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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dont know who is being more selfish me or him.

27 replies

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 14:18

My grandad is quite literally on his death bed, the doctor has given him a couple of days at the most, dd's baby is probably going to be born at the same time. So this weekend is emotional to say the least, but DP wants to have his children this weekend anyway, I have got enough to deal with without dealing with his kids this weekend, I would like to be put first for once under the circumstances.

I feel like crap!!!!!!!!!!!

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QueenEagle · 17/06/2005 14:22

Squirrel - sounds like you are having a real time of it just now and the last thing you need is unecessary hassle. Is dp going to be about himself this weekend??

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 14:29

He will be about, he said he will take step children out, but I need him here, I don't want to cope with this alone, my Grandfather is the only family I have got (apart from my children of course). If dd goes into labour we are suposed to looking after my grandson, how can I do that if I am at the hospice with Grandad, I would like dp to be about if it is only to look after grandson if necessary, and I need his support anyway, its all very hard my emotions are all over the place.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 14:40

I actually feel like telling dp to have the kids but take them to his mohers and have them there, I will deal with my grief and dd alone.

It feels like I might as well be alone.... maybe I'm being out of order and I'm not usually, maybe its the grief and mixed emotions but I don't feel like being reasonable.

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tarantula · 17/06/2005 14:49

Oh SquirrelI think youre dp is being a bit selfish here. I know you have always gone out of your way to help him and his kids and I do think that he needs to support you this weekend esp after everything that your dd has gone through recently. Sorry Im not being much help but I ahve been thinking of you over the past week but realised that you have had alot on your plate. so sorry to hear that your Grandad has got worse.

Would it be a good idea to tell your dp that havig the kids round this weekend would not be good for them either as obviuosly you are going to be stressed and grieving and that is not good for them? Just a thought

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 14:55

tarantula we have just had a big argument over it feel like telling him to **off!!!!

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tarantula · 17/06/2005 15:02

Im not surprised Squirrel. Id be livid if dp did this to me too. you are going through major stress at the moment. Even dealing with one of these situations woulod be bad enough but to deal with both at once and esp after last weekend and all the problems your daughter had then. Does he really think its right and appropriate to the kids over at a time like this? Im sorry but I think if its possible he needs to be there to support you. IS he worried how BM will react?

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 15:09

Surprisingly I think that on this occasion even BM might understand.

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ninah · 17/06/2005 15:22

quite see where you are coming from, but from his point of view, they're his kids ... if they were yours would you want them to stay away at a bad time cos of extra hassle. I'm not being unsympathetic, we had dss and friend to feed and entertain when I was going mc, I know how you feel ..

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 15:36

If the situation were reversed I would def be there for dp even if it did mean that I had to rearrange having my kids a different time. I have done this several times myself lately for dp when he has been having problems with his grown up ds.

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ninah · 17/06/2005 15:39

Well that's the answer then. If you have done this for him, he should be more understanding.
It is a difficult one. Sometimes I groan with exhaustion at the thought of a house full of teenagers but I feel I can't express it.
So sorry about your grandad.

tarantula · 17/06/2005 15:45

have to say that if I ask dp to change weekends that we have dss then he generally does and its mostly for trivial reasons rather then major crisis. In fact we are having dss thisweekend rather than next cos Im away next weekend and dps got the kitchen walls to sort out. Have to say BM is cool about it all too though.

I do think he should be more understanding Squirrel. You have helped him so much recently with all the problems he has had with his son and it seems to me its time he reciprocated.

Caligula · 17/06/2005 15:46

Are they teenagers Squirrel? surely teenagers would feel terribly uncomfortable being in a house where someone is going through a grief that they don't share? Has your DP actually discussed the situation with them and asked them a) if they want to come and b) if they do, could they please understand that you need more kindness and consideration than usualy and they need to understand that he's going to prioritise being with you this weekend?

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 15:57

Caligula, they are 9 and 14, he hasn't told them. When they are here I am always the last person his list and it seems that this weekend will be no different (apart from the fact he said he will take them out, therefore leaving me to deal with it on my own)

I wish he would do as you have suggested, if I suggest it now he won't listen, he's too wound up 'poor love' [sarcastic emoticon]

He is so angry because I even suggested that he doesn't have them this weekend, I can see us splitting up.

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Original poster

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 15:59

Thank you tarantula, I feel like I'm being a wicked step mother again.

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QueenEagle · 17/06/2005 16:07

Squirrel, I'm so sorry about your grandad. I know what you are going through - my grandma died only 2.5 weeks ago and it was her funeral last Friday. I was on crutches so couldn't drive myself - if it wasn't for my dh taking me on the 150 mile round trip I would have missed seeing her as she died 4 hours after we left. You must be there at your GD's side if that's what you want.

