Step parenting is hard but…

[TeaNoSugars]

if your husband/partner is decent it’s bearable.

Been with DH 10 years and it’s been difficult at times, but we have a great marriage and I really think he’s a fantastic man. He cares deeply about me and all his children, is respectful, has learnt how to maintain healthy boundaries with his exW (Mum of one child).

Do you ever think that if the ex had just been a decent person she would be living the life you are now and what an idiot she was to be such a dick? I’ve seen DH’s divorce paperwork and know his ex is an unbearable woman, she was abusive (not physically) but did things like lock him out the house if she felt he was at work too long, locked him out the bedroom if he went to their crying baby in the night, (she would let them cry it out), would empty bank accounts when she was mad. She’s incredibly manipulative - I’ve seen it at play over the last decade. DH isn’t perfect by any means but he is genuine and sincere and a devoted DH and father.

She wanted to be a SAHM and have DH support a lavish lifestyle AND take the brunt of parenting the moment he was home. She’s tried to trap other men but the same cycle repeats.

I sometimes think to myself how lucky I am live the life I do and how different life might look if exW hadn’t have been such a knob.

Just a musing..!

That was sort of my point, one persons loss is another’s gain 😍 thank you.

@EG94 thank you, I do post but switch my name around so as not to be recognised 🥰

Of course it could.

Someone mentioned being older (and wiser) in their second marriage... and I'd agree with this.

I see my brother was often irritated with his first wife and ultimately but divorced. The second wife does worse things, which he tolerates.
If he'd been this patient first time round, he wouldn't be divorced and his kids wouldn't have to have a stepmum and all the upheaval they did.

He regrets the divorce, but is stuck with the situation to an extent. He makes the best of it because of their little one and not wanting him to go through what the older ones did.

There's a certain shame in getting divorced twice for some people.

Second time around has it's advantages.

There is some scope for having learnt from their mistakes. But given divorce rates are over 50% higher for second marriages with children from a first marriage, those lessons aren’t of benefit to all!

Indeed.It's definitely not a one size fits all.

The other thing is, where there are no shared kids in a second marriage, or much easier to wait away. No worries about child support for the higher earner and you can cut ties altogether.

Actually, no. They were young, not well-matched and she cheated but I am certain she doesn’t wish that they were still together. She lives in another country and we have never spent much time together but she seems genuinely nice and she is the mother to someone I love very much. I think she, my DH and my DSD would all agree that they shouldn’t ever have got married. They were just young and foolish.
I definitely worried about all these things when we first got together though. I think I had just never loved anyone so much that I could contemplate marrying them until I met DH and it unsettled me that he had.

Actually I often see the qualities in my DP that may have led to the downfall of their marriage (combined of course with hers and the fact they fell out of love). I am aware that the reason we are together and they aren’t is because we still both love each other despite our flaws and see the good intentions behind each others actions and beliefs even when we disagree. We also have a shared vision of the future and a far more equal relationship so I hope that means we can go the distance and still be together as old codgers.

@SwirlingAroundSleep that’s a really nice summary of your marriage. Sounds ideal.

Thanks. We definitely have faced some challenges (not least my own parents disapproval of our family and my DP having kids already) but I know we love the bones of each other and it’s worth all the hardship for the love and laughter.

Of course you can raise kids with some one more than once. Thats the whole point of blended families.

You have kids with someone then end up with someone else.

We had tween & teen separately then started again together. So have raised our kids with other people, by ourselves and then with each other.

Do I ever think anything like that about his ex. No. Im old enough and experienced enough in life to realise that life and relationships can turn on a dime. Im very realistic, we have a great relationship and marriage now.

Who knows what can happen next year or 10 years down the line. My kids could have a SM who s posting the same stuff online about me.

@Whatado yes I realise that people can spilt up for a plethora of reasons and in differing circumstances which I accept my OP didn’t acknowledge.

In DH’s case it was a very short marriage and relationship. Because their child was young and his ex leads a very chaotic life she has demanded a lot of time and attention during our marriage. Which is why I give her any thought at all.

The dynamics would no doubt be different with teens. Thanks for sharing.

no man on earth would make me want to be a step parent.

Why?

What was the turning point for you? When did it stop being hard and start being joyful?

I still wouldn’t say that there’s any joy in it, it’s more that the other parts of my life and marriage are good enough to strike the balance. If I hadn’t have had my own kids I wouldn’t have stuck with it. Now my children are a bit older (4 and 6) it’s become infinitely easier. It was hard when they were small.