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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is DS step mum too involved?

105 replies

ViolaMummy · 15/09/2025 11:59

I just wondered if anyone in a similar situation could advise me please.

I separated from DH (ex-DH!) about 2 years ago and we divorced a year ago. He's since remarried and our DS (age 10) lives 50% with me and 50% with ex-DH and his new wife. She has three DD who live with her and ex-DH full time.

When ex-DH and I split there were a lot of emotions but I hoped we could communicate and continue to present a 'united front' at events such as school parents evenings etc.

However, ex-DH insists on his wife being involved in everything relating to our DS. Obviously in their house it's up to her how much she gets involved and I'm pleased DS has a good relationship with her. But I feel she is a bit too involved. She goes to school events with ex-DH, which is fair enough I feel, but I have to go to parents evenings on my own while she goes with DH. I even suggested that we try going together, but they don't want that. I have to message them both at the same time about everything and she'll reply more often that he does. I appreciate that DH doesn't want much contact with me anymore, but we share a son and so need to communicate! Last night she messaged to say that both her and DH were going to the secondary school open evening I am planning to go to. I still feel that in an ideal world DH and I would take DS to these sorts of things together, but maybe I am being unrealistic? The upshot of it is that they will tour the school with DS and I will tour the school on my own as the open evening falls on one of their days to have DS.

A couple of my friends have told me to just get on with it and put up with it, which I am doing because I don't want to cause any further upset for DS. But to me it seems like she should take a step back. Even if she'd had messaged and asked me if I was happy for her to come along to the open day/parents evening etc. it would be been a nice gesture.

If anyone has any thoughts I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Luxio · 15/09/2025 12:04

I think your expectations of going to parents evenings or school open days as if you're were still a couple is quite unusual.

They are married and he spends equal amounts of time at their house as he does at yours so it makes sense for her to be actively taking an interest in important parts of his life alongside his dad.

Original poster
ViolaMummy · 15/09/2025 12:13

OK fair enough. It seems sad that I can't even take my son to a school open evening though. There's not an option to go on another day. Sitting in a room for 10 minutes discussing our son with his teacher doesn't necessarily feel to me like being a couple but maybe it's a step too far. Thanks.

OP posts:
HateThursdays · 15/09/2025 12:17

I wouldn’t like that at all.

The school my children go to will only do one parents evening slot per child so divorced parents have to put on a united front if both want to attend.

Open day at high school is a big thing.

I think the step mum is over-stepping. I don’t know what the solution is, but I would feel the same in your shoes.

MellowPinkDeer · 15/09/2025 12:21

Our school only offer one slot per child so I am surprised your school allows this tbh. I would never ever go to my step kids parents evening , that’s not for me to be involved in, you need to have a conversation with your ex about this asap and agree some boundaries. I think she is really overstepping tbh.

edited to add my ex goes with me to our kids and my husband goes with his ex to his kids - I don’t think that is an unreasonable expectation at all!

lunar1 · 15/09/2025 16:46

It would irritate the fuck out of me, but she’s possibly the only reason your ds has an involved dad 50% of the time so id let it go.

onlyonemoresleep · 15/09/2025 17:10

I can imagine it’s always going to be difficult when you have to coparent with a woman you didn’t choose to coparent with when you decided to have a child with ex-h and that person happens to be sleeping with your now ex husband , perhaps even worse if the woman had an affair with your husband and is seemingly taking your place in the family but for your sons sake you have to smile and act as if it’s all sweet.
I am not saying that’s in any way easy and she probably feels as awkward as you.
I am probably not as mature as I’d like to be and would tell her to butt out as it had nothing to do with her but don’t be me, your son will grow up and you won’t have to smile sweetly forever.

Octavia64 · 15/09/2025 17:15

Completely unrealistic to expect to do events with your dh.

PrawnAgain · 15/09/2025 17:21

OP some things in your post confuse me.
I even suggested that we try going together, but they don't want that.
Tough shit. He is your son and you can go when you want. If his wife is uncomfortable being in the same room as you then she can stay home.

I have to message them both at the same time about everything
No you don't. You can text your ex without including her.

she'll reply more often that he does.
That is your husband's failing.

