Should we keep my stepdaughter's room once she starts university?

[Pearly2005]

I’d really appreciate some outside opinions because my husband and I are struggling to agree on this.
My stepdaughter is nearly 19 and starts university in September. She deliberately chose a university in the same town where she already works so that she could keep her job once she moved into halls. Once she moves, she’ll only be about 10 minutes from work. We’ll be around an hour away, and her mum (who she mainly lives with at the moment) is moving to around 30 minutes from the university.
Because of all that, we genuinely don’t know how often she’ll come home. She may come some weekends, she may come less than she imagines now once she’s settled into university, work and a new routine.
We live in a four-bedroom house. The three upstairs rooms are bedrooms, but my stepdaughter’s room is downstairs. It was originally the dining room, and when we moved in we put a door on it and made it into a bedroom for her.
My husband feels we should leave it exactly as it is because he’s worried that changing it will make her feel like she no longer has a home here. He’s finding the transition to having an adult daughter quite emotional and is worried about getting it wrong.
My view is that, once she’s settled at university, it makes sense to turn it into a more flexible room. I don’t mean taking away her place to stay. I was thinking of a good-quality sofa bed with storage underneath for her belongings so she’d always have somewhere comfortable to sleep and somewhere for her things, but the room could also be used day to day rather than sitting empty for long periods.
Part of my thinking is fairness too. We also have an adult son who stays over occasionally, and I don’t think it’s fair for one adult child to have a permanently dedicated bedroom while the other would effectively be sleeping in someone else’s room. A neutral guest room feels fairer to both of them.
Neither of us wants to push her away. She will always be welcome here, and we’d never want her to feel she doesn’t have a home with us. This is really about how families navigate the transition from having a child living at home to having an adult son or daughter who has moved out.
For those who’ve been through this, what did you do? Did you keep the room exactly the same? Did you change it? If you were the child in this situation, what would have helped you still feel like home?
Please be kind. We’re both trying to do what we think is best for her; we just see it differently.

Why don't you ask her?

Where will she be in uni holidays? If she's really going to leave and barely be back for at least three years because she will stay in uni accommodation or with her mum, fair enough to reclaim her room, but in reality for the first year at least, she'll probably be back for a good chunk at Christmas and Easter and for weeks in the summer - may be mid June to mid Sept early Oct. Not saying no-one can stay in the room, but it should still be definately HER room.

They come back all the time from university, keep a room for her. My DD is 35 and owns their own home and still has a room in my house.

I think it's too soon. She needs to lead on any decisions about her bedroom.

You have 4 bedrooms upstairs and one other adult son? Are there any other children in your household? What are the other bedrooms used for?

When I went to uni, my bedroom stayed my bedroom. When I finished uni, I got a full time job in the sector that linked to my degree in my home city but it wasn't well paid and I had to move in with my parents again. I was heartily grateful for the home-base and the familiarity of my own bedroom at a time when so much was changing in my life.

In first year I was in halls so I came home for long holidays as we had to vacate halls out of term time (we had about 24 weeks of uni so that's 28 weeks at home). My sibling went to Oxford and was home for many months too during their 3 year degree (same as my uni, less than half the year in uni). My other two siblings had flat-shares throughout so they were back less but still used their childhood bedrooms for holidays and after uni.

I moved in with my boyfriend when we were 23 so I was only home for a couple of years but I don't know how I'd have felt if I was in a spare room or temporary room.

My mum's sister redecorated my cousins' rooms as soon as they went to uni so in the holidays one was sleeping in a home office and the other in a home gym. My mum was appalled and thought it was mean-spirited and not very supportive.

All that said, I have a 19 year old step child too! She didn't go to uni but works full time. We have a 3 bed terrace and I have 2 teenage sons too. They shared and the other room was for her. She was the one who said "you should give my room to (name of one brother) as he's getting older" I said "but we want you to have a space here, this is your home too" and she said "I know, but they can bunk in together just when I stay over". She stopped sleeping over much as she can drive and it's easier for her to get to work from her mum's house or she was doing things on the weekends with friends. No falling out, it's just how it's worked out. So I'd also say listen to your stepdaughter, what does she want and what does she need?

I was very mindful of the message it sent. I knew in practical terms she was with us less, when she was a child she was with us midweek and weekends so 3 nights a week. In her teens it fell to one, then dropped off through lockdown. But symbolically it was her space with her things in it. When she made the room change suggestion I made it very clear that she still had a space for her clothes and other belongings.

If we had 4 bedrooms, all 3 of our kids would have a room each. My older boy is starting uni this year and he's chosen to live at home for it but we've said he can redecorate the room over the summer so it feels a bit more grown up in there. He's been able to do his A level work in our home office downstairs but we're also getting an office base set up in his bedroom like he'd have had in halls.

Have a conversation with her about what she wants and needs. Don't lead her but she might surprise you.

My parents did this. I was only away for 8 weeks at a time, 3 times a year, and suddenly I had no bedroom outside of term time. It made me feel very unsettled at home in the holidays, and was a bit of a nightmare in the summer holidays when I was back for a three month stretch, and then again when I graduated and moved home til I got a job. I still think it's weird to act like going away to university is like leaving home - it really isn't.

