Step parenting is hard but…

[TeaNoSugars]

if your husband/partner is decent it’s bearable.

Been with DH 10 years and it’s been difficult at times, but we have a great marriage and I really think he’s a fantastic man. He cares deeply about me and all his children, is respectful, has learnt how to maintain healthy boundaries with his exW (Mum of one child).

Do you ever think that if the ex had just been a decent person she would be living the life you are now and what an idiot she was to be such a dick? I’ve seen DH’s divorce paperwork and know his ex is an unbearable woman, she was abusive (not physically) but did things like lock him out the house if she felt he was at work too long, locked him out the bedroom if he went to their crying baby in the night, (she would let them cry it out), would empty bank accounts when she was mad. She’s incredibly manipulative - I’ve seen it at play over the last decade. DH isn’t perfect by any means but he is genuine and sincere and a devoted DH and father.

She wanted to be a SAHM and have DH support a lavish lifestyle AND take the brunt of parenting the moment he was home. She’s tried to trap other men but the same cycle repeats.

I sometimes think to myself how lucky I am live the life I do and how different life might look if exW hadn’t have been such a knob.

Just a musing..!

I think loads of people make mistakes when younger, and many people grow as people as they age. They become more self aware, better people really. So I think most second marriages are better because both parties are more mature, have learnt from mistakes. Not sure what step parenting has to do with it, no man on earth would make me want to be a step parent.

What does always make me smile about posts like this though, is that in real life, myself and every single divorced woman I know, is very very happy that they are no longer with their ex. I am sure exes like you imagine his ex exist, but definitely not in the numbers the second wives on mumsnet would have you believe.

I think the step parent bit is entirely relevant because me and DH are a couple raising children, one of which is a child that isn’t mine and so we are in a stage of our lives that he anticipated would be experienced exclusively with his ex, but instead is experiencing that with me.

I think raising children is a pretty unique period of life and sharing that together special. You can have lots of relationships but you can’t really do that more than once.

@arethereanyleftatall I’m glad you’re happier for having divorced. I’m not berating divorce - just high conflict exes.

I am my DH’s second wife, she cheated on him. I never think she’s missed out on a life with him. They were massively unsuited which would’ve meant they would’ve been miserable together. They’re both much happier with their lives as they are now. Sometimes people are much better off splitting up.

This is my first marriage but I had a LT relationship before this, I’m sure his wife is really happy with my ex and probably thinks she hit the jackpot, I completely disagree, lol

Im sure my exH girlfriend thinks I was awful too and how if only id been more attractive and fun, maybe he'd not have cheated so many times. Thing is, for me he was awful, but she values different things to me. She likes the fact he has lots and spends lots of money (i didn't like this, well the fact he earned lots was good but we never saw it as he spent it on himself!), they both value expensive clothes and brands, expensive cars (I do not). And they both enjoy going for nights out drinking/clubbing... I prefer time with my kids or a hike up a mountain 😂. Looking back, I really don't know why we got married!! But I'm much happier now so I dont really care what she thinks!

@KawasakiBabe that’s true too, my exes wife sings his praises and I think wtf.

This is also my first marriage.

DH and his ex were unsuited but I know she would have preferred to stay together and is still keen to benefit from his success and for example, despite being remarried, more children and 15 odd years passed, still refers to herself proudly as “Mrs Sugars” which always makes me smile. She likes to remind him how well she knows him etc and sends home little reminders of their time together with their child - I swear she has a shrine somewhere devoted to DH. She has held onto some of his possessions and likes to drip feed them over. DH says just bin it 🤣

Do you ever think that if the ex had just been a decent person she would be living the life you are now and what an idiot she was to be such a dick?

No. That's a really bizarre thing to muse on and says a lot more about you than her. I very, very much doubt she'd want your life.

@Stressymadre I don’t think she is awful but she’s devoted a lot of time to trying to reinsert herself into DH’s life and being generally combative. Literally as I was giving birth she was trying to ring to have a chat about their joint child. She has constantly tried to reinsert her of and if DH didn’t have such strong boundaries she would have driven me insane.

Just ponding a successful blended family, if yours isn’t and you’re glad of divorce, good for you.

Not really - just grateful for my life and husband. I know DH would have only left as a last resort out of a sense of duty.

I feel sorry for her. He’s fed her a pile of shit and she believed it and now the wheels are coming off.

I wouldn’t swap for all the tea in China.

step parenting with my OH now and his kids is easy because he is an involved father and mine are grown so I’ve been there and got the t shirt and I’m not naive to the issues.

Glad to see Mystic Megs are here to get a deeper insight into my life than me.

Celebrating a successful marriage and blended family after a turbulent decade but of course MN know better and want to bring you down 🙄

Ah now this is interesting! I still have my exes name, because I cannot be arsed to go through that absolute farce of changing it again, and because it’s my kids names. I would probably say it proudly….in context of someone saying how marvellous my kid (of the same name) is! Likewise memories, I would repeat memories - in front of my children - for their benefit.
but do I want him in my life today? Absolutely not.

Are you sure it's us you're trying to convince?

The posts aren’t intended to tear you down op, at least mine aren’t. More to point out that there are very likely to be two sides to this story and you only have one side.

I wasn’t trying to tear you down at all and I’m sorry if I came across that way.

Would you prefer I came here with regret?

Absolutely and remained open minded when I met DH. But I have drawn my own conclusions and seen for myself over the last ten years - with exW’s behaviour towards DH, me, her other children and exes. We are not talking about a sweetness and light character.

@arethereanyleftatall i understand wanting to share your name with your child. Although only one of her kids has the same name and she uses them interchangeably.

I think second wives (of which I am one) only know one side of the story.

I changed my name. But I understand people who keep their name because it’s their kids name and they want to keep it for that reason.

TBH DH barely spoke about his marriage it’s what I’ve patched together over the years. In some ways he said too little because I had no idea how batshit she was and how difficult she would make life for me. After a very long time (or what feels it) I feel we’ve got a great life and family.

My DH’s ex was physically abusive to him so she can’t have thought much of him. I don’t know if she’s happier now. She’s had a couple of odd relationships since, one involved her meeting a man online and having him try to pick the kids up from school, by himself, within a few days and moving him in within a week. No idea what his deal was. It didn’t last 6 months. She’s been single for ages and presumably wants it that way.

I wasn’t really intending to tear exW down, more celebrate mine and DH’s success. Being a blended family is bloody hard and it’s taken it’s toll on me, but now I can reflect and think I’m glad I’m hear and glad he didn’t stick with exW.

I can’t imagine someone feeling glad that my ex divorced me. Or feeling glad that my oh divorced his previous wife.

Erm. Well my husbands ex couldn’t have had my life because she didn’t want to work for it like me ( one of their main sticking points ) so even if they had stayed together she wouldn’t have had our life. She did once say I was ‘living the life she was supposed to have’ but in reality, they couldn’t have had it together!

life happens, things change, I’d be thankful things worked out the way they did!