A Crepey Advent-ure

[MontserratCaballe]

Over here, my darlings....

Oh, Herbs - how much do they want? What a shitty thing of garage owner to do!

Sad, sad face

Thank you for your feedback on Cos. I don't have a local store, but heading up to The Big Smoke to stay with good friend next week, so may try. It's difficult to justify spending on self at this time of year.

I was already lusting after GGGs pink sofa, and now it looks like I will have to lust after her wardrobe too.

Re cords - I was also starting to think that they are obviously not in fashion this winter, judging by the lack of choice out there.

In other news, DM completely flipped with DH over the weekend. All sorts of stuff spewed out that's she'd been simmering over for months. They've never seen eye to eye (too similar methinks) and have spent 20 years pressing each other's buttons. All a bit passive aggressive. I try and ignore, ignore, ignore, but I had to pull her up.

So, I wrote a very conciliatory email at around 0300 hrs on Monday morning, kindly pointing out inaccuracies, and suggesting that now was the time to come together as a famleeeee (a la Eastenders), not to start digging up shit. Then I told her I was going to take charge of visiting on Fri/Sat/Sun and to sort herself out w visit to hairdressers, beauty parlour, whatever.

I'm going to try the firm but kind route. Poor love is stressed out. What else can you do? That's not necessarily a rhetorical question, if any of you do have ideas.

I'm meanwhile taking a step back and leaving her to my brothers.

Herbs, so sorry about the car. That's really mean of the owner. down south you get a discount for early payment. Is it the same up in north London? Hope it's not too horrendous

Cocoa, I don't know about cos but I buy cords in Gap. Very narrow cord so lovely and soft and lots of lovely colours.

Keeping everything crossed for you, Waf.

Cold finally abating a bit. Hurray. But dh and I need to discuss Christmas. Boo. How do I say "I don't want mil to come as I hate her?" Without causing offence?

Herbs - very annoying (and sorry to tactlessly talk about expensive jacket just before). Usually a parking fine is about 15 euros here - if you pay it quickly.

Glad you feel better Monty - can you say "MiL is sometimes a little difficult and I just want a stressless Christmas". Somebody more diplomatic will come along in a minute.

Cocoa - re DM - sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing.

Am sorting out books for the church fete - Hillary Clinton's book is on the pile.

Ouch Herbs!

cocoa, how horrible - the situation does impose a terrible strain.I hope your brothers can help - maybe easier for them as they are more removed from your dh? I think you are right to avoid big fallings out now - hurtful things said now may not be forgotten easily .

Jeez I was cold today. Properly icy feet and legs.

WAF, much finger and toe crossing you hear soon.

Feel your pain WAF - crossing my fingers for good news for you - and you too Herbs re lucrative job. X

I haven't dared look at the ticket, but it's usually about £60, doubling to £120 unless you pay it within a fortnight. If you appeal, and it's unsuccessful, it's £120. I earn £80 a week.

Tell me to fuck off if this is unwelcome Herbs, but it's awful to be so worried about money when you are doing all in your power to find a job / earn money from your numerous activities - my question is - you have a dp, who has a job - you are in this together - why is this all your worry? Why can't he help you out / share finances?? Your options are limited by your responsibilities for ds - unless I've misunderstood and he is taking him to school / picking him up etc etc. So why is the financial worry yours alone?? Why can't he pay your fine while you are sorting out about jobs?

GGG said what I was thinking (and going to post before I got mired in quadratic sequences or some such thing I don't understand......)

Gosh - very expensive fine.

Herbs - GGG speaks wisely .

Herbs that really is pants. Occasionally we have sent the early payment cheque, so as not to incur the double charge for delay...but enclosed an explanatory letter ending thus... "we trust you will take this into consideration and wave the charge..." Here's hoping that the owner of the garage's bits drop off and are eaten by foxes, in the cold whilst he (assuming he) is out there looking for more trouble.... for you.

