Why are you confident about your looks and when did you become so?

[Trashyearrings]

I've just name changed, and often post on threads but don't start them.

My question is:
**Why are you confident about your looks, and when did you become confident?

I am quite insecure about my looks and decided I was hideously ugly when I was bullied in school. I was very tall and skinny and had frizzy hair and glasses. My dm would make disparaging comments about my hair, she wanted a dd with "long blonde hair" and "chose the wrong father" (my dad is black). She would often dress me in men's (not boy's) clothing from age 13 as she said it was the only thing that would fit me lengthwise (i am 5'10 now, was prob 5'7 then?) She didn't do this to be mean and I very quickly started to buy my own clothes, but to her I was so tall and she didn't believe that women's clothes would fit me. To this day she will comment if she sees me in heels that I'll "tower over everyone". Dm and her siblings are 5' and under, so I know I must seem v, v tall to her. On df's side lots of women are my height and over.

I don't like my teeth (gappy), and am finding it hard to lose weight from my stomach after dcs. My tummy is fat, as are my thighs. When I was very slim (underweight) I thought that my bum and thighs were too small. Basically, I always find something to dislike.

I'm in my 30s now and have been trying to focus on the positives and have definitely got past the self-pitying stage that defined my 20s. I like my eyes, and I like my bum and breasts; and have spent years growing my hair (this is the first time in my life that I've worn my hair out). But I wouldn't say that I'm confident yet.

For those of you who are confident about your looks; why and when did you gain your confidence?

Is it just a state of mind? Is it compliments from others? Were you raised to be confident about your looks? Do you look like someone who is famously considered to be good looking? Were you sculpted by a surgeon to be his/her idea of goodlooking? Is it due to fitting that symmetry grid thing that apparently defines beauty? Is it because your significant other is beautiful and must have picked you for the same reason?

Caveat: I know that there are more important things in life than looks. I'm just curious.

Ive lost confidence in myself as i have got older. I was quite pretty all my life. Some people would tell me that i was pretty enough for modelling. However, that was never going to happen as i was very shy growing up and never really thought that about myself either.
Now I am in my late forties. I think i look ok some days and days like yesterday, i think i look like a wrinkly old bag. I think now i have lost confidence cause there are things i would like to hide like my crepey neck and sadly have suffered from a condition on my inner eyes called syringinoma [little raised bumps] which i hate but there is no cure for :(

My dad brought my sister and I up with the help for a while of my step mum and they always used to tell us that we were beautiful I think it went in. (I know it's really unfashionable to tell girls they're pretty) but I think it did our confidence a lot of good- both of us have our own style that we're confident with and are happy with what we have got.
Im sure it's down to parents.
I always tell my step daughter how pretty she is.

I gained a lot of superficial confidence about appearance at 15/16 when people started to ask me out, be complimentary and so on.

For me real confidence came much, much later when I began to age and I really viscerally realised it doesn't matter what you look like, or if your hair is messy. I chopped all my hair off and largely stopped wearing make up, heels and all of those things on 'school days'. I feel much better without all the constant lipstick retouching and so on. Life is better when you make your own standards.

Women are under so much pressure to perfect themselves constantly and young women absorb horrible, stealthy messages about why they're valued. Even wonderful, intelligent, stunning, multi-talented women seem to feel the pressure to constantly strive to look better (but it's one very narrow beauty ideal that is pushed constantly).

It's really insidious.

It definitely does seem that how your parents spoke about your looks affects how you feel when you're older. I know I am ok looking, certainly I wouldn't say beautiful but my skin is nice and I have an ok face. I'm 5ft 1 and have always wanted to be a bit taller but not much I can do about that. My DM always told me how lovely and beautiful I was and let me borrow her clothes when I was a teenager and lent me her make up, my DF was once asked who was the most attractive person he knew (after DM and DF got divorced) and I still remember to this day he said me!

they always used to tell us that we were beautiful I think it went in. (I know it's really unfashionable to tell girls they're pretty) but I think it did our confidence a lot of good

I have always told DD that she is beautiful.

