Dh says I look frumpy others say classy and we'll put together. Help.

[lupo]

Just after an opinion. I like the way I dress, have a nice capsule wardrobe , am a reg lurker here. I am not a jeans and converse type of girl , which dh seems to prefer.

For example, last week I wore the grey Janice phase eight dress, tights, knee high brown boots and tan leather jacket. Dh said it was frumpy and I would be better in jeans. I like casual day dresses, have another phase eight Elsie dress , still on web, which I thought was flattering and with a cardigan and pointed heels. At work I wear ted baker jumpers, pencil skirts, jumper dresses etc. last year I saved up and bought the lovely navy wool Hobbs kasia pea coat and can't wait to wear it

Women at work will often say I look nice, my colour palette is navy, grey, black, deep purple sometimes. I have no intention of changing my wardrobe but just wondered if it did sound frumpy. As I said, lots of compliments from other women, just not from dh. What do you think. I am 38, size 10 to 12.

Thanks

I would only jazz up/experiment with your wardrobe if you fancy trying it and in a way you feel comfortable with. It's horrible wearing something because you think you should be, and feeling awkward and not yourself.

I'm petite with size 4 feet and love chunky clompy biker boots! But that's not the point. If your DH likes you in more casual stuff that's fair enough, but he's totally out of order to be criticising your clothes and using words like frumpy. He should be complimenting you when you do look nice (to him) and shutting up or at least being kinder about it if he doesn't like something.

FWIW, I think those boots would probably go with the rest of your wardrobe so buy them. I too am petite with size 4 feet and I totally get what you mean about biker boots being too chunky for you: they feel like I have huge elephant sized feet. But you can buy biker style boots that are narrower and that look smaller.

Your style sounds great by the way. I would love to be put together as well as you. Funnily enough, sometimes my DP and I look like we are going to two different events because he is is ultra casual and I am not.

what does your DH wear?

What sort of clothes, what brands/makes?

How does he look in general?

just asking in case he dresses like Russell Howard (stripy kids t-shirts and jeans and trainer) or Boden man (red or mustard trousers, wool v-neck and a comb-over) or leisure-man (shorts and crocs) , in which case he can f$ck right off

A tricky area. Much as we can all call out "sexist pig" on your DH, there's always a bit of give and take and pleasing the other in a relationship.

I generally like what my DH wears, but some things I don't like. And I let him know. I've even completely "banned" some things - I remember a particularly nasty yellow checked shirt which, for some reason, he liked.

I know he likes me in some things and not others. I know this because he will compliment me when I wear things he likes but will probably say nothing when I wear something he doesn't. Soemtimes I care what he thinks, sometimes I don't.

(I only recall him once being negative. I had a beige dress which I thought was classic and elegant and, after I'd worn it a few times, he said "That dress looks like a sack on you". I was but on refelection decided he was right.)

There is nothing wrong with your style as ITS YOURS. You favour classic cuts, tailored garments and neutral colours and many many people love that. Your DH means that you don't dress for him/men in general which is true of any stylish woman in my view! I think its great that you have such a strong sense of self.

I am an accessories queen and go from elegant (i.e. midi length pencil skirt and silk blouse) to funky (i.e. biker, skinny jeans, ash trainers) to dressing like a demented six year old (i.e. hightops with batman on them, t-shirt with Labyrinth film scene on it, flump earrings) depending on where I am. and I love it all!

I do really hate the boots though - sorry! But again, I own shoes with superheros on them so am perhaps not the target demographic

Has he always said this about your clothes / style?

If not, what's got into him now? Expressing a preference for a particular outfit is fine, even pointing out clothes he thinks you'd look good in but it's quite rude just to tell you he thinks you look frumpy.

I love the grey Mercy boots. FWIW I'd wear them with skinny jeans or a breton-stripe dress with leggings (a huge Mumsnet faux pas...), and my black leather biker jacket.

Gingerstuff it's very interesting to read your post...I wouldn't wear chartreuse or shocking pink if you gave me a thousand pounds - they'd just look plain wrong on me, and probably a bit cheap! I know they'd look fantastic on some people though. I'm just the sort of person who looks waaaay better in natural colours such as greys, beiges, navy etc. In fact, 80% of my wardrobe is those colours....I do buy prints and patterns, but they tend to be in greys, beiges, navy etc...;)

OP have you considered getting your colours done? I've never done it, but people on here are evangelical about it - might be worth a try. TBH I reckon if you feel you know what suits you then you're sorted, but if you're unsure then maybe give it a go?

And lastly, have you tried the John Lewis Weekend collection for slightly more casual clothing in your preferred styles and colours? Lots of nice cashmere and merino, jersey dresses and soft cords there at the mo, in lovely understated colours.

Oh and I like the sound of your clothes. Love neutral colours and classic styles and dresses with boots. I'm not a great fan of directional fashion but I do wear the jeans and converse thing.

I'm a bit at people suggesting that the OP alter her style just because her DH thinks she should.

It isn't as if he is taking her out somewhere smart and she is wearing jeans with her arse hanging out or a skirt that lets everyone know where she buys her underwear.

