Somebody's given me a dress which nobody in their right mind would wear. Come and point and laugh but also HELP.

[ShowOfHands]

You can point and laugh, it's fine. I did at first. It's the sort of dress that had I spied it in a public place, I'd be looking round for the rest of the Bet Lynch Appreciation Society. It's not that it's animal print. It's not that it's animal print and heavy on the cleavage. It's that it's animal print, heavy on the cleavage and made from the class of shiny polyester which makes naked flames a total no no and increases the chance of stray balloons clinging unbidden to your amble, barely concealed bosom from 'zero' to 'where the fuck did Bet Lynch go to all of a sudden?'

Somebody bought it (not sure entirely what possessed them) but it didn't fit. They gave it to my Mum and suggested she give it to me. My Mum handed it over to me with an apologetic look. I thought her hrt adjustment had gone horribly wrong at first and she'd skinned her cat BUT the thing is, her opening gambit was 'I think you can pull it off actually'.

I have few clothes that fit atm. I've changed shape a lot since having dc2 and do more resistance training than I did, combined with a lot of running. I'm a good size 8 now and my pre-ds small 10s are too big. I have four weddings to go to, crossover of guests high as it's family and/or school friends. I own one dress. And now this dead cat thing. I liked the idea of not wearing the same dress to all of the weddings. So I tried the skinned animal on.

Yes it's shiny, yes it looks like a pagan sacrifice to the God of Skinned Animals, yes Bet Lynch would sell her wig to own it but it is very, very flattering. I have a good figure (it's taken a long time for me to get to a point where I can say that). I have good legs and bum and a nice chest. It highlights the good bits and my post cs stomach which is okay but never, ever going to be perfect is concealed well. And my Mum was saying things about making it boho/African inspired instead of 'do you want pork scratchings with that?'

To be clear, I'm more your patchwork, muddy festival, swishy hippy skirt and home knitted hat type. So can I make this dress something other than what it is because I look okay in it and during the day I could do something with a long, chunky scarf, a cardie and my Dr Marten's and I'd be comfy. But I have to attend a wedding without offending other people, without being asked for a stout and a hotpot and without getting too intimate with some balloons.

So, footwear? Boots maybe? Would that work? I have some nice sort of ethnic earrings, wooden. What about a big necklace? I've seen some that have like a big disc type affair. Could that work?

Is it all pointless?

Dress is here but bear in mind I'm v short and therefore it's over my knee by an inch or two so looks a bit different to that gazelle of a model.

Oh...you're not kidding, even the model looks dire!

Could you dye it to be less animal-y?

Can you dye polyester?

I agree with trills!!! Dye it....dark blue??????

these?

sorry but there's no way you will ever make that look classy. realistically, it was a fiver, you could easily spend triple that on a necklace to go with alone.

I'd have a think about what you can afford to spend on an outfit, give us the budget and we'll see what we can do. Do you have smart shoes already?

I think you'd struggle to dye it.

I think you should give that back to Mariah Carey, she must be missing it from her wardrobe.

Get yourself a sweet tea-dress for the wedding. Us twirly skirts look good in tea dresses.

id shorten it, wear it with leggings and chunky boots, or if the matierial was really horrid, just charity it

I have no money. I do have charity shops nearby though, have beads and stuff, can make jewellery, can knit/crochet/make simple clothes from fabric I have or upcycle charity shop stuff if that's the term.

And I will never look classy. I just don't want to look like, well, like I'm wearing that dress I suppose. But it's really, really flattering. It's just the fabric which is evil heaped on wrong.

Actually, that website has a lot of dresses for £5, you could buy two for a tenner for the upcoming weddings and bin animal print hideousness - you aren't tall, you are looking at cheap material, you can't do cheap material with animal print unless you are 18, 6' tall and size 0 - and even then you will be looking good dispite the dress, not because of it.

Or, do you have any that are too big that you can get altered?

These would match.

Seriously, an hour or two hunting in the charity shops or on EBay would find you something for less than a tenner that would be much less Rovers Return Revenge.

I like it

Can you get a big black shawl to cover it up if you really don't like it?

I have a beautifu,l red, heavy linen, vintage teadress which I bought in a charity shop years ago and I wore it a lot. Bit 50s, crossover bust, massive swirly skirt but it's just too big .

Not wooden earrings, not faux-African if you are white. I think that whole ethnique thing is tricky to pull off anyway but with this dress, borderline racist. (are you white?)

cardigan and flat boots and good jewellery
or not at all

Erm........not quite your style really is it

If it helps at all I have a load of weddings soon ish and I have just won 2 different pretty monsoon weddingy dresses on ebay for the grand old sum of £10 each so you could try ebay, there seem to be loads of weddingy dresses that just go for a £10 opening bid. I actually put in a few bids thinking to check on it later, took ds2 to out of hours, had a spell on the paediatric ward and discovered the next morning that I had 2 dresses on the way! They are both size 10 else I'd offer to share my good fortune as my weddings don't have cross over so I don't need 2 dresses!

showofhands, can you not have the nice red tea dress taken in?

Ah, showy. I love your once yearly foray onto s&b.

I'd go down the tribal look if you want to wear it.
I'll look for linkies. One mo.

WRT the red swirly dress can you get a friend to help you pin it so you can alter it? If you think that might be too much for you, what about asking mumsnet local for someone who can help with dressmaking/alterations?

Christ. I don't know. It would be OK if it was decent fabric I suppose but if it is that awful market stall polyester it would be difficult to make look nice.

I am sure it won't look too crazy as I am assuming you haven't got great big false knockers like that model combined with a push up bra.

Wooden ethnic jewellery won't go really I don't think.

I would wear opaques, ankle boots and a scarf draped round my neck and give that a go. But then opaques and boots isn't really weddingy.

Showy why don't you max out on full english breakfasts, scones jam and cream and nightly doughnits to put weight on to fit into the tea dress again.

Sandals, although they're £27

but colourful might be better

I quite like it as well. I'd wear it to work with a black jacket and black shoes probably, and a black cami thing under it so I wasn't flasing too much breastage.

I'm not exactly chic though, to be fiar.

Showofhands -I will pay you a fiver NOT to wear it.