It so hard being a Stepmum

[SadSam]

Hi there, Im new to this site and just thought I would introduce myself and my thoughts.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he has 3 children from a previous relationship (they werent married). They are 16,8 and 6. I love them to bits but I am so sad as I long for them to love me back. I get no affection, love, kindness or respect from them and it cuts me to the quick. I know I will never be loved like they love their parents but just maybe a thank you when I cook for them or buy them a gift, a "goodnight Sam" when they are going to bed, or a cuddle or smile of appreciation would mean so much to me.

I know it is hard for step children to come to terms with new families, but I had nothing at all to do with the breakup of their parents (they were seperated for 3 years before I met him) and I do try my hardest. A lot of the problem is his ex, she is a bit of an nightmare sometimes and phones up drunk shouting abuse at us. She has also threatened to stop him seeing the kids, which I think is awful as he only sees them once a month as it is (they live over 200 miles away).

It hurts me terribly to see what he has with his kids and what he had with his ex. I would dearly love a baby of my own with him (I dont have any kids) but he doesnt want that due to how she (his ex) would react. She will turn the kids against us (she is great at doing that) and tell them that he only loves his new child and not them. She already tells them that he has too much love for me and not enough for them which is absolutely crazy, hes not changed since meeting me.

I feel like my whole life is on hold because of her, I cannot have a child because of her, even getting married (which trust me we will do) will be a nightmare as they were never married. If we go on holiday on our own, she tells the kids he doesnt love them enough to take them (even though we take them away every year).

I dont know what to do, do I keep feeling miserable and not have a baby of my own, or do I have a baby and risk him losing the 3 he already has? I would never forgive myself if that happened. Im not wanting a baby just to be even, I want one because im 34 and I feel time is running out, I also feel that for the first time in my life I have found the man that I want to have as my childs father. Perhaps if I received a little bit of affection or love from his kids then I wouldn't feel like I have something lacking in my life so much.

Please can anyone help me. I dont want to carry on being miserable, but I cant help the way I feel, I feel as if my life is passing me by and im just living my boyfriends life. Please tell me that even after 3 years it gets better. Thanks for reading this. Sam x

Hi everyone, thank you all so much for your comments and kind words. I have had a horrible weekend, things have totally erupted all because of BM. We were supposed to have skids this weekend and drove 200 miles to pick them up only to be told that it should be next weekend and that WE got it wrong. We have 2 witnesses that this weekend was agreed with her but its still US that got it wrong not her! Hence we had a totally wasted journey, 400 miles for nothing. We suggested having skids anyway (she hadnt planned anything for them) but she got so mouthy, shouting, f'ing and blinding at us that she got the kids upset and crying and they said they didnt want to come with us. This devestated my DP as his son has NEVER EVER said he didn't want to come with us before. DP phoned her when he got home to try and sort things out as we can't have skids next weekend as he is working. She started swearing down the phone at him saying that if he doesnt have them next weekend then she wont let him see them ever again! She has also found out (from the eldest SS snooping through our drawers/cupboards) that we have got engaged and she got stroppy about that saying that we should have told the 2 youngest skids (told her more like it, as they wouldnt even know what engaged is!). There is far more that I cant even think straight enough to mention at the moment, but lets just say he was on the phone with her for over 2 hours while she hurled abuse, slagging me off, telling him hes a crap father and that she is taking him to court to ban him from ever seeing kids again. Bring it on I say, she wouldnt stand a chance, banned for drink driving, her alcoholism, her loser boyfriends who abuse and scare the kids, her benefit fraud......... and thats just for starters!!! She has totally ruined this weekend and she will be ruining next weekend for us too. I just totally feel sick and hurt at the thought of some of the things she has said, the lies, the nastiness. I said to DP this evening, if this is the way she acts about us being engaged, how the hell is she going to act when we get married and have a child of our own!! DP turned to me and said "I dont give a s**t what she thinks about what we want to do and she cant stand in the way of our plans anymore" I got myself so worked up and upset that I think it has really scared DP. He is so worried that Im going to leave him and believe me I dont want to, but I dont want 3 in this relationship either. I know what some of you say about, you cant let the BM rule your life and plans, but it is so hard, especially when they are as cruel, nasty and manipulative as this one! She has now told skids that "daddy doesnt want to see you next weekend" making them more upset and upsetting DP. He has to now change work plans for next weekend so that he doesnt let them down, not to mention another lot of petrol for travelling down there again. DP has even said now that although he doesnt want to let skids down he is tempted to not go anyway out of principal, otherwise she has won again! Why should we suffer for HER cock up? The number of times that we have had to change our plans for her at the last minute, but when we ask her to do it for us she wont! Valentine, you hit the nail on the head, its so true, you cant understand why DP was happy to have kids with ex but not with you! However, if one good thing has come out of this awful weekend, it is that I NOW FINALLY KNOW that DP DOES want a baby with me and its now a matter of WHEN not IF! I truly know that he loves me and the more she does like this the more he hates her guts. He cant even sometimes muster the energy to ring the kids because if she answers she gives him such a hard time (and I mean hard time, hes no wimp, but she is so unbelievably nasty and callous) that he cant be bothered. Hes going to get ss a mobile so that he can ring/text him direct instead of going through her each time! I feel awful when she tells him that perhaps if he wasnt with me then he would see a bit more of his kids. I never stop him seeing his kids, he still sees them as much now as he did before I knew him. I have tried to be such a good stepmum, but now I know its HER fault that the skids treat me the way they do, not theirs. She blatantly lies to us and says that they have moaned about something, and when we ask them, they know nothing about it. These poor kids are being treated appallingly and are being torn in the middle! They are believing the lies she tells them about us and yet we have NEVER badmouthed her to them, even when she has been a total bitch, we dont say anything to them!