This is a time when you need to be selfish, and your dp really should be more understanding. Your s-kids and their mother would understand if you wanted to change the weekend you had them - have you tried dealing with them directly? Or is this not an option. Your dp should be rallying round not playing silly beggars.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 17/06/2005 16:25

Queeneagle, me talking to BM is not an option, she hates me, don't know why, she has never met me.

I wish I could cut myself in two GD needs me and DD needs me...and DP is being an @rse!!!!!!

So sorry about your Grandma, I hope that you and your family are copeing (sp?).

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tarantula · 17/06/2005 16:55

Im off home in a min Squirrel but I just wanted to say I hope that yor dp supports you this weekend as I think you need and deserve all the support he can give. You are a wonderful person who has done soo much for him recently and I think he needs to return taht love and support. I hoep taht all goes well with your dd and the birth and that when I hear from you again you will be a proud grannie for the 2nd time. I know that your granddad has been unwell for a long time and that you and he manage to spend some quality time together thsi weekend.
Try to take care of yourself too this weekend. I probabaly wont manage to get onto MN thsi weekend but Ill be thinking of you.

tarantula · 17/06/2005 16:56

there was waaayyyy too many this weekends in that post

QueenEagle · 17/06/2005 17:15

Squirrel, is dd being induced this weekend? I was looking at the other thread when she went to have baby monitored and was wondering how things were going.

I am fine thank you re my GM. It's my GD who is so utterly devastated he doesn't know what to do. I had a call from my brother on the Tuesday morning and we rushed up to Leicester to see GM. She died that evening after we left and I am so glad we went. I would have been gutted if we hadn't. You must go and be with your grandad if the end is so close. Will your dd have someone with her (dh/dp) if you can't be?

If your dp really is going to be an *rse about this weekend then I would take matters into your own hands and do whatever you feel is right for you. If your GD has only a little time left then I would say your priority is with him first.

I wish you all the best whatever the outcome this weekend.

Surfermum · 17/06/2005 21:40

I'm so sorry to hear about this Squirrel. Don't feel guilty about putting yourself once for first. You aren't being selfish at all.

Catsmother · 17/06/2005 22:44

I think in reply to the title of this post there is absolutely no doubt who is being selfish here - and it's most definitely not you !

I can't understand why your DP is being so stubborn about this. You must be going through a very worrying, upsetting and stressful time right now and it appears that one way or another everything is likely to "come to a head" this weekend. I really feel for you and of course it's not selfish to want your DP's support. To put it bluntly, you can't rearrange what's likely to happen this weekend but the skids can come another time.

What to do about I don't know .... if I was in your shoes, feeling highly emotional and wretched, I would also feel betrayed and - dare I say it - unloved. How completely insensitive .... I feel so sorry for you .... just hope you are able to do what you need/want to do for both your daughter and your granddad.

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 21/06/2005 13:56

Thank you everyone for your replies, I'm sorry I haven't been able to reply until now, we did land up having the skids the weekend (although the BM did have a go at dp for saying that he would take the kids out, she said "but she will want you to be with her"

DP was a bit off with me all weekend because I was "in a funny mood", I think he expected me to be my usual self

dp had just taken them home when his older kids turned up, by this time I'd had enough so I made my excuses and went upstairs, then dd phoned to say her waters had broken (but her dp was going to work (????) so she came to me and I looked after her until she was ready to go into hospital. 2am she went to the hospital, she still hadn't had her by 8am and the baby's heartbeat 'dipped' so they prepped her for a C-section, examined her just before surgery and the baby's head was there so they just told her to push, the baby arrived and was blue for a little while, they resusitated her and now I am proud granny of a beautiful little girl!

Grandad is still hanging on the doctor only gave him 2days at the most on Friday but he is still hanging on!!! He really needs to go now its heartbreaking to see him now, he is so weak and thin, I don't know what to think.

I'm so pleased that dgd is here and she is beautiful but I still feel 'flat' and I feel really guilty for feeling like it, but I know its because I'm waiting for my gd to die (not to mention dealing with the fact my mother will still not acknowlage (sp?) my existance, speak to me or even glance in my direction even in front of my dying grandfather)

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Surfermum · 21/06/2005 23:38

Congratulations Granny Squirrel !

You have so much on your plate at the moment though it's not surprising you're feeling flat, so don't feel guilty for that.

tarantula · 22/06/2005 00:29

Congratulationsonbecoming a grannie again squirrel. Thats wonderful. Sorry to hear that the weekend was so difficult. I can totally understand why you are feeling so flat. You have aloton your plate at the min. Im away home for a week tomorrow so Ill not be logged on but Ill be thinking of you and hope everyhting works out

Original poster

Squirrel3 · 22/06/2005 08:25

Thank you surfermum and tarantula, dgd is beautiful, she looks just like dd when she was born.

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