I confess i hate being a stepmother

[marmon]

Its been 4 years and my god they have been tough, my dh has a control freak ex wife who by the way left him for another man and a trouble making step son. I could go on for hours but do not want to bore you but i just had to let off steam and say that being a stepmum is harder than looking after my kids.

We only ever argue about the ex and the boy and to be honest i am exhausted and drained from it all. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Please dont judge me for moaning its just tough sometimes.

[prettyfly1]

Yeah but I can see the point that when they are as awful as above (good lord I almost thank god for dss mother now) you lose that goodwill and no longer want her entering the property. Elenor its awful that even in the birth of your first child she felt that she had the right to exert herself. That was a time that she should not have been involved.

[kissmummy]

i also hate it and have a further confession - i don't love my stepson. I am fond of him but it seems beyond my powers to actually love him. i've tried. i want to love him. i can't. i wish i did. the failure is all mine.

[prettyfly1]

I dont love mine. I am hoping too one day but at the moment i dont. I dont think it is all that uncommon.

[2rebecca]

I don't love my stepchildren. I like them both and am pleasant to them and enjoy spending time with them, but the attitude of their mum has meant we don't see them that often so I've never built up the sort of bond you need to love someone. I doubt very much that they love me, but that's OK as long as they are pleasant to me.
I think the term love is overused, and in mnay ways being pleasant and thoughtful and empathetic is more useful in the step relationship if they see their natural parents frequently. It's different if the child is with you most of the time and has been with you from a young age and only sees one parent, then you can take on more of a surrogate parent role, but I see myself as a sort of auntie.

[marmon]

I will probably be shot down in flames for saying this but i expect most step parents do not love there step children. On a basic level they are not our blood and are the product of a past relationship and i must admit i have found this hard to accept. Its not jealousy and its definately not the poor childs fault, its hard to explain i suppose. I look at my dss and see his mother 100 per cent, he looks nothin like his dad or does not share any of his mannerisms its quite odd but there you go. Perhaps if i did not see her in him so much i would feel warmer towards the boy, its just she has been so bloody horrible and still continues to manipulate from a distance that i feel the way i do. Like i say i expect to be slammed for admiting these things but im sure i am not alone.

[Surfermum]

Oh I definitely love dsd, although not the same love as I have for dd. I've known her for longer than I've known my own dd, about 9 years now, so we've had a while to develop the relationship.

For me the fact that she is from a past relationship doesn't matter. It never has. She was dh's precious little girl when I first met her and it's that that was in my mind - not anything about her mum.

I wondered if I would feel slightly resentful of her existence when I had dd - not her, but the fact that dh had already had a child with someone, but I didn't. Her conception was a completely different kettle of fish, as was her birth, so I couldn't look on it and think dh has been through all this before with someone else. And I was so relieved when dd was born that dh had done all the baby stuff before and had a bit of a clue about what to do. He looked so confident during the first couple of days changing her nappies and cuddling her and I found that very reassuring and was grateful that he was already a Dad.

[AnitaBlake]

This thread has certainly been high on emotions, however I have to agree with those that would not want the mother in the house. I will welcome dsd with open arms the first time (if she is ever) allowed to visit us, I have plans for a bedroom for her, and would love to spend time with her, but I doubt very much this will ever happen. This is entirely due to the actions of the mother, who quite happily calls me all the names under the sun, whilst trying to make OH feel bad, and protesting that she would love her dd to have a relationship with her daddy, if only she wasn't hungover/LO is sleeping/having her luch/busy/doesn't have a buggy/her granda wants to see her, or whatever the reason is this week.

I work very hard to remember that it is the mother doing this and the child is innocent. As it stands once we have enough evidence we can go to court and hopefully be allowed access that she won't frustrate. When the current round of bs started I was happy to meet her, for the sake of good relations, but over the weeks and months it has played out, I don't even think I could be in the car whilst he collected LO from her. She isn't welcome, and that is due entirely to her own actions (but of course she isn't doing it on purpose, so thats ok...).

Sorry but without knowing the facts you can't critise the actions of another. If I had known it would be this hard (and I was stepchild) I would never have gotten involved, as it is the die is cast.......

All us stepmums can do is try support each other.

[Shalotta]

Just wanted to add something re ex-wife coming to your house and visit your step-child's room.

Before my dp and I moved in together, the X regularly came to my dp's house to get clothes for her child, help herself to food in the fridge, turn the house upsidedown and leaving without tidying up, and one day even went so far to "steal" the passport of the little one (which she then gave back saying "oups, I forgot to tell you that I took our child's passport with me"). I was absolutely outraged but grid my teeth, as it was not MY flat.

When we moved in together with dp and dss, I had firmly decided that this woman would never put one step into my flat. So comes the day dss drags her to our house and wants to show her his room, my dp said no and the little one -obviously - burst into tears and was screaming half an hour for his mommy coming back. It was heartbreaking. The woman obviously did not have the slightest reflex to tell her child that it may not be "appropriate" for Mommie to go into Daddy's new home. After that I felt really bad and thought maybe I was too rigid about it all and I actually told my dp that for my dss' sake she can come and view the house. But it is now dp who refuses to let her in, saying after her stealing things from his previous flat he does not want to have her in his house.

