It so hard being a Stepmum

[SadSam]

Hi there, Im new to this site and just thought I would introduce myself and my thoughts.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he has 3 children from a previous relationship (they werent married). They are 16,8 and 6. I love them to bits but I am so sad as I long for them to love me back. I get no affection, love, kindness or respect from them and it cuts me to the quick. I know I will never be loved like they love their parents but just maybe a thank you when I cook for them or buy them a gift, a "goodnight Sam" when they are going to bed, or a cuddle or smile of appreciation would mean so much to me.

I know it is hard for step children to come to terms with new families, but I had nothing at all to do with the breakup of their parents (they were seperated for 3 years before I met him) and I do try my hardest. A lot of the problem is his ex, she is a bit of an nightmare sometimes and phones up drunk shouting abuse at us. She has also threatened to stop him seeing the kids, which I think is awful as he only sees them once a month as it is (they live over 200 miles away).

It hurts me terribly to see what he has with his kids and what he had with his ex. I would dearly love a baby of my own with him (I dont have any kids) but he doesnt want that due to how she (his ex) would react. She will turn the kids against us (she is great at doing that) and tell them that he only loves his new child and not them. She already tells them that he has too much love for me and not enough for them which is absolutely crazy, hes not changed since meeting me.

I feel like my whole life is on hold because of her, I cannot have a child because of her, even getting married (which trust me we will do) will be a nightmare as they were never married. If we go on holiday on our own, she tells the kids he doesnt love them enough to take them (even though we take them away every year).

I dont know what to do, do I keep feeling miserable and not have a baby of my own, or do I have a baby and risk him losing the 3 he already has? I would never forgive myself if that happened. Im not wanting a baby just to be even, I want one because im 34 and I feel time is running out, I also feel that for the first time in my life I have found the man that I want to have as my childs father. Perhaps if I received a little bit of affection or love from his kids then I wouldn't feel like I have something lacking in my life so much.

Please can anyone help me. I dont want to carry on being miserable, but I cant help the way I feel, I feel as if my life is passing me by and im just living my boyfriends life. Please tell me that even after 3 years it gets better. Thanks for reading this. Sam x

Hi again Spanish, yeah the discipline thing I find hard. I would bring my kids up a lot different to how his have been brought up. He is very lenient with them, which isnt a bad thing, but hes never told them off or disciplined them since Ive known him. Dont get me wrong I dont believe in hitting a child, but you have to be firm with them and hes not, hes soft and gives in every time, for exactly the same reason, guilt. He wants them to enjoy their time and not go home upset. Their mum disciplines them quite hard and doesnt think twice about shouting and swearing at them or giving them a clout across the backside, so he says hes always been the passifier.

Hi SadSam,

Apologies - I can see what he is saying but will 2 years really make much difference? I think he is likely to be a daddy's boy till he hits his teens.

BUT those 2 years where your fertility & his fertility are concerned could mean a lot.

Our girls (my stepgirls) are 8 & 10 and beleive me the 10 year old is no more mature now than she was a year ago.....if anything she is more demanding and stroppy now! The 8 year old is more mature than her older sister. Sometimes it depends on personality & not age.

Your partner could be gambling with those 2 years to find his son is still the same insecure little boy in 2 years time.

Maybe your partner could phone him more? (If he doesn't already) Maybe email him and interact with on a weekly even daily basis?

Does your partner have a lot of contact with him in between seeing him?

Spanish26

Hiya,

Yep my partner is pretty lenient too! Well until now (see the conversation - how can I get my partner to value me as part of the family) - ignore the title - he does value me - I was just feeling a little sorry for myself that day!

Anyway, as long as he lets you discipline them and lets you be the parent you want to be then I suppose you have to let him do his thing.....just like me & my partner.

Hi Spanish - Yes hes does speak to his kids quite frequently, but it is difficult as his ex is an absolute bitch and comes on the phone and gives him a real hard time (she has a serious drink problem). Luckily, most of the time the boy answers the phone anyway. He tries to ring them every other day, but that is also difficult sometimes as he is in the military and often works shifts and nights and so if home in the day he cant ring them until they are home from school by which time he is back at work again!

Hiya, well it sounds like he is a good Dad. He sounds just like my partner actually.

A bit worrying about their mother though....are you sure they should even be with their mother if she has a drink problem?

As for you having your own child - at least it's on the cards and not a complete no no. As for the timing, maybe you could suggest that he gets on this website and asks other mothers if their children matured between 8 & 10.

