Am i out of order?

[jaynel]

Hi, i have a SD who is 11 and i have a dd 10 and a ds 3, i have been with my dh for 8 years and have done a lot for my sd, she lived with us for a while, we have her every weekend, we take her on days out, holidays etc, i treat her like i treat my own, we never leave her out,and i have her when my dh is at work and school hols, but just lately she is being nasty to my dd, and lying about me to her mum so i have started keeping my distants a bit, anyway i got free tickets to go to a wildlife park and as my husband was at work i asked for him to arrange for someone else to have his dd so i could spend the day with my kids. my dh was fine about this but his ex is being really horrible, she is saying im out of order, i leave sd out, i only ever have sd when it suits me (which is totally not true, its when it suits her) and now im not allow to have her without my dh here, she used to walk here from school on a friday but now she isnt allow cos my dh isnt here, she said my sd doesnt want to be arround me without her dad here, im really upset about this as she has been around me for 8 years, i wasnt intending to be horrible just wanted to spend a well earned day with my own children, am i out of order?

No I'm not a step parent, I thought I made it clear I was giving a point of view of a child raised in very similar circumstances? I'm sure there are times it is very hard, and you wish you weren't a step parent, I wouldn't doubt that.

But as a step prent surely you want to enjoy a relationship with your stepdc??

Well that means loving them warts nd all in fact it means making that much more effort becuse you have their other parent living with you.

What I am thinking makes the situation quite a lot different is that your stepdaughters dad isnt the father of your daughter- therefore I can understand your sd angst that her daddy is being daddy to another child indeed another little girl that isnt even his biological child.

i doubt she would have even given it a 2nd thought, she knew she was going to be spoilt at her grandmas, so do u think its right that her mother has stopped her coming round here when her dad isnt here?

i dont think its her mothers decission to make myself your dsd is 11 and i would feel that she was old enough to make it for herself i also think that if she to decided she no longer wanted to be alone with you then it would be time for you dh to step in and talk to his daughter about the issues going on

I think if my child was being excluded in the various ways you describe I would be reluctant to send her to be with just you as a stepmother and your dc.

I would prefer her to spend quality time with your family when her daddy was also there.

Jaynel-
Right. Wrong. Whatever. The silly bint will regret it when she needs you to babysit do your duty kindly look after her child when she wants to go out and get p*d get her nails manicured spend time tidying up without her daughter getting under her feet. Use those times to get quality moments with your children.

You are not being unreasonable to spend time alone with your own children. You have not a had the opportunity for 7 years.
Your children deserve to spend quality time alone with their mummy, just as your step-daughter gets to spend time alone with her mummy each and every day of the week. Day in, day out. Month in, month out. Year in, year out.

Your step-daughter is extremely adept at manipulation. She knows exactly how to get all the adults in this extended family situation to cater for her own wants. She is an arch manipulator and liar e.g. the texting. She is not an innocent little twee Victorian dolly who will break at any opportunity, and, from her mothers actions, it is clear at whose knee this lesson has been learned.

Tell the silly bint (the mum) and your husband that this arrangement of her not being there without him is quite acceptable to you. Then la-di-daa get your nails done/take your children shopping/get your children to give you a foot massage (whatever floats the boat in your family)

You be the piper who plays the tune for a while.

If she was your step-daughter in the sense that she lived with you permanently from a young age due to her own mother not being there i.e. through death or abandonment or severe illness etc. then of course you would treat the children the same as a group. You would also treat them all as individuals, catering for specifics needs i.e. football/ ballet/arty classes or days out.

She is not.

You, my dear have been played for far too long methinks'.

How can all these assumptions be made regarding a little girl im presuming none of us know,and how can we know that the childs mother is a 'bint'?????

trip trap troll methinks.

Well I am a stepmum and I agree with flowery - it must have been incredibly hurtful for her to be left out and it must have felt like you were rejecting her. And like I said before just reinforced what she has been feeling.

