Dh says I look frumpy others say classy and we'll put together. Help.

[lupo]

Just after an opinion. I like the way I dress, have a nice capsule wardrobe , am a reg lurker here. I am not a jeans and converse type of girl , which dh seems to prefer.

For example, last week I wore the grey Janice phase eight dress, tights, knee high brown boots and tan leather jacket. Dh said it was frumpy and I would be better in jeans. I like casual day dresses, have another phase eight Elsie dress , still on web, which I thought was flattering and with a cardigan and pointed heels. At work I wear ted baker jumpers, pencil skirts, jumper dresses etc. last year I saved up and bought the lovely navy wool Hobbs kasia pea coat and can't wait to wear it

Women at work will often say I look nice, my colour palette is navy, grey, black, deep purple sometimes. I have no intention of changing my wardrobe but just wondered if it did sound frumpy. As I said, lots of compliments from other women, just not from dh. What do you think. I am 38, size 10 to 12.

Thanks

OP, one day my ex husband started to criticise the way I dress, my hair style (which he was loved) and even the shape of my calf (he suggested that I went to the gym 7 days a week instead of 6, and suggested that I should wear weights around my uncles to and from and during work, to fix my 'thin' calf.
I used to use a VERY BASIC make up to work, and he would say I looked like a clown. Also started to criticise my nails shape and the nails varnish colours I was choosing.

I had to have a pixie hair cut (had my hair in the middle of my back), I had to let him pick the clothes I would have to wear when going out with him and let her chose the clothes I would buy. I had to try them on and see if he approved them or not.

Turned out he was in love with somebody else (with a pixie hair style hahaha), and he dumped me out of the blue to be with her.

Obviously I am not saying your husband will that to you, but don't you ever go changing for somebody else.

Know who you are and be yourself.

Hop one that sounds horrible. Must have been awful for your uncles! too!

Seriously though, what a cad! Hope you are happy now.

I agree about not changing, it never works.

Sorry my last post is full of mistakes.

He suggested weight around my ankles but I didn't do it, it was one step too far for me.

Ignore the other mistakes please and have mercy as I am still learning English.

Hopemore, read my posts, they are littered with mistakes! Mainly typos because of predictive text and typing too quickly!

I was laughing with you about you typing uncles instead of ankles. If English isn't your first language then you put me to shame!

Sound like you went through a horrible time with your ex and it is lovely that you can post support to another poster. Xxx

OP, I'm 35. Similar height dark hair etc.

I wouldn't wear jeans, converse and hoodies ever. Not even on down days.
Nor would I wear your clothing TBH.
I think you may look a little old before your time.
Those clothes seem to be suited to someone 15-20 years older than we are.

You can be smart and comfortable without looking like lamb dressed as mutton. Those dresses and boots are very, meh.

Sorry but I think your DH has a point. (But he should also lose the stripy polo shirts, they are not a good look on anyone beyond the age of 3 and a half !)

Your style doesn't really sound like my style, each to their own and all that, but your DH loses any right to have an opinion on anything aesthetic if he wears polo shirts!

My dh doesn't really like the way I dress either op so you are not alone. He liked the way I dressed when we first met-very short skirts,low cut tops etc but that was 20 years and 3 dress sizes ago!

Now as suggested by my user name I wear a vintage/retro/rockabilly style. Although I know dh likes the femininity of it-petticoats,stockings etc-I think he some times finds it a bit much.

But given he spends his entire weekend slobbing about in jogging trousers and superhero t-shirts-I don't listen to his advice on fashion!

I think the actual clothes you are wearing are no ones business but your own, as long as you are not causing offence by having your bits hanging out or are wearing slogans with words or pictures that may cause upset.

The issue is that your husband has gone out of his way to put you down. Even if he thinks he is joking or even being helpful, his comments are negative and not very kind.

Jut as you are going out the door is not the time to ask if you are dressed to go to a wedding. That is more than just being insensitive, that is downright rude and even a complete oaf would realise that you would be upset and dwell on it to the point of it possibly spoiling your outing.

He doesn't woke as a stylist so cannot even claim to use his professional qualities as a justification to say what he is saying.

Ultimately, he is saying things to make you feel bad about yourself and that is what needs to be tackled, not what you are wearing.

If it's just for meals out etc, it sounds like he just feels a bit shown up when he has only got a slightly smarter than usual polo shirt to wear.

This is his problem.

When I go out with my DH he basically wears jeans and a shirt/jumper. I wear dresses because otherwise I'd never get to wear them at all. If he moaned I would have words!

Methinks you need to be on the relationships board. This is not a style and beauty issue.

FWIW I think you sound like you look fantastic - chic and elegant. But like I said, that's not really the point.

I've googled the phase eight dresses & I would look frumpy in them but that's not you say you do. I'm 40 & wouldn't shop in phase eight.

Those dresses are lovely. I'm 27 and I'd wear them! I bet you look great in them.

