I confess i hate being a stepmother

[marmon]

Its been 4 years and my god they have been tough, my dh has a control freak ex wife who by the way left him for another man and a trouble making step son. I could go on for hours but do not want to bore you but i just had to let off steam and say that being a stepmum is harder than looking after my kids.

We only ever argue about the ex and the boy and to be honest i am exhausted and drained from it all. Does anyone else ever feel like this? Please dont judge me for moaning its just tough sometimes.

[BonsoirAnna]

fourkids - I'm a stepmother and I am very much a third parent to my DSSs, although I never consciously set out to be one. What happened in our case is that their mother is very "hands off" and I gradually began to take on parenting tasks that she might otherwise have done. Somewhat to my (initial) surprise, the DSSs' mother is perfectly happy to let me (and DP, of course) make decisions about the DSSs education, haircuts, clothing, extra curricular activities etc etc.

IME and IMO, it is important not to step on the bio parents' toes but to carve out a role for yourself where you "add value" to your DSC's lives. They will then respect you for what you contribute.

[BonsoirAnna]

In the light of my own experience, I think it is impossible to make general assumptions about what are and what aren't acceptable stepparenting tasks. Everyone in our stepfamily (DP, DSSs, DSSs' mother) is happy and grateful that I do all the research and strategising about education for all three children (2 DSSs and DD) - it doesn't interest DSSs' mother to do it, but she is glad that it is done and in fact is the first to broadcast to her friends all the educational opportunities that her DSs have that I initiated. It really just depends on the family.

[mrshibbins]

i find it incredibly difficult to be a step mum sometimes, demoralising and exhausting. Unfortunately am unable to detach as SD (8) lives entirely with us and both her and my OH look to me to be Mum ...

[sunshine13]

I really think that this thread is very useful. I am about to move in with my boyfreind who has a child from a previous marriage.

He only has his child once a fortnight. I am with them both once a fortnight as OH says he wants his son to grow up knowing that I have always been there on the scene. He is nearly 3.

Sometimes when I am with OH and son I find it difficult to know how to act or where to fit in.

I try & let things progress naturally. BTW the Ex is insane and OH is fighting to see more of his son(that brings its own stresses and strains on its own)

I do find it tough sometimes as I dont know where I fit in. On the one hand it has NOTHING to do with me but on the other hand I am supporting OH through difficult times with cudtody battles.

When I have been in the company of OH's parents (son's grandparents) I find it even harder.

Are they judging me?
SHould I do something with child?
Should I express opinions?

Aaargh!!

[bobella]

I've got new born and partner won residency of his toddler two days before we had our baby. Toddler v. difficult behaviour - always testing and partner far too soft on him. I feel he hardly spends time with our child as always giving attention to toddler. I'm always bad guy regarding discipline and teaching right from wrong, but i'm only one toddler listens to and behaves for. Don't want to be evil step mother. Don't have any feelings towards toddler other than resentment that the situation is ruining what should be a very special time. Partner and I arguing about it. We never argue.
This isn't the family life i expected when fell pregnant. Residency not on cards.
Will this get easier? or harder as he gets older and his mother can influence him more?

Is it wrong to ask to spend decent quality time together as a family without his toddler being there? He may be 'part' (forced on me in my eyes) of the family but I need time to adjust and our baby needs to get to know daddy without a whinging toddler attached to him... any advise?

[random]

Bobella ....What a poor poor toddler sorry but he is part of your family ... did you not know your dp already had a son ?

[fourkids]

bobella,

I can't offer any advice regarding the first part of your post - except to say that I think everyone would understand how hard this is for you. It's hard having a new born baby at the best of times!

What i would say, though, is that at this stage DSS probably needs his father's attention more than a new born baby and would probably notice it more than the baby if it was lacking. This must be a very hard time for DSS, as well as for you and DP. You probably need to stick with it a while, while things settle down. that said, i don't think it would be unreasonable to explain to DP that DC needs him too...and so do you. In a nice way

But, yes imo it is 'wrong to ask to spend decent quality time together as a family without his toddler being there'. DSS is an equal part of your family. And I would think it will only get better over time if you can find a way to feel about him and treat him as such.

