Help me improve the way I look please

[imalostcause]

I stopped straightening my hair a few months ago and now let it dry in its natural curls. I decided to have a trim and told the hairdresser (working from home, not in a salon but came highly recommended) I wanted a bob, so she cut it straight, no layers so I wouldn't end up with a triangle supposedly.

It is awful, has no shape, and because I have a side parting it's huge on one side and not the other.

I don't know whether it's the weather but it's constantly just frizzy. I've tried using sls free shampoo and silicone free conditioner but it didn't improve the condition. I've been letting it dry naturally so it would shine when dry and curl, but it's awful, just awful. I have no money at all due to the fact dh has been out of work for over a year, although he starts a new job next week, so another trip to a hairdresser is out of the question for a few months at least.

Add to that the fact that I have put on a lot of weight due to feeling very down and eating cheap crap, I'm now between one and two dress sizes bigger and have absolutely no waist at all but look 6 months pregnant. None of my clothes fit, I live in leggings and 2 tunic tops I have which I hate. I work from home so don't need work clothes but still would like to feel better about myself. Obviously I can't afford new clothes and wouldn't like myself in anything anyway.

I also can't wear makeup because most things aggravate the skin around my eyes so it becomes flaky and sore.

I guess losing weight would help but I can't afford healthy food yet, we live on cheap stuff. I have only £50 max per week to spend on food for 2 adults and teen dd.

Also I think the anti depressants I take aren't helping. And I eat crap when I feel down too

And I look tired and old (I'm 50), I hate my glasses but can't afford contact lenses.

Any tips how I can improve things? Anything I can do about my hair? I thought about trying the mumsnet hair cut but I'm worried I'll make it even worse and also I don't want it shorter because it's shorter than I wanted anyway.

Grateful for any tips.

Sorry for the long post

Hi op you've had some great advice so far.

The first thing I thought when I readid your op was 'Curly Girl'. I'm surprised no one has suggested it so far. If you're on FB I recommend you look for the group 'Curly Girls!' And join. There you will find an extremely friendly and welcoming community of Curlies who will hold your hand and explain the CG method. Essentially you need to ditch your shampoo and 'wash' with conditioner. A lot of people recommend Tresemme Naturals, which I think you can buy really cheaply.

Hope that isn't too overwhelming!

Good luck, hope you start to feel better soon.

When I'm unhappy with my hair (curly and prone to frizz), I pin it up with Bobby pins. I just take it section by section and pin it up, usually leaving tendrils falling round the sides of my face and at the back.

Thanks Sorry for the excuses Yes I am exhausted with it all, so many health issues and financial problems

I have a claw type clip, but my hair isn't long enough and so frizzy, I can't seem to catch it all and keep it tidy and I really don't like my face with my hair pulled completely back. I haven't a clue how to pin my hair back with bobby pins, I just end up with a mess of pins.

I know you're all right about the food and I'm changing it. It's just so much easier to just push something in the oven to heat when everything feels like it's too much.

I think I need to perfect lots of mince recipes!

If you have frizzy hair, you absolutely DO need to use products with silicone in. Try using a silicone free shampoo which should wash out build up, but a silcone containing conditioner to coat the hair and make it somooth and shiny. A styling product will help stop the frizz too (try frizz ease). You don't need an expensive product, tressemee are great and the naturals shamppo is silicone free- great value.

Oh no - just read your post about the contact lenses. Can you ring them up and cancel - explain that you have gone home and worked through your finances and you simply can't afford them?

It sounds like your weight gain is an unfortunate combination of menopause and anti-ds. Frozen veg are really healthy and cheap. Don't stress too much about the eating as i find that sends me into a spiral of negativity, just focus on one meal at a time and try to snack on fruit and veg in between.

A horrible haircut is terribly depressing. I had one earlier this year - I used a groupon deal so it was my own fault, then I ended up having to go to my own expensive hairdresser to rectify the difference anyway. Maybe put some money in a jar and try to save up for another cut.

Echo the Superdrug makeup recommendation. They do £1 lipsticks which I use to buy bright colours that I probably won't wear too much but cheer me up when I couldn't be bothered wearing much make up. Our Superdrug also offers eyebrow threading at half price - its £5 and if it's done well it makes a real difference to my face.

