Crepeys are an August bunch

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Here ya go...

I think I should go to the first one not least because otherwise I shall get really really cross with them and say things like WHY didn't you ask about X rather than Y? Also my dad is now so damn deaf he won't hear what the specialists say. And my mum is at the best of times hopeless on getting clear answers, she just nods in an 'I knew that already' way - she is not good on admitting to ignorance.

I am sure you know this already, MI, but sitting down and writing a list of questions is helpful. I found that I would always come out not having asked everything. If you aren't able to go with DM suggest some questions for her.

Rose, safe journey back. It is warmer today, by the way, 19/20 up here in the frozen north.

Hatty, how about afternoon tea at Betty's for your DPs. As well as the shops and cafés in the towns, they have a café at Harlow Carr (RHS), and it might not be too difficult for your DM, ie park straight outside and go in.

I agree, go to the first one with prepared questions. When my father was told his illness was terminal, neither he nor my mother took it in or wanted to believe it. The consultant was spelling it out as plainly as he could, and my father was sitting there saying "So now you've reduced the calcium levels in my blood, I'll be OK and can go home, and I just come back to get the levels checked every so often?" He just didn't hear the word "terminal" and "palliative care" or "hospice" and it made it all so difficult.

Whoever has a brush with cancer, whether as a patient or with a loved one, it's very personal and no one experience dictates how anyone should feel. I had a massive amount of practical help offered to me...meals cooked, kids taken care of, offers to drive me here and there. What I really needed was someone to hold my hand, actually. That was the one thing that people found more difficult, I think. Do some handholding, MI if and when she'll let you. But there's no one size fits all is there? I liked being on my own with my doctors....it was easier to develop a relationship with them and talk freely. When DH or DParents were in the appointments, I tried to shield them from the raw facts and it was too stressful, taking care of their needs IYSWIM. And remember, it doesn't mean it's necessarily the end of everything xxx

Rosebag sensible advice. My friend (who died from breast cancer) did all her appointments alone because she knew her DH wouldn't cope with it, it allowed her to drip feed the info to him. I probably knew more of the reality at times than he did.
Everyone deals with these things differently - and we all need to play to our strengths....

Oh MI I'm so very very sorry.

Oh how horrible MI. I have no advice other than that already given, and would probably collapse in a quivering wreck inside while pretending all was fine on the outside, which is exactly what not to do.

In the meantime, .

In other, more frivolous news, for those amazed/horrified/fascinated by the whole prom phenomenon, my friend has made a telly programme about it - on itv tonight at nine. I know, itv. Sorry.

Herbs, I just thought "how unusual for itv to be taking about the proms, I thought it was bbc only" then I realised what you meant ......

I am soooooooo out of touch.

I'm watching in

Dh is over the DB6 Aston Martin

We had a school dance in 1984 which involved some shuffling in my dmums taffeta skirt with spotty yoofs from the boys public school up the road .
It was excruciating. My how things have changed

The two places in London I found very helpful when my Dad had cancer were:

Centre, next to Charing Cross Hospital in Hammersmith

Centre in Battersea

Both have massive libraries where you can look stuff up, even the more technical stuff. Both are drop-in, so you can just shoot over if you're feeling desperate. Also very knowledgeable staff. I was a regular at both, mainly Paul's, though.

Sorry, link fail - their names are Maggie's Centre and Paul's Centre respectively.

Happily there was no prom thing at dd's school. I'm afraid the stories of proms at other local schools sounded

DD1 has just messaged me wailing that her French homework was really hard and all in French. What was it? Reading comprehension.

I would have stabbed DH if he had come to the hospital with me. In his view malignant melanoma is no more than a warty thing to be cut out. He is still no better - asked me if I was having genetic counselling "for my eczema".

Holy Moses mrs S. Not helpful, but I can relate. Dh thinks he will live forever and had no idea why I moaned about hospital outpatient clinics. That was until he was forced to sit with me in an overcrowded, hot, dermatology waiting room for 3 hours when I was in a wheelchair after my op. That learned him. He went on about the NHS for months after that, but I still got little sympathy.
For you

God Mrs S - I sometimes think men have no clue.

Your DD should ace her French though.

MI - I am one of the happy few whom so far, have been untouched by cancer. This is why I have no useful advice to give other than virtual hand holding. My thoughts are with you though.

NU - Betty's for normal parents would be a lovely idea. My mother refuses to go on the grounds it is full of old ladies. Serious denial going on here.

MrsS, WTF?

Thank you all. If I am honest, it's the hand-holding that for various reasons I'm not good at, with my mum. The fact-finding, bloody good at.

(On another note, did you get an email from me, NU?)

Right, I have to do an interview with a friend's husband, which I secured by the simple method of emailing her saying 'I need a man, can I borrow yours?' Lovely bloke. His wife is a journalist (and a MNer) so he is used to this level of exploitation .

MrsS, I would say that is unbelievable, but sadly I know that it is all too true.

I am having a breather after having been helping DD to paint DGS's bedroom walls - we'll be having a break until we can start the second coat.

Off to my beauty therapist later for a pedicure - no thick socks in California or Arizona.

A couple of links which might help with gifts for an 80-year-old:

www.presentindicative.com/

www.iwmshop.org.uk/index.html?action=search&searchtype=catID&quicksearch=1440&p_start=12&sortType=0&imageType=1&submit=erm

I'm another who has virtually no experience of cancer and/or ailing parents, but it will come to me, as it will come to all of us eventually. There's no right or wrong way to deal with these things, but I guess we all get through somehow. MI - I would be like you - would want answers.

I collected the DDs last night, meeting DM on the South Bank for the handover. They then decided they quite fancied tea in Yo Sushi; the three of us left an hour later, £66 lighter. They just kept grabbing those lovely coloured dishes.....

Great links, Molly. Three out of my four parents have milestone birthdays in the next nine months, and present-buying for them is taxing at the best of times. DM and DSDad have suggested charity donations, but I can't quite leave it at that. DDad really does have everything.

Thanks for present links Molly. CV I've been looking at Oxfam Unwrapped for Dad. I think a couple of goats might appeal to him.

MI, great advice above. I would also want to go to the first appointment so at least I had some idea of what we were dealing with.

OAP birthdays/Christmas are a bit tricky - charity donations + nice photos of family sounds perfect!

ARGH. Talked to my mum, who is sounding in remarkably good form and much less shaky; no update yet. They'll 'have a meeting' later this week, the specialists, and then inform her by phone call on Friday. She does have the support of what sounds like a splendid GP, who has survived breast cancer herself; and the really good thing is that at the moment they think the cancer hasn't spread.

You have to hand it to my mum - she's trying to persuade my dad that they should just bog off for a few days next week.

We'll go and see them on Sunday [heavy sigh].

MI - that sounds hopeful about the cancer and great that your mum has a sympathetic GP. Your mum sounds a strong, courageous lady.

That's good MI - she sounds on good form, considering.

Herbs, just saw this - would it be your local?!

I am hoping we have thought of everything for tomorrow night - my big birthday bash. BFF arriving soon