Is DS step mum too involved?

[ViolaMummy]

I just wondered if anyone in a similar situation could advise me please.

I separated from DH (ex-DH!) about 2 years ago and we divorced a year ago. He's since remarried and our DS (age 10) lives 50% with me and 50% with ex-DH and his new wife. She has three DD who live with her and ex-DH full time.

When ex-DH and I split there were a lot of emotions but I hoped we could communicate and continue to present a 'united front' at events such as school parents evenings etc.

However, ex-DH insists on his wife being involved in everything relating to our DS. Obviously in their house it's up to her how much she gets involved and I'm pleased DS has a good relationship with her. But I feel she is a bit too involved. She goes to school events with ex-DH, which is fair enough I feel, but I have to go to parents evenings on my own while she goes with DH. I even suggested that we try going together, but they don't want that. I have to message them both at the same time about everything and she'll reply more often that he does. I appreciate that DH doesn't want much contact with me anymore, but we share a son and so need to communicate! Last night she messaged to say that both her and DH were going to the secondary school open evening I am planning to go to. I still feel that in an ideal world DH and I would take DS to these sorts of things together, but maybe I am being unrealistic? The upshot of it is that they will tour the school with DS and I will tour the school on my own as the open evening falls on one of their days to have DS.

A couple of my friends have told me to just get on with it and put up with it, which I am doing because I don't want to cause any further upset for DS. But to me it seems like she should take a step back. Even if she'd had messaged and asked me if I was happy for her to come along to the open day/parents evening etc. it would be been a nice gesture.

If anyone has any thoughts I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

As a stepmum and a mum I can see both sides here...

On one hand i totally get your side and I think after such a short gap between separation and new marriage I would feel a bit out out at her constantly being involved, especially the having to text them both bit...thats a huge overstep and you need to stop it.

However, I also know how shit my ex is and if he ever gets a new gf etc I fully expect that she will have to micromanage him because he is a massive man-child. So I can kinda see why she might be having to be involved, she probably thinks she is supporting your ds.

That said, as a stepmum who is still very much part of ex's kids lives (they are 22 and almost 20) I have never been to a parents evening, open evening etc and I did about 98% of the care when they were with us. Even now (we split about 8 years ago) if they have an issue that needs an adult take on it they will both call me before either of their actual parents.

that said, Dsd flunked her first year at uni, she text me to tell me, I replied with are you ok...how can i help and she rang me in floods of tears. Her dad had lectured her, her mum had cried about how disappointed she was and all dsd wanted was for someone to give her a hug and tell her it would be ok in the end. She drove over to my house for chocolate and hugs and then we had a girly day out over the following weekend (and she encouraged me to spend an absolute obscene amount on a new patio set) but we had fun and she was happier and we built a plan...sometimes kids need an active step parent...inguess I am trying to say there is a fine line and if your exh is a tool then maybe this isn't a hill you wanna die on as it may well be for the best for your ds

Not quite more 60/40 (mums / dads)

this step mum is overstepping and being too controlling regardless

It might fall on his day for the school tour but are you saying you’re not allowed to go with your son to view his school? How will you go to view the school are they doing multiple days for tours and you’ll turn up on your own on another day or are you going on the same day as them but just walk past each other?

Me and my ex will go to parent evenings, school open days together with our child. His partner doesn’t go and nor does mine. I don’t think it is necessarily unrealistic for both parents to go and show a united front for the benefit of the child despite being separated/divorced?

I think it’s lovely that they obviously get on well…better that than the other option but as a step mum to 3 DC myself, I don’t feel the need to be that involved.
I go and watch the odd football match, I cook meals, I chat, wash clothes and care for them but parents evenings? Nope….that’s down to DH and his Ex wife. They wouldn’t want to go together so would generally take it in turns or go on different nights.

I wouldn’t be happy with my DC step mum involving herself so heavily in my children’s education when my Ex DH and I are perfectly capable of sorting it out ourselves.

Could you walk around the opening evening with them? You need to be able to talk to your son as you walk round.

