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Style and beauty

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Original poster

So where is the line between taking a pride in your appearance and being vain?

100 replies

Whelk · 22/08/2010 20:31

I'm just interested in other people's take on this as I had a conversation with a good friend which got me thinking.

I suggested inviting another friend of ours along to a night out we were planning. And my friend said 'oh god, she's so vain'. I was as I have always thought this other friend just took care over her appearance and looked good.

But now I think of it she could be described as vain. Maybe I could too??

So what is it that makes someone vain rather than taking an interest in looking as good as they can?

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 22/08/2010 20:35

It's a continuinuinuinuum

Hopefully · 22/08/2010 20:46

Hmmm.... Maybe being obsessed with your appearance to the detriment of other things?

I would love the time to be vain

Earlybird · 22/08/2010 20:51

No way to say definitively, as it probably varies for each person according to their situation.

If the person spends an inordinate amount of time/money on their appearance, they probably cross the line into vanity.

Also, if looking good at all times (or most of the time) is vital to their self-esteem.

People who can't/don't ever look less than perfect in public could be vain.

As a generalisation, I would say vain people tend toward being shallow and also probably will have more difficulty aging/losing their looks (and figures) than others.

LetThemEatCake · 22/08/2010 22:03

I don't mean to be mean whelk but is it possible that what your friend actually means is "oh no, not here, she's so fab and she makes me feel so fugly?"

Or does your friend bang on about herself and how she stays looking so good a lot?

LetThemEatCake · 22/08/2010 22:03

"not her', not "not here"

sorry

eshermummy · 22/08/2010 22:17

I don't think vanity necessarily has anything to do with how much care you take over your appearance actually but is more about the way in which someone projects themselves or their attitude towards their appearance ifswim.
I would say someone was vain if they were forever checking their reflection or constantly preening/admiring themselves or pouting (Victoria Beckham springs to mind here).
I wouldn't say someone was vain just because they had consistently nice clothes/hair/make-up which showed they had made an effort. That's just, um, "making an effort"in my book .

BitOfFun · 22/08/2010 22:20

Putting lipstick on in the mirror= taking pride in your appearance

Blowing yourself a kiss= vain

Earlybird · 23/08/2010 02:34

I think it is a good thing to make an effort, but a not-so-good-thing when that effort takes up too much of your time/money/energy (not sure how that dividing line can be defined).

Fwiw - I think vanity typically comes when girls/women are young, and have more time/disposable income to spend on their appearance. For alot of women, vanity seeps away as priorities change - with mortgages, household bills, children and family life in general. That is when, imo, 'making an effort' becomes important.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/08/2010 04:17

I don't really have a problem with vanity. You could define it as taking care over your appearance - and nothing wrong with that, or you could say in some cases it represents an underlying insecurity about deeper aspects of yourself, in which case it's tipping into a bit of a "disorder" - eg people who get into massive debt because of their spending. That's a shame but really a matter for them.

I try not to judge people over their appearance - be that someone who wears ugly shoes (comfort is as important as looks), or someone who always looks like they've gone to a lot of effort.

traceybath · 23/08/2010 06:57

LOL at BOF.

I don't think I know anyone I'd describe as vain - its just a very mean thing to say really.

Unless the person was seriously saying 'God - I am so bloody gorgeous' to everyone she met - I'd think it was more of a comment on the person who said some-one else was vain.

I look in mirrors a lot especially at the moment as have recently started to see that I am becoming more and more like my mother. But as my face does this - I think its safe to say its not vanity.

Bunbaker · 23/08/2010 07:53

I'm not sure I know the answer to this one.

I have a friend who never, and I mean never, looks minging. She never has a bad hair day and never looks scruffy. She usually wears make up and elegant clothes, but I don't consider her vain.

On the other hand there are a group of mums at school who we all call The Wags because they all have fake tans, fake nails, fake hair and fake personalities. As a group they are very catty and bitch about others all the time. So I would consider them vain, but maybe it is because of their personalities.

Original poster

Whelk · 23/08/2010 10:20

Sorry to post and then seemingly run My computer crashed!

lol BOF!!!

