Should we keep my stepdaughter's room once she starts university?

[Pearly2005]

I’d really appreciate some outside opinions because my husband and I are struggling to agree on this.
My stepdaughter is nearly 19 and starts university in September. She deliberately chose a university in the same town where she already works so that she could keep her job once she moved into halls. Once she moves, she’ll only be about 10 minutes from work. We’ll be around an hour away, and her mum (who she mainly lives with at the moment) is moving to around 30 minutes from the university.
Because of all that, we genuinely don’t know how often she’ll come home. She may come some weekends, she may come less than she imagines now once she’s settled into university, work and a new routine.
We live in a four-bedroom house. The three upstairs rooms are bedrooms, but my stepdaughter’s room is downstairs. It was originally the dining room, and when we moved in we put a door on it and made it into a bedroom for her.
My husband feels we should leave it exactly as it is because he’s worried that changing it will make her feel like she no longer has a home here. He’s finding the transition to having an adult daughter quite emotional and is worried about getting it wrong.
My view is that, once she’s settled at university, it makes sense to turn it into a more flexible room. I don’t mean taking away her place to stay. I was thinking of a good-quality sofa bed with storage underneath for her belongings so she’d always have somewhere comfortable to sleep and somewhere for her things, but the room could also be used day to day rather than sitting empty for long periods.
Part of my thinking is fairness too. We also have an adult son who stays over occasionally, and I don’t think it’s fair for one adult child to have a permanently dedicated bedroom while the other would effectively be sleeping in someone else’s room. A neutral guest room feels fairer to both of them.
Neither of us wants to push her away. She will always be welcome here, and we’d never want her to feel she doesn’t have a home with us. This is really about how families navigate the transition from having a child living at home to having an adult son or daughter who has moved out.
For those who’ve been through this, what did you do? Did you keep the room exactly the same? Did you change it? If you were the child in this situation, what would have helped you still feel like home?
Please be kind. We’re both trying to do what we think is best for her; we just see it differently.

Uni students haven't really "moved out". They are just temporarily absent for parts of the year.

Is your son also a uni student? Or does he have a non-student home of his own?

I would leave dsd's room as hers at least until she graduates, personally. My dd has been away at uni for 2 years now, and I wouldn't dream of repurposing her room until she has actually left home. My own parents wouldn't ever have done that to me.

I'm with your husband. But either way, you don't need to decide now by guessing whether she'll be around. Just wait and see- if she's never there then you can discuss it again.

One thing that's for sure is that she won't be there much if she doesn't have a room, so avoid putting the cart before the horse.

I say this time next year is when you have the conversation again. Your DH wants his dd to feel his house is her home too, this makes sense. You also make sense to want the space, but as you’ve managed this long, another year would be better.

By then you’ll have some info to work with, you’ll know if she actually comes to stay with you in her uni holidays or not. If the truth is, you only have her visit one or two nights for the year, then your dh might be more open to her losing the room.

Changing it the second she leaves is quite brutal and makes it look like you’ve been chomping at the bit to get rid of her. I would personally leave it as it is for a good 6 months and see how often she comes back. If it’s not a lot then her Dad could have a conversation with her about changing it into a neutral guest room that she of course is always welcome to use.

You are being very hasty here. Is the adult son yours?

Either way, I have read enough of these threads to believe that you will do yourself no favours in the long term, by repurposing her room the minute she starts in halls.

I'd keep it for now. Going to Uni is stressful and a big life change, as well as the exciting bit. I would try to give her the option to 'escape' to yours if she needs a break. I'd remove it after she stops coming home much, if that happens naturally over the next year or two. So long as she appreciates she needs to leave it clean and tidy so someone else can stay as a guest, I think it would be fine

I’d wait the first year and then discuss.

I'd leave it for now, and drop the discussion.

Starting university does not mean that the young person, often still a teenager, has permanently moved out. They will probably still come back in the holidays and for the occasional term time weekend visits. Many are feeling slightly insecure as they start this phase of life, and the feeling that everything at home is still there and waiting for them is very important. Clearing out her room could feel like pulling the rug from under her.

I'd personally leave it a couple of years to see how things look like panning out. Then have a conversation with her and see if she would like to use one of the upstairs rooms instead.