OP your style sounds great. I do wear jeans and converse, and jeans and boots, and dresses with boots or brogues - whatever I fancy basically. I dress like you are describing at the weekends, more jeans etc during the week because I've got a toddler and find them more practical.

I think this is probably more about him realising that he should probably smarten up. I can't stand that scruffy student look on blokes once they are in their late 30s/40s, most of them just look like ageing twits trying to avoid the inevitable.
You looking as put together and elegant as you do shows him in an unfavourable light and he'd rather make you feel self-conscious and change your style than be bothered to make an effort - maybe a grain of truth in there?

alibaba, yes we need to know how DH looks.

I think this is quite unusual op. If you haven't made any major changes to your look recently, then why is your dh saying you look frumpy now?

Aside from the fact that's very rude (I tend to tell dh he looks lovely in the stuff I do like rather than critisize stuff I don't like), do you think he's having a midlife crisis type worry?

Does he feel he is getting old, or is he in skinny jeans with a quiff like the 18 yrolds and feels you should be too?

I think you must dress for you and you sound very thoughtful and happy with your look (I tend to dress in my very young dressing Mum's cast offs so can't comment!). I have a couple of friends who only wear dresses and, like you, they dress them down at weekends with flat boots or converse.

I couldn't ignore this...I would be interrogating dh until he told me exactly what the problem was because I think it's more than you favouring dresses over jeans.

To add more food for thought, might he have a crush on a young hip colleague?

Dh is 6.2 and good look great in smarter stuff but instead wears jeans and stripey polo shirts that make him look like a deck chair. I think Ali and other posters are right when they say maybe I am showing him up. Sometimes, when we get ready to do out he says , 'oh you look smart and now I feel scruffy.' He then follows this up with but 'you look like you are going to a wedding not just a restaurant ' I wouldn't describe him as scruffy but more casual. I always prefer to wear a day dress with nice shoes for a restaurant, not Coast wedding dress! He wears jeans and another bloody polo shirt so not much different from his day casual wear.
To be honest , he would prefer me to wear jeans, tshirt and converse or biker boots for dinner, I would prefer to make a distinction in going to tesco with ds and going out for dinner to a nice restaurant , which only happens on special occasions anyway. Maybe he is just a scruffy oik

None ofd us want to grow up. I suppose he see you looking like a sophisticated, smart lady and he realises that neither of you are going to be teenagers again and perhaps he fancies a rebellion before you both enter dare I say, middle age!

Unfortunately, that rebellion often sees men and women dressing in a desperate attempt to recreate their youth but only serving them to look older or in some cases, ridiculously inappropriate.

The kind of look that is more befitting on a Children's TV presenter!

Maybe a chat about his feelings rather than appearances is on the cards. He may be thinking of ditching the family car and buying a two seater sports car, or something equally frivolous to hang on to youth!

He sounds insecure and you need to get to the bottom of it because whilst constructive comments may be useful, some negative ones can lead to issues developing, hence your asking for opinions/support on here.

No, according to him I have always been a frumpy dresser. When we met I was wearing tight jumper dress and boots , about fifteen years ago. I just think he prefers jeans and tight t shirt on a woman. Some girls can pull this off, I can't, I look like I have been cleaning the kitchen floor when I dress like this. I do have slim jeans that look good, but with a plain tshirt I look like a scruff

I say: Don't take fashion advice from a 40 year old man in a stripy polo!

Have you thought about slim jeans, silk top and a cardi combo? Might combine a bit of everything

It really sounds like he's like you to drop to his level of casual rather than for him to aspire to yours. I'd buy him a casual yet smart shirt for the restaurant nights.

*he'd, not he's

So he met and married you despite him thinking you dressed frumpy and now many years later has the cheek to complain!

We are what we are and changing for other people never works.

This is my personal opinion, some of his male friends or colleagues have got divorced from their wives. Wives who are very much like you, grown up, responsible and classy.

These men now find that single women their own age are not looking for boys and pass these men over, leaving these men to date dolly birds who are impressed with the cash these older guys have.

This is a case of your man loving you the person but wanting you to compete its his mates dolly birds.

I may be completely wrong but I have seen this scenario myself.

I agree that he sounds like a scruffy man being shown up by his beautifully dressed wife. Your description of your day to day outfits sounds lovely.

I don't know what your relationship with your DH is like but in our house, we have a robust, plain speaking kind of marriage, and my DH uttering similar comments, would be told to Fuck off and had the finer points of his sartorial style pulled to pieces.

Frumpy, my arse. I bet you look fantastic.

Is your DH a fahion guru? I'm guessing no. What does he know. Nothing.

He dresses like a deck chair, yet you would never say that to him, neither would I. You and I would either accept it or subtley suggest it's not his best look. Yet he feels free to criticise you. It's more than criticise.

I am appalled that your DH calls you frumpy. I have had plenty of humdingers of rows "words" with DH, he has never called me frumpy boring dull etc, and I know I am at times.

Not that it matters, but I think you sound well thought out and put together. You have your own style.

Thanks all , next time he comments I will tell him that I am not sure I want advice from a 40 year old dressed as a deck chair.