Is DS step mum too involved?

[ViolaMummy]

I just wondered if anyone in a similar situation could advise me please.

I separated from DH (ex-DH!) about 2 years ago and we divorced a year ago. He's since remarried and our DS (age 10) lives 50% with me and 50% with ex-DH and his new wife. She has three DD who live with her and ex-DH full time.

When ex-DH and I split there were a lot of emotions but I hoped we could communicate and continue to present a 'united front' at events such as school parents evenings etc.

However, ex-DH insists on his wife being involved in everything relating to our DS. Obviously in their house it's up to her how much she gets involved and I'm pleased DS has a good relationship with her. But I feel she is a bit too involved. She goes to school events with ex-DH, which is fair enough I feel, but I have to go to parents evenings on my own while she goes with DH. I even suggested that we try going together, but they don't want that. I have to message them both at the same time about everything and she'll reply more often that he does. I appreciate that DH doesn't want much contact with me anymore, but we share a son and so need to communicate! Last night she messaged to say that both her and DH were going to the secondary school open evening I am planning to go to. I still feel that in an ideal world DH and I would take DS to these sorts of things together, but maybe I am being unrealistic? The upshot of it is that they will tour the school with DS and I will tour the school on my own as the open evening falls on one of their days to have DS.

A couple of my friends have told me to just get on with it and put up with it, which I am doing because I don't want to cause any further upset for DS. But to me it seems like she should take a step back. Even if she'd had messaged and asked me if I was happy for her to come along to the open day/parents evening etc. it would be been a nice gesture.

If anyone has any thoughts I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

If there's only one opportunity for parents to get a tour of the school, then you should definitely go.

You need to reply that this is the case, and that you want to attend with your ex and your son so that you are equally informed.

I always think it's a bonus having another person who loves & cares for your child I have a DD16 who had a step-mum from 2 weeks old & I am a step-mum to two younger boys. I take an active role & go to parents evenings etc. but I would not take a step back from your child for her sake

I would. Who does she think she is, imposing on OPs child like this? She's nothing and she would be treated as nothing. I would be liaising with the childs father and the childs father only.

I wouldn't say that you want to attend, I'd be telling her that you are attending your child's school tour. You need to be strong and firm with this woman OP, who on earth does this woman think she is?.

This woman has no business ‘taking on a child that isn’t her own’. The child has 2 parents, she needs to back the fuck up.

And FYI, I’m not in the least bit jealous or bitter. My DCs father has remarried… his wife stays in her lane and I stay in mine, she respects my role as the ONLY mother my DC have and we get along perfectly fine. She does not come to parents evenings, has not come to open days etc, does not poke her nose in to situations/conversations/decisions that are not her place to be involved in, because my DC have 2 parents.

I’ve had relationships with underwear longer than this child has known this woman. And her marrying someone she has known less than 2 years and moving them into her home with her DC shows questionable decision making… why would OP be coparenting with this woman?

You can be kind and build a relationship with a child without completely overstepping and sticking your beak in where it doesn’t belong.

Jesus

People can be so weird about step mums. They’re always good enough to pay for stuff and wash dirty clothes and give lifts - as long as they are like silent little house elves eh.

My DS’s nan comes to his parents evenings and open evenings etc with me. I bet none of the angry posters here would be saying ‘who does she think she is, she doesn’t even have parental responsibility, she’s overstepping’ about that though.

This is a weird comment. I wouldn’t ever expect my DC SM to pay for anything, wash their clothes or give lifts… that’s what me and their father are there for.

And presumably your DS Nan has known him since he was born? Is a relative? This woman has known the child less than 2 years and is acting like she is now taking the place of a parent… when the child already has 2 very involved parents. How do you not find that weird? She’s acting like OP is dead and this child is without a mother.

But in this case, the step mother is going INSTEAD of OP! She's literally taking OP's place, without even asking, at a parents evening that OP should be attending. That's not remotely like the actual birth parent INVITING the kid's grandma along with them.

Jeeze, I can't believe how many posters are saying that this is okay.

I wouldn't say she is too involved, more that you feel you aren't allowed to get involved enough... which is ridiculous tbh!

So what if parents evening falls on "their" night, just tell them you will meet them there, so what if that isn't what they want.. it's your child, and you get equal say,, why are you even asking them, just turn up!!

Good point. I should have said that.

No, OP is still going to parents evenings. She’s just going separately to her XH. Which is fine, loads of people do that.

Well maybe loads of people shouldn’t do that when there are 2 perfectly involved and capable parents in the picture. It’s just weird, intrusive and a bit bloody desperate to be honest. Why can’t her husband fill her in on what’s gone on when he gets home?