I've been thinking about it and there probably is some jealousy in it, although she is a really good friend and isn't usually like that iyswim.

When i asked her why she thought this it seemed to boil down to her dd's birthday when this other friend ate only a plain side salad. My friend was cross as she thought it set a poor example to her dd and that she could have set aside her restrictive diet for one day in the spirit of the party!

i guess she does talk about looking good quite a lot but tbh I have found it a pleasant alternative to the talk of play groups and schools!

I'm probably over-thinking it. It wouldn't be the first time!!

OP posts:

AbsOfCroissant · 23/08/2010 11:34

Hm. I think vanity creeps in when looking after your appearance takes precedence over everything else, like developing your mind, friendships etc. etc.

I think very often when a woman calls another one vain (though obviously not all the time) this is because there is an element of jealousy/insecurity. I've seen this on MN a lot - as soon as someone appears to care about how they look, you get a bunch of people coming on and saying things like you're vain and shallow, if you dare to wear nice clothes, and not just slob about in jeans/trackie bums and a fleece. I think it's also a problem with women in general - we're so freaking competitive, that if there's a sniff of someone being more successful/with it than you, you tear them down. Like on the infamous crocs thread, where the people who said "no, crocs are hid" got told they were shallow, stupid etc. etc. How can you possibly know that? For all you know, you might be slagging off someone with a PhD in Astrophysics

I like to take care of my appearance and look good

because it makes me happy
it's kinder to people I encounter, who may not want to have to look at a fugly mess all day
why not.

Original poster

Whelk · 23/08/2010 13:07

I had never thought of anyone as vain until my friend said it. By the way she always looks good so don't think she is threatened by it.
Think she was probably feeling grumpy!

OP posts:

tethersend · 23/08/2010 13:18

It's the difference between having a mirror on your living room wall and having a photograph of yourself (framed and professionally taken, of course).

Supercherry · 23/08/2010 13:23

Well I think vanity is not only taking care of one's appearance but also actually thinking one looks the dog's too iykwim?

I think wearng make-up, looking in the mirror, not going out without make-up on ever, is not necessarily vanity but more a lack of self-esteem.

I probably worry about how I look because I'm self conscious and a bit lacking in confidence but I'm not vain.

I'm also very crap at explaining myself.

Autumndew · 23/08/2010 13:31

i would say a vain person is a person who may or may not be very nice looking but THINK they are nicer looking than most.Or a Bawheid as we say here

TheMysticMasseuse · 23/08/2010 13:37

Well I think Carly Simon explained it really well. Vanity is when you think everything is about you :)

Supercherry · 23/08/2010 13:42

This thread is about me isn't it?

Supercherry · 23/08/2010 13:43

That my first attempt at a joke on mumsnet

TheMysticMasseuse · 23/08/2010 13:47

yeah, I think you get it Supercherry

spiritmum · 23/08/2010 13:50

I know in the past when I've thought that someone is 'vain' it's actually come from my own insecurity about my appearance and low self-esteem. Doesn't happen so much now that I take the time to look after myself, inside and out - and I'm no stunner.

It's all so subjective isn't it, and all of it - vanity or thinking someone is vain - stems from fearful thinking about not measuring up.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 23/08/2010 13:58

Someone mentioned Victoria Beckham - the way I see her is as someone who is actually pretty insecure about her looks. She had quite bad skin as a teenager, and her weight seems to be an issue for her. She just doesn't seem to be able to let go of the image - to the extent that she's got massive bunions because of those shoes.

I don't know all that much about her - not read any of her books, but my amateur psychology is a way of saying that vanity can be a sign of unhappiness - covering something up.

LeQueen · 23/08/2010 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwilldothis · 23/08/2010 15:25

Out in public, you can tell when a woman/man is vain by the way they walk, act, interact with others. I often think to myself "oooohhh she just loves herself" and you'd think they were screaming "look at ME!" Others I see and think "ooohhh she's dressed well," so it's not a jealous thing on my part.

I hate it when people have albums of far too many pictures taken of themselves on Facebook....professional or not. That, imo is vain. It's saying a statement "I love myself."

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