Last night she messaged to say that both her and DH were going to the secondary school open evening I am planning to go to. I still feel that in an ideal world DH and I would take DS to these sorts of things together, but maybe I am being unrealistic? The upshot of it is that they will tour the school with DS and I will tour the school on my own as the open evening falls on one of their days to have DS.
This is just weird. Go to the day you want to. Why are you allowing your movements to be dictated by her?

she should take a step back.
You can't control what she she should but you can certainly take a step forward. I don't understand why you are stepping out of events you want to be at because she is there.

FuzzyWolf · 15/09/2025 17:21

As sad or inconvenient as it is, the reality is your vision of your future (now you are divorced) needs to be one that you are in control of and that means removing your ex-husband from it.

You aren’t a couple anymore and need to change your expectations to reflect that.

HellsBellsAndCatsWhiskers · 15/09/2025 18:01

He's already remarried and you've only been broken up 2 years, divorced one??? Jeez.

Anyway yes, this woman is overstepping. You don't need to message this woman, it's nothing to do with her. Ignore her, remain cordial but don't involve her in any of your child's stuff. If your ex does then that's up to him but I wouldn't if I were you.

Gingernessy · 15/09/2025 18:15

MellowPinkDeer · 15/09/2025 12:21

Our school only offer one slot per child so I am surprised your school allows this tbh. I would never ever go to my step kids parents evening , that’s not for me to be involved in, you need to have a conversation with your ex about this asap and agree some boundaries. I think she is really overstepping tbh.

edited to add my ex goes with me to our kids and my husband goes with his ex to his kids - I don’t think that is an unreasonable expectation at all!

Edited

Do you all have 50/50 like the OP?

Gingernessy · 15/09/2025 18:19

HellsBellsAndCatsWhiskers · 15/09/2025 18:01

He's already remarried and you've only been broken up 2 years, divorced one??? Jeez.

Anyway yes, this woman is overstepping. You don't need to message this woman, it's nothing to do with her. Ignore her, remain cordial but don't involve her in any of your child's stuff. If your ex does then that's up to him but I wouldn't if I were you.

I wouldn't ignore someone who was taking care of my son 50% of the time - but I do think it should be OP and her ex doing the school parents evenings etc.

ainsleysanob · 15/09/2025 18:21

Luxio · 15/09/2025 12:04

I think your expectations of going to parents evenings or school open days as if you're were still a couple is quite unusual.

They are married and he spends equal amounts of time at their house as he does at yours so it makes sense for her to be actively taking an interest in important parts of his life alongside his dad.

There is taking an interest and then there is inserting herself into situations that actually have fuck all to do with her.

ComfortFoodCafe · 15/09/2025 18:23

Shes overstepping. Shes not been your childs life long at all and shes acting like she is one his parents. Weird.

DaisyChain505 · 15/09/2025 18:29

You have unrealistic expectations thinking that you and your ex should be taking your son to things like this together. You are separated and for a reason. It’s not fair on your son to subject him to spend time with you both together when you’re not a couple anymore. It’s awkward and isn’t the norm when you’re not together anymore.

Be grateful your ex’s new wife is so invested in your son and wants to have a positive role in his life. It could be so much worse and she could be trying to cause issues with you and treating your son differently to her own children when he’s in their home which by the sounds of it she isn’t.

MagpiePi · 15/09/2025 18:32

What would your son prefer?

CharlieKirkRIP · 15/09/2025 18:33

What a lovely lady your ex has married. Embrace the fact she cares enough about your son to give her time to attend.

Its your choice to be on your own, you can take your partner hen you meet someone.

Petty jealousy is never a good thing.

TellHerToFuckOff · 15/09/2025 18:34

Nope, not a chance would I be allowing that. She has no parental rights over your child. I would be informing her of that fact.

If it were me, I would be telling my ex in no uncertain terms that I am not communicating with her at all. If there is reason to communicate about your child, it will be between you two parents. She is not your child’s parent. Tell her to fuck off and block her, the cheeky cow.

I would also be reminding the school that she is not a parent, and that all communication from them to the father’s side is to go directly to him. She is not to be added to email lists, invited to parents evenings etc. and if there are limited spaces for events etc, then she is the one to go without.

