Stepson doesn’t want a sibling

[Kitkat2407]

My stepson is turning 7 this year and I’ve been in his life since he was 3. He has a half sister from his mum turning 2 this year. Her partner also has 2 children. My stepson is my partners only child and he is the only grandchildren to my MIL and FIL. My partner and I are trying to conceive (think positive for us!) but recently my stepson has started saying to my partner that he wants to come over as there are no babies here!! I’m worried about his reaction when we get pregnant. Does anyone have advice on how to tell him and what we can do to make sure that he is ok with this next step. This will be my first child and I’m really excited, so is my partner but I am worried that he won’t take the news well and selfishly I don’t want him to end up making this experience miserable for us all. Any tips you have would be appreciated!!

The holiday thing is just sad, if dad is going on a family holiday he should be taking all his children. The fact that it looks like he won’t be shows just how right his son is to be worried.

This! Almost 10 years in my stepsons life and that one week last year where his mum went on holiday with her husband and toddler was honestly the hardest week we've ever had with him. Worse than any period of time during covid lockdowns etc.

He was so so so angry the entire week. A few times he mentioned that he was just discarded so that they could have their family holiday without him. It was so upsetting.

On the other hand, we went on holidays and obviously brought him (and his best friend) and also paid for him to go away with his best friend on their holiday. Our holiday was planned around stepson and his friend... their interests etc because a toddler will be happy to play with an empty plastic bottle and will nap alot etc.

I remember when my husband told me the reason we had stepson extra was because his mum was going on holiday... I couldn't fathom how any parent thought process worked like that.

Agree, its rarely what's best for the kids.

It is different in that the new siblings more often get to live with their parents ALL the time and the child of the separated couple only ever get to live with each parent PART of the time. It causes feelings of displacement, envy, resentment and powerlessness. Like they are no one's full time family member. That's very, very hard.

99% of the time it’s about my stepsons wants/needs but unfortunately this is the 1% that isn’t 🤷‍♀️

OP, it is quite likely that once you have your own baby you will feel the difference between loving your step child and your baby.

He will seem huge, clumsy, and a threat, extra so if he is jealous of the baby.

You need to prime yourself to always be on his side. Never do the slightest thing that makes him feel like a cuckoo in your nest. Show him love and value as a big brother.

Your DH, even more so.

And no, do not go on holiday with the baby like his Mum does. That is one of the reasons he feels left out amongst his Mum’s new family and likes coming to you!

So my advice: don’t replicate that!

You and your DH will become a new 2 child family. Act like it, and not as if one child is part time / optional.

I had an abusive stepmother but really love my half siblings (was in my teens when they were born) even though the direct consequence of them being born was to give me stepmother the space to scale up her emotional abuse and heavily separate me and siblings from our one parent. I am sure he will adapt and build lovely relationships with any children you have - all of my siblings and I did. He will just need support during the transition.

But it’s not 1% of his life. It’s a huge thing for him

in less than 4 years, which is over half his short life, he's experienced his parents split up, mum get a new partner and have another baby (that must have been quite soon after his parents split up too if she's 2), had another 2 children come into his home, dad has met a new partner and moved house......that's a lot to get used to and it sounds like your house is his haven for some peace and quiet to himself!

A new baby in the one place he has peace after already having to deal with his parents splitting up is not 1% of his life.
It's not your fault but I judge the mother and father, no one is prioritising this child's needs. Everyone will be more interested in their new shiny family and he is left shuttling between them.

Which is why I have asked for advice on how this can be navigated so that my stepson doesn’t feel neglected as part of this change. This situation happens all the time, no one sets out to have this family dynamics but the reality is there are many blended families so asking for practical advice seems like a sensible decision so that we can be prepared and can proactive steps to make this as smooth as possible

It’s the 1% that really matters. You don’t seem capable op of imagining how this plays out in 8 years time. You are tunnel visioned in only being able to imagine a gorgeous squishy baby. Good luck.

You don’t need to feel sorry for me and my siblings, many thanks!

You can't ever make sure he doesn't feel neglected. There is no advice that anyone can give you that will make this true. He IS and probably already does have very difficult feelings about his family set up. You can't take away these feelings but you can help him to manage them. You can acknowledge them -

"I can see it feels scary and weird that me and daddy are going to have another baby -do you want to tell me about that?"

Then lots of reassurance about how much he is loved, how much you love having him live with you, how excited you are every week to see him again.

He will feel sad and left out and neglected, but you all just have to support him through those feelings.

People are just responding to the question you asked OP, there’s no point getting snippy because it isn’t the affirmation you wanted. Most people here are or have been parents of young children and they are telling you there probably isn’t a way to make this an unequivocally good thing for your stepson. His emotional needs at this time are different from yours, so it’s going to be a choice. A choice you have already made - so there wasn’t much point in posting. You could have just asked ChatGPT to write you a justification for doing what you’re going to do anyway. This little boy isn’t top of anyone’s priority list, so of course he isn’t going to win over your biological clock.

I completely agree, however it's a harsh truth people don't want to hear.

It must be very tough for kids like this who just feel like they're in the middle of everyone.

I do also want to draw attention to the fact that kids don't need loads of holidays and Christmas presents. If you (the OP) think that constitutes a child being 'fine' you're a bit naive.

I'd agree with this. Large families are rarer now but this was certainly the experience for some of us growing up to always have young siblings around.

