BM invites DH's family to SD's bday

[Anuta77]

So DH has 2 exes (I can already envision the judgemental comments from some 😂): two sons from ex1 and one daughter from ex2 (the BM in question).

SD always ends up with her mother on her bday, her friends are closer there, so it's normal. Her mother decided after the separation with DH 11 years ago that she will keep his sons (her ex step sons) close. Each time it's SD's bday, she invites them. She doesn't have to, because she knows that DH ALWAYS does something for SD's bday and she also has a son from previous relationship as well as new step children and SD's friends. So she does have a crowd for SD's bday.

Now, once my stepsons went to SD's party, the're not going to celebrate her again, so when it's our turn to do something with her, it's basically just DH, me and our child as well as my other son, the same people she sees when she comes to stay with us EOW. So it's much more boring for SD who clearly doesn't even make it a priority. Today is her bday, the party was yesterday and she told DH that he can come see her, but then he needs to bring her to whatever other plans she's made. Obviously when it's like this, I'm not going to come with my children, because we'll be just waiting for her to wake up late from the party (outside in the car), then driving her elsewhere.

If my stepsons were available, we could have had a bigger and nice gathering.
I know that people have the right to do whatever they want, but does it feel that BM has been overstepping all these years?

Do her party before her birthday and invite her brothers?

They don’t have to, but that’s the choice they’re making.

Why aren’t you telling us how old the DC are, OP?

From the sounds of it, everyone is old enough to make their own decisions and they’d rather go to his ex’s celebration.

Why won’t you say how old your step children are OP? I must say, you aren’t coming across well on this thread at all. Not only are you being rude but also somewhat caustic with a nasty chip on your shoulder.
You are basically complaining that your DH’s ex has such a good relationship with her step sons that she has the audacity to invite them to their sister’s birthday each year. You want her not to invite them so they’ll come to your party instead. Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds? Asking a woman who has had the decency to remain in the life of two boys she is not related to to suddenly refrain from naturally including them in a family gathering is borderline, controlling.

I don’t think it matters when the parties are, though. They know there will be two parties each year, presumably have invites to both of them beforehand, only want to go to one, and consistently pick the other one.

I don’t see how it is your business, and I can’t understand why you are upset about it

Your stepdaughter’s mother organises a birthday party for her daughter, and invites her two siblings who also aren’t your kids…what does any of it have to do with you?

Then what you should aim for is a situation where you all go to her "main" birthday party. That's on you, her dad and her mum to acheieve that.

This is completely batshit. Your dh needs to stop having kids with several women.

That's not even the issue. Mum of daughter obviously gets on well enough with mum of sons' for them to peacefully attend her birthday party. It is just OP and her partner who do not get on with the mum well enough to be able to play an active part in her main birthday party.

I don’t think the BM term is needed. Usually this is for adoption situations or other situations where the child does not see the birth mother. She is just her mum. I am confused why you can’t invite DHs children to whatever celebration you have for SDs birthday? In the situation if I was friends/related to both parents somehow and I was invited to both I would go to both. They can’t possibly be at the same time as SD needs to be at them both.

Honestly and I know you hadn’t remotely considered this possibility but your attitude is one of the problems here and in your sarky replies on MN.

Your step daughter’s mother sounds very considerate to her daughter.

If your DH wants to do something great with all of his children, which they all find attractive, as their actual parent in common he should have the excellent parental insight that means he should be able to organise it.

I feel like you're just frustrated with the responses you are getting and its making you come across as really rude.

I also dont understand why you are so upset at them attending their half sisters main birthday party on her actual birthday? The main thing is that his daughter is happy right? Do something else with her when you guys see her.

You’re being ridiculous, your SSons can go to both. It’s very strange you think it’s one or the other. If they refuse to come and see their dad and siblings that says more about their relationship with their dad then it does about a party

I am starting to feel you may be the problem here

I suspect the issue here is you. Are you this rule and controlling irl. They dont want to come because of you op. They are adults you cannot dictate their relationship with their siblings.

Your step daughter is old enough to have a boyfriend - so a teenager presumably?

Your step sons are adults.

It's your step daughter's birthday.

Your step daughter has four step siblings and two half siblings, but only two are older, the rest younger?

It sounds as though you're seeing this through the lense of who gets to host the "main" celebration, with main being defined by the presence of the oldest (adult) sons?