I must say I am not British and from where I come from there is a general consensus that the ex has nothing to do in your house and the other way around. Personally, I think it is possible if you have a really good relationship with the ex, which is not our case. She invited me several times to her flat, but I never went there as - to be honest - I don't have any interest to see her place. I prefer to meet her - if necessary - on neutral ground. Best is still not to meet her at all.

[Shalotta]

good to hear that "step parenting" can actually be a postivie and enjoyable experience! ;)

[CrushWithEyeliner]

Oh Step parenting is shit. It is an awful slog and a thankless task in so many ways. I must say if DD was thinking of getting together with a guy with children I would say run for the hills.

I am very fond of my SC as "people". But the secrecy and underhand manner in which they behave whilst complying with their Mother has just made it impossible to have a loving relationship with them. For example they are not even allowed to bond with DD as ex-w can't have any more children and has kind of banned them from talking about her. Petty things like that.

Remember their loyalty will always be with their Mother -quite rightly so I suppose- and if the Mum is bitter or angry or resentful this will totally rub off and you will never have peace.

[bratnav]

I hear what you are saying definitely.

I adore my DSD and as far as I am concerned I have another part time DD (we have DSD every other week for the week). DH feels the same way about my DDs, although they are with us full time.

DSDs Mum however, makes things very difficult. She hates the close relationship that I and DDs have with DSD (and even the relationship that DH has with her I think). She cannot accept that I am effectively another parent.

I only work PT so I can collect and drop off all the girls from school. She told several Mums at school that DSD hated the joint residency arrangement and that she was very unhappy and unsettled, and that DH was selfish for inflicting it on her. It has taken months of diplomacy with the Mums for them to accept that I am not Cruella de Vil and that DSD is genuinely happy with arrangements as they are.

I actually bumped into one of her closest Mummy friends when I was out with the girls this morning and she said in a VERY shocked voice, 'Oh it's DSD, doesn't she look happy' which I think says it all about what DSDs Mum has been saying about us.

She complains that DSD doesn't get the individual attention that she does with her, failing to realise that DSD has 2 sisters here, so doesn't need an adult sitting next to her 24/7.

It is tough, you never get any recognition for anything good you do, and if you make a small mistake, or just do things differently then you get slammed, but at the end of it al, my relationship with DSD outweighs all the crap that comes with the situation.

[bratnav]

Oh and to avoid contact with the ex as much as possible is definitely the best route to a happy life. Whoever has DSD the week before drops her at school on the Monday morning, the other parent collecting her after school on Monday. Works like a charm

[twinsetandpearls]

My dp is a stepparent and is wonderful, if I thought he did not love dd he would be out of the door though. Maybe it is different if you are a resident step parent though. DD stepmother is also very good and dd adores her. She is no longer with dd biological father but we have maintained contact, I hope they may get back together as the split really upset dd.

He has always detached himself from whatever is going on between me and dd biological father, although despite a very bitter divorce we get on now so there is very little to detach from.

[Shalotta]

bratnav - I know how it feels being the stepmum doing the school run... you feel a bit like an alien. In my case I have the feeling that I am definitely "excluded" from the cercle of bio mums... apart from some exceptions. But tbh, I give a sh*. I can do without sitting around in a cercle, having coffee and talking superficial cr** about nappy changing and what an exceptional child my (step) child is....

The mother of DSS takes these things very seriously though. She hords all the phones and emails of all the other parents at school. When we asked her if she could pass us on some of them, she REFUSED. God was she afraid that we could build a (better) relationship with these people and they could prefer us to her... sometimes you can only shake your head in disbelief.

[fourkids]

could anyone give me advice/clarification about the trying to be a parent thing please? I worry about this

I get on well with DSC and vice versa - we are happy with the set up so I presume all is well, but I do question myself about this issue.

I mean, when we are all here as a family or when we are all on holiday, I do most of the cooking, suggest dirty clothes should be changed and wash the dirty ones, discipline if necessary (as does DH - we both do it), kiss all the DCs goodnight (as does DH), sometimes say when it's bedtime, send all DCs for a shower if necessary etc. That's acting as a parent isn't it? So is that somehow wrong? I don't want to be storing up trouble for the future...yet I don't have issue with DCs' dad's DP doing those things...??

there is always something to worry about

[fourkids]

I should say that although there is always something to worry about, i luuuurve being a stepmum

[Shalotta]

Didn't it say in Psychology Magazine as a stepparent you should behave like a parent towards your SC... not like a mother, not like a father, but like a parent... I was quite surprised when I read that as I always thought as a stepparent I should act like a "friend" ( obviously a friend with a bit of authority).... now I've started more to act like a parent towards DSC and he does not like it very much.... .

I don't think any stepparent really sees themselve as the father or mother of their stepchild ( that is if he/she is a sensible person). But as it is, we all play roles naturally in life... sometimes we are the child, sometimes the parent, sometimes the adult in relationship with others... and with your SC you slip into the "role of mother", which isn't quite the same like thinking you ARE the mother...

Like DSC behaving like a child towards me that wants to be nurtured and loved.. what if I said to him - stop it, don't you realise you are not MY child, silly?... and yes, he calls me regularly Mommie by mistake and then shakes his head how he could say something so silly to me...