Stepson doesn’t want a sibling

[Kitkat2407]

My stepson is turning 7 this year and I’ve been in his life since he was 3. He has a half sister from his mum turning 2 this year. Her partner also has 2 children. My stepson is my partners only child and he is the only grandchildren to my MIL and FIL. My partner and I are trying to conceive (think positive for us!) but recently my stepson has started saying to my partner that he wants to come over as there are no babies here!! I’m worried about his reaction when we get pregnant. Does anyone have advice on how to tell him and what we can do to make sure that he is ok with this next step. This will be my first child and I’m really excited, so is my partner but I am worried that he won’t take the news well and selfishly I don’t want him to end up making this experience miserable for us all. Any tips you have would be appreciated!!

I have 2 DSC, and DH and I have 2 kids together. They all have an amazing relationship which is even better than I hoped, so it can be done.

But and I say this as someone whose been there and got the t-shirt, what if he is never happy about it and is always resentful?

You do really need to consider this possibility and be prepared for it. Your partner may be all loving and supportive now but if his son lashes out and his dad is forced to pick a side with the risk of not seeing his son, then you may find yourself and your child sidelined and you're the one who becomes resentful. What your partner says now is not necessarily an indication of how he will behave when it is a reality, you really really need to consider that possibility.

There are many posters on here who have talked about being treated as second best despite the promises made before the child was born. Also no matter how much you think you won't you may feel very differently about him when you have your own child.

Having a child in a blended family is absolutely nothing like having a child in a nuclear family. Pretending otherwise is very very naive and will lead to problems. It's a 1000x more complex and can make any underlying problems much worse.

The only way to mitigate this is go in with your eyes wide open and be in a position to go it alone if it doesn't work out.

If you and your partner want a baby then you should have a baby, a SC (or bio child) shouldn’t change that.

I have a SC of a similar age (9), a bio child (3) with his dad and my second child with his dad on the way. I’m sure there are times when SC feels overwhelmed with a toddler around (don’t we all) but they are brothers and enjoy each other’s company at times too. I am one of 4 and have always enjoyed having multiple siblings it’s not a bad thing..

You have shown consideration for your SC which is the key thing in this situation, your post is literally asking for tips on how best to manage the situation so I don’t know why you’re getting a tough ride.

As PP said, ensuring SC has one on one time with his dad when he’s with you is the key thing and it goes without saying, including them in family days out, holidays etc. Does he have his own bedroom and will he have to share with any children you have? I don’t think it’s the end of the world if they don’t (full siblings in a ‘nuclear family’ share bedrooms sometimes) but as they’ve expressed a preference for peace and quiet having their own space to retreat to might be valuable for them, perhaps you can give their bedroom an upgrade so they feel treated?

Ahh yes “poor child” who has four adults in a parenting capacity to love him, play with him, care for him and spend time with him 🙄”poor child” who went on 6 holidays last year between his two family set ups. “Poor child” who is able to do any activity/hobby he wants on a weekly basis. “Poor child” that every single weekend is taken to adventure parks/swimming/fairgrounds/zoo/cinema/beach - whatever he wants to do. “Poor child” who gets 2 sets of Christmas presents and birthday presents which he freeely takes between houses. Trust me, there’s nothing “poor” about this child 😂

But in your case, the two kids are both with you all week. With blended families, the new sibling (half-sibling) is in that house all the time whereas the older child isn't. It is not the same.

Not, at all, suggesting that the OP shouldn't have a child (or that blended families in general shouldn't have more children), but it is not the same thing.

Thank you. I didn’t think my post would be so controversial!! I do understand that this will be a big change for him and want to make sure it doesn’t impact him negatively. I too have multiple siblings, granted with the same parents, but I love them dearly - didn’t always growing up! Pretty sure my older brother resented me when I came along 😂

The funny thing is me and my partner have waited to have a child to make sure our family is in the best position to prepare for this step. The parenting schedule is now stable, we both have stable jobs with a decent income, we bought a house with potential for our family to grow. In answer to your question he does have his own bedroom which I agree with you, is important for his own space. A bedroom makeover is really good advice and I’ll look into that.

thank you so much for your support and advice x

Whilst I do understand your point and think it probably has come from a place of good intentions…Is that not just a possibility for anyone that gets pregnant? You really don’t know how someone will be as a parent until you have a child. A partner with no children could just decide it’s not for them and walk away at any point. Fortunately I have years of evidence that shows me how much of a wonderful dad my partner is, he gets more broody than me when babies are around!