I've been skint & I know what you mean about it seeming to be cheaper to buy rubbish food. My biggest tip for eating well on a budget is to reduce the amount of meat. That doesn't mean no meat, but just that meat isnt the main component of each meal. Quorn is £2 per bag & you can use half a bag in a stir fry & half a bag in pasta.

Some other ideas:
mussels (about £3) served with a sauce made from passata, chilli & garlic (about £1).
Chilli madewith quorn mince - can make a massive pan full for less than a fiver & freeze loads.
Frittata with new potatoes & veg.

For your hair i agree with Bobby pin suggestion up thread - don't pull all your hair back, just some to break it up & take weight out. Also, leave your conditioner in to take the frizzy out.

Clothes, well if you've got no money you can't buy new clothes which is really depressing I know (been there!) but this time of year you will be able to pick up bargains & you'll only need 2-3 teadresses to boostyour wardrobe. New Look always has a good sale.

Cancel your direct debit. I buy my lenses online but have to go through all that crap everytime I get my yearly check up - you need to be very brave and I'm not a brave person. I often say, That sounds good, I will go home and think about it...then order my online ones

I have read the whole thread but can't remember if Pinterest has been suggested. Don't know if this might help?

Hi OP. You're definitely not a lost cause by the way - you need a different name. Sorry things are tough for you at the moment.

I second the small steps approach. Have you looked at the money saving expert site? There are tips on there about reducing bills and also ways to make a bit of extra cash (doing online surveys and that sort of thing). Also information on money you might be able to claim back such as bank charges. Always worth checking - there might be something about contact lens deals too.

Definitely cancel the contact lens direct debit - that's just another worry for you.

Food tip - spag bol! Everybody likes it, you can make a ton of sauce from one packet of mince and two tins of tomatoes, freeze some for another day. Ditto chilli - same sauce with added kidney beans and chilli powder. One cooking session and you know you've got a dinner in the freezer for those days when you just can't face making anything.

I also have curly hair. I've had it long (with layers) for years. My only venture into having it shorter ended up with the dreaded triangle too. Have you got a fringe? Maybe consider having one if not so your face won't feel so "naked" if you pin your hair up or back while it's growing out. The advantage of a curly fringe is that you can trim it yourself without it being obvious if it's a bit wonky.

I'm also 50 and have gone up a couple of dress sizes, despite exercising reasonably regularly and eating healthily. So please don't discount the effects of the menopause on your body. I'm hoping that at some point I will deflate the same way as I have mysteriously inflated.

Good luck with everything OP.

I'm sure you can cancel your standing order for contact lenses. You have a period within the contract to cancel. Check the small print.

With your IBS I would keep away from quorn. It causes stomach problems and also sets of allergy problems in susceptible people. I used to use it but after reading all the independent evidence online regarding it, I now avoid it completely.

The library is a good idea...but you can buy some books from amazon as cheaply as 1 penny you just need to pay £2.50 for postage. You could buy a few cook books that way to give you ideas.
Take advantage of the cheap part in the supermarket. I buy mince/ chicken etc that is reduced and freeze it.
As for fruit and veg...well there is lidel and aldi and other stores that you may be able to buy stuff.
All these things can all help your diet.
Go back to your doctor...sounds like your anti-depressants arent doing you much good if you are still feeling down. Maybe you need a slightly higher dosage. I am on 20mg of citalopram and most days feel good. Have you been on them long? Maybe they havent kicked in yet? Ive been on my tablets for months but didnt really start feeling anything for months. Ask the doctor if you can have some counselling. Anti-depressants will really only help with some form of therapy that gets to the bottom of your issues. I had cognitive behavioural therapy on the NHS and its made a huge difference to how i see things. I had work related stress.
The fact you want to feel better about yourself is a good start. What about building in excercise into your life? Walk to the shops. Leave the car further at the supermarket..that kind of thing? Im not one for excercise regimes tbh...but am a believer in trying to fit it into your life so you will keep to it.
As for clothes...Buy a few things from asda? Sell a few of your other clothes on ebay to pay for it...Just a couple of feel good things. Boohoo.com has some nice things so cheap atm. A lovely velvet tunic for £12 etc.
Eating healthier, building excercise into your life will all help you to lose a bit of weight. My fitness pal is excellent for tracking calories. I go on there everytime i feel i need to lose a bit. Will be doing it again in January!!!
Anti - depressants are a bugger..they either make you feel better and you eat more or they make you hungry...havent worked out what it is for me.
Goodluck. :)

Wow this is a difficult case. I would just start to streighten my hair again because in my case my hair looks damaged anyway - the straightener doesn't make it that much worse.