I don't think not having her on your own is going to help things at all. It draws a line and divides you and your children and her even further. But in a way I can't blame her mum for not letting her be with you without her dad there if she is under the impression that she is unhappy about it.

Jaynel originally posted:

"i got free tickets to go to a wildlife park and as my husband was at work i asked for him to arrange for someone else to have his dd so i could spend the day with my kids. my dh was fine about this but his ex is being really horrible, she is saying im out of order, i leave sd out, i only ever have sd when it suits me (which is totally not true, its when it suits her) and now im not allow to have her without my dh here.."

and subseqently;

"me and the ex have never really got on but because i had her dd a lot she was ok with me because (her words) I do a lot for her"

"i used to have her more than her own mum did but when u get lies in return it hurts"

In our world, that makes the step daughters mother an ungrateful silly bint.

As catsmother said - "sounds more like to me the ex is peed off at having to look after her own daughter for a change.

Jaynel also posted about her step-daughter:

"i have her when my dh is at work and school hols, but just lately she is being nasty to my dd, and lying about me to her mum.."

also:

"..she is jelous of my dd because her dad lives with us i cant help that?"

and:

"..she is a diffucult child but i have never turned my back on her, now im the big bad step mum"

also:

"she takes the micky out of my dd, winds her up, takes things off her, acts like she is better than my dd. she lies about me."

nasty

"she was texting her mum saying i was being horrible to her and i left her downstairs on her own."

manipulating and does'nt tell the truth of the situation (to make jaynel look bad)

"...dd and sd where down stairs on ds's, sd was turning tv over and everytime dd began to sing a song that was on tv sd turned over.."

Remember. These are Jaynel's actual words of her situation. That is why can reasonably assume there is a girl out there who is like this.

so if i came on and said .....

AIBU..... to want my dd to be with her dad at weekends not just her stepmum and her family.....My little girl stays at her Dads most weekends with her stepmum and her children,just lately my little girl has become reluctant to go I dont always get on with the ow (who does?)but so far weve muddled along.

2 instances that my dd have explained to me are that the stepmum when dd and her stepsister were arguing let her dd stay upstairs leaving my dd downstairs alone then she arranged a special day out without my dd.

The stepmum clearly isnt enjoying spending time with my dd so to make the situation easier ive said that my dd should only spend time with her step fmily when her daddy is there too- figuring hes the common denominator in both our fmilies hes her dad so really its him that should be spending time with her.

Thankyou nickschick - why do the ADULTS find it so easy to slip into pettiness. I am stepmum to 2 DSS's and have 2 (nearly 3!) kids with their dad. He was their dad when I met him, their dad when I married him and will be their dad for the rest of their lives. I was well aware of this and made the choice...they did not.

My DSS's spend every weekend, school holidays and any other time they're allowed to with us. This is their right, I live with their dad. I look after them, and treat them the same as my own. Yes, there are times when they fall out with my DS and DD,just as I did with my siblings. If my mum had not taken me on a family day out because I had been mean to my sister, I would have been very upset. If you treat them as your own, you accept that siblings fall out. Sometimes it's hard because the younger ones are mine, and it upsets me that they're upset, but that's my issue, not DSS's.

I sympathise with the mum TBH, it must be hard to see your child upset, and to have your parenting judged by someone else. But mostly I feel sad for this child, who is hitting puberty, being awkward and therefore dumped by her SM and Dad.

The question Jaynel has posed is:

"Am I out of order....i wasnt intending to be horrible just wanted to spend a well earned day with my own children, am i out of order?

No.

According to Jaynel her own children do not get to spend quality time alone with her.

So why is she up in arms about her sd mum saying she can only come when her dad is there?

I would think that suits Jaynel to the ground.

Izzymum I'm sure your stepchildren will in the future remember you as a fair parent-it must be difficult being a child with step families and complicated family arrangements.