Surely your step daughter is the one deciding how to celebrate her birthday?

Are you sure it is your step daughter's mother deciding who is invited to her teenage daughter's parties, rather than your step daughter herself?

Sounds like the mum has a tradition of throwing fantastic parties which the siblings enjoy. Your criticism sounds like jealousy and sour grapes.

I have to agree with everyone else (which, considering this is MN, is quite a feat).
You are coming across as really rude on this thread.
Calling your SD's Mum her 'BM' is just bizarre. She's her Mum (or Mam or Mom, depending where you are from).
The 'issue' just isn't an issue.
Your SD's Mum has clearly been magnanimous enough, over the years, to include her dd's half brothers in her birthday celebrations. That would be viewed as a nice thing by most people.
Your dh has then moved on (again) to you, and you seem to be stropping like a toddler because you want to host some sort of birthday celebration as well.

If your SD wants another celebration (and, you've given no indication of how old she was when your jealousy started), but if she does, then all you have to do is choose to do something completely different the following week. So, if, when she was 7, her Mum hosted a party in a hall with an entertainer and party food, you could then have taken people for a trip out to a farm, and so on. Obviously, now the SS's from the first marriage are adults, they will presumably not be attending 'parties' in the same way but will see her when they want to and make their own arrangements. But your dh inviting everyone for a meal together would probably mean they would all come.
You seem to be creating some sort of weird situation where there is none.

I think your husband should ask SD what she wants for her birthday. Not everyone thinks celebrations are more fun with more people. She might prefer just getting time one on one with her father. She might prefer a small gathering at your home, just not so soon after the other party.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wha the BM is doing. Your DH is lucky he has an ex who looked after his other son’s for 11 years so well that they want to go round to her house to celebrate their sister’s birthday.

If your DH wanted a simple life he probably shouldn’t have had children with 3 different women. As it is, he should try and come up with his own traditions to keep his and his children’s relationships strong and flexible and to celebrate birthdays.

The fact that you use BM rather than mum/mother says a lot (and not good).

dsd mum is doing a nice thing inviting her siblings to her birthday. You can also invite them to yours. If they choose their ex stepmum and dad over u then that suggests issues with your dh and his dc.
But know she’s not doing anything wrong

god forbid the woman remain close to children she once parented, and encourage a sibling bond.

it’s also weird that they won’t celebrate the birthday again, most kids are happy to attend more than one party and eat more cake
This doesn’t seem like her fault.

Once she invites them, their father can not invite them again, because they obviously have other things in their life other than their half-sister. Clearer now?
im absolutely baffled about this. of course he can invite them again and they can choose if they want to see their sister twice in a month, just once a year.

I’m also not clear why her seeing just her usual family is an issue really and why that makes it boring. So make it fun? Lots of kids spend their birthday with just parents and siblings that they already live with, this feels like you’re looking for an excuse or someone else to blame for DHs lack of effort.

Tbf He only sees her 4 days a month, and you aren’t taking her siblings to see her on her birthday because it’s not ‘worthwhile’
BM isn’t the issue here

The oldest half siblings (the ones the OP wants at her step daughter's party at her house) are adults according to the OP.

That doesn't change the fact that the teenager herself should be the one who's wishes matter when it comes to her own birthday, and it's hardly surprising that she wants her family party in the home she lives in 26 days a month, not the one she lives in four days a month! It does explain why they're not excited about going to eat cake twice in a week for the same little sister's birthday though. These young adults have a lot of younger half and step siblings!

So for context I am a SM. I also have been married 3 times and don’t consider myself to be a bad person, unfortunately life doesn’t always go to plan, so no judgement for your DH on that one.

However, I also fail to see the issue here. Your DH is the father of all these children in question. If he has an issue why isn’t he pulling rank and insisting he have all his children celebrating with him? If he doesn’t have an issue then why do you?

I also can’t see why SS can’t celebrate twice? My kids certainly wouldn’t turn down an extra celebration with anyone! (I have 4 kids aged 22 years to 10 months).

Surely it is down to your husband to create the family bond with his kids if that’s what he wants?

As far as most recent ex still inviting her SS. That’s nice. Most step-families don’t have that level of a bond so amazing for them that they do. Also sounds like she was willing to have you and yours there too but it was your choice to opt out. Can’t really expect everyone else to opt out just because you did.

You are making this your issue but it should be your DH’s issue. They are his kids.