Hi .... and apologies for what may well be the longest ever posting in the history of the step-parenting board. Unfortunately, I tend to be a bit "verbal" and don't think I can adequately explain my situation unless I give quite a bit of detail 1st.
Today, I am just so upset and angry and frustrated and just want to scream. Myself & DP are in a dreadful situation which shows no signs of getting better and every sign that it could get a lot worse.
(BTW, as a relative newbie here, what does "BM" stand for ??? .... if it doesn't stand for Bitch Mother, then it certainly does in this post)
Have been with DP for 4 years. When I met him he'd been separated for 2.5 years and I was his 1st serious g/f since the split. His ex wife had started "dating" within weeks of their split & has had several short lived relationships, including the married father of her kids' friend (charming). This detail may not seem any of my business but I mention it to build up a picture of what a hypocrite this woman is as you will see from what I write later. DP has 2 kids (nearly 11 & 8), I have 1 (@ 15 the eldest) and together, we have a 20 month daughter .... so, 4 kids in all.
DP & I didn't actually move in together until our daughter was born, though we'd wanted to long before she was conceived. Reason we didn't was because his divorce took 23 months to be finalised (mainly due to BM's non-cooperation, prevarication, appointment of four different solicitors) ... we simply didn't want to "muddy" the waters in any way. Divorce was extremely traumatic, DP effectively forced into corner defending what very little he had and £000s wasted doing this. The whole experience was driven by her spite, as DP naiively believed they'd already made a financial agreement (and trust me, it was more than fair, but she found out she could come after his assets at time of divorce rather than separation and once she knew that she was like a dog with a bone) - ironically, when I met DP he told me that separation had been mutual, relationship with ex was amicable and that they'd already reached and effected a financial agreement so that ex could move on (as she wished) by buying new 3 bed for herself & kids - albeit she chose to move kids 140 miles away from their dad.
In other words, I had no idea of the snakepit I was about to step into. (My own relationship with my son's dad, whilst not friendly, is civil & fair, so didn't anticipate any of what subsequently happened). Basically, it all kicked off within weeks of me starting seeing DP .... my MIL succinctly describes it as BM "not wanting DP, but not wanting anyone else to have him either". DP started getting snide remarks about me even though she's never met me, and when DP decided it was time for me to meet his kids she went completely mental saying I wasn't a "suitable" person to be around her kids etc. No genuine reason whatsoever for such an opinion but, amongst other remarks, I'd had "an illegitimate" child and (some time later, after me & DP had had a miscarriage), I was bad because I'd "been pregnant by 2 different men" !!! Plus a load of fairly cliched but ridiculous stuff like "I'm their mother not HER", "how will the kids feel seeing another woman in mummy's bed?" (Huh ???!!!!! .... not that they'd seen me in any bed ....)
All this vitriol seems to be down to an insane envy of the fact her ex has moved on but she hasn't (in terms of a succesful LTR). It is extremely upsetting for me as I can't understand why someone who's never met me should harbour such hatred and is so determined to cause trouble. Everything she says is utterly hypocritical ... she herself has apparently been pregnant by 3 different men, which, though not a crime, on one occasion she aborted the pregnancy & on another didn't know who the father was ! .... yet I'm criticised for having loose morals ! We've always stepped very carefully around all the children, I've certainly never forced the issue with them and never describe myself as their step-mum, just as Catsmother. On the face of it, I've always got on well with them and the younger child in particular tells me she loves me all the time and is very affectionate, holding my hand and so on.
Without boring you all to death, I could be here all night quoting examples of bizarre, spiteful, damaging, unfair and untruthful things BM has said and done over the last 4 years. In short, this has been realised by her creating huge contact problems, by her refusing to meet DP any part of the distance she chose to make thus incurring huge long tiring & expensive journeys for him to see his own kids, by her telling the skids detailed stuff about the divorce completely out of context and designed to make them think badly of their dad, by her telling lies generally to skids, going back on agreed holiday dates, refusing to answer phone to DP for weeks on end and regular voice & text messages spitting out viscious lies. She also likes to emotionally blackmail DP whenever possible and deliberately drop "hints" about his kids being upset with him but then refuses to discuss it so DP faces weeks of worry. Inevitably, all this affects our relationship .... we feel like we're being haunted because she sticks her oar in with such regularity. It wouldn't matter if it was just us but the fact the kids are dragged into it and used as weapons too means that we can't simply ignore it.
