Help the step children are coming this weekend!

[squirrel3]

Help! the step-children are coming this weekend and I am dreading it. I have been a step-mum for nearly 4 years and sometimes its ok but most of the time its awful. I don?t know if its me, my DP, the kids, the ex?s interference or all of it!!! It feels like the kids take over the entire house when they arrive and my son and I are made to feel like outsiders in our own home. We have tried to be part of the chaos but with very little success. I can?t explain it, they are very close, so close that it?s almost exclusive and I always feel shut-out. I feel like I am a visitor not a permanent part of their life. I have tried so hard to be part of it. The ex hates me (don?t really know why, she left him for a much younger man 2 years before I met him) and I think that colours the way the kids see me, DP won?t even admit to them that he loves me! SD saw us holding hands once and she said to DP ?you love her don?t you?? to which he replied ?I don?t think so!? CRIKEY DID THAT HURT!! It feels like when the kids are here DP almost distances himself from me so as not to hurt them. I must add that when the kids are not here he is a caring, loving Partner or I don?t think I would put myself through this! Don?t know what I can do to change things

No, you are not awful, infact you sound lovely. You may be struggling with the step-mum thing but we all do you are not alone!! it doen't make you a bad person it just means that you are trying sooo hard to make it work for all concerned an awful person wouldn't give a !!!

Thanks so much Squirrel, its so good to talk to people who understand. The only thing im worried about is that I have been trying so hard for so long with no reward and I have just exhausted myself, I think that is why I no longer feel like trying. Too much pain for no gain!

How long have you been a step-mum? I've been the 'wicked step-mum@ for nearly 4yrs now and it is still hard, and I know I have just had a positive wkend with the SK's but I know next time things could be right back to square one!

Ive been "stepmum" for nearly 3 years now. Are you and your partner married or just living together? We are only engaged although BM does not know that we are (another kick in the teeth that he wont tell her, why?). The last time we had the 2 youngest it went quite well so I can relate to your weekend. However, I say it went quite well in as much as I didnt get told by skids that I was horrible or that they hated me or got kicked or punched too much (boy gets a bit agressive when hes bored or p*ed off). Next weekend could be a completely different ball game. How often do you have your skids? As ive said in previous posts, we can only have ours once a month due to the fact that they live 200 miles away and it is an 800 mile round trip just to have them for 4 days!

Sadsam, DP and I just live together he refuses to get married again (he's been married twice before)We have the youngest two one ev during the week (pick up from school or home afternoon, overnight then take them to school next morn) then every other wkend (Fri afternoon to Sun ev, sometimes overnight then school Mon morn)The older two from the first marriage we don't see as often as we would like only once a month or so but we do talk to them on the phone every couple of days.

Your DP needs to talk to SS about hurting you when play fighting!!! Its nice that he feels able to have that pysical contact with you though, it is a kind of affection, but he shouldn't hurt you!!!!

Squirrel, I have tried speaking to DP about SS behaviour, but he says he is just being a typical kid. A year or so ago, he punched me in the face (just under my eye) and left a mark all because he didn't get his own way about something! I have tried to say that it is not right that he hits out, but I get the same "hes just a kid" comment. Im sure he doesnt mean it personally at me, he just gets cobs on when he doesnt get his own way and hits out. He does it with his older brother too, difference is brother hits him back! I couldnt and wouldnt do that! SD is strange aswell, when shes upset about something, she pinches!! but fortunately shes only little, so it doesnt hurt and I just make a joke of it and say "dont pinch sweetheart".

sadsam, I'm afraid that your DP's attitude towards the SK's violence towards you is unacceptable! Violence is is exactly what is is if they are hitting out when they cannot get their own way!!! It is not normal behaviour.

It would be interesting to see if they do that at home with BM or more worrying is BM like that with them?

Their father needs to address this issue quickly, in my experience violence can be a 'learned' behaviour, if they are experiencing it at home they will act it out elsewhere.

Sorry if that is harsh, but it does need to be ruled out.

Sorry about the last msg but I was 'foster mum' to a child who was 'written off' as a trouble maker at school (and just about everywhere else) until my DD brought her home for me to 'sort out'. We talked and talked for weeks and eventually she opened up about what was happening at home. She showed me the bruises, and the trauma and pain in her eyes told me she was telling the truth, and social services were involved, this girl that everybody had written off was such a delight as the frustration and anger left her.

Your SK's behaviour just rang a few alarm bells for me.

I'm probably wrong about BM, maybe their frustration is about something else, could you talk to them?

Squirrel, I think they are the same at home, but BM is a bit more disciplined. If ss hit her, she would hit him back. She often phones up (normally when drunk)and says that she cant cope with his behaviour, that he is terribly naughty, rude, throws tantrums etc.

For all BMs faults (and she has a few) I dont believe that she would abuse kids. I didn't really want to bring it up, but we did have a situation a while ago where BMs boyfriend was hitting/picking on SS and he kept ringing up crying. She denied anything was going on and said they were only playfighting until she got hit too and when DP found out he called the police (she didnt want the police called). He was arrested and I believe they have not seen him since as she dropped the charges because she said she didnt want to "drag the children through the courts"

I knew something wasn't 'quite' right. It sounds like the SK's have had a lot to deal too! No wonder they are frustrated and angry!