Never 'pretty', gorgeous or any other words; Always 'beautiful' and I never say it when she's dressed up, always when she's active, wind-blown, swimming or some-such. I still think that's one of my better parenting decisions.

I was constantly bullied by my mother, and made to feel some sort of freak. Men seemed to find me attractive but I felt objectified and disgusted by all the looking and hassle.
Now that I'm older I value other things and I don't often think about what I look like. I still have to remember however to walk tall and not be shy about myself. It's not that I think I'm ugly or beautiful, and men and comments etc. don't really bother me anymore. It's all the verbal stuff from my parents about how I was showing off, I should walk looking at the ground, etc. My sister was always believed in any argument, I received no sympathy, or help, or actual affection. All of that has scarred me, and I still blame myself when someone inexplicably dislikes me. I'm quite confused about what I look like, don't know if I'm beautiful - and anyway 'beautiful' is such a subjective term.

I didn't like my looks growing up, felt awkward and uncomfortable in my skin. I look at pics now and think I wish I knew how good I looked! (nothing special, but not ugly like I felt) I learned to love my body through sport, and loving it for what it could do, and playing sports with women of all shapes and sizes who were proud of their bodies and didn't hide them.

I'm a bit fat now, I'm pale and blotchy and hairy and have rubbish hair, I think I look older than I am and I have tons of cellulite. But I'm comfortable in my skin, and I know how to look good, and I'm happy with my body (most of the time). I run and I'm active and I love what my body can do. It's definitely a state of mind for me.

I don't wear make up either and chopped my hair off. I wear a uniform for work. Day to day I don't focus on how I look and I like it that way.

I think I've always (well since 12/13) felt confident, my dad was very complimentary about the way we looked (dsis and I ) and my dm was never funny about food or weight. I don t think that's much help to you OP.

I think, now that I'm older, that beauty is something that shines out from within. Some people are just beautiful even though they may not be so in an aesthetic photogenic way. People always look beautiful when they're happy

Always been confident and thought of myself as attractive.

It's definitely down to being told so throughout childhood/ teen years.. Mum, gran and grandad etc. Even when I was bullied for having glasses, and had a major hair disaster where it came up bright orange.

I remember coming down in the morning for school and my grandad would tell me how beautiful I looked. I think its purely just a state of mind, if its drilled into you then you always have it! And i tell my DDs every day

I was always told my sister was the pretty one.
It did affect my confidence, I won't lie, but once I got older I could see for myself that while I wasn't beautiful I am certainly attractive, so I think now it's my sister who has no confudence.
All these comments from patents and relatives really mess us up.

Hi Trashy Earings
You sound lovely.
People internalise the messages they are given as children - the most powerful the ones from those closest to them
But it is possible to turn them round and feel the gorgeous person you are.
Read Robert Holden "Shift Happens", Paul McKenna Be Happy, look at Louise Hays mirror work.
Google emotional tapping technique EFT
The internal work is very powerful
On an external level - if you could afford it a colour and style day from a recommended , House of Colour consultant made me feel more confident in how I dresses.
Choose someone who is warm and makes you feel good.

My mum instilled confidence in me from a very young age and never made weight or food a thing at all. Ironically she gave me a terrible haircut which I was forced to keep until I was about 14 and I had buck teeth and was weirdly thin until about then. I think because I grew up as an ugly duckling I never really put too much emphasis on my looks. Once I got to late teens I blossomed and grew very pretty (when I make an effort) I'm not boasting it was just strange that I was a gawky geek of a child and ended up modelling etc. Despite being good looking enough to make some money (I'm not an amazing catwalk model far from it, but in make up have a pretty face) I am riddled with things I don't like about my body. I won't call them insecurities because although I don't like them they don't really affect my self esteem. I'm not toned and have fat, wobbly thighs and chunky upper arms which I usually try to hide but I try to keep it all in perspective.

