Okay, today I am wearing a black jersey midi dress (£5 from Tesco) with a pink jersey top over (£3.50 Primark), and the lobelia jersey cardigan (£3.50o charity shop) and grey tights (wish I had a different colour). And pink glittery hair clips. Vivid and bright, a bit in your face.
And my daughter looked at me this morning and said matter-of-factly, 'Mummy looks pretty.'
This has had such an impact on me, emotionally. I spent so long feeling like I had to wear 'safe' colours, that were a bit muted, a bit washed out, and a bit invisible, and feeling like that was the only way to look good was to not really stand out. AND I could never really tell when people looked at me or my outfit whether they thought I looked good or weird (because I was getting the colours wrong). AND I thought paying too much attention to the way I looked was vain so avoided all this for years.
But now I am wearing clothes that show me off. I am wearing bright colours that can't be avoided, and shapes that show off my body (a bit) and this is actually SAFER than wearing clothes that hide me. Safer because they will more reliably make me look good. And this feels important because it means it is safe to be me. It is safe to have an identity that is unique and visible and stands out, because that is just me.
I hope that doesn't sound too deep, but it has really affected me very deeply. I keep thinking about loads of stuff to do with womanhood, motherhood, beauty, caring for myself and the family, why caring for myself suddenly means trying to be pretty, and why even though I tried not to care about that for so long it was really because I thought I never could be pretty and I placed so much value on my career...on and on. Some of this stuff comes naturally to people but it REALLY doesn't to me, so this is a huge thing that it taking its time to work itself out. I won't bore you any more. Thank you for listening. 