I would not be putting up with this bullshit. She has children of her own, she should concern herself with them and not be inserting herself in situations where she is not needed.

steelingmyself · 15/09/2025 18:35

My ex-husbands partner was a bit like this in the early days. They aren’t married but they have a child. She turned up at my son’s sports day without my ex husband (he couldn’t manage so apparently she was flying the flag for their side of his family.). I politely said hello…yes it was awkward, yes I internally fought madly with the idea this woman was replacing me in some way while my
son stays with his dad … HOWEVER, we shared a pack lunch and our children ran around together and cheered my son on and my son was DELIGHTED.

She does far less of this sort of thing now.

Personally, I’d far rather had a woman figure in his life who took an interest in him, than one who didn’t. Don’t let her have you take a backseat though!

Kids aren’t daft - they know who loves them. If she’s there to wind you up don’t bite and it won’t last. If she’s actually there out of love and care for your child than as difficult as it might be, it’s a good thing.

Luxio · 15/09/2025 18:35

ainsleysanob · 15/09/2025 18:21

There is taking an interest and then there is inserting herself into situations that actually have fuck all to do with her.

Show quote history

So you're saying this women should just ignore the child who lives with her for half the week?

Presumably the OPs child enjoys having another adult show interest in his life and act as a positive role model. Surely his viewpoint should be the most important here.

batt3nb3rg · 15/09/2025 18:36

ainsleysanob · 15/09/2025 18:21

There is taking an interest and then there is inserting herself into situations that actually have fuck all to do with her.

Show quote history

The issue with this line of thinking is that these are parents with joint, equal custody. If one parent has views about how things should be being done that differs from the other but is completely within the bounds of legality and social acceptability, the other can’t impose their will on them just because they’re the mother. Mothers have (generally) historically been able to keep control over what their ex does or doesn’t do with their children because they’ve had majority physical custody and the father's relationship with their children was seen as being at her discretion. Times have changed, and this is the reality of sharing children with someone you are no longer in a relationship with.

OP is completely within her rights to think her ex’s wife is overstepping - the reality is that’s it’s up to the child’s father to decide how much of a role she plays in their son’s life on his time. It’s actually more accurate to say that her son’s relationship with his stepmother is “nothing to do” with OP, than it is to say that the role his father is obviously allowing or requesting her to fulfil in his son’s life is “nothing to do with her”.

ainsleysanob · 15/09/2025 18:36

CharlieKirkRIP · 15/09/2025 18:33

What a lovely lady your ex has married. Embrace the fact she cares enough about your son to give her time to attend.

Its your choice to be on your own, you can take your partner hen you meet someone.

Petty jealousy is never a good thing.

Attend for what? If he didn’t already have a mother and a father attending then fine, invest herself away. But he does. You can care about someone without involving yourself in situations that have nothing to do with her. She isn’t his mother, he doesn’t need two. If his dad can’t spend an hour with his son’s mother without having Nanny McPhee sticking her beak in then he needs to man up a bit. If she wants to go to open evenings she can go to the ones for her actual children and let OPs son have open evenings with his own parents.

Silverbirchleaf · 15/09/2025 18:38

Do you feel she’s making decisions that are no right of hers to make? That I would consider overstepping.

If she’s got three dc of own, then she’s probably taken on the life admin for your child. Hence turning up to these events. I get though that you feel it’s an intrusion.

(Also slightly surprised how quickly he’s moved on. An affair? And taking on three more kids as well).

itsgettingweird · 15/09/2025 18:39

I think if da is at there’s 50% of the time it’s understandable she’d be involved.

However it would be good if all 3 of you can go with ds to the open evening. Can all walk around to get her etc.

when my ex remarried his wife would come if she could to ds events (but she didn’t have other children) and we’d all support him as a unit.

But I appreciate that requires a lot. I was lucky that when she married Ex she asked to meet me and asked me what I was comfortable with involvement wise from her and said she wanted to be there for ds as exes wife but wouldn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable or pushed out.

I actually got in better with her than ex!!!!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 15/09/2025 18:40

I find new wife's behaviour very odd. I would not be happy with this at all.
Its great your dc and her get on but I think this is quite controlling tbh.