Students often do boomerang back and forth until they have finished uni, are in more settled employment and perhaps have begun buying their own place. I know my two uni students did. DD1 (31) has just boomeranged back to me for the last few months, partly due to severe family circumstances here and partly because she is selling her place and house hunting with her partner for a more permanent home. DD3 (23) is renting with her partner so isn't often here at the moment, but knows she has a room in my house if it becomes necessary. DD2 never went to uni and never left home (an ongoing project for us).

Just because the young person may now be over 18 and have started uni doesn't mean that they are suddenly fully fledged adults who no longer need their home support network.

I’d leave it for a while - it’s a difficult time, lots of change

in a few years once she has left uni the situation may be clearer and even then I would only make changes in discussion with her

Leaving an entire room empty on the off chance someone who doesn’t live there anymore might want to stay for a night is a foreign concept I’ve only ever heard of on here. I assume those posters have huge houses, most people don’t.

@AnneLovesGilbert unfortunately, when step children are involved, common sense tends to fly out the window. The usual MN consensus suggests the bedroom should be left undisturbed, as a shrine, for years to come - just in case the step child feels pushed out.

But in a 'together' family, its fine to turn the bedroom into a sewing room the day after they go to Uni.

However providing any child, step or otherwise, can still stay at your house whenever they need to, I think its fine to change the house around.

Its interesting that you say that 'you' have a 'step daughter' but 'we've' got an adult son?

Anyway, I know a family who were in this exact situation, except it was mum and step dad who changed the bedroom. It was the absolute death knell of the mother/daughter relationship and the daughter moved in permanently with her father during and since university.

No, don’t turf her out. she should feel that she has a place in your home.
We kept our children’s bedrooms when they went to Uni and they both stayed in them for a while when they left. Why should in be any different because they have another home?

Keep as is for the first year and see how much she comes back.

Thank you for your messages, I completely agree with both sides, we wouldn’t have done it instantly just something we naturally discussed as things are changing. I meant to put I’ve got an adult son not we’ve. He is a student also at uni and when he moved out, my two younger sons were sharing and wouldn’t stop arguing over everything, so one of them moved in to my eldest son’s room. It made sense but I feel now we have two adult children, it would make it fairer to have a space they could both use. I absolutely love my stepdaughter to pieces as if she were my own, it’s just my husband agreed with me but worried for her so we certainly won’t rush it or make her feel abandoned.

I'd leave it a year and see how much she uses it before doing anything.

I’d leave it. Even the more confident student has wobbles at uni and sometimes it’s the feeling of support being available rather than actual support.
So she may not visit very often but it’s important to her to know that her room is there if she needs it.
Immediately repurposing her room gives the wrong message (whether intentional or not)

Your stepdaughter is moving on with her life. It would be reasonable for you and your husband to do the same. That might involve using your space differently.

Your son is a student and doesn’t have a bedroom when he comes home? Where does he sleep and how often does he come home?

I think that as your son is also at uni and now doesn’t have a room, it makes more sense to have it as a neutral room that the can both ‘share’.
As other posters have said though, she might hate uni, so I’d wait and see how often she comes back etc. It’s not very fair on your son at the moment though. He doesn’t have his own room!

Who has the other bedrooms? Firstly don't change anything until at least after Christmas. Make sure she's staying at uni etc. Secondly it's your house and completely reasonable to switch rooms around if for example you are moving her room from downstairs to one of the upstairs rooms. A different story if you are chany her room I to a dining room and all the upstairs rooms are taken. May e wait until she has her own permanent house ( not house share) for that.

Personally I would keep it as it is until she's finished uni and has some plans. It's about optics, her always being welcome. Goes a long way.

Edited. Just seen your last post. Yeah, perhaps ok to make it a more shared liveable space.

I have never yet come across a genuinely comfy sofa bed. But fair enough if you want it to be a shared spare bedroom for the two kids you have. I would really try to make sure the room includes an actual bed though, sofa bed mattresses get creased and lumpy due to being constantly folded up.

I’d leave it 6 months and if she barely visits I’d change it into a neutral guest room. Comfy sofa bed, dedicated storage for her stuff etc.

Leave it for a while to make sure she is settled in Uni, then let her know what you are planning. It doesn't seem fair that one non resident child has a dedicated room, while another doesn't.

Leave it until she is properly settled. Where she going to go in the holidays? I would be led by your DH and SD on this or you end up looking like the evil stepmum who can't wait to get rid of her.