We use to think her bitterness would subside with time, and/or when she got a serious b/f, but if anything the whole situation and her detremination to disrupt us (not to mention her own children) is getting worse as each month passes. The situation now is that the skids come to us every other weekend, plus some of hols. On the face of it we have an enjoyable weekend but almost without fail, every single bloody time some sort of drama ensues within a couple of hours of the skids being returned. DP will get texts attacking him for upsetting one or both skids, yet he is totally baffled at what he could have done. If this doesn't happen, you can bet your life that during the w/end the skids have come out with defamatory crap along the lines of "mummy says ....." where DP has to defend himself and sometimes me. The most recent tack is that apparently DP and myself "interrogate" the skids about BM (!!!!) all weekend ..... yet categorically I can put my hand on my heart and say that I never discuss the skids' mother with them. I don't know her and I don't think it's fair to involve them in adult's arguments which involve concepts they are too immature emotionally to understand. This has ALWAYS been my approach. DP never mentions BM unless he is pushed into a corner and needs to defend himself as in being accused of "stealing mummy's money" (another regular snipe). Even then he is very careful to say stuff like "mummy must have misunderstood..." rather than call her the twisted liar she really is.
In 4 years of this, DP has tried numerous times to get to bottom of her approach. Has tried reasoning, has tried reading her the riot act but nothing works. Whenever she perceives DP criticises or inconveniences her in any way, a fresh bout of spite is invariably guaranteed together with awkwardness over the next contact due. DP & I strongly suspect that skids are interrogated by her the minute they get in the door and that no matter how much they've enjoyed the weekend, she will push and push digging for "dirt". This may seem paranoid, but over 4 years there've been so many examples of things said where this can be the only possible explanation. Basically, those kids are being put in the terrible position of not knowing which adult in their lives is telling the truth, of having to choose sides and of probably feeling very disturbed and confused.
If you're still reading, thanks for bearing with me .......
..... it all came to a head this weekend ....
.... skids came, M-I-L (their nanny) came too and we went out Sat evening to a concert, and had pizza on Sunday. There was no great argument or upset though Nanny & DP told them off a couple of times for bickering etc. If anything I'd have said it was one of the better weekends I can remember.
Sun evening after she'd gone home, M-I-L gets call from older skid. After a bit of prevarication he comes out with he doesn't like me. When asked why, he told nanny a load of stock phrases staright out of the mouth of his mother (which she's used in the past) plus more disturbingly, a complete load of lies. Stuff like, every other word I use is the f word, that I'm always telling them off, that I "push" past them when I change the baby. That daddy & mummy were friends before I came along, that everything's changed in the last 4 years and it's all my fault, that I domineer daddy and that it's "got to stop".
I'm in tears now .....
.... I do NOT swear in front of the kids.
.... I do NOT tell them off period (though God knows they sometimes deserve it) because luckily DP & me have identical expectations of behaviour & therefore he does discipline. I am actually scared to raise my voice to them lest that is then used - which it would be.
.... I do not "push" past anyone.
The other stuff is out of BMs little book of how to be a bitter ex. DP isn't friendly with his ex any more (though he is always civil & fair) 'cos she determined to push through a financial settlement which was grossly morally unfair and which he was forced into defending at huge cost, 'cos she's prevented contact with his kids on numerous occasions, 'cos she tells kids repeated lies about him ..... 'cos, 'cos, 'cos, she has caused so much damage all round.
Thankfully, both DP and M-I-L are 100% supportive of me in this. Neither of them would sit back and let the alleged behaviour go on if it were true. MIL thinks skid1 has been pushed into a corner by the BM and has said what he thinks she wants to hear. He has a history of lying and arguing black is white and finds it very difficult to extricate himself when he makes up a ridiculous story. They are both furious but are also extremely worried that this has happened.
Me ??? ...... I feel like a heel though it's all complete bollocks. I keep going over and over every detail in my head - can't help it. Have never been as close to skid1 as skid2 but didn't think he actually disliked me. Now I wonder if he really does, irrespective of being manioulated by BM. I do feel for him as a small child being used by a spiteful cow, but another bit of me is also very angry that he's told potentially very damaging lies about me. Doesn't matter that he was almost certainly pushed and pushed, the fact that BM has heard him say these things will be all the "proof" she needs to continue her nasty campaign against us. To achieve what I don't know .... DP thinks she'll only be happy when he drops out of his kids' lives, which isn't going to happen !
Before they went home, skid2 had called her mother and asked , independently of any adult, if she'd meet daddy. When BM said no, skid2 asked why and was told she didn't want to, whereupon BM got an earful from child. DP took phone away at this point and was accused, along with MIL and myself of "going on" at skid2 "all weekend" in order to get her to meet him. Utter rot and me & MIL were gobsmacked and enraged - not a word had been said by anyone, but as the skids get older they can start to see for themselves what's fair and what isn't.
DP & MIL suspect that when skids got home, this issue was twisted by BM to her advantage. Rather than admit, that yes, she was being unfair by never meeting daddy, she started going on at the kids that if daddy came up there ("like he used to before he met her...") there'd be no need for arguments over meeting. DP did use to "go up there" on occasion before he met me but that was prior to the vfery nasty divorce and all else that happened since, and, was also due to him being unselfish and saving the (then) younger children a long car journey.
