Crepes, Galettes, Pancakes and Brian the Bucket!

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Here you go...

I too can strip a mean willow (fnar).

Crepeys, do you have any advice on how to deal with DD1? I am completely worn down by her complaining about school. She has complained about every subject except French. She hates all of her teachers, it is all boring and she doesn't see the point of it. Unfortunately, she has been like this at every school, until she leaves, and then the school takes on a glow of wonderfulness. Her grades range from A to F in every subject - she clearly has the ability, but when she can't be bothered, her grades drop, she doesn't hand in homework, and "doesn't see the point." She got consistent As in drama, but when she didn't get a part in the school play, stopped bothering, and has got nothing higher than an F since then. She should be getting As in English, history as well, but finds it all "boring." The subjects are boring in history, she isn't interested in the time period, she hates reading books and poetry she doesn't want to do, and would rather write her own stories than essays about "boring books" (she is doing Harlem renaissance poetry at the moment, which I don't think is particularly boring).

According to her, her teachers "all hate her". I am sure they don't, but they are clearly getting as fed up with her attitude as I am - I know her history teacher has put a rocket up her arse, and the drama teacher has "had words" as well. She has to pick her choices for IB in the next two weeks, but says she doesn't want to do anything as she will fail anyway, and there is no point.

She has friends at the school (quite a lot of friends), she apparently enjoys boarding, according to her and the Head of Boarding and house parents, but claims to have no friends and that she does not "fit in" with the other boarders - yet she is staying over next weekend, by choice, as there is some activity that she and her friends are doing.

I can see her fucking the whole thing up through sheer idleness and whininess, and don't know what to do. I don't want to move schools - she is always very much "the grass is always greener" and views the past through rose coloured glasses. I think moving schools, and having to make new friends (and she is shy) is the last thing she needs. She has two more years of school, and I just don't know what to do.

Can I add that she was exactly the same at her last school? I hoped that as she grew up, she would grow out of it, but if anything, it is getting worse.

Tell her that if she doesn't buck up you'll stop paying the fees and send her to the local comp. That should focus the mind...

I don't think she would care. She would wallow in misery there too, and it would all be my fault. It is always someone else's fault, usually mine or the teachers', never hers.

Hey, mine go to the local comp.

Oh MrsS, so difficult. I will ponder.

Am nearly home. DP picking me up for final bit.

MrsS, I am afraid that sounds horribly familiar!
DD, tonight, while we were out eating en famille, said that she can now see that her school (which she has previously been desperate to escape from) is actually good at supporting pupils pastorally. And that she might end up going back there for sixth form if the others don't offer the right kind of support

Would she benefit from going to see someone to talk? Thinking counsellor of some sort? Then she could moan to them rather than you
And actually, they often listen to someone else who appears to listen to and validify their concerns and gently offers a different viewpoint.

I might see if the head of boarding could have a word with her. She will not go near the counsellor - the counsellor at her last school did more harm than good, and scarred her for life - she took it upon herself to tell the head of DD1's new school that she didn't think DD1 would be suitable for it, she had to have a separate interview because of this reference, and one of her teachers had to intervene and write a separate reference!

Look what I bought in m and s with 20% off! mutton leopard. My children will scream when they see it. Might have to only wear it when they are out.

Oh dear, MrsS, that sounds terribly, terribly familiar. My dd has never liked any of her schools and whilst I did at one point consider sending her to another secondary school, I came to the conclusion that it would make no difference where she was. She could be in the most expensive and fancy school in the country and she would still whinge.
Have you tried making clear to dd1 how limited her options will be if she doesn't pull her finger out and do her best? I'm afraid in recent years I have told dd that there will be no support of any kind from me if she stuffs up due to laziness, arsiness and a general reluctance to take responsibility for herself. She absolutely knows that I'm not messing about on that front and this has gone some way to helping her stop blaming everyone else and get on with things. However, she relapses all the time and is always trying to blame the teachers/me/the basic unfairness of life for her own shortcomings. We are going through one such patch now... I think she will probably be like this for some time to come.
Sorry not to be able to be more helpful. I can only stand with you in solidarity.

You can't make them happy / work hard / like school or anything in fact. You can listen and empathise (with how miserable they are rather than agreeing with their latest gripes). That does seem to go a long way with mine - (ds2 spends a lot of time complaining about various teacher who are crap / unfair / stupid etc.) I often say how hard it is being a 15 year old / 17 year old boy to them, and how difficult to have to put up with your annoying parents and such things. That does seem to help! Sympathy Mrs S.

Excellent advice from BTM and QQ, MrsS. It does sound as though a change of school is the last thing she needs.

