Young man dating a Single Mother

[ThisPeachOrca]

As title, I'd like to hear from other mothers as I'm quite young.

I'm a 25 year old man who met another 25 year old woman 3 months ago. We're great together and have the same mind concerning future goals etc. She has a child that is 4 years old but says the child lives with her mother and has done for years.. and that she is not close with her own daughter compared to her mother (why she would tell me this, I don't know).

Now.. I like this woman a lot, and I mean a lot; she also likes me a lot and has said it.. "I'd be happy to be with you". But I want to hear from single mothers (or mothers in general) on what is the wise thing to do. I'm aware the child's father is still in communication with the child and the child's grandmother, but the extent of his involvement, I don't know, apparently it's just financial support but I didn't dive deeper as I could tell she didn't like talking about it - maybe the way I asked her was too blunt. I don't enjoy the idea of potentially dealing with him in the future. Though she herself claims to "not have spoken to him in years".

Are there questions I can ask her or myself to make a more informed decision?

Different opinions from friends/family.

What is the main issue of her not being with her child given the circumstances of it not being planned in the slightest. I've known her for 3 months. Spoken in person too.

Just tell me why it is a red flag. I'm not arguing but need to understand so I can either stop my feelings for her if needed. Don't people give children for adoption, isn't this similar?

I have met plenty of people specifically from African countries that come here to work and have to leave their children behind. That in itself isn't usual but the way she speaks about her daughter is. I'd throw this on in the bin. Sorry.

I can - she was just giving me the most attention so I thought to give her a chance. We shouldn't judge people.

thank you for the honesty. is it worth asking her any questions for clarity or just sack it

Honestly, if you seriously can’t see the situation clearly I can’t advise you further.

We absolutely should judge people we're planning a life with!

I see the flags that's why I cut ties with her 3 weeks ago, then she messaged me recently again and I was thinking if I made the right decision. I wanted confirmation so thank you.

She was giving you the most attention? That's not a reason to date someone.

There's so many red flags OP. Yes adoption happens, but you've said that she apparently wants to get her kid back in the future. I think if you said she put her kid up for adoption because she was young, unplanned pregnancy, wanted to continue her studies etc it'd be a different story. She didn't do that... she left the child with her mother and eve though all living in Senegal she has nothing to do with the child that she apparently wants back. She's spinning you a yarn because you are showing her interest and fawning over her.

She apparently is willing to follow you anywhere in the world, where does that leave her daughter then? With the grandmother forever or ripped away from her loving grandmother to live with basic strangers?

Genuine question.... besides her showing you attention... what do you like about her?

Or if in Senegal African?

You have a lovely clean, fresh pallet and an opportunity to build yourself a lovely uncomplicated drama free existence
Grab that opportunity with both hands and find somebody else

I guess it depends on what you’re after. If it’s nothing serious or morals aren’t a big concern, then go for it. But think carefully about what you actually want in a partner, and whether her words and actions (not just towards you) match that.

So you've met her in person once and already you are talking about her moving countries to be with you.

What is she studying at university? What are her plans once she graduates?

If you are thinking of moving to Venezuela would she be able to get residence there if you are not married, or is she expecting to marry you?

Sorry for all the questions OP but life has made me a bit of a cynic and this whole situation sounds very odd.

She's probably giving you the 'most attention' because she's desperate. No decent man is going to want a woman who abandoned her own blood, it speaks to her character, and what it says is bad. If she can't even be loyal to her own child, what chance do you have when she gets bored?

Or maybe you seem like a soft touch.

Just because you mentioned a poor country and she agreed doesn't mean she isn't just after you for something like money. It just means she is cunning enough to know what to say to make you put your guard down.

She's expecting to move to wherever I go to......3 months and you've already had this conversation?? Sounds way too complicated to me. A child, a mother, 2 different nationalities, visa complications of moving overseas.....how's she going to do that without a job to support herself......oh wait, this is probably where you come in......

This is quite normal in some countries. Every Filipino domestic worker you meet will have children being brought up by grandparents in the Philippines.

it makes sense if she wanted to continue education and granny was willing to raise the girl, for granny take her and for mum to send money back to granny. Lots of women would have had abortionsin this context (would that make them undatable?) my op’s gf chose to have the baby.

op, I suppose you need to think about what you want long term, if you want a family you need to ensure you’re on the same page.

oh op I thought you had been dating her in person for three months like you went to the same university. If you have just been having online relationship please move on.

Ok so she lives in Senegal? How many times have you visited her?

It sounds an odd way to talk about your child, casually declaring you have no relationship with them. Though I guess unfortunately men do this all the time and still get plenty of new partners.

It sounds a bit dodgy tbh. Though if she is studying and trying to get a career to support herself with a view to child coming back, and there was no neglect etc. just financial reasons it could be more reasonable, or understandable. But if the kid is four and barely knows her I doubt their relationship will be easily repaired.

Either way I'd say it's a red flag in general.

Would you want your children to have a mother who is happy to abandon them?

At 25 your dating pool includes plenty of women that do not bring the complications of existing children. It should take an especially unique woman to want to proceed.

in this case, you have giant waving red banners. She isn’t actively raising her own child and she doesn’t have a good co-parenting relationship.

She isn’t entirely responsible for the co-parenting relationship, but that doesn’t mean it won’t create issues. If she were a great mother otherwise, it’s something you could explore and decide if she just got unlucky, but given the other information, I would not bother.

Op, I’m wondering if there’s a reason you seem attracted to this chaotic lifestyle. You’re at an age where the world is your oyster. Keep your eyes open and do your due diligence before making life decisions.

You are clearly desperate @ThisPeachOrca. You have met her once and the reason you want to be with her is because she has shown you interest. I don't even know where to start but please don't go into a relationship because someone shows an interest. You have no idea why she's interested. Maybe she's just looking for a meal ticket or a visa. You are very naïve if you pursue this girl.

This woman is clearly dating a foreigner abroad with a view to being able to move to a Western country to gain a visa. Please shelve this and if you have a certain type when it comes to women, at least date someone in the same country as you who has their residency already. You will then have a better idea of their intentions.

Except she’s still in Senegal.

Going to add another voice to the fact that this is somewhat normal in other countries.

That doesn't mean I agree with it, or think it is right... but it isn't uncommon or immoral in some places, so people do it.

When I live, I've known quite a few students who barely knew their parents. Their mum + Dad went off to earn money, often in other cities, sometimes other countries, and the child was left with the grandparents to grow up, usually supported by money sent back by the parents. I've known all sorts of arrangements like this, with one or both parents barely seeing their children for parts of their upbringing.

Again, I don't really think it is a good thing to do, but I also wouldn't judge someone so harshly, if they grew up where this was a norm and even the right thing to do. E.g. in the country I live in, the parents think they are doing the right thing (and maybe they are?). They know that they will have to work 10h days, 6 days a week, and can't care for a young child. They can't afford childcare, and if they stayed in their hometown they wouldn't be able to afford to support their child's future. So in their minds, it is sad but inevitable.

Is all of that right? Again, I'd say no, but it is easy to judge from other cultures and "better" situations.

(Does that mean you should be involved with her... I've got no idea... cross cultural relationships are hard, and present loads of differences in attitudes, if you are prepared for that, sure go ahead.)

Kindly, she lives on the other side of the world and is clearly very troubled. Run away.