Why are you confident about your looks and when did you become so?

[Trashyearrings]

I've just name changed, and often post on threads but don't start them.

My question is:
**Why are you confident about your looks, and when did you become confident?

I am quite insecure about my looks and decided I was hideously ugly when I was bullied in school. I was very tall and skinny and had frizzy hair and glasses. My dm would make disparaging comments about my hair, she wanted a dd with "long blonde hair" and "chose the wrong father" (my dad is black). She would often dress me in men's (not boy's) clothing from age 13 as she said it was the only thing that would fit me lengthwise (i am 5'10 now, was prob 5'7 then?) She didn't do this to be mean and I very quickly started to buy my own clothes, but to her I was so tall and she didn't believe that women's clothes would fit me. To this day she will comment if she sees me in heels that I'll "tower over everyone". Dm and her siblings are 5' and under, so I know I must seem v, v tall to her. On df's side lots of women are my height and over.

I don't like my teeth (gappy), and am finding it hard to lose weight from my stomach after dcs. My tummy is fat, as are my thighs. When I was very slim (underweight) I thought that my bum and thighs were too small. Basically, I always find something to dislike.

I'm in my 30s now and have been trying to focus on the positives and have definitely got past the self-pitying stage that defined my 20s. I like my eyes, and I like my bum and breasts; and have spent years growing my hair (this is the first time in my life that I've worn my hair out). But I wouldn't say that I'm confident yet.

For those of you who are confident about your looks; why and when did you gain your confidence?

Is it just a state of mind? Is it compliments from others? Were you raised to be confident about your looks? Do you look like someone who is famously considered to be good looking? Were you sculpted by a surgeon to be his/her idea of goodlooking? Is it due to fitting that symmetry grid thing that apparently defines beauty? Is it because your significant other is beautiful and must have picked you for the same reason?

Caveat: I know that there are more important things in life than looks. I'm just curious.

I feel most attractive in my underwear, I have an athletic build, so most of the time in clothing I don't feel terribly feminine!

It's an odd one isn't it. I was brought up in a family where education was it. Looks and how you dress didn't matter. Unfortunately for my DM (not so D) I was thick. When I was a teenager she despaired as I wouldn't never get a good job or marry well, so I was thick and ugly. One of her friends (although she didn't like her) was a hairdresser who cut my hair when I was 17, she asked me if I was going to be a model - I thought she was taking the piss. I ended up with many unsuitable boyfriends and married an abusive man as that's what I deserved.

Fast forward to now and I'm married to a man who thinks I'm a supermodel, as do all his family and my teenage sons girlfriend, his friends and all DHs friends. If I cross a road then cars stop to let me, salesmen talk to me and not down to me, if I go out with DH and he's at the bar/toilet I get chatted up. I always assumed this was normal and everyone was treated the same.

It's only when I left XH at 40 did I realise that I might not be a total horror. My DM certainly did a great job on me.

This is NOT a bragging post! I think everyone has beauty in them and confidence lets it through.

nilby I'm the opposite! Quite curvy. I suppose I'm very 'feminine'. I'm not fat, it probably wouldn't hurt if I lost a stone, but I don't look 'bad. Because of my frame size, I look better with a bit more weight on me.

I'm an hourglass figure with boobs, a small tummy and a bum. In clothes I look curvy, but I worry that, in underwear, I'm 'wobbly'.

But it only seems to be women and much older (20/30+ yrs) men who think I'm attractive.

Kitty it is funny. I was always told that being intelligent/educated would go against me and the only thing that mattered was being slim and attractive, and I wasn't. I also dated/married unsuitable, controlling and abusive men because I didn't think I was physically attractive enough to deserve anyone decent.

I can slowly feel my thinking starting to shift on this, but it's slow and I find it easier to ask anonymously on here rather than irl!

I'm going to be 41 at the weekend and I'm alot more confident now than I ever was when I was younger.

