Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Is DS step mum too involved?

105 replies

ViolaMummy · 15/09/2025 11:59

I just wondered if anyone in a similar situation could advise me please.

I separated from DH (ex-DH!) about 2 years ago and we divorced a year ago. He's since remarried and our DS (age 10) lives 50% with me and 50% with ex-DH and his new wife. She has three DD who live with her and ex-DH full time.

When ex-DH and I split there were a lot of emotions but I hoped we could communicate and continue to present a 'united front' at events such as school parents evenings etc.

However, ex-DH insists on his wife being involved in everything relating to our DS. Obviously in their house it's up to her how much she gets involved and I'm pleased DS has a good relationship with her. But I feel she is a bit too involved. She goes to school events with ex-DH, which is fair enough I feel, but I have to go to parents evenings on my own while she goes with DH. I even suggested that we try going together, but they don't want that. I have to message them both at the same time about everything and she'll reply more often that he does. I appreciate that DH doesn't want much contact with me anymore, but we share a son and so need to communicate! Last night she messaged to say that both her and DH were going to the secondary school open evening I am planning to go to. I still feel that in an ideal world DH and I would take DS to these sorts of things together, but maybe I am being unrealistic? The upshot of it is that they will tour the school with DS and I will tour the school on my own as the open evening falls on one of their days to have DS.

A couple of my friends have told me to just get on with it and put up with it, which I am doing because I don't want to cause any further upset for DS. But to me it seems like she should take a step back. Even if she'd had messaged and asked me if I was happy for her to come along to the open day/parents evening etc. it would be been a nice gesture.

If anyone has any thoughts I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 16/09/2025 11:02

Setting Jesus aside as I am sure He is not closely involved in this scenario :), I agree with you 100%.

OP, Stepmother is not mother when there is a good mother in the picture. Most would realise that and be sensitive, this one has children of her too. She has a role to play, a good friend, etc, but there must be boundaries.

However, the dad must have something to do with it, he needs to be tackled. How would he like it if you had a partner who tried to take over parenting from him?

CagneyNYPD1 · 16/09/2025 11:05

There may be only one school open evening but do they also offer school tours during the school day? If so, I would book a tour for you and ds during your week with him.

You’ve tried to get SM to step back a bit but it hasn’t worked. Your ex is happy to let this continue. You can not win on this one so pick your battles wisely. If they want to tour the school just them, fine. Contact the school and see if you and DS can book a day time tour. If not, does the school have a Christmas Fete that is open to the public? I know that will be after the application date but it’s still worth looking at.

Rhaidimiddim · 16/09/2025 13:40

NotoriousABC · 16/09/2025 06:53

It’s ironic though that you throw in ‘why is it always the women who get the blame’ whilst also pinning the reasons for why OP’s XH isn’t going to school events with her on the SM. What makes you think that the SM is his puppeteer? Maybe he doesn’t want to go to school events with OP (no offence OP), partner or not. I don’t want to go to school events with my XH, and it’s not because I have some new partner around who forbids it because they’re so jealous (which is how this SM is being painted by lots of posters).

Show quote history

I actually pinned the blame on him. It is right there:

"...the child's father ... should be saying to his current squeeze - " no, love..."

Coconutter24 · 16/09/2025 14:08

saraclara · 15/09/2025 20:01

If there's only one opportunity for parents to get a tour of the school, then you should definitely go.

You need to reply that this is the case, and that you want to attend with your ex and your son so that you are equally informed.

But why should OP go over her DS father? OP still gets to go to the open evening but her DS is with his dad that day so he should get to take him

SandyY2K · 16/09/2025 14:47

Coconutter24 · 16/09/2025 14:08

But why should OP go over her DS father? OP still gets to go to the open evening but her DS is with his dad that day so he should get to take him

Show quote history

OP shouldn't go over dad, but AS WELL as dad. He is THEIR child.

The problem is, that SM is insecure and will not be happy with this...because, s they go around the school, it will be obvious that the OP is the mum and not her.

It's great to be interested in your stepchild, but there is a difference in interest and overstepping.

ChocolateMagnum · 16/09/2025 14:50

I wanted my step-parent as involved as my biological parents. This is good for your son to have such a stable, interested group of parents.