Wait and see what happens. Personally were it my child (I understand this is your step child), I wouldn’t change anything at all until they had permanently moved out.

Don't do anything immediately. She may not settle at uni. By turning her room into a 'neutral space' as soon as she starts uni, you are effectively telling her you neither expect nor want her to ever live with you again. Which is possibly what you do actually feel, but it is probably not what her dad feels, or her siblings.

I'm sure your older son could cope with a night or two in her bedroom, rather than in a neutral space, during term-time if it came down to it.

I’d leave it for six months and then ask her what she thinks - if she’s been back a few times in that six months then leave as is but if it really has been empty then it’s fair to propose a change

I was exactly the same as your husband this time last year, in fact I couldn’t even go into her room when she left for uni! I tidied it up nicely before she came back to visit and realised it wasn’t the same room anyway and to be honest the last time we’d done it up she was about 15 so it didn’t feel quite right for what she needed anyway.

when she came back at Christmas - wasn’t a big deal but we ended up talking about what she needed when she was back for holidays and did a bit of a refurb together. She was way less bothered than I thought and we put in a nice dressing table that I now use as a work desk during term time. She loves her room now.

having said that I’d let your husband lead the way - I found the transition really rough at first

Leaving an entire room empty on the off chance someone who doesn’t live there anymore might want to stay for a night is a foreign concept I’ve only ever heard of on here. I assume those posters have huge houses, most people don’t

It’s actually the opposite in my experience. We didn’t have any spare rooms in my house, but we frequently managed to have friends and family to stay (yes even with only one bathroom!). So when we had guests either me or my brother would have to sleep on the sofa and the guests would have one of our rooms. So those rooms stayed as ours for many years with guests staying in there when needed. If we happened to be home at the same time we continued to sleep on the sofa.

And guest rooms are empty most do the time anyway so what difference does that make?!

I lost my bedroom when I went to uni, and to be honest I think it held me back in life by a good decade. It meant whilst my friends moved back home after uni and got to save money and get enough to buy their first houses I had to go straight into rented and house shares etc. where life was bloody miserable and so, so, so hard to save. It also meant I had to make certain choices in my career that long term had a negative impact because I couldn’t take those low paid, CV building positions/grad schemes that would have led to higher long term salaries.
This “adult as soon as you get to 18/ go to uni” thing is not realistic with the housing and jobs markets as they are. I’d really recommend you wait and see what happens. I also don’t think it’s fair at all if she “moves back home” after uni to presume that it should be to her mum’s just because she currently lives there more. What if she gets a job closer to you?
There’s no rush. Just see what happens in terms of her prospects after uni. Because let’s be real, a sofa bed and a tiny bit of storage is saying “this isn’t your home anymore”. That’s not your husband struggling with the transition, that’s him being considerate until his daughter has got on her feet.

When I moved to uni I gave up my bedroom for my sibling. I never felt like it was home again.
If you want her to feel like it is home then keep for the time being otherwise accept she'll rarely come

I’m also a step child. I never had my own room at my dad’s as he lived in a tiny cottage and there are 4 of us, and it was at my mum’s that my brother moved straight into my room. We’re all extremely close, were then, still are, and not having a room for my sole use in either house didn’t change my love or feeling of safety and closeness to either side of my family.

Leave it a year and see how often she comes back then decide

You sound lovely @Pearly2005 .

Have you asked her what she would like to do? Maybe your DH could?

She is an adult and seems to me it should be her choice. Better an open discussion rather than make the decision and then tell her after the fact.

Once she is graduated, on her two feet and so on, then it is different but in my experience having a base, no matter how small and infrequent that is, was important. She may also like to help you redecorate it when the time comes.

I’d wait a year or even until she’s finished Uni and see if she moves in after. If you do it during uni take her input on what she needs if she moves back or is staying and has studying to do, let her choose bedding or wall colour and use her stuff as accessories (like pictures) instead of buying new.

I agree that a room they can both use would be better, and also that can be used in between times. Its a total waste otherwise.

My daughter was back 3 weeks Christmas, 3 weeks Easter. Will have been here 4 months by the time she goes back. Its a myth they are moving out and don't need a bedroom

Of course you should keep her room, if you want her to feel like she is welcome in your house.

Once I left for university, I was not at home for longer than about 10 consecutive days until I was 35 (different story). However I didn’t like that my room was immediately redecorated and turned into a spare guest bed. I’d say give it until next summer and see how she gets on in this transitional phase.

But he lost his bedroom when he went to uni so the younger siblings didn’t have to share. Now when he’s home he has to use his old room which is now another siblings room and is full of that siblings things. It makes way more sense to treat them all equally and create a neutral room that either uni student can use

That’s quite odd unless you have lots of space you don’t need to use.

Sorry for being dim. What place does she call home?

Where does your son sleep when he comes back home now?

What will you do when both of them are home for eg Christmas/Easter?

I came home every holiday and my bedroom was there. I don’t think going to University is moving out either. If you add up the holidays it’s alot of time to be at home without your own room. Also I loved Uni but going home for the holidays and having more privacy and a much more comfortable bed was so lovely.