BM invites DH's family to SD's bday

[Anuta77]

So DH has 2 exes (I can already envision the judgemental comments from some 😂): two sons from ex1 and one daughter from ex2 (the BM in question).

SD always ends up with her mother on her bday, her friends are closer there, so it's normal. Her mother decided after the separation with DH 11 years ago that she will keep his sons (her ex step sons) close. Each time it's SD's bday, she invites them. She doesn't have to, because she knows that DH ALWAYS does something for SD's bday and she also has a son from previous relationship as well as new step children and SD's friends. So she does have a crowd for SD's bday.

Now, once my stepsons went to SD's party, the're not going to celebrate her again, so when it's our turn to do something with her, it's basically just DH, me and our child as well as my other son, the same people she sees when she comes to stay with us EOW. So it's much more boring for SD who clearly doesn't even make it a priority. Today is her bday, the party was yesterday and she told DH that he can come see her, but then he needs to bring her to whatever other plans she's made. Obviously when it's like this, I'm not going to come with my children, because we'll be just waiting for her to wake up late from the party (outside in the car), then driving her elsewhere.

If my stepsons were available, we could have had a bigger and nice gathering.
I know that people have the right to do whatever they want, but does it feel that BM has been overstepping all these years?

I think it's lovely that the second wife has maintained a relationship with her step children, her daughters brothers.

The op on the other hand sounds bitter and insecure about being the third, which is a shame if it impacts any of the children.

Poor kids with so many step and half siblings. If SD enjoys the parties her mum holds with whoever is invited then surely that is what counts.

Why poor kids for having siblings? At least 3 of these kids seem really happy with their lives.

Really, this birthday tradition he has failed to set up needs to be about him and his daughter. Not ‘we’. It’s him that needs to use the knowledge he has as her father to work out what she might like to do and then they should do it. They could go to a restaurant every year, they could go to the theatre or surf together, whatever it is.

She’s clearly getting all she needs first her birthday with step siblings and half siblings from elsewhere. Just because her dad has started a third family does not mean she needs to celebrate her birthday with those people. I think she’s really making it as clear as she can without saying the words ‘I’ve had a party with mum, Jim and Bob and I don’t want another one’.

To me, this is up to her dad now. He needs to think of something and then implement it. Remember how we walked up that hill when you were seven and your shoelace snapped and we had to use the dogs collar to strap your shoe on…well let’s walk up there again for your birthday, I’ll bring the champagne.

The step daughter's mum sounds great and she puts on a lovely party for her. You can't duplicate that so you and your DH need to find a way to start a different birthday tradition for when she is with you. Doesn't have to be around her actual birthday either - taking her out to her favourite restaurant the week after or week before every year would work better for you. This tradition could last well into her adult life, long after she grows out of big family parties at her mum's house.

Step daughter is really lucky to have a big family, including OP around her who are interest in her and want to celebrate with her.

I think it's just that having so many different families & sets of children involved is adding so many more complicated family dynamics in to things. Things can be complicated enough when people just have children with one person. The SD seems to have older & younger half siblings from her dad (two different women), younger half siblings from her mum plus step siblings from both mum & dad's current partners. It's inevitable all these people aren't going to see eye to eye all the time. However, it does sound lovely that SD's half brothers are included as family still by her mum.

Even my parents both have half siblings so it's just a norm for me

The only time birth mother should be used is in an adoptive or social services took into care situation.

as to the rest of it - what’s it got to do with you? The mother sounds like a good egg.

I’m a tad confused. Surely nice her siblings are at her birthday /party

if need be do something the week before her birthday and invite everyone

My kids have siblings, half siblings and step siblings. Don’t think they would ever be classed as “poor kids” by anyone let alone themselves. They have lots of beautiful relationships and an easy going nature that they may not have had from a “simpler life”. Can’t make sweeping judgements about all step families like this.

I’d say being a step mum is very hard.
If I were you I’d just nail a warm smile on and go with the flow and get as much me time as you can.
Best wishes. 🤞

Fair enough, I didn't call them 'poor kids' but clarified what a pp might have meant. I do think it is more likely to be complicated but I don't think it's impossible to be ok (in op's situation it clearly does cause friction)

But why does it all have to happen so close? Surely your husband has his sons over to visit? Why can't you all do something for your SD's birthday when everyone is there?

Honestly I think the issue is you and your dh. What she is doing is lovely.

Nothing is stopping your dh inviting his stepsons to a second party/outing for your dsd. Ye seem to be assuming that they wouldn't want to celebrate your dsd twice but have you asked them. You don't necessarily have to have a party. Maybe an outing to cinema and a pizza etc.

meh, she's maintain the sibling relationship for her daughter regardless of your DH. which is smart frankly as the kids aren't dependent on him see each other. i assume she's been doing this since before you were an item, as she would've had the boys around when her and your DH were together.

I think expecting her not to invite her kids siblings is unreasonable, why can't he just pop over for an hour to give a gift and say hello to the if they're all there?

Not really…

Unless his sons are adults surely you just do something on his visitation.

If the sons are adults then it’s up to them what they attend and by the sounds of it a lot more people will be at the daughters mums thrown party than yours so I’d expect that one gets picked again as more fun.

If the daughter is happily planning the party and always wants it at her mum you just have to suck up this is part of separated and many times in this case blended families.

It’s not the daughters or her mothers fault her brothers want to attend that party than whatever you guys arrange.

but it shouldn't "do" anything.

She's having a party for her daughter. She extends the invite to the boys that were part of her family too for however long she was with their dad. They are free to choose to go or not.
Dad can also make arrangements and they can also choose to go to that, or not.

How old are all these children, if it's been 11 years I'm assuming teens? Not toddlers blowing out candles. I don't see why you find it hurtful.

The mum has a whole family of her own she could have at her thing though, I feel she could let the dad do the bit where he has all of his children together rather than taking that bit for herself too.

Is she getting a bit old for parties, could you arrange a cool event/big activity for your part instead?

Unless I missed a post, it doesn't sound like dads actually tried to do that though, rather just assumed that his son's wouldn't come because they've already been to the ex-step mums.
If dad makes plans and the boys still decline in favour of his ex wifes place, well that is something he might need to think about a bit deeper!

I really don’t know why you’re getting so invested if your partner and step daughter and other step sons are happy.

however, the extremely obvious solution if you want your families celebrations to compete and win the competition is for you to arrange yours earlier /first

Why don’t you just pick another day - a weekday evening perhaps, and all go out to dinner?

im very confused by your SD’s attitude tbh, you’re suggesting she’s not interested in celebrating again because she can’t be bothered to celebrate 2 days in a row…..that’s a bit weird. We always celebrate my SD with a separate event, I can’t imagine her ever saying she can’t be bothered. It all sounds like there’s not a lot of love going on.

You've said yourself, that's her main birthday party. The one all of her friends go to. Why would her mother exclude her brothers from that?

That's the second post you've been really rude. No wonder she doesn't like you.

OP isn’t the solution for next year your DH to get in there first with the invitations? He can make a plan for the day that he’ll be seeing SD and invite his sons to that before the ex arranges her party?