Sounds like he is a good Dad who is just trying to do what he thinks is best.

And you sound like a Step mother / girlfreind that does a fantastic job and my hat goes off to the support you are giving him and his children.

Thank you so much for your kind words Spanish. He is a good dad and a loving boyfriend and I love him with all my heart. BM has a "part time" drink problem, I know that seems stupid but sometimes she is fine and other times she just goes totally off the rails. I do worry about the effect this will have on the kids, especially as the BMs father is an alcoholic too. However, I dont feel that they are mistreated in anyway, maybe just a bit misunderstood. She also claims for all the benefits under the sun but works on the side cash in hand. We have been so tempted to tell the benefits agency, but if the extra money gets spent on the kids then we dont want them to suffer! I do try and do my best, im by no means perfect and dont proclaim to be, but I do try my hardest to please everyone, its my nature its how ive always been, but sometimes I wish that I could be firmer and try and look out for myself and do what I want for a change, perhaps coming on here and talking to you lovely people may just give me the fire in my belly to do that. Thank you so much xx

Sam, just read your first message. I don't have time right now to read all the treads but I want you to know that my heart goes out to you. A stranger to your life should not have so much control. I will come back later and read through. Good luck and I hope that you have had lots of good advice xx

Thank you so much Reflection, it is so wonderful to have so much support and kindness from people. Thank you xxx

SadSam you sound lovely - and welcome to mumsnet. Don't just stick to this thread though the rest of mumsnet is great too! I'm a step-mum to a girl of 9 and have our own dd of 21m. Being a step-mum is far, far harder than being a mum and it sounds like you're doing a great job.

Try not to take it personally that they don't show you affection. I would say that if your dss play fights with you then that's affection of a sort - if he didn't like you he wouldn't do that. I get on really well with my dsd but I don't get any cuddles or kisses from her, and if she gives me a card she puts "from" and not "love from" (and even points it out!). She just doesn't show me affection in that way. When I first met her, her bm was extremely jealous of me and my relationship with her daughter. She accused me to getting dsd to call me "mummy" (I hadn't) and got it into her head that I couldn't have children and therefore wanted to take hers off her. Dh was even questioned on my fertility in Court during the contact proceedings (damn cheek). The x openly admits to discussing absolutely everything with dd - despite dh's protests - so she knows about her mum's feelings on this and I think she's just terribly loyal to her mum and maybe she somehow feels that if she loves me, cuddles me, etc its wrong and will upset her mum. When I look at it from her point of view it's totally understandable, she'll figure it all out for herself when she's older. Her bm has also told dh that dsd told her she doesn't like me. I was shocked and upset initially, but when I thought about it and how she is with me when she's here that certainly isn't the case. I then realised that if her mum is feeling insecure in her own relationshp with her dd, all dsd is doing is trying to reassure her mum.

.... or maybe I'm just kidding myself and I really am the wicked step-mother!

Hi Surfermum, thank you so much for your message. I dont think you sound like the wicked stepmum at all, in fact so sound so positive and sorted, I wish I could sound/feel like that. With regards to the "play fighting", yes I guess it could be classed as some kind of affection, but he hurts me when he does (hes a strong lad and very rough) and when I ask him to stop cos it hurts all I get is "God I hate you, its so unfair" etc etc. As for cards etc. Unfortunately I have never so much as received a Christmas or Birthday card from any of the kids (not even the 16 year old)! The girl wont even let me brush her hair and would rather go out with it looking stupid than let me touch it! All really petty things I know, but they just escalate and make me feel awful. I have just had a horrible weekend as we have had the 16 year old for a week and I just find it so hard. I try to be perfect in every way, but when you try and have a conversation and just get grunted at, and when I am constantly picking up after him etc I find it hard. I know hes just a typical teenager, but he isnt my typical teenager and I feel like I cant say anything to him like I could to my own son. I had a big argument with my DP last night because I just dont know if I can take anymore. DP doesn't show me any affection in front of the kids and we are not allowed to make love when they are with us. So I have just spent the last week feeling totally isolated and like a lodger in my own home. I know he does love me very much, but says he feels a bit uncomfortable showing me affection in front of them. I can only assume this is cos hes worried it will get back to BM and she'll get jelouse (which she will). He hasn't even told BM that we are engaged yet, and we got engaged nearly 14 months ago! He makes me feel like he is embarrassed or ashamed of me! He didn't even tell his parents until 4 weeks after we got engaged and we never had any cards or celebrations. That really hurt me as althought weve both been engaged before, I wanted it to be extra special this time and I thought he would have too. He doesn't even bring up the subject of marriage, although he did mention once about eloping abroad and getting married, but this to me seems to be another way of doing something without BM and skids knowing. Afterall, I would have liked the skids to have been at our wedding! Anyway, sorry to digress, but ive had an awful weekend and next weekend we have the 2 youngest skids to contend with. I used to really look forward to having them, but now I just dread it partly because of the 800 mile round trip to have them and partly because I just feel like a spare part when they are around. Thanks for your kind words once again and sorry to whinge on, but I just feel like im hitting a brick wall sometimes. Sam x

