Why are you confident about your looks and when did you become so?

[Trashyearrings]

I've just name changed, and often post on threads but don't start them.

My question is:
**Why are you confident about your looks, and when did you become confident?

I am quite insecure about my looks and decided I was hideously ugly when I was bullied in school. I was very tall and skinny and had frizzy hair and glasses. My dm would make disparaging comments about my hair, she wanted a dd with "long blonde hair" and "chose the wrong father" (my dad is black). She would often dress me in men's (not boy's) clothing from age 13 as she said it was the only thing that would fit me lengthwise (i am 5'10 now, was prob 5'7 then?) She didn't do this to be mean and I very quickly started to buy my own clothes, but to her I was so tall and she didn't believe that women's clothes would fit me. To this day she will comment if she sees me in heels that I'll "tower over everyone". Dm and her siblings are 5' and under, so I know I must seem v, v tall to her. On df's side lots of women are my height and over.

I don't like my teeth (gappy), and am finding it hard to lose weight from my stomach after dcs. My tummy is fat, as are my thighs. When I was very slim (underweight) I thought that my bum and thighs were too small. Basically, I always find something to dislike.

I'm in my 30s now and have been trying to focus on the positives and have definitely got past the self-pitying stage that defined my 20s. I like my eyes, and I like my bum and breasts; and have spent years growing my hair (this is the first time in my life that I've worn my hair out). But I wouldn't say that I'm confident yet.

For those of you who are confident about your looks; why and when did you gain your confidence?

Is it just a state of mind? Is it compliments from others? Were you raised to be confident about your looks? Do you look like someone who is famously considered to be good looking? Were you sculpted by a surgeon to be his/her idea of goodlooking? Is it due to fitting that symmetry grid thing that apparently defines beauty? Is it because your significant other is beautiful and must have picked you for the same reason?

Caveat: I know that there are more important things in life than looks. I'm just curious.

I'm the 4th best looking person of anyone I've ever met.

Can I say op I have have the vision of a tall slim woman when u describe yourself

I agree, I bet you are objectively far far better looking than me.

But what I have going for me is my figure - I am short and eat healthily and moderately and exercise to stay very slim and toned. I love my body, I am very fit and in far better physical condition than many women half my age. I can't change my face (sharp featured, not pretty but not hideous) and I'll never have a flat tummy (children) but I am in pretty decent nick for my vintage and that gives me lots of confidence. I guess when it comes to my body I feel in control and that makes me feel good.

I'm overweight but I think I carry it well, I'm quite tall (not massively).

I was never confident it my looks, never skinny like my friends, prone to spots, very insecure all through my twenties. Still have wobbles now but my 30s have been much better I think. I have tons more confidence. I think I have quite a pretty face, high cheekbones and nice shaped features. I love my hair these days, got the colour just right. Try to do what I can to make myself feel good - get nails done, mess about with make up etc. I have great boobs too, that helps.

Generally when I'm 'done up' I feel fairly confident, not so much in my day to day work clothes (work with small children so no point in getting too glam) or in situations like on the beach.

I just don't think its that important anymore. I'm so much more than a number on a scale or how far I fit into some manufactured ideal of what a beautiful woman looks like. I try to put my energies into work, studying for my MA, my dog, hobbies, being a good friend etc. Sounds wanky but yoga, and finding other exercise I actually enjoy, has been a massive boost. I try really hard not to compare myself to others, not always easy but I keep trying, and if I find myself saying/thinking something negative about another woman's appearance I stop myself and mentally find three nice things to say about her. That's really important to me actually, not to let all the nasty criticisms take root, not towards anyone else and not towards myself.

I'm the 4th best looking person of anyone I've ever met.

Nevermind. I'm sure you have other attributes

I've gone from cute to plain to attractive to bloody hideous.

Was a cute curly haired young child, complimented regularly by family, etc. It probably made me a bit prematurely conceited, TBH. But by 10 I had a short haircut, puppy fat and was a bookish plain Jane. Didn't help that I was badly bullied either-nothing like that to knock one's confidence.

By 17 I was petite but curvy, if you get my drift-grew my hair really long, wasn't short of attention. Pretty much looked my best up until my late 20s despite fluctuating weight in between.

I'm now 40 with various health problems and have piled on weight over the last year or so. I have rosacea, lines, spots, all sorts. I feel more like 80 some days! But I still have my luscious locks, long natural nails that I'm complimented on and bloody cracking eyebrows (so I'm told). I try to focus on these things when I feel like the Michelin Woman and dressing in well cut clothes hides the worst bits. Apart from the multiple chins. Everything is a work in progress...

Maybe by 50 I'll be a looker if it's going in cycles?!

I think its interesting that people are putting forward examples/explanations of their looks as evidence of their attractiveness or otherwise:

Glasses - freckles - short - lanky - fat - thin - fuzzy hair - big nose - thin hair - fat tummy - gappy teeth = plain.