DP & MIL suspect that with a lecture along the lines of how dreadful daddy is now (since he met me), skid1 ended up feeling very angry and with misplaced loyalty towards his mother, ended up calling nanny the way he did. MIL has spoken to child psychologist friend of hers about this who agrees that skids are almost certainly being manipulated by BM.
To put this into perspective, DP & ex have been separated now for more than six years !!! Psycholgist friend stated that it was extremely unhealthy that "the divorce" should still be such a potent, recurring and "current" topic of conversation and concern for the skids after such a long time and said that in all likelihood this was due to BM ensuring the topic never died !
He's recommended that MIL speaks to skids face to face & carefully explain (again) that mummy & daddy are divorced, they mutually agreed to do this, that when people divorce they (usually) move off in different directions etc., etc. When this will happen I don't know as MIL lives 4.5 hours from skids. Trouble is, both DP & me feel defeated by this ..... similar stuff has been said to them umpteen times, yet they're obviously never allowed to "move on" or come to terms with it themselves by BM. She has them the majority of time and is therefore the greatest influence on them.
DP has always been a loving and responsible father (though not according to BM of course, but in her eyes, he'd only be that if he rolled over and died whenever she asked him to). He has always reassured his kids that even though he's with me he'll always be there for them and we tried to be ultra sensitive about my pregnancy (though of course, DP gets a load of stuff about "you don't care about your first kids" so invariably, the kids are probably told this too).
I just feel so sick .... to be the subject of lies like that. What really concerns me is just how far BM will go ..... am I going to have a social worker knocking on the door next ? When is this ever going to end ? All the discussions in the world aren't going to help the skids if the root cause of it all is their BM .... MIL thinks she needs to see a psychiatrist.
And, because I'm human too, as much as I feel desparately for those kids I'm also feeling very sorry for myself right now. DP sympathises ... he's had lies flung at him too .... but I think it's kind of different for me as BM isn't my bloody ex and I feel like I'm totally caught in someone else's crossfire. I can't speak to skid myself, nor can I speak to BM as this would be seen as provocative and bring forth loads more grief .... so I just feel helpless and unable to defend myself (though MIL intends to put things straight). DP & MIL think that although skid should be told it's very wrong to lie full stop, and worse to tell lies about people which could get them into trouble, they don't think he should be punished as he was probably pushed. Okay .... I do see that, but again, can't help but come back to wondering if a little bit of him wanted to get me into trouble ? It's all such a mess ....
... I remember reading in another step-parenting post an observation which I thought was very wise - that the stepparent gets a load of extra work when skids come and no reward. Well, I totally agree ... when they come I've always tried to make things nice for them, get in treats I know they'll like and so on. I do this, not just for their sake but for DP too of course. Yet I rarely get any thanks (guess that's kids for you) and do incur a lot of extra clearing up as they're allowed to get away with a lot at home and do the same here though DP does try to insist on house rules. In the past, I've spent numerous hours traipsing about trying to find a special xmas or birthday present, I have dealt with wet beds and soiled carpets, and have said nothing when their mucking about has resulted in my things being broken or ruined. All in the effort to maintain harmony ........ and this happens ..... this is my "reward" ......
I know that no-one is going to be able to wave a magic wand for me. I also know I've answered a lot of stuff myself and that this is really a rant to get things off my chest. Guess I'm hoping for a little empathy ....
Apparently, skid1 was "told" to ring nanny, as she wouldn't "argue" with him (suggesting DP would). I am so gobsmacked that BM is encouraging the blackening of my name like this - suggesting that smacks of her wanting to get me "into trouble" with MIL who is quite a formidable lady when she wants to be. Fortunately, she is also fair and nobody's fool and can see right through BM. What amazes me though about all this is if what skid1 was true, then surely BM should have called DP to sort it all out ? .... instead, it's all done in such a snide way.
If I thought that my ex's new wife had behaved nastily to my son, I would want to sort it out in an adult fashion with him asap. Not all this bloody cloak and dagger stuff. Just don't know what to do ..... yeah, I took on a man with "baggage" but that doesn't mean I have to accept all that's been thrown at me (I also had "baggage" but DP gets no grief from my ex). I know for sure that my ex & his wife don't sit in fear of what I'm going to do next, I doubt they ever give me a second thought. Being someone's 1st wife does NOT somehow excuse behaviour which would be considered totally unacceptable by society.
Does anyone else have any experience of similar ..... it's said you can't reason with the unreasonable and it's true. We don't know what to do ..... and TBH, I am so angry that if I ever saw this woman the only thing that'd stop me punching her would be the thought of how my baby would cope without me if I were jailed.