My ex’s wife does come to activities you can watch.
We also have a shared what’s app group which I find useful as she knows more what is going on but it would be weird just to message her.
She hasn’t come to opening evenings & ExH and I walk round together.
My ex said she was going to come to parents evening but I said I was only comfortable with that if a potential future partner of mine had the option to come. I also pointed out that there is only 3 chairs at parents evening- one for the child (which are told to attend) and 2 for the parents so one person would have to stand to see each teacher which would be awkward. Due to this she hasn’t come. There was an issue once where a one off event only allowed one parent to attend.

It does sound that your ex’s wife is more involved than most step parents would be but I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it. Also it’s better that than her pushing him out of the family.

You are right OP, it should be you and your ex doing these things as your child’s parents, but it seems you had a child with a weak, lazy man who found himself an alpha mummy girlfriend as soon as he could so that he didn’t have to do any of the thinking involved in being a parent.

I understand why you are annoyed but she has 3 kids and assuming that they aren’t secondary aged, she may be curious about the local secondary schools for their sakes.

I suspect that she is very involved because your h is very involved with her children. With 50:50, it’s impossible for school to be as separate as a family where a parent only sees their child every other week. My ex has never even see our children in their uniform post split.

If she’s a SAHM or does the school runs during his time then she will be the one supporting homework and doing things like making sure he takes the right stuff to secondary. You know your ex best but it’s often the stepmums doing stuff like buying ingredients for Food Tech etc Your ex and his wife have moved super quick and part of that intensity is becoming a full on stepparent as super speed. You know your ex best but many men see willingness to be stepmother as a very important quality in their post divorce relationship.

My God, step parents really can’t win. They take a step back and they’re called cold hearted and cruel to the kids. They step up and try to take a loving active role in the child’s life and they’re met with attitudes like yours.

Your post reeks of jealousy and bitterness.

This woman has taken on a child that isn’t her own and is trying to be a positive and active adult in their life.

Women like you are the type who mess up their children by making their feelings about their ex new wife known when they should keep quiet.

It’s not appropriate for them to say you can’t attend open evening etc. You can also text whoever you like- they can’t insist you text them both.

OTOH you also can’t ban her from attending things with your ex, nor can you ban her from texting (well you could block her number but that wouldn’t be productive). I get how annoying it must be to feel she is overstepping but they can run their lives however they like. It might be easier to accept it and be pleased someone in that camp is stepping up, because it doesn’t sound as if your ex is.

Sorry you’re being a doormat. It’s got fuck all to do with her and she sounds desperately insecure. I’d be saying that you appreciate her interest but you’d prefer to just communicate and Co parent with your ex. You do not have to message both of them, that’s ridiculous. Make arrangements to visit the school with your son in your time. Or go along on the same night if needs be. You need boundaries here.

She’s overstepping. Is she not embarrassed to show up at parents evening for a child she has no PR for and has only been in his life for such a small amount of time?! Maybe she has jealousy/control issues so is worried if you spend any time even at parents evening with your ex. Stop telling them your plans to go to open evenings etc. they don’t respect your boundaries. Wonder how they would be if you added a partner or dragged a partner along and expected your ex to take his op ions into account. Probably wouldn’t happen. Maybe she doesn’t have much to fill her life and is trying in some weird way to impress your ex what a great step mum she is. Odd but there are women who do this.

If there’s only one slot for parents evening then I’d expect ex to suck it up and go with you. If there’s two slots then let them get on with going separately. Same with the open evening and any other events. You shouldn’t be excluded so she can go, but if it doesn’t effect you then let them get on with it. I would think messaging him is enough and it’s up to him to relay any important info to his wife. Did they say you have to message both of them?

Eh? The child has two parents, not 3. She’s massively overstepping and it’s not her place the cheeky cow!

I attend school events with my ex dh, I even offer to drive us there. Only doing for my dd so she knows we have a united front when it concerns her, doesn't feel weird and I am remarried happily. My ex has a gf who doesn't overstep but I am happy she is kind to my dd. We even go halves on dental costs, autism assessment, and sometimes big cost Christmas presents but we do maintain boundaries etc.

