Should we keep my stepdaughter's room once she starts university?

[Pearly2005]

I’d really appreciate some outside opinions because my husband and I are struggling to agree on this.
My stepdaughter is nearly 19 and starts university in September. She deliberately chose a university in the same town where she already works so that she could keep her job once she moved into halls. Once she moves, she’ll only be about 10 minutes from work. We’ll be around an hour away, and her mum (who she mainly lives with at the moment) is moving to around 30 minutes from the university.
Because of all that, we genuinely don’t know how often she’ll come home. She may come some weekends, she may come less than she imagines now once she’s settled into university, work and a new routine.
We live in a four-bedroom house. The three upstairs rooms are bedrooms, but my stepdaughter’s room is downstairs. It was originally the dining room, and when we moved in we put a door on it and made it into a bedroom for her.
My husband feels we should leave it exactly as it is because he’s worried that changing it will make her feel like she no longer has a home here. He’s finding the transition to having an adult daughter quite emotional and is worried about getting it wrong.
My view is that, once she’s settled at university, it makes sense to turn it into a more flexible room. I don’t mean taking away her place to stay. I was thinking of a good-quality sofa bed with storage underneath for her belongings so she’d always have somewhere comfortable to sleep and somewhere for her things, but the room could also be used day to day rather than sitting empty for long periods.
Part of my thinking is fairness too. We also have an adult son who stays over occasionally, and I don’t think it’s fair for one adult child to have a permanently dedicated bedroom while the other would effectively be sleeping in someone else’s room. A neutral guest room feels fairer to both of them.
Neither of us wants to push her away. She will always be welcome here, and we’d never want her to feel she doesn’t have a home with us. This is really about how families navigate the transition from having a child living at home to having an adult son or daughter who has moved out.
For those who’ve been through this, what did you do? Did you keep the room exactly the same? Did you change it? If you were the child in this situation, what would have helped you still feel like home?
Please be kind. We’re both trying to do what we think is best for her; we just see it differently.

i have three dc all had their own rooms but youngest was in a box room. When eldest went to uni i considered swapping rooms but she was home about half the year between weekends and holidays so i kept it as it was only moving rooms once she officially moved out at 21. Middle dc came home even more. However because you did it with your eldest it may seem like favouritism if you don’t replicate for your dsd.

I think it's fair to both your son and your stepdaughter to make it a neutral space that they both can use. Especially as your stepdaughter's primary home is with her mother.

Absolutely this - surely the SD can’t expect to have a dedicated, mainly unused bedroom in multiple homes?

Leave the decision to her father unless you want to come across as the wicked step mother who can't wait to see the back of her step-daughter just so she can re-decorate...

Frankly OP you come across as really thoughtless.

Seriously? When numerous posters have changed the bedroom arrangements for their biological children? The OP has said she will always be welcome.

I agree with lots of other posters that letting her settle in for a while and seeing how often she comes to stay before making any changes would prevent her from feeling suddenly unwelcome. I’d also suggest involving her in changing the room when you do come to do that. In my experience it takes a while to settle into being an adult. My room at home mattered a lot to me until I’d finished uni and got a job away from home that kept me away for most of the year.

Yes - what is the deal with this? It's like some strange kind of step-kids cult ;-)

I'm guessing that the step parenting thread is actually full of people who are not step parents, so only ever look at things through the lens of their own biological children's interest. But blended families have to, by necessity, balance things out in different ways. There are various parties who have 'skin in the game' and often have to do things differently to how a bio family would.

I say this as someone whose children have a stepmother and, yes, sometimes things happen that wouldn't be my first choice (for my kids). But, the stability of that side of my DC's life actually requires him to find a balance, otherwise I'm pretty sure his partner won't stay (if she feels she never has any say in anything nor ever any interests of her own and it's always 'kids first'). I certainly know I wouldn't accept that kind of relationship.

Wait a bit, and in a year or so, chat to her about it. She’ll probably be quite reasonable about it once she’s settled elsewhere. Your husband is also probably feeling a bit sensitive about his little girl going off to uni, and he’ll be more relaxed about it once he’s used to her being away.

This is just a timing issue.

I think the bedroom downstairs (that was the dining room) should be used as a more flexible space. So there's a sofa bed that can be used by either adult child and storage for them to leave anything at yours.

If there's a possibility that both adult children end up at home, at the same time, then your two youngest children will need to bung in together, to give your eldest son his own space.

I wouldn't implement any of these changes straight away. Your step-daughter needs to settle at university. She may think she will stay over, but my guess is, she'll not go home to see Mum that often or her Dad! Life will be exciting at university, she'll make new friends and will be too busy! I would discuss the changes with her once she's settled at university, and once you've sussed out the lay of the land.

Keeping a bedroom for someone who isn't going to stay often, or may not at all, is impractical. You can't keep a room for your step-daughter, but then have no bedroom that can be kept permanently for your eldest son.

My parents waited till my first summer hols just in case I struggled when I started uni. Then redecorate / rearrange, make sure plenty of storage so she can still leave things there like PJ’s, toiletries etc so it’s still “home,” just not “her room.”

I wouldn't even be discussing it for the first year to see how things pan out and how often she comes back etc.

I think this is a conversation for once she’s finished her degree, rather than right now before she’s even started. It would however be reasonable to say that when she’s not using the room and your son is visiting that that is a room that he can use to.