Young man dating a Single Mother

[ThisPeachOrca]

As title, I'd like to hear from other mothers as I'm quite young.

I'm a 25 year old man who met another 25 year old woman 3 months ago. We're great together and have the same mind concerning future goals etc. She has a child that is 4 years old but says the child lives with her mother and has done for years.. and that she is not close with her own daughter compared to her mother (why she would tell me this, I don't know).

Now.. I like this woman a lot, and I mean a lot; she also likes me a lot and has said it.. "I'd be happy to be with you". But I want to hear from single mothers (or mothers in general) on what is the wise thing to do. I'm aware the child's father is still in communication with the child and the child's grandmother, but the extent of his involvement, I don't know, apparently it's just financial support but I didn't dive deeper as I could tell she didn't like talking about it - maybe the way I asked her was too blunt. I don't enjoy the idea of potentially dealing with him in the future. Though she herself claims to "not have spoken to him in years".

Are there questions I can ask her or myself to make a more informed decision?

Different opinions from friends/family.

This is probably a cultural thing, are you a similar culture?

ok, i think leaving your child with grandparents more of a common thing in countries such as Senegal but I would still be cautious.....what are her plans after uni, she might not even have the rights to remain in the UK. How deep do you want to get into a relationship with someone who might have to emigrate in a couple of years time or suddenly have a child move here to live with them? I would also be cautious of being used for visa needs.

I think I messed up then because I thought the same things and broke up with her 3 weeks ago, then she messaged me again recently and I got feelings back for her again. What do I do since she's honestly such a good person that has helped me to this day.

Just want to make sure I'm not thinking in the wrong way, being too rash, blunt, etc.

Totally depends on circumstances. My guess would be that as she had the child relatively young her mum probably encouraged her daughter to go and get her education, and she'd bring up the young child. I've heard of similar scenarios, and the family raise the child. Not saying it's right but I think it's different than losing custody due to neglect or abuse etc. What I'd be doing in your position is finding out if she wants more kids in the future and how she would want to raise them.

I think grandparents bringing up their grandchildren whilst their parents work in the uk is more common in other countries. I had friends about twenty years ago in South London, and one of them had left her daughter in Sri Lanka while she worked and another had left her daughter in Nigeria. It was planned that they would reunite when the child was older. Maybe it’s more common in her culture.

True, I just don't know anymore. What should I do.

I can keep asking her questions or asking my friends/family, but everyone gives a different answer!

I don't know!

Yes a bit similar

Yes this is exactly what I was thinking. I believe it is this, so thinking if it's worth investing in her or just move on.

@ThisPeachOrca

There may be some cultural issues here.
Many, many people from poor and developing countries leave their children with family members to move abroad for better opportunities, and send remittances home.
In this country we are very focused on the nuclear family, many other countries are not the same.
What isn't clear at all is where everyone is, are you in the UK, where is the child and grandmother, where is she - at university in the UK?

The answers to those questions may be more helpful in considering whether she has abandoned her child or is following cultural practices.

I don't want to be led by my emotions so I'm looking for advice here... is it wise for me 25M to go ahead or just move on

I'm in the UK just got done with my studies

Herself, the child and Grandmother in Senegal
Shes studying at university in Senegal

I appreciate different cultures work differently and it would help if you could share her county of origin however if her telling you she isn’t close to her 4 year old daughter doesn’t knock some sense into you it’s up to you. Would you be prepared to take sole care of a baby you might have with her when she fucks off again once it’s born? Wake up.

What does she like about you?

Is it an issue if she's not close with her child if I'm looking for a relationship with her though? Assuming she won't be with her child in the future..

Help me see clearly

Sorry crossed posts. Culturally Senegal has strong family values. Her attitude isn’t representative of it.

I get you, one final thing. How do you know she hasn't truly changed? The child wasn't planned, it was during 'days of fun' and I think she was uncomfortable initially. I thought she wants to settle down now and has changed

Its definitely common if the parent is in a different country but not if they're both in the same place which is what it sounds like.
A grandparent taking care of their grandchild whilst their child is at Uni is one thing but living with them is a red flag to me.
sounds like for some reason she's not capable of taking care of the child and is not being transparent.

It's a good question - my respectability and focus

If she wanted to change and settle down her first priority would be her child, not a man.

You are in UK... she isn't in Senegal.

Is she expecting you to move, or her?

Presumably you haven't even met her aside from online?

How do you know she has? You’ve known her for 5 minutes. I don’t think it’s unfair of me to say it’s quite unnatural for a mother to leave her child. The very thought of not being with my son gives me indescribable pain.

She’s from Senegal. You’re right though, this is more acceptable in other cultures in these circumstances.

we met in person once when I was in near senegal for business purposses. She's expecting to move to wherever I go to. Told her specifically I'm considering a poor country like Venuzela and she said she doesn't mind. which made me think its genuine

God, raise your standards OP. Surely you can find a girlfriend with fewer red flags?

She's not a gf.