She hasn’t taken him on!! He has two committed and involved parents! She can be interested in him, she can lavish attention on him and she can be a brilliant support to him in her home, she may even grow to love him but she isn’t a parent. She has, nor should she have any parental responsibility for him. There is ZERO reason for her to be attending parents evenings, ZERO reason for her to be responding to child related messages. She hasn’t even been in his life long enough to really even know the child at all but because she’s rushed into marrying a man and blending their families she thinks she can insert herself into parts of the child’s life that do not and never will, whilstever OP is in her sons life, have anything to do with her.

Step-Parents absolutely can win, when they use their brains and understand that they take a back seat role, because in comparison with children’s actual full time, present parents, they’re not actually that important at all.

I think she’s overstepping but it sounds more like territory marking with your ex (especially the having to message both of them malarkey, so she knows there is nothing kept secret from her).

FWIW I have step children and I don’t attend parents evenings but then he doesn’t attend them with his ex either as he can’t stand being in the same room as her (started off amicably enough and doing such things but she’s a pathological liar who has also put the kids at serious risk of harm over the years and he can’t forgive that).

I have supported him with specific meetings where ex wasn’t present as they were about safeguarding concerns or SEND issues and as I’m a teacher myself he wanted my input. I would never try to put myself in any position their mom should be in without the kids asking, so anticipate that I won’t be attending graduations etc. if tickets are limited and that’s fine by me because they have a mom.

Child has two parents and not three.
step mother can show kindness and interest in step child without over stepping.

I would find that irritating but I also would expect your child will want to chat to you on open day and so I would just join their group whether they like it or not. It’s important you hear what your child likes and dislikes about the school. It would be weird to do secondary open day without your child - unless they have mates to go round with. A few more years and you can hand all this over to your child to decide.

I find that a little too much stepping on toes.

Our friends tolerate each other in parents evening - they both united to ensure as they both 50/50 that their child knows expectations and aligned.

Open evenings for secondary school they communicated with each other - a couple of the schools the step mum attended but more from a for her own children’s choices. The parents then discussed what school worked for their child.

Year 6 leavers again just the parents, sports days step mum did come along.

It’s nice that she’s interested but somewhat she does need to stay in her lane. Seems a lot in a short space of time for a preteen to take on.

Honestly I'd just be so glad she was taking an interest in your DC and not excluding him from family life. You only have to read some of the horrible StepMum stories to realise your DS is lucky to have a SM who cares about him. Let it go. If you had a new partner going with you it would not be so difficult for you.

It’s up to the child’s father to decide what role his husband plays in the child’s life. It quite obviously has nothing to do with the OP, as they have 50/50 custody and she has absolutely no say in what happens in their household. She certainly should stop communicating with the ex’s wife if she doesn’t want to though, as they have no say in what she does either.

This 10000x

If one day you had a new loving partner who showed an interest in your child’s life would you be telling them “No sorry you can’t come to XYZ.”

100% you wouldn’t. You’d be glad they cared enough about your child to want to have an active positive role in their life.

If you’re married you’re a family. You don’t marry someone yet also tell them they’re not important/close enough to be involved in some family situations.

Wow! I never expected such reactions! Thank you all for your comments...
Just to clarify, ex-DH is a good dad, his new wife is a good mum to her children and I'm pleased she looks after DS so well and they have a good relationship. I did say that in my original post. DS knows we aren't all 'best friends' but understands why and we never speak negatively about each other in front of him. He'd tell me if that was happening at his dad's house too I'm sure. I just wanted to see what some impartial people thought. I know there's no easy win win solution. I have tried in the past to ask step mum to back off slightly but so far have got nowhere.

Thanks for your comments.

I agree.

At the very least, you should be able to text your child's father without having to include/copy her in. I'd stop doing this pronto - he can pass messages on as he sees fit, and he can deal with the tantrums if she doesn't like it.