Advice Needed...I'm afraid it's another EXP issue :-S

[ameNbump]

Hi all... I have posted on this thread once before, and received some really valuble advice. For those of you who aren't familiar, here's a bit of backfround (I'll try and keep it short).

I have been with DP for a year. His DC's are 2&3. When we were first together I met his children on 5or 6 occasions, and we got along great. (I was just introduced as Daddy's "friend"). We got along great, but DP's ex has sinse decided that I'm allowed nothing to do with them. I haven't seen them sinse last August. 6months ago i moved 200miles away for work purposes. I am now 19 weeks pregnant myself, with my first baby, DP has moved to be with bump and I, and goes back to see his children every weekend.

We have tried negotiating with DP's ex, and at first she decided that I could se the children over this bank holiday weekend, which I was delighted with. Then she changed her mind, and said I could see them for one hour, providing it was at DP's Mum's, and that his Mum was there. We agreed to this. It wasn't ideal, but it means the world to DP, so is well worth the £40 train fares, even just for a hour. I thought it would be a step in the right direction.

NOW, she has decided that I can only see them if its at HER house wit her there. I really don't feel comfortable with this. Firstly, it was her and DP's house, and I also think that the kids would pick up on the atmosphere. If I thought she'd be reasonable I might, but she still refers to me as "The one person I hate".

I do accept that I will have to meet her, and we have asked to meet her in a neutral place, but she has basically said that if I want to see them, hat's the way it has to be. She plans to have her whole family there, and I just feel that they will all be searching for ammunition against me. It's also a lot of stress for bump & I.

I am scared that if I don't go, she'll say that I've been given the opportunity, but that I blew it. But I really really don't think it's something I can do at the moment.

Does anyone have any advice/opinions? I would be so so grateful for a bit of persective?

...Sorry, this turned out to be quite long.

Thanks Surfermum...lovely to hear a story with a "happy ending". DP has tried speaking to her again, but she is pretty determined not to budge, and that it "MUST" be at her house etc. I think I am just going to have to let it go for now. I do want to support DP, and I know that this is tough for him, but like you say, this situation isnt going anywhere, and i really do needto put bubba first for now.

Thanks again to everyone for their advice!

Amie

If your partner is now divorced then getting married can help alot with this sort of situation. The ex soon starts to sound and feel silly if she is not allowing the kids to stay with their dad and his wife rather than their dad and his girlfriend. It's strange how ex wives will always refer to the woman their ex now lives in as his "girlfriend" rather than "partner", as though he's taken up with an 18 year old bimbo, when she's a 40 year old professional woman. Many women on mumsnet seem to describe fairly recent relationships of their own as partnership (DP and all that) but nearly always describe their exes partner as a girlfriend or the other woman! Alot of the hostility I got from my husband's ex calmed down when we got married.

Agree with 2Rebecca re. the marriage thing.

I was with DH for 10 years before we got married, and his Ex constantly made out like we'd just shacked up when I got out of school (I'm 10 years younger than DH and his ex is a bit older than him)

But, when we got married, it def. stymied that 'argument'. It also changed the way we were viewed - it was like 'yep, this is permanent now' (though to be fair, marriage pretty much co-incided with DS... so it might have been the baby too)

Def. made a difference being DH and DW though. (And, for me personally, I adore being married... I do like the permanence of being my DH's wife )