BM invites DH's family to SD's bday

[Anuta77]

So DH has 2 exes (I can already envision the judgemental comments from some 😂): two sons from ex1 and one daughter from ex2 (the BM in question).

SD always ends up with her mother on her bday, her friends are closer there, so it's normal. Her mother decided after the separation with DH 11 years ago that she will keep his sons (her ex step sons) close. Each time it's SD's bday, she invites them. She doesn't have to, because she knows that DH ALWAYS does something for SD's bday and she also has a son from previous relationship as well as new step children and SD's friends. So she does have a crowd for SD's bday.

Now, once my stepsons went to SD's party, the're not going to celebrate her again, so when it's our turn to do something with her, it's basically just DH, me and our child as well as my other son, the same people she sees when she comes to stay with us EOW. So it's much more boring for SD who clearly doesn't even make it a priority. Today is her bday, the party was yesterday and she told DH that he can come see her, but then he needs to bring her to whatever other plans she's made. Obviously when it's like this, I'm not going to come with my children, because we'll be just waiting for her to wake up late from the party (outside in the car), then driving her elsewhere.

If my stepsons were available, we could have had a bigger and nice gathering.
I know that people have the right to do whatever they want, but does it feel that BM has been overstepping all these years?

Honestly a birthday is about the person having the birthday - if your partner split with her mum 11 years ago she is likely a teen. You mention you have her every other weekend - does that mean she is with her mum 12 days out of 14, if so that makes the mum the primary parent and her party is going to be the primary party. If you do the school runs and hard slog you get to call dibs on the big party imo.

As others have said I think it is lovely that she includes SB’s as she always did and kept that continuity for her daughter. It would be nice if your partner and his ex could try and be amicable for the kids so he can attend his daughter’s birthday and it isn’t being split into different celebrations. My parents split around 30 years ago, they have had some major blow outs but for xmas and birthdays my dad will usually come over even if it’s just for an hour. It is nice we have both our parents there even if we know they are just bring nice to each other for our sakes. My brother and his ex absolutely hate each other but they suck it up and do joint birthdays, smile and pretend for their kid - it is never in their houses, always in a venue usually with an activity involved. It is about the person having the birthday!

May have missed it but cannot see her age. Am guessing mid-teens at least so not surprised she's suiting herself.

I would step back from the 'parties and celebrations' and have a nice lunch or even just cake with her when you can near her birthday and leave it at that.

I agree with you. Her mum has no business inviting his sons to her party but probably wants to be a cool mum, she probably knows it means the party from dad’s side is ruined a bit.

What I would do for next time is do something for DSD BEFORE her mum’s party. That way the brothers come to dad’s you do your thing and they miss the right party.

Well as the brothers are adults and the child whos bday we're talking about is a teen doing this without her permission will seriously backfire on op and her husband especially after 11 years.
What appears to be happening is that the op came along as wife no 3 and caused so much hassle with her attitude and unreasonable expectations and demands that mum and dad dont speak or get on anymore. Add to that dad and stepmother only see sd every other weekend and the stepmother is pissed off at not getting to host a party as sd wants her party at mums (her main home) with her friends and family including her older brothers not at dad's with her younger siblings and new stepbrother (ops son from a previous relationship) as most teenagers would.
Unless the op has a massive attitude and personality change very soon her stepdaughter will stop coming over to her dad's because of her stepmother, but I'm sure that @Anuta77 will blame that on the ex again

This thread is mental.

Your SD's mother is hosting her birthday party. SD probably wants her brothers there so they're invited.

I genuinely cannot see the problem - unless it's that your child isn't invited too?

YABVU OP in thinking the 'BM' has been overstepping. She's always invited her dss', that is their norm. Do you expect they should be passed on like batons in a relay race every time their father gets a new partner? These DC have very complicated lives with all of the step dynamics, kudos to the BM for trying to maintain some sort of consistency. You are just annoyed as you feel your party is the boring one.

She has always invited the dss', why is it "no business of hers"? Very petty to think she's doing this to sabotage the father's party. He's on family #3, the mother is most likely trying to keep this very chaotic situation consistent for her DD.

You’re essentially trying to compete with SD’s mum and that’s never going to end well.

You don’t even sound like you want to give your SD a lovely birthday, you just want to get one up on your husband’s ex.

SD is a teenager I’m assuming so ask her what she’d like to do with your side of the family - shopping and dinner, theatre, escape room, whatever - instead of being focussed on throwing her a better party than her DM, because that’s not going to happen.