You could be a godsend to those kids, a bit of stability in a very unstable inviroment. Please hang on in there, they need you.

You do need to make sure they know that any violence is not acceptable though and you have to get your DP to back you up.

I'm really sorry, Ive got to go (DD and GS have arrived) I am thinking of you, talk to you later.

{{{{{hug}}}}}

Thanks so much for your kind words Squirrel, have a lovely day and take care x

sadsam, hope you are ok, did you talk to DP about Sk's hitting out?

Hi Squirrel, Ive tried (amongst lots of other things) to talk to him about it, but it hasnt got me anywhere. He doesnt understand, and then I feel like crap for trying to tell him how to bring up his children when he already feels very guilty for not seeing them more often. How are you getting on with your DP?

Sorry, he's not listening to you, don't know what advice to give you just yet, I'll think on it.

Feel like crap today too!! Just found out that SS (from 1st marriage) problems are because he has a drug problem!! Not down to depression as I thought. BM wants to throw him out, DP wants him to live with us. I don't want a teenager with a drug problem living in my house. I don't want to expose my son to it, (he's already put up with a lot in his life, my daughter is pysically disabled and suffered from servere depresion because of it, it was really hard for him)We don't have room, why should my son have to share his room with a 'druggie'? He has never had to share before, its always been 'his space'.

Just failed an exam at collage because I couldn't stop thinking about it!

Spring has sprung, but so has my hayfever!!! Atchooo, atchooo!!!

Sorry end of rant!!!

Hi Squirrel, I am so sorry to hear about your ss. You really just dont need that with your own problems in your life. To be honest if I was you I would put my foot down with DP and say no. You have your own children to think about, and it is a risk having a drug addict influencing your children. I know that sounds harsh, but I have a half brother who was into drugs and it totally messed up and split our family up! I really think you should do whats best for you, hes BMs responsibility, let her deal with it. You have to think of you and your childrens happiness. xx

Ok, that?s it, I?ve had enough!! Having a really bad weekend, I AM TRYING SOOOOO HARD!!! Easter eggs galore, little presents, BBQ yesterday because I know they like them (usually) Magazines, A day out at the Circus and fun-fair today, SD wanted to make her mum, baby half-brother and her step-dad an Easter card each so I showed her how to make some really nice ones on the computer, tried to spend some time with SD doing ?girlie? things and just generally tried to be a smiley, happy step-mum. Have they appreciated any of it? No way have they!!! They have just ?grunted? at everything, moaned at everything and generally been a pain in the @#$*!.

Sorry for the rant!!

This is squirrel, (exhausted, broke and fed-up) signing off for now!!!

Phew! That feels better.

I really don?t know why they are so ungrateful, my own two (now grown up) always loved getting treats!! Maybe because I was a single mum and money was tight they appreciated any treats when they got them. The Skids are getting treats all of the time, they are spoilt by their BM then when we have them DP spoils them (down to guilt because he is not there everyday I think) so treats and days out are the norm.

Been looking around my home this morning and its going to take all day to clean the chocolate finger prints off the walls, doors and furniture etc, surely they should be out of the ?sticky fingers? stage at 9 and 13?

Grrrrrrrrr! Sasaratsa Sasaratsa!!!!!!

Sorry, I think the insanity is kicking in!

Oooer, there are some men in white coats knocking on my door....

They want me to wear a jacket. Huh, hardly a fashion statement, mind you there are some pretty, shinny buckles on the back!!!

Good job I can laugh about it (or is that the insanity again?)

Hello, is there anyone out there?

This pppadded cell is qquite nice realllly, the only trouble is they?ve ppadded the cccomputer too and mmmy fingers keep bbbouncing!

Any other Mums nutters want to join me??

Hiya Squirrel!!! Hope the men in white suits haven't taken you away just yet

I know exactly how you feel, I go out of my way to do everything possible to please my skids, I change my life to please them, and I spend loads of money on them just to keep them happy (Im not complaining, I enjoy treating them), but I get no thank yous, pleases, hugs, kisses, or Id even settle for just a grateful smile. BM does a tiny thing and she gets loads of praise and thanks, but then I guess she IS their mum and Im not!

Ive come to the conclusion that Im not going to change, I will still continue to do the things that I think are right, and that make me feel good, because I do believe that one day they will look back and appreciate it....... and if nothing else....... my DP DOES appreciate it and that means more to me than anything! Chin up hun xxx

Yep, your right my DP kept on thanking me and giving me hugs INFRONT of the Skids this weekend! Kinda mmmadde (ooops ttthe fingers are bbouncing again) it kinda made all of the effort worthwhile.

Thats great and at the end of the day... it gets dark...... no seriously, thats all that matters. We chose to be with our DPs not their kids, they are just part of the package, rough with the smooth etc. God damn, I feel good today, so positive about everything!!!! :O

Me too!!

But then I think thats the insanity again!!

Sam, are we the only step-mums nutters out there today? It's eerily quiet!!

Yeah and its a Tuesday but the equivelant of a Monday.......

Can you have a step-mums nutter (SMN) club with only two members?