Does he go to his mother's at weekends or anything? So do you actually get time alone then?

What might be reassuring to know is that in reality this probably isn't very different to any family with a new baby and a toddler. The striking thing that is different is only really your feelings to the older child. It is normal for families to get turned upside down a bit when a baby arrives - and jealousy can come from all corners...DH, DW or older DCs.

Hopefully someone will come along who has been in a very similar situation to you and can offer more practical advice...

[bobella]

Thanks for messages... yes i knew he had son and he loves his son dearly, as he should. One day I'd like to too.
Yes I do feel sorry for toddler and obviously don't show resentment to him. I do a lot with toddler. Its just frustrating as I don't feel he's got the same bond with our child as he has with son. I know he loves our baby. Maybe you're right and toddler needs more time and attention. I just don't want this precious 'baby' time that can't be got back to be missed by daddy. Becoming a Mum felt so natural and your love is there from the moment you find out you're expecting... being a step mum is much harder.

[pixie70]

Hi there, I am new to this, but am very glad to finally find others who are in the same boat as me, I just wish I had known about this when I was pregnant. I have 2 small step children and cannot deal with it. I had no idea what I was getting into and like some of you, would have thought about it long and hard before committing to this man. I had my own baby 7 months ago and it has been very hard from the get go. My partner said he was OK to have one child and then when I got pregnant (quite quickly as it goes) he totally distanced himself from me, like I had done something wrong. He didn't find pg women attractive apparently. He didn't want to come to the classes, or the appointments, I had to force him. I cried for most of the 9 months, when I thought it was going to be the most magical time. Then, when I was kicked out early from the hospital after a Caesarian section (thanks NHS) he wasn't around as he was with his kids and wouldn't come and get me as there was no one else to look after them - which I later found out was untrue as plenty of family members had offered.... I had to come home in a taxi, with no childseat, holding my 2 day old baby on a pillow, my first night was spent terrified, with a screaming newborn and my elderly mother. I have never forgiven him.
I resent my stepsons. I am a compassionate and caring person, but for some reason I cannot summon up any feelings for them. They are still very young, but as I have had little to no experience with kids I just find them intrusive and irritating. Unfortunately my partners ex wife is not a very stable person. Every so often (usually every 6 months) she will have some sort of episode, brought on by drink and my partner will have to rush to the house they used to share worried that she may have harmed herself in some way (which she has done). The last time this happenned my baby was only a few weeks old and she was begging him to come back to her. His ex parents in law asked only last week if there was any chance he would go back, we have been together 3 years. I have actually asked him to leave and go back as I thik that it might make life easier for everyone! The situation is an endless source of arguments for me and my partner. I dread the weekends when the step kids come to say (every other weekend). I just detach myself as I always get accused of having a pop, although I don't but the ex already has names for me and I am sure she is saying stuff to the kids about me.
How can I deal with these kids, when they are over they ignore me, I say hello, they just act like I'm not there, sometimes it is ok, and I know I should be the adult here, but I have no idea where to start?
sorry for the rant, but this is 2 years of built up frustration with no one to talk to about it!! would consider leaving but now have to think of my child being with his dad. any advice would be appreciated!

[ChocHobNob]

How awful To me, it doesn't sound like the problem is actually the SC, it sounds like it's your partner. To not come and pick you up from the hospital when you had been discharged after having his child is ... just ...

If your partner doesn't respect you, then the children wont. What does he do when they ignore you? Does he pick them up on it and tell them it isn't acceptable?

From an outsiders point of view, it does seem you would all be better off apart. And I know that's a hard thing to propose but your baby can't grow up thinking it's normal for his Dad to think him and his Mum come last.