Anyway I am so sorry to go on, but I really had to get this all off my chest, Im so upset and angry, but hopefully some good between me and my DP has come out of it, perhaps shes done us a favour after all!!!! Thanks for all your advice and kind words, please keep them coming. Welcome Emma, sorry that my messages are a bit long (as you can see I get a bit carried away), but trust me it really does help, these wonderful people on here have been my lifeline lately, I dont know what I would have done without all their support and help. Thank you all xxx

SadSam and Emma have a {{{{{hug}}}} each. I've drunk too much vino right now to post anything coherent, but I will do tomorrow.

aw sadsam i feel for you,it must be awful what the ex is doing to you it must feel like she is controlling your life,but im glad it has brought you and your partner together you should stand united and he probably needs you so much right now.you sound like a lovley person much better than his ex by the sounds of things and im sure that makes him realise that he would want kids with you because you have stood by him through all of his pain,she sounds like a right cow and it sounds like she thinks of herself more than her own kids ,keep doing what your doing even if it is hard at times and you will earn the respect in the end from your partner and your skids when they are old enough to realise what their mum is doin to their dad. hugs and kisses xxxx

Valentine, thank you once again for your kind words. Things are no different with BM at the moment, she has still said that if DP doesn't go and see them this weekend then he is never seeing them again. She says that the only reason hes not wanting them this weekend is because we have "plans" and that we are being selfish putting our plans before the kids. We actually have no plans at all this weekend, we just cant afford another lot of petrol to go down there after it was wasted because of her last weekend. Also with it being bank holiday weekend, the traffic is going to be crap and he doesnt fancy being sat in traffic even longer than the 2 and a half hours it already takes each way. He has said he will have them Weds to Sat as a compromise and stay with them at his parents instead of bringing them back here (although it is a bit of a squeeze as 3 of them will have to share a bedroom), but that is not good enough for her, as she obviously has "plans" for the weekend and still wants him to have them Friday - Monday (even though hes back to work Monday). I give up, she is just not a woman you can reason with. I prey for the day when there will be only 2 in this relationship not 3!

i posted on another thread about Family Mediation Service - they are set up to arrange diputes between families when it comes to things like visitation rights - the aim is that you do this so that it doesn't end up in court, which is costly and also potentailly emotionally damaging for everyone.
i found this website:
www.nfm.u-net.com/
another website i found online giving support to dads who are being denied access to their kids by ex's:
www.dads-uk.co.uk
good luck - it's really hearbreaking and shameful this kind of behaviour from some women.

