Thanks so much for the support guys. I feel totally gutted but I know I have done the right thing. Going to see a therapist tomorrow to try and work through some of the resentment issues and guilt I feel over it though. I feel like such a failure.
I know - that is the one thing that pxxxxxs me off more then anything else - by admitting you cant do it or are struggling with children who often have major residual issues from their own parents split you are labelled a bad person.
To even spend time in the vicinity of a child in a nursery environment where there is plenty of support and supervision you have to have acres of training and checks etc and if a child behaves badly they are taken away - no such training for step parenting and lets be honest most of us are treated as unpaid babysitters at one time or another. Perhaps unwittingly but it does happen. Foster carers and adopters have endless acres of support. Steps do not. We choose to take someone elses child on and hope we can do a good job by them - where is the difference.
Many, many step children are lovely. Many mroe are lovely some of the time and not others, like most kids, but for a lot they are hard work - not their fault but they really are. You can end up spending half your life with a child who hates you, bullies your own children, wilfully manipulates your partner and tells lies about you and your children to anyone who will listen, which you then have to defend. It could try the patience of an absolute saint and then you have the fun of the ex to contend with - you know, the woman who hates you purely because you arent her. And if you DARE complain about it YOU are wrong as YOU chose it - I dont know about you guys buts I didnt expect it to be this hard. I just didnt know what was coming. I know logically it isnt his fault. I know he has had an awful time and been really badly hurt. I know his attention seeking is a cry for help but I also know that It is not endearing and unfortunately you cannot discipline a child who isnt yours in the same way.
I literally spent the last few months in my room when he was here. I tried the family outing thing - the last time i was holding hands with his dad and he shoved me out of the way to get to him. He deliberately wound my son up for the whole weekend and lied constantly even when caught by my partner red handed. I just couldnt do it any more. I work to provide for the whole family and in the end the whole "responsibility for everyone including a child who hates me" just became too much. There were some sweet times in there but I never knew which step I would get.
Where my dss is concerned he needs constant love, affection and attention, from someone who doesnt have to share it with anyone else and I cannot provide that for him so if I get flamed for it so be it - but to leave my partner who I love and return to a life as a single parent with TWO children now should show some of the people who just dont get it just how INCREDIBLY depressing and hard it can get - I would rather be alone with two kids then carry it on.
Sorry for the rant guys. Kept it all bottled up for so long I just cant stay quiet about it any more so if I get flamed, I get flamed. I am no longer a step so no children will be harmed in the making of this rant. Just please remember to those thinking of having a go at stepmums finding it tough. We have all of the issues of parenting and sometimes mroe with none of the preparation or natural bond that occurs with our own children. If we have a day when our step abuses us and our houses and our partners and our kids and the ex is shrieking down the phone about more money and your tired and trying to get a job and we decide to have a rant about it, that is our lookout and quite frankly our right.