It will be a decent age gap though so juggling holidays and activities with a toddler / preschooler and a teen will be tricky. Less of an issue for your stepson but more a consideration for you and your husband. There will be a many occasions where you will have to divide and conquer and go separate ways so both childrens needs can be accommodated. Or else one child will always be tagging along to stuff that is not age appropriate for them. You may perhaps resent always being the one to do small children birthday parties because SS needs to be driven to football practice, etc. Your DH may be resentful because with two of such disparate ages, he will rarely get a break because you will also want him to do his fair share with his second child.

Approach it positively and it will be positive for both children. But it will require sacrifice on everyone's part.

Lavishing money and gifts on a child doesn’t compensate for feelings of rejection but I know that’s what some parents do thinking they can buy their children’s happiness.

I think that's a very valid point @TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams! A 7 or 8, or even 9 year age gap in siblings is very different needs all the way through growing up. Not many families with children from the same parents have such a gap without a middle child/children in the mix as well.

So I will re-post my advice from above:
OP, it is quite likely that once you have your own baby you will feel the difference between loving your step child and your baby.
He will seem huge, clumsy, and a threat, extra so if he is jealous of the baby.
You need to prime yourself to always be on his side. Never do the slightest thing that makes him feel like a cuckoo in your nest. Show him love and value as a big brother.
Your DH, even more so.
And no, do not go on holiday with the baby like his Mum does. That is one of the reasons he feels left out amongst his Mum’s new family and likes coming to you!
So my advice: don’t replicate that!
You and your DH will become a new 2 child family. Act like it, and not as if one child is part time / optional.

Wholeheartedly agree with this. This is how you will do the best job by all concerned and your child will have the love and support of a big brother throughout their lives, not a resentful no contact step brother.

I don't think you quite understood what I was trying to get at. Of course no one knows how their partner will be like until they have children and you say you've seen him as a parent so already know. But here's where you are missing the big point:

Your partner has never been put in a position to date where he is forced to split time between his first child and any children of a subsequent relationship. Not all children take to this situation well and their resentment can put a huge amount of pressure on the situation. Unlike children in a nuclear family, the child in this situation can refuse to visit and withdraw from the relationship with their parent, which can trigger a lot of heartache in their parent. To be fair, you won't be experiencing the same emotions as much as you can sympathise because it's not your child refusing to see you.

I wish you well but I would urge caution and perhaps listening a bit more rather than just brushing off the experiences of others. You do come across as a little naive. Yes you are asking questions but you are not really listening to the answers. You are naive because there may not be a way to make this little boy feel better about the situation and you don't seem to have really considered that as a possible outcome.

This child has already said they don't want a sibling on their dad's side and that may not change. Your partner needs to consider that possibility because he will have to live with the emotional fall out. Being excited about having a new baby may not be enough to offset the emotional fall out with his son.

I wish you well but it really won't be plain sailing.

I feel the same. Truly sorry for these kids who are just thrown into messy situations and have to put up and shut up. I don’t blame him at all

I think you have had some good replies already and you’ve been defensive and I think that’s because you’ve probably realised you’ve been a bit naive about the whole thing. Please remember that most parents replying probably have more experience of 7 year olds than you do and therefore more ability to empathise with a child that age. That isn’t a criticism of you at all, just the reality. @KayPopin particular gives good advice based on her experience in a similar situation and you’d do well to take it on board.

I’m divorced and have a 10 and 7 year old. I think what you need to remember is that a 7 year old is still a young child. When you have your baby you’ll probably look at your stepson and think he is huge and mature in comparison.

Your post about the number of holidays and Christmas presents says quite a lot. My kids would much rather mummy and daddy lived together than have more holidays. It’s not going to happen. It can be hugely disruptive and unsettling going between homes and it’s our job as adults to mitigate it as much as possible.

What I would suggest is if you do get pregnant, once you have told your stepson, just make it part of everyday life. It’s obviously a huge thing but carry on with your life as before as much as you can for him. Ensure it doesn’t affect him and the schedule too much. Involve him with simple fun things like choosing clothes and a cuddly toy for the baby. But, don’t make every single weekend you have him about the baby. There needs to be a balance. Those trips to choose a pram and car seat etc are really boring for a 7 year old, so do those another time. A baby is a big deal for you but for him try and make it just another thing happening in your life rather than the central of his life. So, your DH needs to be doing all the normal things with him. Days out, 1:1 time with him as much as possible. Carry on as you are.

Once a baby is here don’t push the relationship. Again it’s easy to think a 7 year old is grown up compared to a tiny baby. Offer opportunities for him to “help” by choosing what the baby wears that day if he wants to but don’t push it. Accept that he is a young kid at school and will bring germs into the house and give your baby a cold. Do not be precious about germs or the odd bit of dirt. Don’t be cancelling the weekend with him if you’re all tired because baby has been up half the night.

I can’t emphasise enough that your schedule with him should not change or be disrupted as far as possible. Unless you’re in hospital giving birth your DH needs to keep to the schedule with him. Once you get home with the baby your DH needs to be focused on stepson whilst he’s with you, while you focus on the baby.

Don’t make him share a room with the baby or move rooms. Any changes that you make as a result of the potential new addition needs to have your stepson at the forefront of your mind.

You asked for advice on how to make sure he’s ok with this step, but there’s only so much you can control. He basically still needs to be treated as the young child he is.

I also feel sorry for them. I would never have got into a relationship with a man with kids for this very reason.