TwistedWonder · 16/09/2025 14:51

DaisyChain505 · 15/09/2025 18:29

You have unrealistic expectations thinking that you and your ex should be taking your son to things like this together. You are separated and for a reason. It’s not fair on your son to subject him to spend time with you both together when you’re not a couple anymore. It’s awkward and isn’t the norm when you’re not together anymore.

Be grateful your ex’s new wife is so invested in your son and wants to have a positive role in his life. It could be so much worse and she could be trying to cause issues with you and treating your son differently to her own children when he’s in their home which by the sounds of it she isn’t.

Couldn’t disagree more. It’s very normal and healthy for parents who are no longer together to present a united front with regards shared children.

The new wife is hugely overstepping imo however this is on the DH to deal with and sounds likes he’s letting her bulldoze him.

Coconutter24 · 16/09/2025 15:01

SandyY2K · 16/09/2025 14:47

OP shouldn't go over dad, but AS WELL as dad. He is THEIR child.

The problem is, that SM is insecure and will not be happy with this...because, s they go around the school, it will be obvious that the OP is the mum and not her.

It's great to be interested in your stepchild, but there is a difference in interest and overstepping.

Show quote history

But Op is going to the open evening just not with her DS

curious79 · 16/09/2025 15:04

She doesn’t have parental responsibility under the law, so she is definitely overstepping the mark.
She definitely shouldn’t be at parents evenings
Look all in all it’s better that you have someone who is keen to make him feel welcome than anything else.
Are you worried about being pushed out? Is this an issue for other reasons?

Leopardspota · 16/09/2025 15:06

It’s unusual, but your son having a loving and involved step mum is a positive. I’m not sure how much you can control the situation without causing upset that ends up upsetting your son. So just keep working on your relationship with your son and let them do their thing.

people saying ‘message exh and not the wife…’ well all that will happen is bad feeling. Don’t be spiteful, let go of the things you
Can’t change.

SandyY2K · 16/09/2025 15:24

Coconutter24 · 16/09/2025 15:01

But Op is going to the open evening just not with her DS

Show quote history

I know, but it makes more sense to go with her son. He's the one who would be going to the school. I world war to see how my child feels about the school first hand.

This isn't a social event, or a case of playing happy families. There's no reason why both parents can't be present.

I wouldn't go to an open day without my child.

LatteLady · 16/09/2025 15:38

I would be interested in what the school has to say, frankly, I think it should be the biological parents that attend, not the step mum.

Coconutter24 · 16/09/2025 16:07

SandyY2K · 16/09/2025 15:24

I know, but it makes more sense to go with her son. He's the one who would be going to the school. I world war to see how my child feels about the school first hand.

This isn't a social event, or a case of playing happy families. There's no reason why both parents can't be present.

I wouldn't go to an open day without my child.

Show quote history

I also wouldn’t go to an open evening without my child however if my child was going with his dad then I’d trust both of them to judge the school and child can tell me about it when I see them.

ainsleysanob · 16/09/2025 16:19

Leopardspota · 16/09/2025 15:06

It’s unusual, but your son having a loving and involved step mum is a positive. I’m not sure how much you can control the situation without causing upset that ends up upsetting your son. So just keep working on your relationship with your son and let them do their thing.

people saying ‘message exh and not the wife…’ well all that will happen is bad feeling. Don’t be spiteful, let go of the things you
Can’t change.

If the new wife gets a ‘bad feeling’ about the mother of her stepson messaging the father of the stepson then whose problem is that to fix and should it be the mother, who is doing absolutely nothing wrong, who has to make allowances for insecure woman’s feelings?

LittleCarrot12 · 16/09/2025 16:22

That would annoy me. We always go to school stuff together even though we’ve been separated 6 years. Not always easy but it’s best for our child and thankfully that’s more important for both of us.

LittleCarrot12 · 16/09/2025 16:46

That would annoy me. We always go to school stuff together even though we’ve been separated 6 years. Not always easy but it’s best for our child and thankfully that’s more important for both of us.

NotoriousABC · 16/09/2025 17:48

Rhaidimiddim · 16/09/2025 13:40

I actually pinned the blame on him. It is right there:

"...the child's father ... should be saying to his current squeeze - " no, love..."

Show quote history

Again, maybe HE doesn’t want to go to these events with his XW, why are you making his wife the reason?

Rhaidimiddim · 20/09/2025 11:10

SandyY2K · 16/09/2025 15:24

I know, but it makes more sense to go with her son. He's the one who would be going to the school. I world war to see how my child feels about the school first hand.

