Young man dating a Single Mother

[ThisPeachOrca]

As title, I'd like to hear from other mothers as I'm quite young.

I'm a 25 year old man who met another 25 year old woman 3 months ago. We're great together and have the same mind concerning future goals etc. She has a child that is 4 years old but says the child lives with her mother and has done for years.. and that she is not close with her own daughter compared to her mother (why she would tell me this, I don't know).

Now.. I like this woman a lot, and I mean a lot; she also likes me a lot and has said it.. "I'd be happy to be with you". But I want to hear from single mothers (or mothers in general) on what is the wise thing to do. I'm aware the child's father is still in communication with the child and the child's grandmother, but the extent of his involvement, I don't know, apparently it's just financial support but I didn't dive deeper as I could tell she didn't like talking about it - maybe the way I asked her was too blunt. I don't enjoy the idea of potentially dealing with him in the future. Though she herself claims to "not have spoken to him in years".

Are there questions I can ask her or myself to make a more informed decision?

Different opinions from friends/family.

She lost custody and isnt allowed to live with her kids. Most likely social services, previous domestic abuse or drugs

I wouldn’t date anyone (male or female) who had so little contact with their child. There’s normally a reason.

But generally, if someone seems uncomfortable with questions, stop asking them and wait. It’s been three months, she doesn’t owe you her life story.

Find yourself a nice girl who hasn't had her kids removed.

Just out of interest, where did you meet her?

Forgot to mention.. she is living in another country. Senegal to be precise.

I think the question you need to be asking is what kind of a person this 25 year old woman is if she has very little involvement in her own child's life and is happy for her Mother to completely raise her with financial (and potentially other) help from the child's father.

I don't think you need to worry about ever meeting the child and certainly not dealing with the child's father because your new girlfriend can't be bothered so I'm not sure why she'd involve you.

I'd be asking myself why is this the setup, and where do you fit into all this - let's say in 5 years time you go on to have a child with her, what's she going to do? She isn't a typical single mother! Rather there appears to be a single grandmother

Befriend her for a while longer.
Watch her with her mother and her child.
Ask her questions when it is the right moment.

Met her at a dating event. Obvsiously it wouldn't cross me to ask about kids as it was one organised for young students. She told me a month into it, or rather I felt the need to ask.. out of the blue.

A parent who isn't raising their own child is a huge red flag, whether a mum or a dad (obviously excepting standard custody arrangements). The advice generally given to a woman in your position who meets a man who doesn't see much of his own children is to consider how they would feel ending up a single parent raising a child completely alone as this person has form...

Thanks I will do, but what questions because I feel like I've asked her a lot. To bring up questions again makes me look accusatory.

She's at university so her mother thought it's better to take control of the child so she can focus. The child wasn't planned at all (for lack of better words)

I would not waste my time on a parent who has given up their child. For me that says everything I need to know about their character.

She's at university so her mother thought it's better to take control of the child so she can focus. The child wasn't planned at all (for lack of better words)

My advice remains the same. Find yourself a nice girl who hasn't had her children removed.

I wouldn't say given up but more it was her mother's advice as she's at university so her mother thought it's better to take control of the child so she can focus. The child wasn't planned at all (for lack of better words)

She still tells me of her plans for her child in the future. But you raise a decent point

The alarms bell are ringing very loudly. Why is she not parenting her little girl, she says she isn’t close to her. That is one hell of a glaringly big red flag. As Zip says find yourself a nice girl who hasn’t abandoned her 4 year old daughter in another country. You’re very young, focus on yourself and your future rather than ingratiate yourself in what sounds like a very messy situation.

Lots of children aren't planned... most of their mothers don't abandon them to move countries and leave the child with the grandmother and have basically nothing to do with said child.

The obvious question is why she is not looking after her child herself.
Maybe you won't need to ask because the answer will become apparent once you know her for longer.
Do you want to know if she has used drugs?
If she'd one day like to be an involved parent?

I can do, so your suggestion is to move on? It's not an issue and I can find another person, but it just seemed like she liked me a lot compared to anyone I've been with.

🚩run now. That sounds like a pandora's box that you do not want to open.

You keep making excuses but ultimately, good people don't abandon their children to someone else's care in another country unless they don't care about the kid or they have such a chaotic life they can't keep a kid safe. Either way, not somebody most or us would want to date.

She plans to be involved in the future yes. No she's anti drugs and all of that.

She's at university so not with her child at the moment

Yes I have to make excuses because naturally I'm a blunt guy. In the past I would sack this from day 1, but I thought to give it a chance and see what she's really like and not make judgements.

I understand your views though, it's a really nice girl I'd be leaving so it's kind of hard

Some cultures (even married couples) often have the grandmothers full time caring for their grandchildren if the mother is working or at university.
Is your girlfriend Maori or Chinese?

You are 25 years old! Still very young. Please don’t waste precious time. I sincerely hope you move on. This relationship doesn’t sound like a good option for you.

Plans to be with her child in the future?

I can assure you that won't happen. Her child is already 4 and barely knows her mother, she won't want to be with her mother.

Her whole story is just insane