Crem I do hope you feel better soon. Vile cold, menopausal horrors and antibiotic fall out isn't a happy combination.

WaF Agonising. Try to occupy self in mindless but absorbing activity....cleaning. I'm afraid I'm an obsessive cleaner when under stress...

I am intrigued by Cos...haven't one near me and the models look so reedy and waif like in a consumptive sort of way. I crave the comfort of shapeless clothes even though I look rubbish in them...but I am resolved to visit a branch and try on. All the trews seem to be ankle grazers though...which I don't like....except in hot weather.

Cocoa so sorry re DM and DH. Its hard to know what to do, but if you all need some distance, then perhaps for a while...? Just to let the dust settle. Do look after yourself as well. Playing peacemaker is exhausting.

Dunno Monty....I guess DH knows how you feel? Can you have her over but others as well, so you can keep your distance? Strength in numbers. My MIL is also a nut job...mad as a box of frogs. Sympathies.

Moe teaching today followed by taking DD to have her braces removed...yippee...after two and a half years of treatment! Then a dash to a meeting at the theatre when conciliatory noises were made about how much I'd been overlooked this year...dunno if anything will happen as a result but I have been kind of asked back to do notes. We'll see. DH is on his way to Inverness for a site visit tomorrow on an oil rig. I'd rather eat my own eyes than take a small boat out on the North Sea at this time of year. I am meanwhile going to feverishly catch up on as many episodes of The Missing as I can cram into an evening...I'm only on episode 3 so no spoilers please.

You all of course speak sense. I'm just feeling very bad for not bringing in any money. And DP has made his feelings plain, that he's the only breadwinner and that it's about time I started earning. He knows how hard I'm trying, and that I have to fit it in around DS, and does help me out if I specifically ask. He's only earning half as much as he was this time last year, so there isn't much spare. But he earns too much for me to claim tax credits or any other sort of benefit. And the fine was my own stupid fault, so am loath to ask...

Sympathy re 'intermediary' role you've found yourself in cocoa. I can't bear it - messes with my boundaries something chronic. Yet it's a position I know all too well. Establish one position, state it and stick to it is the most sanity-preserving method I can think of!

Rose - an oil rig? How utterly frightful.

Monty, my MIL is a right pain, especially at Christmas (sample festive chat: oh my goodness, you have made far too much food, we could have just had steamed broccoli/I will never drink/eat all that/when did you last creosote your fence/my goodness not another present for me/what day is your rubbish collected). I have caused offence..... We now dilute as Rose says and are cheery but firm about times. It helps that she appears to have a new lease of life. It is hard.

Is it the fine Herbs? Is it what it represents? The last straw? You are doing the most magnificent job of holding it all together kiddo. The Work WILL come, The Job WILL come. You WIILL be laughing about giving a big fat TOSS about them bastards at the dVLA or whatevs. In the meantime, dh must sub you some cash. Tell him I said so.

It will be ok.

Ignore previous post. I'm not caught up. Being a Slow horse today.

Herbs, tell me to fuck off too, but I think you have to put 'fitting round DS' on the 'that would be ideal but not required' pile. I have worked freelance since mine were babies and I could not have done so without childcare including out of the house after school care when they were little. That sounds brutal - that I was at home while they weren't - but I had to earn. There wasn't an option.

Herbs I'd still say you are in it together and that means the rough as well as the smooth...

I know you're eight, but he's very difficult to talk to about stuff like this. We've never really talked about money, just muddled through, but that's not working any more.

MI - I have no qualms putting DS into childcare, once I have the work. Or the prospect of work. He is on Wednesdays, and if is got that editor gig I would have upped that. But at the mo there is neither. If I'm not working, I might as well earn my keep, taking him to swimming, and all that. And if what I earn is a pittance, as in FE, I can't justify the cost of childcare.

