Should we keep my stepdaughter's room once she starts university?

[Pearly2005]

I’d really appreciate some outside opinions because my husband and I are struggling to agree on this.
My stepdaughter is nearly 19 and starts university in September. She deliberately chose a university in the same town where she already works so that she could keep her job once she moved into halls. Once she moves, she’ll only be about 10 minutes from work. We’ll be around an hour away, and her mum (who she mainly lives with at the moment) is moving to around 30 minutes from the university.
Because of all that, we genuinely don’t know how often she’ll come home. She may come some weekends, she may come less than she imagines now once she’s settled into university, work and a new routine.
We live in a four-bedroom house. The three upstairs rooms are bedrooms, but my stepdaughter’s room is downstairs. It was originally the dining room, and when we moved in we put a door on it and made it into a bedroom for her.
My husband feels we should leave it exactly as it is because he’s worried that changing it will make her feel like she no longer has a home here. He’s finding the transition to having an adult daughter quite emotional and is worried about getting it wrong.
My view is that, once she’s settled at university, it makes sense to turn it into a more flexible room. I don’t mean taking away her place to stay. I was thinking of a good-quality sofa bed with storage underneath for her belongings so she’d always have somewhere comfortable to sleep and somewhere for her things, but the room could also be used day to day rather than sitting empty for long periods.
Part of my thinking is fairness too. We also have an adult son who stays over occasionally, and I don’t think it’s fair for one adult child to have a permanently dedicated bedroom while the other would effectively be sleeping in someone else’s room. A neutral guest room feels fairer to both of them.
Neither of us wants to push her away. She will always be welcome here, and we’d never want her to feel she doesn’t have a home with us. This is really about how families navigate the transition from having a child living at home to having an adult son or daughter who has moved out.
For those who’ve been through this, what did you do? Did you keep the room exactly the same? Did you change it? If you were the child in this situation, what would have helped you still feel like home?
Please be kind. We’re both trying to do what we think is best for her; we just see it differently.

I think you need to leave it up to your DH to decide .

Don't change anything until January at earliest. She may hare uni. You also don't want her to feel pushed out.

But I agree a more neutral/ dual purpose room, with some dedicated storage for her seems sensible

Just wait and see what happens

Keep the room if you want her to feel welcome and come back

I think it is not quite the right time. Wait just a few months or one academic year, so that she doesn't have to confront the symbolism of losing a room in a family home at the same time as dealing with all the emotional pressures and homesickness of being newly at university.

After that, your suggestion seems fine, so long as there is some way that she can continue to experience the room as hers when she needs it (e.g. asking her to help choose the sofa bed, wall colour or something)

I certainly wouldn’t be doing anything straight away, I’d be waiting to see how at least the first year goes.

What are the other 2 bedrooms used for?

and, how do ‘we’ also have an adult son?

Leave it for a while.
Drop the discussion & leave as is.
Father needs time to process the changes.

Turning it into a part time guest space is a good idea especially if you buy a really good quality bed settee, not a Futon type thingy which in my experience are so uncomfortable.

Perhaps in the fullness of time you can discuss with SD what her feelings are about it? My step-son didn’t mind at all. He was off & away growing up & enjoying life’s adventures.

Who's son is the adult son? How old is he and what are his living arrangements? How often does ds stay with you?
My dc1 moved out (into own mortgaged home at 20) so has no bedroom here as chose to take the bedroom furniture for the spare room. If was a joint discussion lead by what dc1 was happy with.
My dc 2 and 3 will shortly be starting university if they move away for university I will have a room here for them (and potentially to return to afterwards). If after a while and discussing with dc it is evident they are not using it I may change it to a generic room. If dc2 gets an apprenticeship and moves away (will only have 25 days annual leave) I'd probably turn it into a guest room. I think what ever happens I wouldn't do anything at first incase it doesn't happen as predicted, they decide to come home permanently or if they decide that they suddenly want to spend the long holidays at home.

I agree that a neutral guestroom would be fair to both her and to your son. But I don’t think you should do it immediately.
Maybe wait until her second year? When you have seen how often she returns. But do gently start to have the conversation with her about the possibility of it.

it will also depend on what she is studying, and how easy it will be for her to find work when she graduates. It may be that she will need to return home to live with you?

Few other relevant questions are how long ago did your son leave home? And what are your other bedrooms used for? Still have younger siblings at home?

Leaving an entire room empty on the off chance someone who doesn’t live there anymore might want to stay for a night is a foreign concept I’ve only ever heard of on here. I assume those posters have huge houses, most people don’t.

I didn’t keep my room in my mum’s house for a single day after I went to uni, my brothers were sharing till then and one of them moved in to my old room immediately. When I was back I bunked up with my sister or we swapped around as necessary. No hard feelings, no angst or drama.

Your non-resident older son doesn’t have a room there, because he doesn’t live there, SD will be in the same position come September.

And no to DH getting the final say, it’s not just his house, it’s yours as well and you get an equal opinion.

Are all the upstairs bedrooms occupied?

Agree with pp wait at least for her to complete a full year at Uni before doing anything to that room. She needs to feel she has somewhere familiar that's 'home' for her. Maybe in the 2nd year your DH could have a conversation about what does she see happening in the future & what she'd think was practicle.

They sounds a tad blackmaily don’t you think? A happy, well adjusted family doesn’t rely on maintaining rooms for non-resident members.

Why? Its her house too.

I would give it a year or two, then maybe have a chat with your SD about how she feels about it. My mum waited until I had finished my MA, and had started my career, but I did go home most holidays during university.

Id let her settle 6 months into uni to get a picture of how its going and then id change the room if its all going well.

She’s at uni. Not sure that is ‘non-resident’. Having a room makes it feel more like home, which will keep her feeling welcome. Pretty straightforward

I'd wait until after she is safely half way through year 2.

I don’t think your idea is bad or unfair but I’d leave it for a while see how she settles in at uni, and then just talk to her about it.

My parents turned my room into a guest room as soon as I moved out for uni. It was quite upsetting. I felt like it wasn’t my home anymore. Don’t do it. Wait until she has settled elsewhere in. Are she wants to come home. And it’s more likely these days that she will want to come home.

Dsd1 hasn’t lived here full time for a while as she’s been off travelling. We’ve kept her room, but with the understanding people visiting might use it for a night or two on the odd occasion. That’s worked fine, and I’ll do that while she’s at uni. We don’t need the space for anything else.
Suggest to your dsd that she do a declutter so that there’s only things she still wants there, and that will make it easier to organise. Don’t make any permanent changes for at least the first 6 months.

Uni is only about 30 weeks so def keep it for at least a year. Consider keeping it for her during the long holidays too.

her mum (who she mainly lives with at the moment)

So she only stays with you occasionally even now? And will be further away soon?

I think it’s your husband that is upset over this and your stepdaughter probably won’t mind. Her primary room and space is with her mum. Unless you’ve left something out about her having form for being territorial I suspect she’ll be fine if you repurpose the room so that she and her stepbrother can both use it when visiting. I’d just wait until maybe Christmas and mention it before doing it so that she’s not discovering it when she visits.

When our children went to university they came home each holiday so we kept their rooms.exactly as they left them and they both came back to live with us for a while after University.
it's different with you step daughter because it sounds as though she won't spend much time at your house. However I would still leave the room as it is for a while after she goes to university and maybe gradually change it to a more flexible space after it's clear how often she is likely to use it . Don't change it immediately she starts university

Imagine making going away to uni even more stressful by ousting her completely from the home. She won't feel she can come back or very welcome.

I get you want the room back, I would also, but don't do it the minute she's gone to uni fgs.