Stepson doesn’t want a sibling

[Kitkat2407]

My stepson is turning 7 this year and I’ve been in his life since he was 3. He has a half sister from his mum turning 2 this year. Her partner also has 2 children. My stepson is my partners only child and he is the only grandchildren to my MIL and FIL. My partner and I are trying to conceive (think positive for us!) but recently my stepson has started saying to my partner that he wants to come over as there are no babies here!! I’m worried about his reaction when we get pregnant. Does anyone have advice on how to tell him and what we can do to make sure that he is ok with this next step. This will be my first child and I’m really excited, so is my partner but I am worried that he won’t take the news well and selfishly I don’t want him to end up making this experience miserable for us all. Any tips you have would be appreciated!!

No one deserves to be a parent it's not a right that people have it either happens or it doesn't but it's not about worth.
Also she knew he already had a child and that that.childs feelings are important.
The PP wasn't saying that OP shouldn't have a baby just that she should listen to her step sons worries, not dismiss them and try and understand how he feels . Then help him cope with the change that will undoubtedly happen.
He will have half siblings on both side of his family living with both of their parents. He will be worried about where he fits in and be scared that in both his houses he might be a lower priority than his siblings.

Normal kids in a family? Are you saying this little boy isn't a normal kid in a family?

I think it really depends on how you approach it, when the hypothetical baby is here.

I have a child from my first marriage, my husband has children from his first marriage. We had child together last year.

Smallest age gap is 7 years, largest is 14. Throughout my pregnancy all the children were reassured that there wouldn’t be enormous changes to their lives and I suppose in part down to good luck, and health, we’ve been able to hold true to that. There have been no changes to any routines, extracurricular activities, time spent 1:1 etc. The baby is very happy, easy going and has just slotted in.

After the initial “oooh new baby” excitement, the boys weren’t tremendously interested, not at all. Now the baby is crawling around and generally interactive, they are again. The girls have largely remained very engaged. Both is fine, all were given space to adapt to their new sibling. It has actually brought us closer together as a family, which I know could well just be good luck, but I hope that how we approached things has been a help too.

For those saying it is just like a large nuclear family for an only to then have 3 siblings (with a potential addition at some point), it isn't the same. Firstly, unless you have triplets etc it is unlikely that an only will gain 3 siblings in the space of a year. Secondly, some of those siblings live full time with their parents, they don't get shunted between houses, they don't miss out on holidays when their parents go on holiday with their joint child and shunt the step child off to the other parent.

This young child has had an enormous amount of change in his young life, and there is more change to come.

Just think how many threads are on here from step mums saying they struggle with their stepchildren, resent them being there spoiling the weekends, impacting the time with their partner, impacting the time with the joint children. Can't you see that this is probably how this young child feels, all these new adults and stepchildren being brought into his life, with no choice.

She's considering the child's feelings - hence posting here for advice.

I'm not sure calling a child who has a caring stepmum the "victim" helps here.

It's lovely to hear it's bought you closer together - I do hear that a lot ❤

Ma’am, this is the step-parenting board…

Do you haunt threads in Adoption and tell worried posters that you’d never adopt, too?

OP you sound caring and ultimately your SS will get used to it. My SC are 5-8 years older than our DC and also had/have an unstable time at their mum’s. They’d probably prefer we didn’t have DC too but it’s not their decision. As a stepparent, you can’t care more than the parents.

Your child will be the absolute centre of your world and the love you have for SS will pale in comparison. You will resent SS coming with diseases and bad manners and habits. You will wish you had a nuclear family. You will relish the holidays without SS. None of this means you’ll regret having DC!

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams’ comment about the age gap is worth considering and something I didn’t factor in enough… When SC are here, DC and I often don’t see much of them or DH because their interests are so far apart.

From what you said it sounds like he's got a lot going on - and your home is calm, quiet and he's the only focus. Who wouldn't love that?! So it doesn't surprise me he's saying that at all.

But he'll come around, of course he will - I think you're doing a lovely job of trying to think of him and how to bring this new family in as happily as possible for all concerned.

Do you have things that just he and his dad do? We created 'George and Fred Time' - we labelled it as that so they KNEW it was their time with Dad, not just more of the same. We started it before I got pregnant, that was a tradition and it didn't change when I was pregnant or when our shared a children came along. During the first few years when ours were tiny and boring they always had this time. Now they usually pool their time together and we all do something together but it's still a really tangible way DSs can understand they are special to their dad and their time is protected.

Aside from when mine were little babies sometimes George time etc would sometimes be out at the park / cinema / bike ride etc, and sometimes I would take the babies out for a few hours so the boys also got a chance to just chill in the house with no toddlers if they wanted that too. It doesn't have to be all go go go.