I've never been a jeans and Converse type - I have an hourglass figure and prefer the way it looks in dresses. I'd team either of those dresses with lace up wedge ankle boots and a chunky, outsize necklace in tortoiseshell or something similar. Miuccia Prada is my style icon - she knows how to do elegant while throwing in a touch of freaky or eccentric to make it interesting!

Is she or isn't she frumpy isn't the issue. If we polled a hundred people we would get diverse comments about her clothing ranging from frumpy to trendy and everything in between, such is the subjective nature of clothing and personal style.

The husband thinks it's ok to make these remarks to his wife because for whatever reason he doesn't feel secure in how she looks. Possibly because he is worried she is a fantastic catch for someone who unlike him is rather more fashionable, or he is trying to bring her down because he has some ideal of what a woman should look like and quite frankly he sounds quite rude and cruel.

Lupo, it sounds like your style is conservative and classic (what I consider a bit dull TBH, sorry) and if you're happy with what you wear that's all that matters. However, you are only 38, which IMO too young to be dressing quite so safe. I would not call it frumpy though. If anything it's your DH who dresses frumpily.

Having googled the clothes I agree with your DH tbh.
You sound as if you are too formal.
I am 10 years older than you and would wear those clothes on occasions where I had formal meetings and appointments.
They certainly wouldn't be my everyday wear. I would wear the Elsie dress to a funeral if I wasn't expected to wear blac.

If you want to dress like my mother it's up to you.

I think perhaps OP's DH doesn't really know what "frumpy" means.
My DH once said he liked a particular photo of me because it made me look "mumsy."

Turned out he liked the way I was posing with the 3 DCs with my arms around them all. He sort of meant maternal / protective but it came out wrong (apparently). I never let him forget that!!!!

Formal is a good description flipchart

I really elate to the OP, it's quite hard to be casual and relaxed when your style is conservative and classic. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we can dress down whilst staying neat?

I am a lot older than the op and I wouldn't wesr the same clothes as they are not my style. The point is that there are ways and means to talk about your partners appearance and just after the op has got ready to go out and they are about to leave, he chimes in with a rude remark.

Why not surprise her by getting a babysitter one weekend and taking her out to lunch and going shopping with her and looking at clothes together, a far nicer way of suggesting a different look if he is that opposed to how she dresses.

But he isn't out to change her clothing, it sounds more like he is trying to make her feel bad about herself, most probably because he has some kind of issue and we all know how easy it is to take our bad feeling out on the ones we love.

Some of the comments here about DH and his comments are verging on LTB!!!

DH will say things to me like ' What the fuck have you done to your hair Shirley temple' when I attempted to curl it.
I have said things back equally ridiculous.

I have put on outfits that in a certain light have made me think I would give Kate Moss a run for her money only to have DH stare at me in disbelief. (Quite rightly when I have seen photos!!)

If your partner can't be honest and say what they are thinking who can?

I have friends, people on talkboards and my own insecurities for brutally honest style assessments. What I want from my boyfriend is to be told I am the sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world. And for him to truly, sincerely mean it :)

Oh what nonsense fipchart , anyone with sense would realise the issue isn't her clothes when her style hasn't changed and her dh isn't cutting edge youth fashion himself.

Whether your Mum wears stuff like that is irrelevant...my 65 yrold mum wears skinny jeans and trainers, as for a dress for a funeral...what an awful thing to say. Any simple dress could be styled with courts/smart coat to wear to a funeral, as it equally could be put with biker boots etc for a casual weekend look.

I have just been thinking about this and if I was wearing some of the clothes you were wearing round the house in the evening after work I just wouldn't be able to relax at all.
I would feel like I was about to take some minutes or start a new case load or something.
Maybe your DH feels that you are too formally dressed in your down time that he feels uneasy and not completely relaxed.
It would be the same if DH came home and kept his suit and tie on all evening when he wasn't going out again.

Sounds like you dress well but maybe you need to add a few more pieces with a bit of edge! After all you have not yet reached 40 phase 8 and hobbs are def more classic workwear. Have you tried the NW3 range in hobbs? The grey boots with skinny jeans and some kind of smart blouse/top with some statement jewellery may be nice for a change?

This is probably all going nowhere. They have been together a long while and she isn't going to change her style and he isn't going to change in the way he chooses to make unhelpful comments at inappropriate times.

The best the op can do is laugh at his stupid remarks and either shrug them off and carry on looking as she does and feeling great or think of a few choice replies to shut him up.

Him, "you look like you are going to a wedding, 'snigger'".

A. Op, "thank you, I'm glad you appreciate the effort I make to look nice", smile sweetly and off you go.

B. Op, "Thank you, I love my outfit. Now what about you? Are you going to get changed into something nice, I'll wait in the car", smile sweetly and off you go.

C. OP, "Thank you. I wasn't sure what to wear and on this occasion think I will just have to wear this outfit. But I am glad you mentioned it because I have been looking at my clothes and think I need some new pieces. I'm going to withdraw £x,xxx.xx from our joint bank account and have a shopping splurge on Saturday. You don't mind looking after the kids, I'll be out all day." smile sweetly and off you go.

No need to be arsey defineme I was asked my opinion like everyone else.