I might be totally wrong. I don't have actual experience of this but you sound so sad, your little one living with separate parents and a happy Mum sounds an improvement. x

[mrshibbins]

yes, i guess when you fall in love with a man who has a child or children by another woman, you have to be prepared to become a full-time stepmum at any time... and that's what happened to me. would i still have gone through with it had I known just how hard it was going to be ??? I simply don't know...

what I do know is that some days it all seems easy and okay, and i can feel genuine affection for my SD. other days, sometimes weeks at a time, i just don't like her at all and find it very difficult to cope with that feeling. i think that she takes after her BM in many aspects of her personality, and she's a very vain, often spiteful, attention seeking and vacuous child with not much going on up top. just lately she's started lying about pretty much everything (another thing her BM is very good at). i always challenge this and i've tried to get to the bottom of this, but just think she's doing it because she can (she's just turned 8)

i know it can't be much fun having an alcoholic and absent BM, and i am trying my very very best to do the 'right thing' and to do the 'nuture' bit to try to keep her on track, and also try very very very hard never to let my feelings (or lack of them) show, but i find myself wondering ... when she's an adult, whether she'll be the kind of person who i actually like at all ...

i just so wish her BM would pull herself together ... we don't have any extended family around and I rarely ever get any time off for me and OH to just be a couple...

[Wymee]

I'm new to this, but so glad to find people in similar situation at long last, close friends have birth children and don't understand the complexities of being the third parent.

SS living with us for past 6 years. He's now 16 and reverted to the behaviour that existed when I first came on the scene. Part of it I'm sure is natural teenage rebellion, but part of it is just reverting to the obnoxious young person that he was when I first met him, staying out till all hours, don't know where he is). DH sees no problem with him coming home at 3am , thinks I'm one with the problem

I was aware of my feelings for him at the beginning and had said to DH, that I didn't want him living with us, circumstances forced my hand & I decided to do the right thing. Now I've had enough and can't wait for SS to leave home.

To all who are in similar situations hang on in there, you're not alone

[hpsauce123]

Ive been married for 8 years but still feeling confused about my role with my step children!
My hubby is too soft with his kids and i think thats because he feels guilty for leaving them even though the wife kicked him out!
The children are manipulative and clever and use their father like a bank! They are very cheeky to me and an example is when the boy comes round he will go thru my drawers which i find really intrusive.
When i ask my hubby to discipline them he says they only come to see him every 3 weeks and does not want to drive them away!
I regrt marrying him had i known life would be so stressful and feel depressed all the time!!
Any advice out there i wud be so grateful!!

[prettyfly1]

Have to say have kept it quiet over last week or so whilst decided what to do but actually have seperated from partner despite being pregnant because I really cant do the child care thing for his son.

Tried and tried for a year but I dont have it in me - its not the childs fault, its mine. Like all steps he is tough but I have just had enough of it and I dont have what it takes to give him what he needs- we have him fifty percent of the time btw. There were other issues but the real crux was his son. Like many others on here we argued constantly over it but I felt that it was unfair to keep trying to raise a child (almost one hundred percent of the time ) that I had no feelings for at all other then serious annoyance when he bullied my own younger child so had to take the choice to walk away.

He needs a step who can provide the care and stability he desperately craves and needs I guess so to those of you who are hanging in there well done - it takes someone amazing to raise another womans child particularly under the difficult circumstances we all often face with manipulative and controlling exes.

[Hammy01]

Prettyfly1 - How are you doing?
That cannot have been easy to do. I know as a SM that every weekend I think how much easier my life would be not having to deal with DSS tantrums, refusal to play with my DS, constantly fighting and biting my DS, screaming in my face o the list goes on. And like you said in your post, you and DH argue over SC.
I didn't want to read and run and I can totally sympathise with you. Its the most thankless position to be in and as hard as it is to reason in your head that its not the childs fault, you cannot help the way your feeling and the impact that this has on you all.
Have you talked to your DP? Can he understand your point of view?
Sorry, I don't really know your circumstances but I just wanted to send a virtual hug as I know how tough it is being a SM, as well as a mum, partner/wife and everything else!
If you need a chat I'll be hopping on and off MN...at work so I have to be careful!

[moondog]

Bloody hell Bobella, what hope does that poor little child have with someone like you on the scene.
Maybe your partner should have thoguht a bit more about having a baby while he still had a baby on the scene.

Bloody hell, that is going to be one messed up little person.

[madmissy]

thats a bit harsh isnt it?

having a sc live with you and knowing that they are part of a life is very different