sadsam i feel for you from the heart, but upon reading this thread, there is something i'd liketo ask, if the youngest is 6 and you are with oyur boyfriend 3 yrs and you say they were separated 3 years prior to your meeting, did they break up on the birth or during the last pregnancy and why?
if the BM has a drink problem, there is a bigger problem/issue here, does she have a partner and is she 100% capable of looking after 3 children, if her problem gets worse will your boyfriend take over their welfare and have then live with you? your relatioship with him is 26 days amonth presently and 4 for the children could you cope with it more or even full time . surely he is concerned about the mothers drinking and the influence on the younger children?

this is someting you need to consider before having a baby with him, to know where his loyalty will be - i.e equally for all of you involved. you cant control the childrens feelings towards you, you may never have a relationship with them or you might one day get that big hello or smile that acknowledges you in their lives.

Hi Hermykne, I believe they split up when the youngest was only a few months old. BM ended it I think due to post natal depression she was going through. She had suffered 4 miscarriages and a stillbirth during their time together so I presume that had something to do with it.

The drinking only really started to be so bad after they split up. She has even been banned from driving for drinking and driving (with the kids in the car). DP still thinks however, that the kids are better off with her. The eldest boy lives with his nan so it is only the 2 youngest. I personally think she isnt a horrendous mother but I dont think she is a good one either.

To be honest, I think I would prefer it if the skids did live with us because then perhaps I could have more of a say on the way they were brought up.

they probably would, does your boyfriend see his ex's errors and how it might affect the children? surely they are v vunerable and maybe if you had more time with them things might improve, its so very hard foryou.

I have suggested it loads of times. But everytime BM does something stupid, he says "she would never see any harm come to the kids" and that really annoys me. It doesnt have to be physical harm, what about the emotional harm? I would have custody of the kids tomorrow although I dont think for one minute that the youngest girl would live with us, she is far too much of a mummys girl and doesnt even like staying with us for 4 days!

sadsam, this is truly terrible for you. the poor little 4 yr old. i dont know what to say but it does seem oyur dp needs some really good advice about he has and how not to lose it all.

Thanks for that Hermykne. I really sometimes just wish I could throw the towel in. I know that sounds selfish of me and like I am feeling really sorry for myself, but I am fed up with my life always being about other people and never about me. Im fed up with being "too nice", no more Mrs Nice Guy me thinks!

SadSam - I don't think you are being selfish or unfair at all. Just human!

sam not so sad i hope, how are things?

Hermykne, I am not so good, Im full of flu and last night had a huge row with DP about how Im feeling. He doesn't understand and its just escalated! He asked me if I want to finish it and I said I dont know. He asked me if I dont want to be with him anymore. I do want to be with him but not with "his situation" anymore. Now he thinks we should split up as he cant change "his siutation". I feel like crap now, and Loopthloop I feel even more selfish now. How can I even think of finishing with the man I adore just because it kills me everytime I have to see his kids. How can I think about ending a relationship with the man of my dreams just because hes not ready to have another baby yet? I am so selfish!

sadsam you are not selfish, you have to prioritise here, its you and him first then children, irrespective of whether the children are your or from another relationship.
the couple must work together, he really seems to be very unconsiderate to you.

maybe the next time the kids come you should go away for a break and see how things are with just him and them upon your return, it might be an inkling into what he really wants.

sadsam Just wanted to say that in NO WAY WHATSOEVER are you being selfish! There are two of you in this relationship and your dp needs to be much more sensitive and considerate of your feelings. I have had simular conversation with my dh, although he tried so very hard to try to understand my feelings at the end of the day no-one can understand unless they are in it themselves. I have been with my dh for 2 years (he has 6yrs old) and have only just began to get a handle on things, I still get very anxious when sd is due, I still feel envious of the 'special relationship' they have, and I still have alot of intense feeling to deal with, but the difference is now I DO deal with them and have taken some life saving advice from mumsnet users and that is to learn to detach myself.
Your dp needs to understand that you have needs to. What annoys me is that people say "you knew he had kids when you met him" or "you can't change the situation so accept it". The thing is, yes we all knew our partners had kids but what we had no way of knowing is how we were going to feel about it once we are in it up to our eyes!!. I think its your dp who is being incredibly selfish. You deserve to have out of life what you want and that to most of us is a baby / family of our own and a semi peaceful life and there is nothing selfish in that. What has your dp said to you? Has not tried to see things from your side? Remember YOU are a part of this family aswell and deserve to be happy!

