Why are you confident about your looks and when did you become so?

[Trashyearrings]

I've just name changed, and often post on threads but don't start them.

My question is:
**Why are you confident about your looks, and when did you become confident?

I am quite insecure about my looks and decided I was hideously ugly when I was bullied in school. I was very tall and skinny and had frizzy hair and glasses. My dm would make disparaging comments about my hair, she wanted a dd with "long blonde hair" and "chose the wrong father" (my dad is black). She would often dress me in men's (not boy's) clothing from age 13 as she said it was the only thing that would fit me lengthwise (i am 5'10 now, was prob 5'7 then?) She didn't do this to be mean and I very quickly started to buy my own clothes, but to her I was so tall and she didn't believe that women's clothes would fit me. To this day she will comment if she sees me in heels that I'll "tower over everyone". Dm and her siblings are 5' and under, so I know I must seem v, v tall to her. On df's side lots of women are my height and over.

I don't like my teeth (gappy), and am finding it hard to lose weight from my stomach after dcs. My tummy is fat, as are my thighs. When I was very slim (underweight) I thought that my bum and thighs were too small. Basically, I always find something to dislike.

I'm in my 30s now and have been trying to focus on the positives and have definitely got past the self-pitying stage that defined my 20s. I like my eyes, and I like my bum and breasts; and have spent years growing my hair (this is the first time in my life that I've worn my hair out). But I wouldn't say that I'm confident yet.

For those of you who are confident about your looks; why and when did you gain your confidence?

Is it just a state of mind? Is it compliments from others? Were you raised to be confident about your looks? Do you look like someone who is famously considered to be good looking? Were you sculpted by a surgeon to be his/her idea of goodlooking? Is it due to fitting that symmetry grid thing that apparently defines beauty? Is it because your significant other is beautiful and must have picked you for the same reason?

Caveat: I know that there are more important things in life than looks. I'm just curious.

I was a terribly awkward teenager, and cruel comments from my mum about needing a nose job didn't help.

My turning point was a year or so ago (I'm now 30): I looked at old photos of myself from uni. I remember that when they were taken, I was fretting about the size of nose, my hair thinning (at 18??!), my hair being frizzy, being overweight - when actually I looked rather cute and quirky. Instead of getting on with my life, I was anxious about other people seeing my imperfections.

Now when I get dressed or look at myself in the mirror, I try to celebrate good things about my looks, and imagine what 40 year old me would say ten years from now. I hope that when people look at me, they see a smiley, friendly, approachable person. Cheesy, but works for me .

My "thinning" hair is still a giant afro/Jew-fro that goes through the door a few seconds ahead of me...

I'm probably going to upset some people by saying this, but I did have a cosmetic surgery procedure six years ago and that changed my confidence overnight. I know that the received wisdom is that one procedure leads to another because you fix one thing and then look for the next problem, but that has not been the case with me - it was one thing, it's done now, and that's that and I have no regrets. I am far more interested in what my body can DO now rather than how it looks - I work out a lot and have a lot more physical strength than I used to have, and that to me is very empowering and confidence boosting.

I think once I got through the teen years, probably about 16, I stopped obsessing about my looks and have just felt comfortable with myself. My family never mentioned whether I was attractive or not, but as I got older I guess clothes hanging well gives some confidence. I'm an OK looking forty something , I still feel confident as I know I don't need to be the attractive person in the room .I always avoided those womens magazines that you see at the hairdressers, I think that helps you not to feel bad about yourself.

Thank you everyone for all your responses. I find the amount of us who had dms or close relatives who were critical of appearance intetesting, because it's not just posters of one particular age group so I don't think we could pick an era and say 'thats just how dms were in the 50s ...or in the 80s', it seems to be very much the individual approach of some dms and I wonder why. Those who are now NC with their families (which I was genuinely sorry to read about) obviously had parents (or dms) who were unkind; but others seem to have been brought up by people who were generally kind and well-meaning, but who were also unnecessarily cruel about appearance. I think my dm falls into the latter camp, and I wonder what she was trying to achieve (if anything).

Happy50 thank you I'll have a look

My mother is very pretty but has cripplingly low self-esteem, she also had rather bad skin and an eating disorder - very sad indeed, She is in her mid seventies and has lovely skin now and legs most teenagers would kill for but she doesn't see it. She looks about 60 and works full time and is energetic. She always told me I am beautiful but I too suffer from low self -esteem. Strange because objectively I can see I'm quite pretty but struggle to believe it. As a child people used to gush about how beautiful I was and now I see people doing the same with my own DD. I just don't want to pass on the self-loathing to her and am now starting therapy.

Trashy I think you sound altogether gorgeous

When I moved out of my family home.

