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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is DS step mum too involved?

105 replies

ViolaMummy · 15/09/2025 11:59

I just wondered if anyone in a similar situation could advise me please.

I separated from DH (ex-DH!) about 2 years ago and we divorced a year ago. He's since remarried and our DS (age 10) lives 50% with me and 50% with ex-DH and his new wife. She has three DD who live with her and ex-DH full time.

When ex-DH and I split there were a lot of emotions but I hoped we could communicate and continue to present a 'united front' at events such as school parents evenings etc.

However, ex-DH insists on his wife being involved in everything relating to our DS. Obviously in their house it's up to her how much she gets involved and I'm pleased DS has a good relationship with her. But I feel she is a bit too involved. She goes to school events with ex-DH, which is fair enough I feel, but I have to go to parents evenings on my own while she goes with DH. I even suggested that we try going together, but they don't want that. I have to message them both at the same time about everything and she'll reply more often that he does. I appreciate that DH doesn't want much contact with me anymore, but we share a son and so need to communicate! Last night she messaged to say that both her and DH were going to the secondary school open evening I am planning to go to. I still feel that in an ideal world DH and I would take DS to these sorts of things together, but maybe I am being unrealistic? The upshot of it is that they will tour the school with DS and I will tour the school on my own as the open evening falls on one of their days to have DS.

A couple of my friends have told me to just get on with it and put up with it, which I am doing because I don't want to cause any further upset for DS. But to me it seems like she should take a step back. Even if she'd had messaged and asked me if I was happy for her to come along to the open day/parents evening etc. it would be been a nice gesture.

If anyone has any thoughts I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

OP posts:

FourIsNewSix · 21/09/2025 21:33

I suppose in their relationship she leads a majority of school related stuff, because of her daughters, so she is just adding your DS to the batch.

Mismatc · 24/09/2025 06:44

My older 2DC are with DH and I 60% of the week and ex-DH 40% of the week. Both are excellent and involved fathers — I’ve been in awe of how well they both handle themselves. DH and I also have a toddler whom ex-DH seems to adore.

Ex-DH set up a group WhatsApp for the three of us where all child-related communication is put. We all attempt to go to plays/ parents evening/ open days/ sports days. However, we do all go together. We also spend the children’s birthdays and Christmas morning together. Current DH decided to invite eldest DC to watch a professional sports game last night and then invited ex-DH so he didn’t miss out on the experience.

There have been the odd moments where I have felt current DH has overstepped — namely, I feel he was far too opinionated about which secondary school we chose for eldest DC. However, there is a strong possibility that was only because he was disagreeing with me, haha. Ex-DH didn’t seem to mind.

They have both been so incredibly mature and child centred, I can only hope I could have done such an amazing job if the tables were turned but I’m not sure that I would have done. Hats off to them both

beachcitygirl · 25/09/2025 06:06

PrawnAgain · 15/09/2025 17:21

OP some things in your post confuse me.
I even suggested that we try going together, but they don't want that.
Tough shit. He is your son and you can go when you want. If his wife is uncomfortable being in the same room as you then she can stay home.

I have to message them both at the same time about everything
No you don't. You can text your ex without including her.

she'll reply more often that he does.
That is your husband's failing.

Last night she messaged to say that both her and DH were going to the secondary school open evening I am planning to go to. I still feel that in an ideal world DH and I would take DS to these sorts of things together, but maybe I am being unrealistic? The upshot of it is that they will tour the school with DS and I will tour the school on my own as the open evening falls on one of their days to have DS.
This is just weird. Go to the day you want to. Why are you allowing your movements to be dictated by her?

she should take a step back.
You can't control what she she should but you can certainly take a step forward. I don't understand why you are stepping out of events you want to be at because she is there.

This. With Bells on

mamato4boys · 25/09/2025 07:55

@ViolaMummythis would really upset me too. I do believe parents who are separated should be able to put their feelings aside and still be parents. It is horrible for the kids if they can’t be in the same room.

However in this situation I think I would judge the whole picture before giving advice. Does your son have a good relationship with this woman? Is she generally very supportive of him and his needs? Is he a fully integrated member of their family unit of 6? If the answer to those questions are all yes, i think I would feel lucky and I would put up with a lot!!! So many kids are alienated in the stepmoms and dads house, feeling like second rate citizens to the woman’s kids or the joint kids of the couple.

if the son doesn’t like her and she is just a control freak… I would think differently.

pikkumyy4 · 15/10/2025 19:22

ViolaMummy · 15/09/2025 12:13

OK fair enough. It seems sad that I can't even take my son to a school open evening though. There's not an option to go on another day. Sitting in a room for 10 minutes discussing our son with his teacher doesn't necessarily feel to me like being a couple but maybe it's a step too far. Thanks.

It sounds really strange to me. I live in Finland and here it is considered strange if, in addition to the biological parents (e.g. in "two-way" discussions between the teacher and the parents), the new spouse of one of them would participate.

And at least here, for example, for our Christmas or spring party, the school already announces directly that a maximum of 2 participants/child. So usually biological parents. Simply because the facilities are limited.

I could only think of, for example, graduation parties where the new spouses would also participate. Of course, everyone would have to know how not to argue.

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