Sadsam, really sorry to hear about your situation.
FWIW, my take on it is, as others have said, that if the BM is going to try and make your life a misery, she is going to do it anyway, it's just a case of what she is blaming at the time.
I really believe that your partner is very scared of the power he thinks this woman has. I speak from experience on this matter!!! She is being completely unreasonable and everyone is running around, unhappy in their own lives, just to try and keep her happy, which is not going to happen anyway, so what's the point?

My dp, after initially saying "yes", then went through a long stage of not knowing if he wanted more children or not. Like you, we were on the verge of splitting up, even though it would have been devastating for both of us. In the end though, he agreed he did. Cue sd turning into a complete cow. She was 16 while I was pregnant and she firmly believed we had NO RIGHT to have a child, repeatedly told me he would leave, constantly sent nasty text messages/phone calls etc etc. The day ds was born she was the first person to visit and has adored him ever since.

All I am saying is, you just don't know how people will react. BM does not speak for her children, they do. You partner's guilt is eating away at your relationship (got the t-shirt on that one!) It is very hard but he is the only one that can change his situation. It is not reasonable to expect you to not want children because he is scared of the BM to his current children.

I really wish you well as I do know just how hard this one is

hi sadsam,oh my god i sooo know how you feel my partner and i nearly split up on the weekend to,i just felt i couldent cope anymore with being a stepmum to his 6 year old and ive felt the need to have a baby recently but my boyfriend doesent feel ready yet.i think it makes you feel rejected in a way as if he wanted a child with his ex but why not me.i hope you worked things out weve decidied to see a counceller, i feel this is the only option left as i feel at breaking point.its horrible tho ,as like you say you think about walking away from the man of your dreams because of the situation and you wonder whether you will get a man like that again xx

Hi, this is my first time on mumsnet, but I can't believe how much it is helping to know that there are other people out there having the same problems. I'm 26 and have been with my partner for 4 years. He has got a daughter aged 5 from a previous relationship who is wonderful (most of the time) but his ex absolutely hates me. She goes out of her way to try and cause trouble and turn my sd against me. She actually emailed me once: you will not take my child to the toilet, you will not buy my child an ice cream etc etc. She said that she was going to do everything she could to poison sd against me. It has been really hard, especially when sd forgets that she's not allowed to give me a hug and accidently does - she turned around and said "that's not a hug, it's a squeeze" - it was heartbreaking to see this 5 year old so frightened and guilty. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling, it's just that I am also having problems with my dp because of the situation. I knew he had a dd when I met him and I have grown to love her (I have no kids of my own so I don't know if it is the same)but I didn't realise that my whole life would be ruled by his ex. We were recently supposed to be buying a house together, I was so happy and thought we were going to be getting married and having a baby in the next few years (or at least that's what he lead me to believe)but then I found out that he is in loads of debt that he hadn't told me about because he has been overpaying his child maintenance for years. I have no problem with supporting sd, I would never want to see her go without, but the fact that bm has recently spent £2.5k on a new bathroom leads me to believe that she is just taking the p*ss and now all my dreams of a life with dp that I love are in tatters. He said he is afraid of losing contact with dd because that's what evil bm threatened, and that he didn't want to tell me about the debt because he didn't want to lose me but now I don't know how I can trust him again and I am sick of my life being on hold because he can't/won't stand up to her. But I can't leave because I love him and sd.
Anyway, didn't mean for this to be a big essay, I just wanted to let Sadsam and V5 know that there are more of us out there! It has helped to get this off my chest, I've been feeling so alone.

hi emma79 im so glad you have come to mumsnet to talk it helsp so much,ive only recently joined and i find it so helpful i find it really hard but sometimes i feel lucky cos the ex is ok she never gives us any hassle so i so feel for you ,i cant imagine how i would feel if the ex was against me aswell as all the other feelings that go with being a step-parent, you are a great person for putting up with it.do you ever feel like just giving up?sometimes i wonder if il ever get over these feelings xxxx