La Vie en Crepe

[motherinferior]

And a new door opens...

Oh my love.

Just a quick aside to Wilbur - that is utterly tragic, how dreadful.

Back to Stropps.

Stropps, yes, you may need the meds. But also, if you are mad and bad then frankly so am I and, I'd bet the farm (complete with llama park and rare animal enclosure) are half the other people on this thread. You want kids who just want to watch telly? Mine wanted to watch frigging telly all frigging effing blinding holiday; I wanted to kill them. You want work that nobody wants to buy? Same - and grindingly, horribly so - for lots of us, it's not just you it is the times we live in.

If my partner was utterly hopeless around the house, and indeed if I did anything at bloody all about the cats and garden (and our garden is miniscule) I would go under. When I posted a couple of weeks ago when DP was away I was a trembly weepy wreck and I've had other times in the past couple of months which I've not madly shared on here when I really thought I was going bonkers.

Come to Sarf Lunnon and let us feed you Prosecco and just escape it all soon?

BTW that wasn't to normalise how you are feeling or suggest you need to pull your socks up or anything - I agree the meds are almost certainly a Good Thing in this context - but also to say that the circumstances in which you find yourself are exacerbating the way you feel.

I'm really sorry about posting and very embarrassed. Thank you all for being kind. Dh has been very kind and just sort of takes it, but I think he doesn't know what to do either. He wanted me to come off the medication because he doesn't approve of it, but I think now he feels differently. I just can't get my head around the idea of how little control I have over things. I mean, I wake up after 2 hours asleep and my heart is pounding and I can't breathe. I'm not thinking about anything specifically and I can't have been working myself up consciously because I've just been asleep. The only stuff I've read about anxiety tends to imply that you can control it by thinking positive and facing your fears yadda yadda. I can't control this - it happens when I'm asleep - and then I wake up and my whole world is crashing down on me. What is that about? What kind of evil, unhelpful chemical crap is going on?

I'm only on an extremely low dose of meds anyway because I insisted on reducing it down as far as poss a couple of years ago. I have now halved the low dose, so am taking a titchy spoon of medicine instead of a tablet, but this has clearly let the genie out of the bottle. Will take a tablet again tonight and make a dr's appointment to get some more. Bum.

If I go for counselling, they'll just tell me to think positive and go down the job centre. Which is probably what I should do. Except that I have no clue how I would hold down a "normal" job, even if I got one. Which is a bit unlikely.

MI well said - and true.

(Wilbur how heartbreaking)

Frankly, DH can (a) sod off (b) start fucking pulling his weight (c) sod off, as far as his disapproval is concerned

And no, counselling won't do that. Not good counselling. A really good therapist will much more probably start unpicking and investigating the stuff that makes you feel like this.

FWIW I have come to the conclusion that my very lovely sister probably needs meds pretty well long-term at the moment, from how she has felt when on and not on them...

Stropps agree with MI - sod DH and his disapproval - he isn't you. You have to do what's right for you. And it's one step at a time...

Oh, Stropps, so sorry to hear that you're feeling awful. I think the thing is that we see other people and think they have perfect lives, but that's so rarely the case. Perfect lives, perfect children, perfect jobs. Life isn't like that for most of us, but we're pressured into thinking that it should be. Take care of yourself and go and see your doctor again.

Wilbur for your friend. I can't think of anything worse than losing a child or grandchild.

Stropp's - most important to keep posting and use us as a venting system. Do not consider yourself a failure because your kids lie on the sofa and watch telly. That is normal teenage behaviour. It does sound as if you're feeling much worse since you diminished your med's.

Stropps - agree with everyone - keep posting, do think about your own needs and try not to worry too much about what really is normal teenage behaviour.

So sorry, Wilbur, how sad.

Please hang onto the realisation (because god knows I - and I don't think I'm the only Crepey - have to) that not having fabulous, brilliant and fulfilling work all the time at the moment is really not because of you. It is because we are in the middle of the worst recession since god knows when, and also work in a dying industry. Really.

If DP had not landed a job that pays rather well, I have absolutely no idea how I would be surviving at the moment.

Stropps, I agree with everyone else. Go back to your GP, consider upping the meds even just in the short term while you consider other options. Please don't be hard on yourself - you wouldn't expect to control the pain in a broken finger by thinking positive thoughts, just like that.

Just seen this, Stropps. Think everyone has given you excellent (and eloquent) advice. Do you think the pessimism about counselling may be part of the anxiety and negative thinking? Hope GP will be helpful and you get some relief from your symptoms soon.

I can't say I've found that having regular work is all that protective against spiralling negative thoughts, once they get a grip. Can you try to treat them like an ear worm until you can get some help? Sending you calming vibes.