Smooth skin - slim - curvy - trim - straight hair - thick hair = beauty.

I think if we really want our dds to feel confident that they're beautiful, we should move away from those culturally defined boxes of what's 'good' and what isn't.

Just

Well done, goes against the whole spirit of the tread.

Aargh
*thread

Well said, Helmet.

I don't think about my looks at all. I just don't. I don't think it matters if I am attractive or not. If I had to guess, I'd probably say that I'm about average for my age and general condition, but if I fall either side of that then I don't care.

For what it's worth, I don't think that girls need to believe that they are beautiful. I think they should believe that they are fabulous, and that physical beauty is just about conformity to an artificial ideal.

Agree with Helmet. It's only occurred to me now, in my early 30s, just how narrowly-defined Western female beauty really is.

I have received compliments on my looks - moreso in my adult life than in my childhood and teens. But even then, I don't fit into the blond, slim, long-limbed, straight-haired, suntanned, big-eyed, blue-eyed, white-toothed, never-tired, never-depressed, sunshine-filled female ideal that I was raised with (mine was an American childhood...). In fact, as far as my looks go, I am the opposite of ... literally all of that.

But if I spend the rest of my life lamenting what I'm not, I'll be sad for the rest of my life. It's a game I can't ever win. Neither can most women. And even the ones that do fit the mold - I find that even then, they are usually just regular women living regular lives. I grew up with a few young ladies who did fit the American Barbie ideal. Their lives in high school were maybe a tad easier than mine, as in, they didn't have to look too hard for a prom date. But then life went on for all of us.

Exercising helps me with confidence in my looks sometimes too. If I can complete a physical challenge, it feels like an accomplishment, and that feeling tends to extend itself to what I see in the mirror. Just going to avoid looking at race-day photos in the future...

I've never felt comfortable in my skin. In fact, I feel uncomfortable in quite a physical way. If I'm a bit fat (like now) I don't just feel the resulting constriction from too-small clothes, I actually feel huge-much bigger than I really am, probably.

It's a weird feeling. I know, objectively, that I look ok, and probably in better shape than many of my peer group. I'm 56, so hardly a youngster. But the way I feel about how I look affects me daily. I can never relax, and be myself, because I'm constantly aware of how I look. I measure my self-worth by how I think others perceive me. Especially men.

It's a bit sad and pathetic really.

My mother was hypercritical about looks. She'd critique all the girls in my class's looks when I was in Primary. She never said I was ugly as such. But the constant feeling of being critiqued made me feel I was. When I was older, she was more overtly critical and used to spend many a Sunday evening squeezing my blackheads. I'm not sure if she meant to be so thoughtless, but from then on I got the "uncomfortable in my skin" feeling that I haven't been able to shake off.

.

I definitely felt that I was a bit weird looking as a child - my ears stuck out, I was super skinny & in the Summer, plagued by terrible hay fever. My younger sister looked like an angel - I was the clever, dippy one ....

Teenage years - I was a bit awkward. Still skinny, mousey hair, slightly awkward in my own skin.

I think I blossomed in my 20's & grew into my looks. I've had my fair share of good compliments but more than that, I started to accept myself & played on my slightly unconventional looks.

I'm now 44 & I accept myself for who I am & part of me doesn't give a toss! I am slim, have a good hair cut, dress well, put make up on most days - theoretically, I know I'm no super model but I am comfortable in my own skin & I do get compliments - as much about who I am as well as how I look. More than anything, the ones that matter are when I've been told I'm a beautiful person - not based on my looks. I do my best to be kind, friendly, thoughtful & honest - this makes me feel good so I suppose that might show on the surface.

It hasn't been easy - especially after my exH had an affair with someone 14 years my junior. That stung. But I pride myself more on my personal qualities than how I look. Even though my confidence & self esteem has take a battering, part of me has a more "fuck it" attitude these days....

I grew into my looks in my twenties; my teens were awkward and uncomfortable and just a bit self-hating and angst-ridden without realising that it was probably the best my body would ever look. I'm 34 now and confident about my features and body. Both are far from perfect, but my body produced two naughty children and for that alone, I refuse to beat myself up over any part of it. Of course my hips are wider than they were back then; life has come from them. Of course my breasts aren't as lovely and perky; they've fed two demonic children. Of course I have frown lines; I found the smallest one in the bath with a Mac lippy not long ago. But for every change, there's a benefit far outweighing it.

I have boys not girls, but am still quite conscious of the whole society-defined-version of beauty, so don't diet or deny myself anything, instead I teach them about moderation and being strong and healthy not thin and pretty, don't talk about my body or features negatively, and would pull them up if I heard them speaking disparagingly about another person's looks or body.

Confidence comes from all kinds of places but mine's never been looks-focussed. The irony being a few of my friends from school (who were the "pretty" ones back then) stress far more about ageing than I ever have.