Your DS will be fine, and his Dad should be doing a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of explaining, reassuring him.

You can't catastrophise everything. There's no proof at all that he feels or will feel any of these things!

If the adults are loving supportive with a genuine curiosity for his feelings and how they can help then he'll be grand. But being supportive and loving does not mean never having any more children because the existing children would rather not.

Op you sound like a caring person and do want the best for your step son. Unfortunately there isn’t a way making sure he never feels neglected or left out. I would maybe get some books about blended families and openly discuss any worries he may have with him, and expect some kick back and resentment. Social stories are good conversation starters with children. You will love your biological child more than you DSS, it’s natural to feel that. You will also be exhausted from the new born lack of sleep etc so may find you don’t have as much time or energy as you do now for DSS. It would be really important for DSS to spend good quality 1-1 time with his dad and also 1-1 time with you.

She clearly cares about his feelings otherwise she wouldn’t be asking for advice online.

Yep. Sounds like OP cares about SS’s feelings significantly more than his own mother does.

A child doesn’t get to decide if adults have a baby. He has made his feelings clear and that’s it really. But children equally can say they don’t want to move house or they don’t want a certain puppy or they do want a puppy. It’s up the adults to say - yeah I get that small babies are hard work / but they aren’t small babies for long and then you will have a sister or brother to play with etc

Actually it is about what the adults want. OP you sound really empathetic and kind etc and I’m sure your step son won’t be pushed out. Even full siblings can feel pushed out. Ours wanted a sibling and we didn’t tell them until I was 7 months pregnant and they were oblivious to my morning sickness etc we made sure the older ones got more one on one time and also felt like a proper big siblings. Small babies are hard work. They are now 27,18 and 12 and they are great with each other.

Thank you. Your response made me so emotional ❤This gives me hope it will work out as long as we aware of the challenges it will bring. I appreciate you for understanding.

Thank you ❤

I agree.

It's absolutely not the same.
The child isn't being shuttled between 2 homes, with 2 stepparents in the mix and new siblings that they don't live with all the time.

It minimises the effect on the child, because it's not just about a new sibling. It's the dynamics of step and blended families.

OP, I can hardly imagine the instability of that child is anything that any normal parent would want for their child.

A mother pregnant after 4 months, and two new step siblings is a mountain of confusion for any child, to deny it is frankly ridiculous.

Of course he is clinging to the calm of his fathers house and the idea of yet another new child does not appeal to him at all.
This is his truth.

Denying the reality of the confusion this child must be feeling, will not help you.

I would seek professional advice as to how to reassure him best.
It might save you a lot of drama.

It certainly doesn't read as stable, it reads very much like a Jeremy Kyle episode.

Try and save yourself some by figuring out how best to make this ok for this obviously very confused little boy, before any baby appears.

Believe me when you have a baby, the very last thing you would want is for your child to end up as confused as that little fellow in a similar situation.

Good luck.

The stepchild will be surrounded by siblings who get to spend all their time with their parents while he only gets each parent half the time or less.

Budgetbuster -"I had been in his life since he was 4. His mum had a baby about a year before me (her partner was relatively new on the scene... definitely less than 2 years before the baby arrived)"

Seriously the bitchiness and nastiness of that comment gave no context other than to say his mum had a baby - the rest about ehr timing and new partner are just plain nasty.

Stick to the point and try not to be so horrible,

OP - he will be fine if you and his DF make sure he is part of the process and involved.

Actually it made my point quite clearly.

It was a big rush and it stressed my stepson out ALOT. So much so he doesn't see his mother as often as he used to. He was thrown into a situation he had no control of and was essentially cast aside.

So she had a baby a year before you and your point is what other than to blame the mother and trying to show you are a "better" person. Your posts on here are just vile and unnecessary of a situation you know nothing about and have made assumptions about.

OP is thinking about his feelings which is always a good start in a blended family rather than the step child will ahve to suck it up brigade

It wasn't about it being a year before me... it was that my stepson (like the OPs) was very vocal about not wanting siblings. So when we decided we wanted kids we waited a long time until we had one... we spent years telling him that one day in the future he will likely have a sibling (and we specifically mentioned that we could have a child or his mother could have a child).

My point is... meeting a man, moving him in and getting pregnant within a year was detrimental to my stepson. All during covid years where he was already struggling with school closures etc. It meant that ultimately he felt pushed out and decided to.spend less time with his mother. So it's a very important fact.

Yes, we are better people. Because much like the OP we listened to my stepchild and thought about him before bringing another child into his world. Exactly what the OP is looking for advice on. I am not blaming the mother, she can do what she likes, but she has lost out on a relationship with her older child.