It is the child I feel for.

nickschick - what are your feelings for Jaynels eldest daughter?
As you are so heartfeeling towards the children?

poor child

poor child

I know this will sound flip but I read all this and cant help but think that this - SD only being with you when her dad is about - is a good thing for you.
Doesnt sound like any of you are getting much out of the current set up and your poor DD is probably sick t the back teeth of her dss company.
And of course you're not out of order for wanting a day out with just your kids. I'm sure it will be a real treat for the kids too to have their mum to themselves for once.

Sounds to me like someone (Dad) needs to spend a bit of quality time with his 11yr old daughter and find out how she's feeling. It's normal for children to wind each other up, would be quite abnormal if they didn't in my opinion!
11 is a very difficult age from what I remember and I also had to fight for my father's time against his girlfriend on Sundays!
I'm not saying you're unreasonable to want to spend a bit of time with your own children Jaynel but perhaps your SD also needs a bit of time, money/sweets etc do not equate to time/love ~ I know only too well!

By caramelwaffle on Tue 31-Mar-09 23:48:47
nickschick - what are your feelings for Jaynels eldest daughter?
As you are so heartfeeling towards the children?

Caramel waffle I do hope you arent turning this round? jaynels posts hve all been about her feelings her anger etc etc little has been said about the way her daughter feels ....

I think that all children including siblings and stepfamilies are bound to have arguments
and if you are one family then you just get on with it.

If Im honest without knowing the ins and outs of it aside from what jaynel has said I think that these spats would have just blown over.

Where is Jaynels daughters daddy? if she is 10 and her mum has been with her dh for 8 years then she must have a daddy too?

Nickschick - Jaynel posed the question "Am i out of order...i want one day with my children..."

Remember, Jaynels husband supported her in this decision. I suspect she came on to mumsnet to have that decision validated.

Jaynel has, in her original posting, said much about the low level bullying her step-daughter subjects her daughter to. It is there in black and white (!) and she feels unable to deal with it as perhaps a full time mum/step-mum might be able to as the step-daughter sends her mum texts, distorting the truth of the situation.

Again. I say the answer is No. What is your answer to jaynel?

Is Jaynel "out of order to want to spend one day (out of 8 years) with her children"?

Does SD ever spend time alone with her father without her step siblings???

I think it's ok to do things with the children individually, but to do things with only hers in view of the circumstances, ie this girl is feeling jealous of the time jaynel's children get to spend with her Dad, isn't on IMO.

By taking her two and excluding her dsd it's like sides has been formed. "My" children and "his" daughter. And that just doesn't feel right to me.

Yes, her behaviour might be difficult to cope with yes, it's hurtful when they tell lies about you, but if she's once lived with you jaynel and this behaviour is a change, then clearly something is going on that she isn't happy about and can't verbalise, and I think it's that that you need to get to the bottom of. You seem to be taking all this very personally, and I'm not sure it is about you.

Yes I think she is.

**if you are a stepmum and you have your sd every weekend then in effect you have an additional child-always and forever,not when it suits you.

Yes I think shes treated her own dc differntly.
**keeping her dd upstairs when the girls were being fractious downstairs as a mum you treat them both the same not isolate the sd.

Yes I think she probably reminds her sd that her daddy now lives with another little girl.

Jaynels direct response was that she cant help the fact her daddy lives with another family.

I think the whole description of the sd was based entirely around what she gets and how she is spoilt...the sd cannot help that.

I think Jaynel is quite harsh toward the ex partner and I think that if she feels like that towards the sds mum then these feelings must come out in day - day life.

In making a commitment to be a step parent you honour that commitment and treat the child fairly- no wonder theres so many messed up kids around.

Incidentally I won a comp for 4 tickets to watch the European 11 at old trafford we have 3 dc and with 2 prents we needed n extra ticket.....like gold dust they were but we re a family and we go together- the day before our 11 and 12 yr old had had a huge row - we didnt not take one as a punishment.

Surfermum, I agree.

She is a child, you are her step mother and an adult. Please talk to her about what's going on in her head, it's very apparent the child is hurting.

I am a bit shocked actually. I take my son out in the week - this situation appears really complicated and doesnt quite sit with me. Op is there something else going on?