going on the same.

I'm going to do a bit of reappraising next year of my life. He's on the list.
I'm not doing out of grief... It's been on a slow simmer for a year or two. Maybe I'm just waking up?

MrsS you need a Marie Kondo Intervention... But you already know that.

Beachy, oh no, I know nothing but it seems to be that you have to trust the people that are doing that to your ds? So sorry.

And Cocoa, that's awful just when you need support, and understandable that it stirs up questions about the future that have been bubbling under, Look after yourself.

Monty, the first Christmas is so hard. It does get better.

Monty, we'll all get through it together.

Fwiw, I have found that letting a dh know that he is on a Reappraisal List can be enough to make him shape up.

Not that I am in the least smug in that department, however, as Crepeys well know. And I hate the fact that such an approach makes me a heartless harpy, but there you go.

Unharpy hugs to all Crepeys. {{{{{ }}}}} Beachy, no advice, but thinking of you.

Cremo you should not be doing more shifts!

MM glad you are well.

MrsS I would have totally lost it with that mess and torched the lot.
Cocoa - ahh the 'doesn't get it' other half - I can match you there, and yes, like Colly have told him he's on the reappraisal list....

HaHa Colly we never got on to that subject on our MU! Sounds like we'd have overstayed our welcome in the car park. DH has been reappraised before, so I am aware that the suggestion is losing its meaningfulness.

When DS was around, it diluted the situation, but now he's not - and not likely to be long term - then the problem needs solving. We went away at at the end of the summer for a long weekend, which was great. Reminded ourselves of who we really are, and now we're back home,the same old same old stuff just comes back again.

DH now away for a couple of nights, so I can wallow in my dressing gown after dark, and eat just soup and drink gin

Monty - unfortunately the whole place needs renovating - we need new bathrooms (DH removed the shower from the en suite three years ago as it was leaking, and it is still all propped up in there with no progress made), new kitchen, all the rooms need at the very least repapering, with most needing replastering. Our bedroom needs some quite serious work done to it - removal of built in cupboards, replastering etc etc. We do not have the room for all of DH's shit, but he refuses to get rid of any of it. DD1 cannot use one of the cupboards in her room as it contains five (v, 5) synthesisers (none of which have been touched since we moved in). I don't know what to do. I am just completely ground down and he refuses to compromise or get rid of anything. The hall is stacked full of stuff that "he is going to eBay soon", but this has been there for months too. It is like living in Steptoe's yard.

Oh this is a troubled board at the moment

Monty what can we do but hold each others hands virtually, and occasionally in person? Fortitude, sweetheart. You will get through it and there's nothing wrong with tears. xxx

Similarly, Cocoa I'm sure your NCT people with support you with what ever you decide. DH? Well, there are a few Crepeys who are echoing your sentiments...seems like a common thing. I too was disappointed with how well my DH looked after me immediately after DDad passed but reverted to type very quickly afterwards. I think he's been on the reappraisal bench for many years as well.

Beachy having been through the CAHMS machinery a number of years ago with DD I would echo what Monty has said and wish I'd have found another route. I was sleepless for weeks in high anxiety that they would somehow judge us "unfit". Will PM you.

MM so glad you can at last see some sustained improvement!

NU Might you be feeling anxious about your forthcoming surgery? I get horribly impatient when I'm awaiting anything medical, and kick off at DH mostly...

I got home yesterday and lit my candle for DDad quietly and in my own time. Why don't my family just accept that I want to do things own way?

And in frivolous S&B news, Lalsy and others on the cord quest, I have had another 30% off LandsEnd deal pop into my inbox, so have ordered the deep burgundy slim cords in two sizes to try. I am totally by Boden's rubbish sizing, the black jeans arrived on back order and fit perfectly in my size. The previously returned cords from the very same range got returned because they were way too low waisted and I could hardly do them up. WTF?

Ps Is Saturday lunchtime near the BL happening?

Oh no MrsS LTB

Thank you for you kind words, Rose . I am glad you got a chance to light your candle. I also think that unless one is weeping constantly, it's business as usual for many husbands / partners. They don't seem to get that losing one of the most significant relationships of one's life is not something which is overcome in days or even weeks. As for being on the reappraisal bench, well, I think DH has been on and off that for some years. I am sure he speaks equally highly of me .

Beachy, how are you feeling this morning?

Cocoa, sending you love. A few days pottering round the house in your dressing gown might be a restful thing.

MrsS, I understand some of what you are feeling as DH is a terrible hoarder. To help clear some of the clutter, could you book a nice big space in a self store (one very near you in K'ton of course), buy some boxes, put DH's shit in there and have a man with van take them away. DH could then toddle down the road to sort / sell / chuck at his leisure? At least it would be out of the house and you wouldn't have the argument about you throwing his stuff away as it would all be intact but just elsewhere. Piles of crap get everyone down. It might then be easier to tackle the necessary works one room at a time. I am sorry you are so ficked off. Feel for you.

Must do some work. DH just asked where the tesco shop was and I replied still in Tesco, as I was too pissed off with everything to be arsed to do it last night. Ha ha ha.

Quick dash in as about to do teaching/examining. But agree with monty. Mrs s. Give him a deadline - say two weeks - by which time he has to sort or its going in storage. Then absolutely no room for manoeuvre on his part.

Really sorry but can't think about Sat at the moment - have yet another commission and am drowning....

Agree with the others MrsS you have to move the stuff or lose your sanity! Maybe treat him like you would the children? If it's not dealt with by X date it's being binned?

I am on the train home as ds isn't well so is in 'medical' (is that sickbay?) this is not great as I have a very busy week ahead! I think some work based negotiation with dp will be needed if this is more than 24 hours...

MrsS, I would do that storage thing too. It is actually easier to assess stuff when it is not in situ, IMO, especially for a hoarder. Give him a deadline, book a van, get it into that storage place down the road from you. That will give you a chance to get quotes on the flat. You can't do anything with all that around.

Oooh thanks, Rose, will investigate (waiting for their men's coast to be reduced for ds too).