Some of my confidence has come from having children,I decided I had to step up as soon as I had my first DC(6 weeks before my 21st birthday)because I felt that it was me against anything bad to protect my DC.
Some confidence came after I left my first husband when I was 25,he was an abusive bully.I left him,I made friends and started living,I got alot of attention from men some of whom were amazing to look at so that helped.
I went onto work with schools,Surestart and SS and that all helped build my condfidence and then I met my now DH when I was 30 and he's really helped build my confidence not only in the way I look but in who I am as a person and what I've achieved.His Mum was always very complimentery about the way I looked as well from the first time I met her.

Now I love my hair and I really like my eyes,I have good boobs especially for someone that breastfed all 5DC,they're bigger now than when I started .I love my skin colour now and the fact that my hair is naturally wavy and that I have almond shaped eyes,all thanks to the Gypsy that runs through my Dad's side of the family.But when I was younger I really didn't like looking different to all of my friends.

Apparently I fit the symmetry grid thing and I have an oval shaped face that any hairdressers I've ever visited have told me is a good thing.

Most of my confidence I would say has come from the positive things I've done in my life and the positive messages that the people that love me have said about me and the way I look.

It's a far cry from what my life was like as a child,it was because of my childhood that I was actively an anorexic from the age of 7-16.

My mother only ever said nice things about my appearance - that I was beautiful/that I looked nice etc. Looking back, between the ages of 7 and 12 I was very overweight and developed early (I weighed 10st at the age of 11 which is the same as what I weigh now give or take a few lbs of baby weight) but my mother won't even acknowledge this, she just says 'you weren't fat you were gorgeous'. DH and I try to only say things to build each up. I'm very lucky...not because I'm a stunner (I'm not) but because of my family.

Im confident some days.
Its always been the same, ive always been aware that people think im pretty but my weight has spent the last 25 years up and down from preteen years.
When i look back at the few pictures i allowed to be taken i see a beautiful girl but one who mostly looks sad.
I took my first selfie last year and have taken 2 more since, id never post them but they have made me aware of how much my mood affects how i feel about myself, i made a note about how i feel in the pictures and a happy day really shows, yet the actual face may be similar, the downturn to the eyes or mouth can be seen.

So yes being happier, having confidence really shows but it hard if your a worrying person like me.

Im mostly quite confident and go into my own bubble to be that way but when exposed to some family members and even my dh i crumble as my confidence doesnt stand up to scrutiny.

This thread is interesting as i have 2 dds and i prob comment on others looks too much and i will stop that right away , also my youngest put on a lot of weight last year sneaking stealing food and treats, ive since moved all the treats but i found myself saying i love you but we need to work on that tummy, now i feel bad and realise at 6 i could affect her so i just say to her that we all need to eat healthy and be healthy with exercise and thats shes fabulous.

She looked at me two days ago and said mummy i look like you, we are the same snd my first thought was sadness and i said yes but you dont want to be as fat as me then i thought wait a minute so i said yes we are fabalous arent we?

Ive got to sort it out to be confident everyday or a least have my dds think i am as i dont want them to have this worry and lack of confidence.

Lo luckily is mostly quite confident and if i work harder they will both grow in confidence, i need to actively not pass my insecurities on so im thankful for this thread as a reminder.

Im in my 30s and look ok if ive slept and men do find me attractive and women compliment me but whats more important is that i find me attractive.

I like the days where i walk around floating on air confident and happy but thats not everyday for me. Sometimes i want to hide away and so i do not even going out the house as i feel so hideous. Real extremes i know.

My work now is for my dds to grow to be happy and confident and funnily enough we dont meet western ideals of beauty but my dds are always told from babies by me and strangers how beautiful and pretty they are so the work needs to come from me on my negative days.

I always praise their hardwork tenacity and talents also, and kindness, thoughtfulness and helpfulness. These things are more important but our culture places such an emphasis on looks that it gets forgotton.

My insecurities came from my mother i should have told her to shut up, my auntie is still horrible and still says you have such a pretty face if only you lost weight and another auntie told me last year that i was expecting my husband to put up with such a lot as couldnt i see that he would be happier with a slimmer wife and that i was so pretty but too fat and i needed to lose weight as he was bit unhappy. This floored me and made me feel like shit as she basically added that if he left it would be my fault. I said he was fine with it but she said no hes not he loves you but hes not fine with it.