Thanks Valleygirl, I am learning a hell of a lot from websites. I found a great website today www.coeffic.demon.co.uk/pas.htm it has opened my eyes to the behaviour of BMs. There is apparantly a "syndrome" called PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) that causes BMs to try and "brainwash" their kids into not wanting to spend time with their father/stepmother. It is recognised in the courts now and the main behaviour patterns of the mother are:- Arguing, hostile silence, restricted communication, no communication and hostile action! PAS is apparently most common in women with a history of emotional illness, in most cases the mother needs help and apparently only a small percentage of mothers who indulge in PAS are normal, stable and independant. Medically PAS is a form of emotional child abuse, legally PAS is recognised as a behaviour pattern for "brainwashing"!

Sorry to diversify a bit off this post, but I found this website intriguing and would recommend that anyone who has problems with BM to read it! xx

Well only half a glass of wine so far, so here's the coherent post!

SadSam - I'm so sorry you had such an awful time. You have to go so far to get them in a weekend, and to not allow them to come is just unbelievably callous. I've been slagged off by BM and I just completely detach myself from it. I always look at it that nothing she says counts because it's her. If it was a friend or acquaintance then it might hurt or have some effect, but she will only upset or hurt me if I let her and I won't. God, I probably sound so together about it all, I didn't used to be as I had never come across someone like BM before - no-one had ever said things to or about me that she had, so I guess it threw me. But I realised that dsd is going to be around forever through dh, so I had to find some way of coping with it.

I'm so pleased for you though that your dh has said he wants a baby with you. Don't let her divide you.

It's wearing isn't it having to cope with all this. If I can give you a little hope, we've been through very similar things and now, 5 years down the line, I have to say that things are more settled (although we still have occasional eruptions), and dh even got invited in last week when he went to pick dsd up. He's had about 3 years of having the door shut in his face until dsd appeared and before that having to meet in a car park (oh and before that at a police station as her then partner had assaulted dh).

Have you decided about next weekend yet?

Sadsam - you poor thing. She sounds dreadful. Your poor dp as well. Just what is it that this woman thinks she is achieving exactly. Clearly these are the actions of a very unhappy person. At least you and dp have each other (and in due course, your own children as well).

All I can say is that she will take up as much space in your head as you let her. Do try and do some other stuff as she really is not worth you being this unhappy. Also, as united as you and dp are, remember that he needs to sort this out, and you can't. I thought I could "help" for years, but it has been a lot easier now I've realised I can't! It also means I can give better support to dp as I'm as not worn out from it all as I used to be.

Let us know how this weekend is looking? Big hug to you.

Hello Emma and welcome. As you can see there's lots of us in the same position so you'll get lots of empathy here.

It does seem ridiculous to me that your dp is getting into debt while over paying maintenance. I can understand him wanting to provide for his child but not if he can't afford it. Is she saying that if he reduces the payments she'll stop him seeing his child? She can't, he would be able to get a Court Order - and the Courts clearly say that maintenance payments and seeing your child are not linked.

Oh don't start me on this one!!! Dp has paid maintenance, and a more than decent amount for years while BM has claimed benefits on the basis that he doesn't pay a penny. Now the CSA have "caught up with him" and he is going through all the various hearings but the outcome is going to be that he will have to pay thousands and thousands of pounds that he doesn't owe!!!!

No way! . Has he been paying a lot less than he would through the CSA?

Dh's x was paying by private arrangement while she claimed benefits, but he then got sent CSA forms. We don't know if it was her instigation or the benefits agency (we'll give her benefit of the doubt). However, she did tell them that he hadn't paid a thing. Trouble was he had proof in statements as he was paying her by standing order, so they took it into account, then reduced his payments by a quarter.

(And before anyone starts he has an open offer to buy anything dsd needs in addition to his CSA payments!)

Beansprout, isn't there proof via bank statements etc of the money he has paid her?