Maybe all you can do is be a sounding board and keep trying to spot the positives & give her encouraging feedback. If she's capable of an A but gets an F, she really doesn't need anyone to point out that she's a) cocked it up and b) can choose not to cock it up if she prefers. Is she enjoying extra-curricular stuff and getting on ok with the other girls?

Sorry I've re-read your post & see it's hard to tell how she's really getting on with other girls.

Links arms with those with difficult daughters. I have this with DD2 - her French teacher pretty much summed her up. Sher fools around, gets low grades then blames everybody and goes into victim mode. I had the same analysis last year. With mine it's total immaturity. The French teacher did say she was acting like a troisieme student (15 yr old) rather than a premiere (17yrs). This has to some extent shocked her - I think she thought she was cool.

I have said you "have two years to sort yourself out. There is no point blaming everybody else - you will not end up at the uni you want if you continue." Not sure if this will work or not but it is so frustrating when they are capable but don't care. Mrs S - I would probably have threatened her with the local comp and living at home as well. The only thing with Boarding is they are away from the computer.

I did point out to mine that she would not have caring teachers and parents running round after her at uni and she needs to show a level of maturity plus have the grades to go.

I have to say mine are very motivated by the idea of not going to Nanterre University.

MrsS tell DH Julian was faaaaabbbbb
Not only good music (aside from the support act which we will rapidly gloss over but if anything could drive me to drink.....). But very funny too....

Hatty, you are right, it is total immaturity. Good on her French teacher!

It is kind of reassuring to hear that other DD's are the same - Rudy, do you see it's NOT you if so many of us are having similar issues? It's, as Stropps says, a reluctance to take responsibility for themselves.

MrsS, at counsellor at the previous school. She does need someone that she "connects with" to talk to and tell her to just grow up and get on with it I wonder if, because you only see her at weekends, it all comes out in a big moan then - DD (and DS, though less so) generally moans on a dailyish basis, and so doesn't store it up, IYSWIM. Mind you, the drip-drip effect is just as wearing!

Rudy - I have three who have more or less been brought up the same. DD1 is very mature, always has been. DS is also mature for his age, although he is only 12 and may yet flip to the dark side. DD2 is here own unique self - (I reckon she takes after slightly batty French Grandfather). The only thing that could have made a difference is that she is the middle child. I yell at her when she tries to play this card.

What I'm trying to say is don't try to blame yourself, sometimes I think they are what they are whatever you do - and genetics and character also play a hand.

I can't really input much as mine is still a bit young but agree with Hatty that genes play a hand. I know brothers who are only a year apart and radically different (as are my own brothers). Sometimes needing to be 'different' (i.e. not like the other siblings) is in the mix.

Trouble is whilst I see you point and understand your fears MrsS I also know people who monumentally bombed at school but still made good (obvs its easier if you play all the cards you have....)

Strength to MrsS, Rudy and all Crepeys with DD's who are being challenging. Perhaps school days are just not the best days of many kids lives. Perhaps they need to step up to the plate responsibility-wise…who knows? Of one thing I am sure…Kids in good schools, whether, the independent sector, or high functioning state sector are under unbearable pressure these days. There just has to be a reaction somewhere down the line, and maybe the opting out behaviour, or inconsistent grades or simply moaning constantly is just the thin end of the wedge….and many DC seem to be doing it at some point. I am shocked at how much self harm and eating disorders there are amongst secondary school girls for e.g.

I have to watch DD very carefully for signs of stress…which happen quickly as she struggles so much at school. I also am going mad that she isn't more self reliant but are we not partially responsible too, for being forced to micro manage their lives to such an extent? They then become too prompt dependent, do they not?…..just saying'. I'm the worst offender in this respect….

I have also resolved to make an appointment with my MP to talk about how homework is ruining family life…it might not do anything, he'll probably laugh at me, but at least I get a chance to vent my spleen!

I have an empty house…hurrah. I am going for a morning's writing, and apparently I'm being treated to breakfast

DD1 seems OK but I already struggle with DD2, as you know...

Oh lord, mes amies Crepiennes, I really am struggling. Not to the point of going under or anything, thanks to having both a splendid sister and a cousin who - though completely unrelated to my mum - has been amazing on the researching support options front - but schlepping across the country yesterday, and putting up with my parents' sniping at each other, and their increasing vagueness and deafness, and the inability to sort out quite basic stuff and the ward sister's insistence that oh no of course they didn't book patients in "to see a social worker" and "this should have been sorted at her pre-op assessment", and my mum's bafflement at the inability of her body to work* and her clear distress at getting to grips with stoma management and ffs we are a dysfunctional family can't I just run away and leave them bloody to it.......?????

*the lack of muscle in her right leg just might be because of a life of insufficient exercise, I forebore from pointing out.

Have conducted a sullen Ladyjog on the basis that while my body works I'm bloody using it.

I do realise btw that the post above is all about ME ME ME and I apologise.