It isn't a step too far at all. I know divorced people who get together for things like that, they are both the child or children's parents after all. Their current partners are involved with the children but they know when not to be, there are boundaries, and it works wel because they stay within them.

The problem you have is that her over-involvement has been happening and will be difficult to stop now.

How does your son feel about it, have you asked him? I understand you have to tread carefully but there are ways of asking. You haven't mentioned (or I haven't yet seen), if you have a partner.

I don’t think she’s being lovely and I think she is massively overstepping.

I can easily imagine her reasons for being there are much darker. (a) to make sure you don’t talk to him (b) to be bigging up on her ‘ mothering’. She had no business there, and she has no respect.

But in this case, the step mother is going INSTEAD of OP! She's literally taking OP's place, without even asking

The op could go though. It's not like the step mum can stop her. I think the weirdest thing about this is the fact that op is opting not to go to things because step mum is there.

But the OP is not going with her child, the -been-around-for-a-few-years-and-might-be-gone-in-a-few-years-more partner of the child's is going instead.

The dad's new partner here has children of her own, she is overreaching and should have the grace to step back on this occasion.

And the child's father - why is it always the bloody women who get the blame? - should be saying to his current squeeze - " no, love, this is for DS's mum and me to do"? But he doesn't want to risk a row by doing the right thing.

I'm speaking here as a stepmother, whose children have had two stepmothers ( so far).

You need to make it clear to the school that only you and Ex have parental consent & that no decisions should be made without speaking to the both of you directly.

As I said earlier @ViolaMummyyou need firmer boundaries and stop bowing to their wishes. Stop texting her, stop not going to things because she is. She’s massively overstepping and you’re meekly laying down for her to do so to keep the peace. You need to be firmer. DC has two parents, I will be at parents evening, no I’m not texting your wife. What are they going to do? Cheeky bastards.

I guarantee you that she has decided how this ship will run and your ex is complying with her wishes for an easy life.

This type of SM is keeping you at bay and would silently let people believe he is her son if they didn't know otherwise. She sees herself as the coparent, not your ex. It's partly due to insecurities on her part.

The fact that she responds to messages and you have to message her, along with her attendance at parent's evenings, despite having 3 of her own kids says a lot.

With regards to the school open day, you have every right to go round the school with your son and his dad, whether it's your day or not.

It's important for you to understand how YOUR son feels about the school first hand.

All I can say is, the years will go buy.
Keep your relationship with your son strong and tight, because she sounds like the type to try and influence him in accordance with her wishes and your ex will just go along with it

Why is she imposing on the child? For all you know he might actually like his stepmum - sounds like he's treated like one of the family which is good considering he's there 50% of the time. Step parents can't win and often its not through their own actions - its the fact that birth parents make everything about them and not what's best for their children

It’s ironic though that you throw in ‘why is it always the women who get the blame’ whilst also pinning the reasons for why OP’s XH isn’t going to school events with her on the SM. What makes you think that the SM is his puppeteer? Maybe he doesn’t want to go to school events with OP (no offence OP), partner or not. I don’t want to go to school events with my XH, and it’s not because I have some new partner around who forbids it because they’re so jealous (which is how this SM is being painted by lots of posters).

I mean you can say Jesus all you like but there is no way in hell id be allowing some woman who's been around my child for an absolute maximum of what, 2 years, muscle her way in like this. Demand that she be included in messages about descisons regarding my childs life and push her way in to school tours that I wouldn't even be at. She's nothing to the OPs child, perhaps she will be in time but she's been in his life a year and a bit, max, and she has no right whatsoever to be demanding equal parenting rights.

Couldn’t agree more. And I had a thought this morning. If OPs exH had moved back in with his parents, and it was his mother (OP exMIL) behaving like this, demanding to be copied on every message, telling OP that she would have to attend open days on her own as it fell on the fathers ‘day’ and just generally overstepping because she was helping to care for the child… the vast majority of posters wouldn’t be long telling OP to push back and tell her to get back in her lane.

Yet because this woman is married to the father for less than a wet week, that behaviour is totally fine? The mind boggles

I think she is massively overstepping. My partner and his ex attend school open days, parents evenings and sports days together for their children. They have 50/50 and are relatively amicable. I wouldnt dream of attending any of these events unless asked too by the kids or either my partner or his ex. I do attend their birthday parties and we all manage to get along quite well then.

I would not allow this woman to do this OP. As PPs have said you reply that you ARE going to the open evening and, personally, I would be taking the lead on these events rather than waiting for them to message I would be messaging first confirming my intentions offering the potential for a joint trip and then leaving it up to them. They are both being ridiculous.