Age has definitely improved my confidence. Once I had all my children, I felt so lucky that I had healthy happy kids that what I looked like didn't seem to matter as much. I have always cared about my appearance but suddenly I didn't seem to be seeking others approval. I think that must have happened in my 40's.

I've always been confident about my looks ( well except for that awful ugly disliking phase around 11).

My parents told me I was attractive, but in a very honest way - so we used to laugh about my big arse whilst saying I was beautiful.

Even now at almost 50 I think I look good. I mean I don't rock like I did in my younger years but I look pretty nice.

I've also been very lucky with my men folk. They've all told me I was beautiful and sexy.

I've never had one if those confidence-suckers to deal with.

My mum always told me I was beautiful, but she wasn't very confident in her looks herself (even though she is v pretty!). So yes, she started it, but one big factor was a close friend of mine. I met her aged 10 and as we grew up (and I mean the gang of 5 girl friends), she would never hear anything negative about our appearance. She would say how gorgeous she was (and she really is!) but also encourage the rest of us to point out our good features too. We shopped a lot as teenagers, in the way where you go and try on 15 items each, plus everything everyone else brought into the changing room, and we really learned what suited us and what didn't (and then bought 1 of the 50 items between us - poor shop assistants! I remember a lovely assistant in Monsoon who used to let us try on full length ball gowns and never told us to piss off because at 13 we were clearly never going to actually buy one!). She also had a vendetta against unnatural fabrics and so I learned to really look at the construction of a piece of clothing - was it lined, did it have pockets, was it made out of something nice to touch? She can be a bit over the top, but it could so easily have gone the other way with a moaning competition about the size of our teeny 13 yo bums. I knew I was thin because I wore size 8, so the sniping at school didn't really bother me - we lived in our own little weird/smart girl bubble and ignored the queen bee cows.

Then I guess when I started to attract male attention it did kind of showcase that actually, I was reasonably hot, because guys fancied me. It sounds terribly anti-feminist, but as a teenager you just get an ego boost from being asked out, especially when it's on a school trip where the more popular girls are overlooked.

I'm not stunning, but I have a deep conviction that I'm actually rather pretty (at least when I make the effort). I'm a bit overweight and I'd like to change that, but I have trouble actually buckling down to it. I'm small (5'2") but it's never bothered me - all the women in my family are under 5'3".

So I guess I've been pretty confident from a young age because of having a very ego-boosting mum and best friend. I tell DD she's beautiful all the time and I hope she grows up confident too.

I find thatnot thinlingmuch about my looks and avoiding mirrors helps.

My parents never said I was beautiful, it would have been weurd if they did, neither of them are into looks or discuss other people's looks.

If I look closely in the mirror I can see all my flaws. I find that the less I look in the mirror the more confident about my looks I feel

I have always had good self-esteem and I was pretty confident about my looks when I was young.

My mother always encouraged me to wear make up and liked to buy me clothes. My mother was stunning though and no one in my family came close and we all looked different to her. She is dark and I am blonde and pale. She was a young mum and I remember men approaching us both .

My parents brought us up to be modest and put others before ourselves which my mother says she now regrets.

State of mind and just not being concerned about physical appearance - I have always had good self esteem, I genuinely believe there are so many things that are more important than what you look like. I have always been on the 'attractive' side of 'average' but unless people reek of BO I rarely notice what they look like; I have recently lost quite a bit of weight (for health reasons) and am a bit irritated when people comment on how I look - to me it is totally personal - I am exactly the same person and what I look like shouldn't be anyone else's business. A neighbour actually said to me 'you do look nice' - a sort of back handed compliment I suppose .

But I don't know how I grew up to be like this - probably my parents' influence - I had a very happy, stable upbringing, my parents were big into voluntary work and 'thinking about others' so maybe that rubbed off on me? Bizarrely my mother (80+) is more obsessed with her appearance than I am.

I despair for young, or not so young, women who are totally wrapped up in what they look like. .