Wilbur, sorry to hear about your friend's grandson. I dread the day when things start happening to DD that I can't kiss and hug better. Seeing her lose a child would be just unbearable .

Stropps, do not be embarrassed/feel you are failing by taking meds. You need them in the same way that others need HBP meds, etc, etc. And I had many mad screeching moments before I got onto the HRT. Ask DH and the DC. Will PM you!

Wilbur, so sorry to hear your news too.

Oh stropps I am so so sorry you are feeling like this. I am not going to do comparative depression but I have felt like this too. You are absolutely right that there is no way to contol those feelings, that sense of spiralling downwards , the overwhelming nature of propping everyone else up,
And the sense of lost ambition and dreams.
Counselling is worth it. Partly because it's about offloading frustration onto someone else who has no reliance on you / will not take offence. Secondly it's about time to focus on you. These kind of feelings make you you feel as if you have become invisible, uncared for ignored( all the not good enough stuff you mention) Lastly it's about finding and exploring coping strategies when things go Pete tong. It made me break free from the negative chatter in my head and work out a way of being when all around are screeching And putting their own needs before yours.
You are sleep deprived too you poor woman. It is a rare human being who can function on 2 hrs sleep. You will need to get meds to help with that. I'd say that's a major priority. Propranolol rather than something drastic.
Wilbur is absolutely spot on about saying if it was a chronic illness like diabetes you wouldn't even think twice. Tell the gp you are frankly going up the walls. You're out of whack and need rebalancing- like a cake with no sugar.
Please don't be embarrassed . It is not embarrassing to be unwell and unappreciated. It's horrid and undermining and exhausting.
Please pm me if I can help in any way. I wish you immense strength and a huge big hug.

Wilbur, sorry that I didn't comment earlier about your friend's loss. We have just been to the funeral of a 23 yo youngster; his second heart transplant failed after several years. His parents lost their youngest son a couple of years ago - I just cannot imagine the grief that they must be feeling - I think the loss of a child must be the worst kind of grief, tbh. I am sure your friend will appreciate that you are thinking about her.

Thank you, thank you, thank you - I'm not a big RL hugger but I would give you ALL a big hug now if I could. Your support and advice is invaluable. I very much appreciate that some of you have shared with me that you too have had times like this and yes, maybe you're right and I should try and find a counsellor - although sometimes this is easier said than done. I know my GP will be a bit "I told you so" when I go back and ask for a new prescription, but - looking on the bright side - it's not as though I will have to convince him of anything.

Crem, Auriga, MI, Wilbur - and Dukes, I know you're out there! - everyone, thank you.

I'm sticking to the chamomile tea tonight and yes, I'll take my pill and give up on the idea of giving up for a while. I feel a lot less bonkers tonight, but I do seem to have developed a headache about 5 sizes bigger than my head.

Strops, you poor love. I can't add to the excellent advice you've already been given, but I'm sending you positive vibes, and hope you find your equilibrium soon.

Strops - I don't do hugs either, so I offer you a manly pat on the back, and agree with what everyone else says. Take the meds for now, if they help, and see if you can find a good counsellor.

Wilbur, how awful for your friend.

I went out with my cousins tonight. We worked out that the last time we were all sitting round a table together, we were 10, 12 and 13. Now we are 48, 51 and 52, but apart from that, not much had changed. It was very sad to be in my uncle and aunt's lovely home, and to know that all of the stuff in it - the stuff that made it a home - will be got rid of, and the house sold. We are all worried about the cats, and what will become of them - if any of you know someone who might like a lovely pair of tabbies, please let me know.

I do hugs, but only to good causes, so have one from me too. Sorry I have nothing useful to add, but can merely agree with everyone else that admitting there's a problem is not a weakness, but a strength. And that if there's some chemical shizzle going wrong in the brain, it needs sorting, just as a thyroid needs rebalancing, or a boil lancing.

I don't have a proper job, either, and no prospect of one. But that doesn't make me, or you, or MI, or any of the other crepeys failures. Compared to whom, anyway? Eh?

Stropps, how are you today?

I am caught between a recalcitrant designer and a demanding publisher today. I want to run away and hide....

MrsS, word has been put out about tabbies and I will renew calls.

Wearing my new M&S perfume this morning. Don't think I like it. Like most perfumes, it's gone a bit rank on me...

Hope you're feeling a bit better today, Stropps?

I had a reasonable menopause, apart from the fact that dr gave me HRT for my tiredness and generally feeling off. Didn't make any difference and that's when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism which I had obviously had for years.

So I suppose I am saying don't assume your symptoms are the menopause and don't let the dr assume that either (tho' they probably are).

My comment about the menopause was just a general one after Rudy's eight am call, not aimed at anyone in particular.

Another really dull day here.