Very critical, hyper-aware hothouse on one side of my family. Lots of bizarre attitudes to how 'academic' girls should look, linking morals/intellect/class to clothing in a frankly medieval finery laws type way. I was bamboozled.

Went to university, realised I looked perfectly normal and, by co-ordinating my clothes and make up I could represent my personality quite clearly and looked very presentable.

Years later, I still know I can even if a porridge flinging toddler gets in the way and I like that.

A few months ago.
In the last three years I've had many men show an interest in me, two of them internationally known (admittedly, in a particular field).
I decided that regardless of how I thought I looked, it was working for them so I'd stop worrying about it.

My mother was also very critical growing up, but I was lucky in that I had a lot of other adults around who made her comments easier to ignore. I was a dancer growing up which taught me early on just what my body was capable of. I don't do it anymore, but getting into an exercise routine always boosts my confidence because I feel strong and like my body can do anything, which in turn makes me feel sexy and beautiful. I think finding hobbies you enjoy or being successful in your professional life can also go a long way towards feeling confident. When you know you bring something good to the table you feel more comfortable in your own skin.

I remember growing up how all the other girls always put themselves down (I'm so fat, I'm rubbish at this, my hair's terrible, and on and on). The pattern was always for one girl to say something bad about herself, and then another to say "Oh no, you're great, I'm the one who is fat/ugly/insert negative adjective here". Even then I thought that was a very damaging mindset. I never said anything about it, and I didn't talk myself up, but I didn't really participate in it either and I remember some girls thinking I was full of myself because I didn't go out of my way to put myself down. I just never understood why the only way to fit in was to be negative about myself. Surely building each other up is a better way to bond.

The one important thing to remember is that confidence should come from within. Sure, attention from men or another person can make you feel more confident for the moment, but what happens when that attention goes away?

Attention from the outside, unsolicited, is life-affirming. Don't decline, acknowledge it charmingly as your right say thank you, and get on with the every day. For me, now 60, it comes from old blokes but the sentiment is still positive.

Looking as good as you can is good for you, and everyone else too. Double win if it brings a lift to incidental strangers.

It's for you, not anyone else. You are the main person to please. Only you have to live with yourself 24 x 7. The rest............

The one important thing to remember is that confidence should come from within. Sure, attention from men or another person can make you feel more confident for the moment, but what happens when that attention goes away?

Agreed. Also that false modesty/putting yourself down is a sad part of sexism and we need to stop doing it.

Trashyearrings, I wonder whether some DMs are well-intentioned but either (a) think they are 'improving' their daughters by prompting them to correct perceived flaws, or (b) want to emphasise character over physical attributes but end up coming across as negative, or (c) accidentally share / pass on their own neuroses about their looks.

At 41 I feel very attractive ! I look after myself, take a lot of pride in my appearance, enjoy pampering myself and treating myself well. I have to be honest and say I look at myself every day and think I am beautiful inside and out. Not something I would say out loud other than to my closest friends as society doesn't really like us women self loving ourselves, society seems to prefer it when we are comparing ourselves to others or constantly unhappy with this or that. But that's my honest answer to your question, OP.

I'm 59 and very happy about the way I look. Some of the things that I saw as disadvantages when I was younger are advantages now. Being small breasted means I'm still quite pert. Having straight hair is now a plus whereas as a child my mother used to put curlers in it all the time. Through fate I have no varicose or spider veins, which is a real plus, and some of the dental work I had done a couple of years ago means I now have a better smile than ever too. At my age I can wear what I want and don't have to follow fashion like I did when I was 20.

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I've jist been reading through all of these ones.
Mrsmarigold I really hope that it helps you

I've always been confident about my looks. My confidence is way above my looks!

Both parents couldn't believe they had such beautiful children as me and siblings. They were incredulous.

Out in the real world, people would make jokes about my looks, (because by more conventional measures of beauty I am nothing!) insult me, tease me, but it was water off a ducks back.

And I didn't get all the boys, but the ones I did get, really liked me a lot.

So much is about confidence. I was brought up to believe I am beautiful, worthy and can achieve anything I want. My dad still reinforces this now I'm in late 20s. I eat well, exercise regularly and have been fortunate enough to be naturally slim (size 6/8), on the short side of average height and I could count on my hands and feet how many spots I've had in my life put together.

I wouldn't say I'm anything special. It all comes from confidence instilled as a child and I suppose, depressingly, that I've never been rejected by anyone I found attractive, quite the opposite. I have many days when I think eek, I should get more sleep / drink less, but fundamentally I just don't give a crap or need external validation about my looks to feel happy.

I've never been confident about my looks...growing up with glasses and freckles I never felt attractive. I've always been slim but after a lot of bullying at school I ended up focussing on the negatives.