One definite bright spot on the horizon is some tutoring at a tutor centre in January. Five hours a week, £30 an hour. Hardly any planning. Will need childcare for that!

Herbs,I agree with BD. And MI about DS fitting round you a bit more (well not DS but his after school arrangements) if that means you have more of a chance to earn. And what Cremo said - the job WILL come

Just been watching the secret life of 5 year old - what a tear-jerker.

X post Herbs! Tutor centre sounds good.

Monty glad you're feeling a bit better. Does MIL usually come? Would there be another family member she could go to?

Herbs, as someone who has worked full time since DD1 was eight weeks old, and who has done a lot of recruitment over the years, you cannot "work around DS." You need to sort out childcare, or have something lined up, either child minder, after school club or au pair, and get a full time job, if you need to earn a decent wage, particularly if your DH is getting arsey. Yes, I agree, "in it together", but the utter pain in the arse responsibility and weight on your shoulders if you are the sole breadwinner is grinding and breeds resentment. I've been there, done that, bought the T shirt and worn the hat.

And on the recruitment front, there is nothing more anger inducing to a recruiter to have what looks like the perfect candidate in front of them, who then lays out the terms and conditions under which she (and it always is a she) will work. I have had women sit in front of me and tell me that they can;t get in before 10 because they need to drop off the children, that they need to leave at 3 to collect the children, and expect me to say "oh yes, that all sounds fine, we'll all pick up the slack when you're not here." The world of work doesn't work like that.

If you need to earn a decent wage, get a decent full time job - you are qualified up to the hilt - and find someone to look after your DS after school/drop him in the morning if necessary. But what you absolutely cannot do is "work around him" if you want to earn a proper wage, unless you land on your feet and get the unicorn, rainbow love puff job that means you can do precisely that, and earn £60K a year for doing so. And if you land a job like this, please pass on the details, because that's the sort of job I want too.

And you can tell me to fuck off as well. I know this is blunt, but I am.

To be honest we don't talk about money either - and when we do it usually goes horribly wrong.

Herbs, have a look at Timewise Content writer job?

I get where you are coming from MrsS (done that, bought the tee shirt etc) but Herbs is trying and not intending to never earn a decent crust ever. In the rough patches you have to pull together and share what there is.

As for the childcare thing - again I get it to a point, but do think too many jobs are modelled on old 9-5 in the office practises when actually they can be done more flexibly. I don't need to be physically in my office for 70% of what I do but if I wfh 3 days a week eyebrows would be raised... But hey, that's what dp does.....

I agree, BD, and we offer flexible working/wfh, where possible. But my experience is that it can't work if you are looking after a child as well. I've been interviewed for a job where the interviewer's child screamed at full volume into the speaker phone - unprofessional and unnecessary. I've also tried to get hold of someone urgently who decided "to take her daughter and dog for a lovely long walk as it was a nice day" - there would have been no problem with this if she had told me, and offered to finish the work later in the evening, but I was left hanging, not knowing where she had gone or what was going on. There's a big difference between wfh with children under, around 10, where they demand your attention, and a teenager coming in, getting a snack and doing homework/going to slump in their room.

What the bloody hell...

I worked for 25 years full time before having DS, so am no naive idiot about what the world of work is all about. I worked until 8 or 9 at night for months on end, for a good deal less than 60K. I have been mucked about by freelancers and others with their childcare problems.

Before I retrained as a teacher I did indeed have a perfect arrangement, working three days a week freelance, and putting DS into childcare after school and in holidays, as required. But I was bored, and foolishly thought that by retraining as a teacher I could combine the freelancing with something new an potentially rewarding, freezing up a couple of days per school holiday to spend with DS. Who, as I have previously banged on about, I waited six heartbreaking years for so want to be with while he is small.

However, it is not working out as I hoped. Creating a flexible, portfolio career turns out to be almost impossible. But accusing me of being a work shy idiot who expects employers to work around me and my special snowflake is a little harsh.