Also, I was 10 when I went to live with my parents and my Mum was very looks-focussed, always dieting and trying to lose weight, or complaining about her nose or wrinkles. I'm certain growing up with a parent who is so completely batshit over looks is what's sent me the other way.

MIL is also very looks-focussed and often says to me I've gained weight since having the DCs. She's absolutely right. Part of me is thrilled to refuse to comply to her mad regime of never having dessert or more than one glass of wine a week. Life is far too short to be spent saying "oh, but think of your hips". I think of my lovely soft round hips which carry her darling grandchildren and pour myself another delicious glass of wine.

I was bullied about my thick glasses & spots in my teens & really didn't like how I looked - looking back at pictures, I now think I looked okay. My dress sense was pretty dire - mum didn't help, always surprising me with tan corduroy culottes & so on, which I actually wore My parents were never ones to give compliments about looks, but they never said anything negative either.

I got contact lenses in my late teens & felt much more confident. Now I'll wear glasses & be happy with them, but I much prefer the CLs.

Always been slim with a small bust & a big sticking-out bottom, rather than wide hips IYSWIM. I've always been happy with my figure. I had my teeth straightened a couple of years ago in my late 40s & feel much better. Getting a bit grey & wrinkly, but I don't mind that. I've learnt what suits me in terms of make-up & clothes, & think I look pretty good most of the time. I look my age more or less, but I'm not trying to do otherwise

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

― Roald Dahl, The Twits

Growing up in the 50s, with a dm who had no empathy and was fundamentally jealous of my sister and me (as I discovered many years later). No confidence in my looks, despite many positive comments about my complexion and figure (I believed I was fat - 5'10" and 10 stone). I wore clothes that did not flatter and whatever shoes I could find that fit my huge feet, and buried myself in my studies. Now, I look back at the photos of me in the 60s and 70s and realise that I was actually stunning, with long slim limbs and a flawless skin. So little self-awareness to enjoy my youth and beauty. My dd is truly gorgeous and I tell her so every day, as I do my granddaughters. I also encourage kindliness, empathy, but also a focus on their intelligence and abilities. So many young girls missed so many opportunities back in the day.

I started to be happy with the way I looked in my early thirties - I think I grew in confidence because other areas in my life were going well. But things became stressful at work and I suffered with depression and anxiety and lost all of my hair, eyebrows and most of my eyelashes and they've never grown back. I feel like it doesn't really matter what I do with my appearance anymore as you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear but I feel too young to just give up.

It's interesting to read these. I go through phases of confidence and insecurity.
It's quite closely tied with intimacy and love, for me. I get pretty insecure the more unloved I feel, which is ridiculous, I know, but I don't know how to break the pattern.
Mostly, I just don't give a shit what other people think I look like. I'm not into fashion, but I pick things that I think are pretty, or feel comfy and soft, clothes that make me feel a certain way - and that helps. Even if the clothes aren't to other people's taste. So, on that level, I think clothes (and other adornments) are important to lift the mood and self esteem.

Some people are what are considered by some people in society to be beautiful (how they look)
But inside they are horrible people and they treat other people horribly too

I like people that have a warm heart and soul inside, who are kind to people and animals

Everyone is different and nobody is perfect

I like who I am

I try to treat others how I would like to be treated

I used to think I was ugly because I didn't look like the women in magazines. I am also horribly unphotogenic, so I never see myself looking nice really. BUT I am a happy soul and really like other people, so even if people do recoil in horror at my big nose, frizzy hair gappy teeth they are usually charmed by my winning personality (grin).

Having my daughter and her love for me made me feel a lot better about myself too (complete in a way) so now I concentrate on being a good person and try not to think about my physical form.

Oddly enough the characteristics I was most unhappy with - nose, teeth etc are all inherited from (dead) grandparents so in a way when I look in the mirror I see my place in the family genetic chain. Makes me feel connected to them.

Can I just ask, those of you who feel confident, whilst knowing you are not necessarily 'perfect', do you feel confident in bikinis, or being naked in front of your partner or whatever?

I'm currently trying to develop my confidence in order to undo the damage caused by my mother and then, later, boyfriends/husband.

The bit I struggle with is that, even if I have confidence in myself and think I'm ok (which I'm beginning to make some headway on), I still worry that if I'm with someone they will be scrutinising my flaws and feel a little repulsed by me!

My parents always told me how beautiful, gorgeous I was. I had some insecurities as a teenager, but on the whole I have always felt confident in how I look.

Now, pushing 40, I still feel confident, but I am starting to fret about the ageing process (vain) and know that I will look old soon. Our society doesn't like "old" and that unreasonably makes me feel a it low.

op you describe yourself in such a way that I imagine a tall, slender beauty with striking eyes and a shapely butt. Isn't it funny how others see you?