As I got older I began to worry less, but after having two children I lost my way and felt frumpy and unattractive. A couple of friends told me about House of Colour and that was when things changed...I had my colours analysed and then my style. It was amazing! I could see what colours made my eyes sparkle and I understood what styles and lengths of clothes I should be wearing and the kind of look I should be going for.

After that I had lots of compliments and so many people told me how healthy I looked and I just started to feel like 'me'! I'm not into fashion but I understand what works for my shape. It's focussing on the positive and looking like the best version of me. HoC really helped me to change how I see myself - it was a huge confidence boost and the best investment I have ever made. I would highly recommend.

I dont care very much. We didn't talk about looks growing up.
I'm ok. On a thread like this I can think of things I like and don't like about my looks but I rarely think about it in normal life.
I know what clothes I like. They're quite low maintenance and a bit androgynous but I think stylish so it's not that I don't like clothes/myself (today I've got on plum skinnies and a grey/black stipe top and pewter brogues).

I could have written most of your post myself. From childhood to mid 20s I would have described myself as lanky and ugly and awkward. My hair was neither straight nor particularly curly- just had a life of its own and would not hold a style. I tried to have whatever seemed to be the trendy hair style of the time but it never suited me and I could never do it myself to look like the hairdresser had. I hated my face- everything about it seemed odd. I was very pale and would not leave the house without my legs covered- no matter how hot it was. I could see, logically and objectively, that other than my height my features were in some way similar to other people who I didn't think were ugly. But I always felt that somehow the way they worked on me was ugly. I was not a victim of terrible bullying at school but other children would constantly make comments about my looks and the way that I dressed (DM didn't really believe in wearing anything even vaguely fashionable to school, even when there was not a strict uniform). Even in to my 20s I was very conscious about what I was wearing and always wanted to wear something 'safe' (ie the same sort of thing that everyone else would be wearing).

I never felt that boys/men were interested in me. However, I can see now that quite a few were but that I decided that anyone who did show an interest must be odd, ugly, uncool, sleezy (by virtue of being interested in me iyswim). This extended to several men that I rather liked until they seemed to like me too. I ended up having relationships with people who put me down and made me feel I should be grateful for them putting up with me.

At some point in my late 20s I decided I had had enough. I would rather accept that I was not wanted and be single than try to make myself look and be something that I wasn't. I think part of this change around came from being successful in other aspects of my life, from being in a relationship which made me so miserable that I decided I didn't want another, and from having good friends around me.

Once I decided that I didn't care about trying to have a boyfriend or about what people might say about my looks/clothes I started to wear what I liked and felt suited me (aided and abetted my good friends). I started to think that I actually looked OK and started to accept that if other people thought so too then they were not necessarily lying or weird.

I am now probably objectively the worst looking I've ever been (a bit overweight, can't be bothered with make-up, hair still won't behave unless it's straightened, I have a wrinkle or 2, I wear what I like (which I suspect is often not what other people expect a 40 something woman to be wearing). However, in my head I am at my most beautiful.

OP, you DM sounds a bit like my DH's mother and sister. Both of them have struggled with their own weights, and with accepting the way they look. DMIL feels fat and like people are always laughing at her. DSIL has been dyeing her hair since she was a teenager, because she hated being ginger. While they mean well, they place far too much emphasis on appearance, and it comes out in ugly ways sometimes when they speak to my daughter, stepdaughter and niece. Things like: "It's a pity you have your mother's hair; it's so thin," or, "You'll be getting your [pale, ginger] eyelashes tinted with me someday," or "Och, you'll have to get a nose job someday; you've got your dad's nose".

As for me, my confidence about the way I look comes and goes. My own DM is a suburban hippie who is overweight but eats well and exercises, isn't that bothered with makeup, and can't style hair (can't even make a braid). The downside to that was I had a lot of hair battles with my mom and am still pretty inept with makeup. But the upside is I heard a lot of "Pretty is as pretty does" growing up.

On my good days, I look in the mirror and try not to walk away until I find a feature I like. Sometimes, it's just something like the color of my eyes. But there's a lot I can do to emphasize the color of my eyes.

On days when I feel inept with makeup and style, I try to think of the prettiest women I know in my family - they happen to be two outdoorsy, athletic young women who wear little (if any) makeup and casual clothes most of the time. They are beautiful because they are positive, upbeat women - strong, capable, happy, and the type that go after and accomplish their dreams.

This is usually enough to keep me satisfied when I look in the mirror. Still working on feeling satisfied when I look at a picture of myself later on. Had a "Who is that fat woman" moment when I looked at some photos of me running a 10k last night. Trying to remember that literally no one thinks they look nice while running 10k.

I agree that it is to do with inner confidence.

I have no idea why, but I think I must just have that inner confidence (as does my DS) - I was a "well-built" "big-boned" (though would have looked normal these days) till my early twenties, but I never once worried about how I looked and it certainly didn't put off the opposite sex!