Hey! Aloha, Aloha! How's it going?

He has been paying more. He basically pays £250 a month for food, bills etc and then buys everything she needs on top of that - school stuff, holidays, presents, clothes etc etc.
It was a private arrangement and he won't inform the CSA of the full extent as he is scared that BM will get done for benefit fraud.
He is going for the "shared care" argument.

Fine! Dh's ex had a good sneer at dd's name of course, and phoned dh up to tell him how upset his daughter was that we had another child (um, so we'll just send her back then, eh?) - when in fact, she fell in love with her at first sight and keeps asking to hold her and dress her etc, and we are all very, very happy. DD is gorgeous but I MUST go to bed as she will be up wanting a feed before I know it!

There is proof but he won't tell the truth. Is just too scared she will be prosecuted and the effect that would have on sd.

The CSA won't prosecute her, I'm sure. You could always ring them up anonymously and present the case 'theoretically' to them - they are quite good like that (though crap in every other way, obviously).
You can't let him reduce you to bankruptcy over this! What about telling his ex that he has proof of the payments but if he reveals them she will get prosecuted so she needs to call off the CSA somehow?

Aloha - dsd was the same. Totally in love with dd from the moment she was born. They idolise each other and it's like me and my shadow when dsd is here. It's lovely to see them together playing happily, and it just makes me realise that it doesn't matter to them any of the history, who is whose mum, etc, they love each other and that's that. BM isn't happy "I'm fed up of surferbaby this and surferbaby that". Tough luck!

That's a good suggestion from Aloha about ringing them with a theoretical question. The CSA aren't the benefits agency though, although they're all connected. We queried with them why BM had a zero assessment as she and her partner were working, they told dh that according to their records she was on benefits. They said they wouldn't be doing anything about it and told him to ring the Fraud Line if he thought she was claiming fraudulently.

Poor you, he's been doing the right thing and gets slaughtered for it.

He's basically a bit scared of her tbh. He will never contradict her or argue with her. We have argued about this so many times but he is convinced that declaring all of this will have a detrimental effect on his dd and he just won't do it. And believe me, I've tried to persuade him!!!

Isn't guilt an amazing thing?

He didn't phone the Fraudline btw! Same reason as you beany - for the sake of the children.

Hi Surfermum and Beansprout, thanks for your kind messages!

DP put his foot down about this weekend and said that he was not prepared to go all the way back down there again during the bank holiday traffic and that he would come down this Wednesday (tomorrow), stay at his mums with them and take them back Saturday morning. When he suggested it at the weekend she went bolistic and said no, however, he phoned her last night and she was like a different person, all sweetness and light. She said that Weds-Sat was fine but then when she put SS on phone he started crying and saying he didnt want to see him Weds! BM came back on phone as nice and pie and said oh well I will have to try and "butter him up" and we havent heard from them since! So Im not sure, I still think she is brainwashing him into not wanting to go with DP. He has never been like that before and always wants to see his daddy!

Has anyone had a look at the websites that I mentioned yet about Parental Alienation Syndrome? I really think thats what BM is suffering from. Shes sick, how can anyone be hurling abuse down the phone one minute then nice as pie the next?

Ahhhh Benefit fraud, my favourite subject...... Same situation to most of you, DP has always been very tempted to dob BM in about the fact that she is claiming all the benefits but working for cash in hand on the side! Hes always chickened out at the last minute because he didnt want the kids to suffer. However, after all the crap weve been through with her the last couple of weeks, he has now said that one more bit of crap from her and he is going to report her straight away!

Sadsam hello, glad things seem to be looking up for you (for the time being anyway, make the most of it) my DP's ex no2 is exactly the same as far as slagging me and ex no1 off one minute then wondering why ex1 and I get on but we can't get on with her, its mad (and infuriating)isn't it!!

Hi Squirrel, yes it drives you mad doesn't it!!! How are things going your end? I am trying to be a little more tolerant now as after having a huge row/heart to heart with DP this weekend, I realised that none of this is his fault and he wants things to be better as much as I do. Have you managed to sort things with your DP yet?