Nobody is pretending it’s the same, I do find it amusing that my post is asking for advice on how to handle the situation showing how much my partner and I are aware this needs navigating carefully. Definitely don’t think he or I are being naive, if we were we wouldn’t even be asking these questions, we would have got on with it by now!

Will he still be able to do all the activities, hobbies etc when new siblings appear? Will you be having holidays without him but with his siblings when he is with mum?

How hands on was your partner when stepson was a baby? Your stepson was very young when his parents split up. How was parenting split before you came on the scene?

Also it isn’t always about the material things, there is a term Disney dad for a reason.

Always has been a 50/50 split. Me and my partner are lucky enough to have flexible jobs so we often have him more. We have waited to have a child to progress our careers to earn decent wages to afford the lifestyle we want. Of course we will go on holidays, just as his mum has taken her other child on holidays without her son. Your right it’s not just about material things but fortunately we are in a position to make sure he never goes without but thank you for your concern

It’s controversial because all of the things mentioned are things that happen, just not all in the same family.

we see people all the time have families they don’t have the time or resources for. Some families won’t even go to the park without the elder child, others discard the original child like they are inconvenient trash.

it’s emotive, and painful and it’s extremely rare that existing children (especially of the dads) are actually properly considered in the creation of a blended family.

but you’re here, your asking the questions and doing the research, so don’t let it get to you.

Luckily it’s not his decision! Everything isn’t all about him, it’s probably best he realizes that sooner, rather than later.

Poor kid is a step kid in both families

It’s great that you’re asking about how to manage this but you have come across as really defensive and not really open to thinking about the negatives for you or your step child.
Lots of people here are sharing from experience and it’s helpful to have that I think. Reading the step parenting boards is an eye opener. We only really hear about when it goes wrong here which obviously isn’t the whole story but I still think it’s useful.

You do sound quite naive and I’m sure that’s coming from a place of really wanting and needing everything to work out well but please be prepared for the emotional impact of another child for your step-son.

Your posts are all about what your step-son has and gets but less about his emotional wellbeing and sense of safety and belonging. Holidays, gifts and theme parks don’t make a happy and secure child.

Yeah it’s definitely good to make sure kids aren’t a priority early on. Wouldn’t want to set up false expectations!

@BernardButlersBra I am sure he is very aware that it is not all about him. His mum got pregnant within 4 months of meeting new partner, so assuming stepdad was introduced far too quickly and stepdad brought along 2 children, so he was certainly down the list there.

Wow, this reply definitely made me think differently about you. It's so patronising and so self-absorbed. He goes from family to family, with several siblings to different parents. Don't confuse love and stability. You can be well loved but still not have one stable place to call home. If you don't want advice/comments, don't ask for it. This is not going to be purely an echo chamber where people only agree with you.

Not defensive at all but the points you raise could be true for any family? Yes there are more complexities with blended families but that’s why this post has asked for practical advice on how to make this a smooth transition. If I hadn’t been thinking of the negatives then I would just go ahead and do what me and my partner want to do, however this isn’t an impulsive decision clearly. You only have a snippet of the circumstances so whilst you’re entitled to your opinion it doesn’t make it necessarily true.

I’m just so grateful that neither myself nor my children have ever had to grow up in a shit show like this. It sounds just awful.

To be fair... his mothers home is absolutely not stable. She met a man, was pregnant within 4 months and so by 1 year into.her relationship your partners son had a new man in the house, a post partum mother, a new siblings he's not keen on, and 2 other kids there partially.

That's incredibly unstable... for all of those kids. It's insane!