This isn't a social event, or a case of playing happy families. There's no reason why both parents can't be present.

I wouldn't go to an open day without my child.

Show quote history

You seem to actually see it - that the child is visiting his new school for the first time, and might want to discuss the things he is seeing and hearing with his mother. As his mother I would want to see how he reacts to the new school environment.

This idea that it is a nothingburger social event, and on his dad's time so she should butt out, is a nonsense - it is a transitional phase for him, and visiting the new school is an important event.

The SM and the dad seem to be oblivious to this, and I'm thinking SM is insecure rather than interested, and definitely overstepping in not stepping back. As for the it-is-on-his-dad's-time argument, no-one would say that about a hospital stay, an important sporting event or a court appearance.

SandyY2K · 21/09/2025 20:36

Rhaidimiddim · 20/09/2025 11:10

You seem to actually see it - that the child is visiting his new school for the first time, and might want to discuss the things he is seeing and hearing with his mother. As his mother I would want to see how he reacts to the new school environment.

This idea that it is a nothingburger social event, and on his dad's time so she should butt out, is a nonsense - it is a transitional phase for him, and visiting the new school is an important event.

The SM and the dad seem to be oblivious to this, and I'm thinking SM is insecure rather than interested, and definitely overstepping in not stepping back. As for the it-is-on-his-dad's-time argument, no-one would say that about a hospital stay, an important sporting event or a court appearance.

Show quote history

Yes...I'd agree that SM is more likely insecure than interested.

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 21/09/2025 20:49

Yes, I think she's way overstepping and wouldn't be happy with it, but I doubt there's much you can do as the dad is most likely pushing for her to be this involved.

autumngirl714 · 21/09/2025 20:58

HateThursdays · 15/09/2025 12:17

I wouldn’t like that at all.

The school my children go to will only do one parents evening slot per child so divorced parents have to put on a united front if both want to attend.

Open day at high school is a big thing.

I think the step mum is over-stepping. I don’t know what the solution is, but I would feel the same in your shoes.

I agree with this.

yes they’re marked and yes you have equal joint custody meaning she’s spending a lot of time with your child…. But she isn’t the child’s parent, she’s your ex’s wife. If they split she’d have no further involvement in the child. That’s the top and bottom of it. It’s great they have a good relationship, but the parenting stuff should remain you and ex. And it’s pretty bad and telling they aren’t respecting your boundaries on this.
I know a lot won’t agree with me on this, but that’s my opinion.

napody · 21/09/2025 21:05

HateThursdays · 15/09/2025 12:17

I wouldn’t like that at all.

The school my children go to will only do one parents evening slot per child so divorced parents have to put on a united front if both want to attend.

Open day at high school is a big thing.

I think the step mum is over-stepping. I don’t know what the solution is, but I would feel the same in your shoes.

Agreed. I think this is bizarre. It's good he's genuinely part of the family at theirs but he has a mother, he doesn't need a second mother at school etc- it's confusing for the staff and weird for you and DS!

Jeska7 · 21/09/2025 21:10

jumpingjaque · 15/09/2025 18:47

Me and my ex will go to parent evenings, school open days together with our child. His partner doesn’t go and nor does mine. I don’t think it is necessarily unrealistic for both parents to go and show a united front for the benefit of the child despite being separated/divorced?

This.

Your ex is not stepping up and being a parent. He’s relying on his wife to parent his child, and he’s not bothering to reply timely to your messages about your child. It sounds like he cannot be bothered and knows you or his wife will do the parenting. The problem is he’s unlikely to change.

ACynicalDad · 21/09/2025 21:10

Even as a child I was really impressed with a friend D,M&SM who went to his things at school as a three. Remember them drinking together after plays and stuff and chatting nicely, would have taken some doing I’m sure.

stomachamelon · 21/09/2025 21:22

I would be really hurt if this was me. I think some things fine- the bigger the fan club the better for your child- but not being isolated from experiences that are ‘first’s’ for your son.

How you handle it is a whole different ball park. I would do it as a definite eg ‘what time are we meeting to look round the school’ and third wheel until they get the hint. Also do the same back if it’s your day ‘ what time are we meeting for visit or parents evening’

I wish you luck. X

Swipe left for the next trending thread