Like the others said you should really try to go for a walk. This will lighten up your mood and you have the time to think about your problems as well.

Argghhh! Just lost a long message I was posting!

Thanks for all the advice. I will try and find the courage to ring up and cancel the direct debit. It was the optician himself who said they like people to sign up for the direct debit straight away ... but as dh said when I got home, surely then it's not a free trial??

I'll have a look on Pinterest thanks for the link. I don't have a fringe as my hair sticks up in the middle due to the way it grows in a widow's peak.

Yes, the menopause could partly be causing the problems too, although I was definitely overeating on junk and have managed to cut that out for now, whilst still allowing myself a very small amount of chocolate sometimes so that I don't feel too deprived. I have completely lost the little bit of waist that I had, I've never been curvy, just straight up and down, now I'm fat and straight up and down

Thanks for the link to Boohoo, I'm not familiar with them and will have a good look once I have some money to spend.

Moneysavingexpert is great and has helped me reduce our outgoings a lot. I've changed broadband company, changed mobile tariffs, changed gas and electricity provider ... nothing left to change now and we never had PPI insurance due to dh being contractor, so nothing to claim there.

Got to get on with some work, but am really grateful for the support here.

If you're brave, enough, you could use very sharp scissors, and chop into your barnet to make it sit better. It's a quick fix until you can grow it out and save up for another haircut, but might you feel better about how it looks? You need super sharp scissors, and to point them directly upwards from the bottom of the bob (so the blades are pointing towards the ceiling), and lightly scissor. It'll take some of the weight out. Don't do it all in one spot though! Just here and there evenly throughout the bottom. So the blade is about 2.5" - 3" covered by hair, when you start snipping. My friend is a hairdresser, and she cuts my (frizzy) hair. This is how she makes it sit right, and not pouf out on the sides.

I use John Frieda frizzy hair serum which works amazingly for me, but while you're saving money, you could do olive oil hair masks ( a little goes a long way - you only need 2 table spoons), or egg hair masks, that sort of thing. Coconut oil is good if you have that in the kitchen cupboard. There are lots of things in the kitchen which can deep condition the hair for next to nothing.

Embrace winter and wear beanie hats in the meantime until you can try the above.

Ditch the eye makeup, the sensitive skin will only make you feel more self conscious. Try blushers and lipstick/balms for a pick me up.

There 's been lots of advice already about food and exercise - it's one of the best ways to begin feeling better about yourself long term, for your own sanity. Can you wear nail varnish or modify existing clothes, get creative,try accessorising different tops with different belts / hats / scarves / jewellery to help you get out of this rut without spending tons? If you have friends in a similar position, you could get together and do swaps of nail varnish / jewellery / clothes / shoes to "shop" without spending money. It's something a friend and I do and it really helps us stop clothes shopping so much.

at the poster who suggested eating lentils etc anyway! There are websites out there with IBS specific recipes. My mum has IBS and I would never suggest eating something because it is cheap, but it will make her uncomfortable for a couple of days! IBS is not something to just dismiss!!

This is just one recipe website:

www.endibsnaturally.com/recipes/

I would recommend taking time out for yourself each day - even if it's only 10 minutes, and even if it makes you feel guilty initially - and not necessarily to groom yourself, but just to sit - think - read a book - light a candle - watch a tv show that makes you happy - sit in the garden - watch the birds - listen to the radio - anything that you like to do to make you feel happier inside. :) That will count for way more than putting on lipstick or plucking eyebrows... trust me!

bluesbaby, what a lovely post, thank you

Last night I went through my wardrobe and discovered everything I own is black, grey or white Very sombre. Will keep an eye open in charity shops for something colourful ..