Also you mentioned that his mother has gone on holidays without him... that's something my stepsons mother did too (with her younger child) and honestly it was a week of hell at our house picking up the emotional damage that my stepson was left with. He wasn't bothered about the holiday necessarily but being discarded as if he wasn't good enough for.the family holiday was horrific for him.

You mention that you and your partner have waited to have a child and you've put some good steps in place re jobs, homes etc but to be fair, you are still only together 3 years so it really isn't that long.

And it’s great that you’re asking but my point was I haven’t seen much about emotional safety and security and lots of information about financial stuff and fun things.

He can have two amazing homes with lots of holidays and trips but still feel adrift and not quite belonging in either home. He has two family set ups where everyone else lives together all the time except for him (and I assume step-dads’ kids). He might feel replaced, like an outsider.

I also think the poster who cautioned about you feeling differently is right. Now, he’s the most important child in your world but when your own baby comes along and dad is off with his son, you may start to feel resentful of that.

Two step-parents, step-siblings and new siblings is a huge amount for any child to cope with. Everyone in this could be absolutely lovely, kind and loving but he might still struggle emotionally with yet another change. He might not be able to articulate what exactly he finds difficult and that’s ok for a child of his age and stage.

I do also disagree that you haven’t been defensive. Calling people ‘hunny’ in a pass agg way and accusing people of trolling is defensive when you’ve been given advice. You may not like what people have said but surely that's the point of asking?
Step back and really read the warnings as well as the reassurances.

None of this is me saying don’t do it, just advising some openness and exploration of the emotional challenges you might also face.

Whilst I hope it works out for everyone in your family, I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility your stepson may never be happy if you and his father have a child, and it's at least worth considering the impact that may have on everyone's relationships.

It is, because the child observes the younger one being patented by its two bio parents. They watch their Mum / Dad love a baby with someone who is not their own Mum / Dad.

The reality is you’ll probably love your baby more, and they will be a permanent resident in your home whereas DSS will probably be only part time and therefore very easily feel like a second class citizen. Your baby will probably hero worship him. Where is he will probably find them a deeply annoying threat , and you’ll have to bear witness to him being somewhat disinterested or hostile and your child’s disappointment and feeings of rejection, and try, but most likely fail to be understanding towards your stepson on this.
He will probably feel like a demoted outsider unless you are extremely skillful, and toddler years will Coincide with adolescence. It’s understandable but telling that your concern is him ruining it for everybody else, rather than the potentially shattering experience this might be for him. I think you need to be very realistic about the potentially massive negative impact This could have on his life, if you can do that you should be able to mitigate, but if you treat his response as an inconvenience you are going to find things very difficult as will he.
he is not choosing this relationship and is being clear he doesn’t want it, this might change over time, but there are many obstacles to overcome here, and it would be very easy for him to become the scapegoat for all the problems that may come up.

Please please please don't go on holiday without him like you say you will. The hurt this can cause is immense.

Not a step-parent but have slightly bigger age gap between the kids. My older one has at times resented having a younger sibling although they have a good relationship overall.

I would say that an older child has more of an opinion about siblings and remembers life pre -siblings so I think it’s worth you finding out what bothers him at his mum’s home and reassure him it won’t happen in your home. And in general ensure that you do your utmost to mitigate any negative effects from the baby. The older one keeps the outings, one on one time, hobbies, rooms he is used to. You get the older child a gift from the baby when baby comes home. You emphasise the importance of an older brother, you involve him in baby care and make him feel important. Basically you’re looking at putting in considerable effort to ensure the sibling relationship is positive. And you don’t resent it if the older one is not super keen, but keep going. I would say initially it’s important that the older one gets more love and attention than the baby as the baby won’t care and won’t compare the treatment.
You might still get pushback but hopefully it won’t be too much and the siblings can develop a good bond. Do anticipate that the younger one might hero worship the older and that teens can be quite harsh and dismissive. They don’t really mean it same as the toddler doesn’t really mean to upset the older one by smashing all the Lego.