I agree its a state of mind. My DM never told me I was pretty when I was a DC, but I felt loved by her and my dad and GPs and other people told me I was pretty - so I grew up with decent self-esteem on that front. I wasn't bullied at school and certainly no one ever told me I was ugly and by the time I was in my mid-teens I started to get attention from boys. Looking back I was a slightly chubby teen and 20-something, but I had blonde hair and I was friendly and fun and so I always attracted guys even though now, looking back, I can see that I needed to lose a stone! Anyway, it further affirmed to me that I was reasonably attractive and that has stayed with me.

I'm now 42 and a DM of two boys and though there are days when I feel and look like crap and it really helps now to slap on some make-up before I go out I'm pretty happy with how I look. I've got a few wrinkles, I'd like my backside and thighs to be thinner and I'd like to lose half a stone, but generally I've made peace with the bits I don't like and I dress to emphasise the bits I do.

As for you OP, if you don't like the gap in your teeth why don't you get it fixed? Something like that is pretty easy to sort out. As for your DM's negativity to your looks as you were growing up - every child should grow up feeling loved and accepted and your DM failed to make you feel like that. Well shame on her and I'm glad you've found your own acceptance and realised that you have features that you do like as you've grown older and that you enjoy being tall. I'm 5'4" and wish I was taller, so none of us is truly happy I don't think!

Just5minswithDacre, that's an amazing way to do it! Am going to be mindful of this with my DD and try to do the same.

My mother never praised my looks and always fretted about my weight (probably fairly, but unhelpfully).

What I find most confidence boosting is seeing other women, perhaps particularly those who don't have a stereotypically 'pretty' look, looking totally magnificent and full of confidence in themselves. Have seen some AMAZINGLY gorgeous women recently, all with this amazing presence and charisma and 'look', who must be around my dress size. Makes me think... there's actually no reason why I couldn't do that too, right?

I've recently only started feeling confident about my appearance and sexy. My mother always focused on that fact that my "attractiveness" was entirely dependent on my "thin-ness" as long as I was underweight or the lower area of a healthy BMI I was "attractive." Unfortunately the boys and girls at school didn't agree, and constantly made fun of my lack of chest and bum and the fact that my nose looks like it's been broken. The only compliment I got growing up from peers was that I had nice eyes, and that I was a good height (5 foot 6).

My mother really put a lot of pressure on me to blend in as well. She was always asking why I didn't have a boyfriend when other girls did, and her general attitude to why I didn't was "because there must be something wrong with my personality" and the few times I tried to explore my personnel fashion tastes (jeans, comic book t's, bright hair, piercings and tattoos) I was told to stop being "eccentric and weird."

She harped at me about exercise, and as a result I really over exercised and didn't enjoy it. It was just something I did to stay thin.

I did start getting a lot of male attention when I went to uni, and through my 20's. Unfortunately my incredibly low self esteem meant that I didn't quite know what to do with it and never really felt confident in my appearance. The only confidence I had in myself and my appearance was tied up with my dress size. I was skinny, so I was ok.

I gained quite a lot of weight after meeting DH and went from roughly nine and a half stone to 14 stone. DH didn't care, more of me to love :P.

My weight fluctuated thanks to fad diets and pregnancy for a few years, and I went through some pretty dark periods, but when I had my DD Boom. It just hit me. I can't do to her what my mom did to me.

I started exercising for my health and just doing what I enjoy rather then looking at how many calories I burn. I stopped dieting and focused on healthy eating. I sorted out my mental health (diagnosed ADHD) and I started reading a lot of body positivity blogs, and now at 35 and 12 stone I feel awesome and I think I look curvy and sexy. I wear what I feel comfortable in. I color my hair and cut it the way I want. I just feel good.

It's a tough one and bound up so much with experiences in early life and what you were told by your mum/other relatives/friends. I've felt much more confident over the past few years despite being the biggest I've ever been (size 18, 5 foot 7) mainly, I think, because I've given birth to 2 amazing boys and I've taken up running. Ten years ago, I might have been 4 stone lighter, but I would have never thought my body to be physically capable of what it's achieved recently.