I am overweight and so what. But i can only say so what on a happy day the other days their years of comments will get me down and it is this i will now battle with and not pass the negativity on to my dds.

Wow sorry thats so long

I'm a real mishmash of confidence and utter failure of confidence.

Firstly I was brought up in a male household and my appearance as a child was never really commented on - later on when I left home i got comments about hair and weight but I asked for them to stop (on the grounds that it's rude to look someone up and down and say 'Hello - you look X' even if X is 'nice') and they did. But beyond that there was zero emphasis on appearance, which only caused problems when I was a teenager and didn't physically have enough clothes to manage - dad was a bit of a no-hoper with teenage girls but learned to manage.

My problem is that inside, I have taken on the good message that appearance isn't the most important thing about a person and I feel great, mostly, I feel pretty happy and I go out assuming nobody really cares how I look. It is therefore a shock when I see photos of myself and I look awful. Really bad. Getting fatter and not carrying it well, looking grim-faced and hostile or worried - this is me describing photos from babyhood to present day. I can't get over the discrepancy between how I feel and how I actually look.

You know that Roald Dahl line about how people who have ugly faces are reflecting an ugly character? I want to cry every time I read that because that's how I look, and yet honestly inside (and outside too!) I wish people good things, I'm largely not very judgemental, I bumble along not wanting to hurt people. I have my moments but they have ALL ended up on my face

So there you go. I do have the self-image that everything's fine but it's not reflected in the actual image of me!

Absolutely no confidence at all. I am told I am pretty, I cannot see it. If I try very hard, I can identify individual features that are nice, but overall I think it adds up to something very very plain. I am overweight at the moment which doesn't help, but this time last year when I was the thinnest I have been as an adult, and I still felt fat and horrible.

It is entirely down to the way my mum feels about herself and her looks. The narrative when I was growing up placed great emphasis on looks and weight. My Mum is very overweight - and beautiful. When she was young, she was very thin and beautiful. She struggles with this. When I lose weight, she says things like, 'I just hope you don't put all that weight back on and get fat again'. When I am overweight, it's all she talks about. Basically, appearance is all that matters. When I was younger, I modelled a bit. I can't reconcile this with what I see in the mirror.

It's all a mess.

I feel pretty confident in my looks.

I was a fat child. Really chubby and definitely didn't feel attractive. Was picked on, called fat etc. My parents didn't see the problem and my mother always told me I was beautiful. But I don't know why they didn't just feed me less! I ate full sized adult meals all the time. My brother was very skinny but ate the same.

Anyway, adolescence hit, I started doing loads of sport and the weight dropped off. Did lots of karate which a. Fixed my weight problem and b. Gave me incredible confidence.

So I looked good, had an awesome body and the confidence to rock it! Sometimes too much.

Now I'm older I'm still happy with my looks. I'm confident, realise what suits me, recognise my features and hide flaws. I'll never have long legs. But I have lovely eyes, great skin and a good hourglass figure.

I think confidence makes all the difference. That, and smiling!

When DD was about 5 she told me I was beautiful. Made me so happy.

DM once said my BFF was so beautiful she would look good in rags, but I would have to try harder.

That came out in CBT...

I'm one of the lucky ones, I guess. Where I blossomed and grew more attractive with age. I was repulsive as teenager. It to the point where stones were thrown at me, and I was called all kinds. Whilst my friends were referred to as fit.

I suddenly developed a sense of unique style and over tge years my genes some how switched and improved.
However my, well ex friends have all lost their looks, so it's swings and roundabouts.

I suppose I'm the ugly duckling

Flirty girl, your aunt (and your mum) sound stupid and cruel. I think it's really good that you are changing how you talk to the kids about yourself and about them, really good.
I think if a little girl feels they are the apple of their parents eyes, and feel perfect exactly as they are, then they are likely to have good esteem all their lives.