Thanks for the tips about cutting my hair, I might give that a go - very carefully! Today I tried putting it up, ended up with about 20 pins and it still all came down gradually. There must be a knack to it that I haven't got!

I would never try eating lentils or similar, recently I bought a cabbage because it was cheap and ate some, I felt very ill afterwards for a few days. Likewise I've tried broccoli and it has the same effect. It's just not worth it.

Thanks for the link to the IBS recipe site, I'll have a look now

You should definitely try the soft, large hair rollers (£1 at poun shops!) , they give volume and reduce frizz.
Sorry but you can spend the same money and eat healthier food; to me it sounds like you do not cook. Convenient food is unhealthy!

Ima, have you looked into the 5:2 way of eating? Your description of what's problematic for you made me think it would possibly be worth thinking about.

It's a way of eating where you only eat 500 calories on 2 days of the week, and then eat normally the other 5 days. I've been doing it for around 18 months and it's completely fixed my IBS which had been awful previously. I was seeing a consultant and taking daily medicine, but twice weekly fasts have really fixed it.

Added bonuses are that of course it's cheaper to eat much less a couple of times a week. I have all my 500 calories as an evening meal on a fast day, something like poached eggs on toast, or fish and veg. And you can lose quite a bit of weight of course, normally 1-2 lbs a week to start with.

There's a 5:2 forum on MN which might be worth a look. The main thread is very supportive and there are some great recipe ideas.

No idea re hair. I use straighteners daily but have quite short hair so it doesn't seem to cause damage to the hair.

Hope you feel better about things soon

OP, it might be worth reading these as it really helps with IBS.

www.lowfodmap.com/fodmaps-explained/

www.ibsdiets.org/fodmap-diet/fodmap-food-list/

This helped me enormously. Not only did my IBS vanish but I dropped weight, my skin looked better and I felt a million times better too.

Good luck!

An old thread but might have something that makes you feel a bit better. To fit in with what bluesbaby said about time for yourself.

Mumsy, I have cooked for my family nearly every day until recently, but have been feeling down, stressed and tired. I've given myself a kick up the bum with the help of people here and am back to cooking from scratch.

Good for you Imalost

There have been some great ideas on this thread.

I can only add to be mindful of your posture and stride, walk around as if you own the world for two weeks.

I sincerely hope that next year brings good things for you and your family.

Thank you Luann The new year must be better! Dh has started his new job today and is feeling very positive, so that's a start

I read your op, and it all sounds so overwhelming, I hope things change, but they won't change on their own. I think you know that and I think you've been given such kind advice on here.

Does your teen have an interest in cooking and being healthy? Can you sit down with them and meal plan? Use all the free apps and websites you can. It could be fun, if you make it so.( honestly) you're so lucky to have a dog to get you out- could you and your teen and / or DH go for a walk after dinner as well? Just 20 mins chatting and a bit of mind clearing? As well as the day!

You could join the low carb boot camp on here run by BIWI and get massive daily support.

Drinking water- why can't you drink it on winter with ice and a slice? Bung in a straw too. Aim for 2 litres a day and keep going.

Late nights don't help- are you watching TV? Do you lie awake and worry otherwise? read a book, research cheap and free things to do as family, make lists, no tv, chat to your dh about life and hopes and dreams, chat to your teen about theirs. Play scrabble and have a laugh. Have a family meeting and agree what you want to change and do it so it's becomes the norm.

Small changes though. and get it on a calendar and tick it off. Maybe your teen and dh could join in. You all support each other ( although you have mn also:)

Thanks Lavender

Unfortunately dd has no interest in cooking or being healthy Nor does dh, so no help with meal planning at all.

Yes, I love walking my dog and do try to get out every day, again I struggle to get dd to go with me, but dh will usually accompany me if he's around.

Hopefully the late nights will improve now we are both having to get up early for school/work. We have been watching TV quite late. If I go to bed I tend to lie there worrying and doing sums in my head.

Feeling much more positive today, I weighed myself this morning and have lost 5 lbs over the last 6 days