Step parenting is hard but…

[TeaNoSugars]

if your husband/partner is decent it’s bearable.

Been with DH 10 years and it’s been difficult at times, but we have a great marriage and I really think he’s a fantastic man. He cares deeply about me and all his children, is respectful, has learnt how to maintain healthy boundaries with his exW (Mum of one child).

Do you ever think that if the ex had just been a decent person she would be living the life you are now and what an idiot she was to be such a dick? I’ve seen DH’s divorce paperwork and know his ex is an unbearable woman, she was abusive (not physically) but did things like lock him out the house if she felt he was at work too long, locked him out the bedroom if he went to their crying baby in the night, (she would let them cry it out), would empty bank accounts when she was mad. She’s incredibly manipulative - I’ve seen it at play over the last decade. DH isn’t perfect by any means but he is genuine and sincere and a devoted DH and father.

She wanted to be a SAHM and have DH support a lavish lifestyle AND take the brunt of parenting the moment he was home. She’s tried to trap other men but the same cycle repeats.

I sometimes think to myself how lucky I am live the life I do and how different life might look if exW hadn’t have been such a knob.

Just a musing..!

there’s nothing inherently unusual about having different thoughts and feelings to other people.

This is so incredibly true .

I always say there are three sides to divorce , his , hers and the truth.

I know. I just can’t imagine feeling glad for the destruction of a marriage with the mess that causes for the people involved - not least of which the children.

@MellowPinkDeer well same, I’m a career woman and she hasn’t worked since pre DH. Being thankful despite the challenges was the essence of the post 😁

you do you.

I’m thankful too! Her loss was my absolute gain. I do believe though that we all change and relationships can be perfect during a time and then you change and grow and it no longer is perfect. No malice, no crappy behaviour just two people on different pages who grow apart and have different aims / aspirations in life.

@MellowPinkDeer I do agree and I don’t view every divorce as a failure either.

It didn't sound very celebratory tbh, just a bit smug about how much better you are than her.

Same

one thing I’m always curious about when people tell me how awful their ex-wife is/partners previous wife is but then are apparently totally content with them being the primary caregiver for their children. There is this narrative of the ex being crazy, abusive, narcissistic, terrible mother etc., and I generally ask them why don’t you go for full custody rather than leave your child is such an abusive unstable situation and then apparently she’s not quite that bad after all!
so I’ll ask you - given that you describe her as abusive and not a good mother… has your husband sought full custody so his child can be with a stable family? I’m sure there are awful women out there, but probably not as many as men/second wives think there are either. (I’m not an ex wife either so no skin in this game, just see the impact of separation and blended families on a lot of children)

That would be bizarre. You have very strange thought processes.

It's really odd that you think your posts are in any way celebrating a "successful blended family" instead of making snide commends about your husband's ex, showing your insecurity.

@Psychologymam DH has always had sole custody.

I am my husbands second wife, and he my second husband. We are both very glad to see the back of our exes. Sometimes you make bad choices (we were both young). We are a better fit than we were in our previous relationships.

This. Bizarre.

She wanted to be a SAHM and have DH support a lavish lifestyle AND take the brunt of parenting the moment he was home. She’s tried to trap other men but the same cycle repeats.

Op I agree with most of what you said but I would guess my dh thinks this- I was a sahm for 8 years because we couldn’t afford childcare and he genuinely thought me going to soft play, buying the kids clothes they needed or driving to my mums was me using up his money and bring a leech. He’d get home late, I’d have been ten hours in the house and he’d head to the bathroom with his phone then go ring someone, go send an email and at this stage I’m getting the kids ready for bed while putting clothes in the wash while tidying etc etc etc. The locking out of course is abominable, but there are three sides to every story.

I always say if he ever gets with someone else they’ll see the lovely side to everything, and he’ll probably come home and help like he never did here. he’s a lovely, amazing, wonderful guy but they’ll never have the stresses or chaos we lived through and so will think ‘ah it must have been the crazy ex wife!’

@stayathomer
agreed. But if he’s managed to maintain his mask for the past decade and two subsequent kids with me, whilst his exW’s behaviour has repeated with other unstable partners I think it’s more than an act.

TeaNoSugars

It’s not an act or a mask- you just haven’t had to go through the stuff they went through as a younger couple starting out and he’ll have grown and learnt from what went wrong with his first marriage

Yeah see I can see both sides of the coin here. I am grateful for my current DH and I suppose therefore glad that his first marriage didn’t work out otherwise as you say I wouldn’t be living the life I am living and loving!

However, I am also pretty sure that my XH portrays me as the batshit ex lol. And his new wife absolutely believes that. Definitely two sides to every story. He is definitely the clown in my story! Depends who you listen to I guess.

I think there is a lot to this. As well as just not being the right person for each other.

My husband and I are each other’s first marriage, however we were both raised with step-parents, I have step-siblings too.

We have both said that we don’t recognise the version of our parents with their now spouses, compared to the people they were when they were married to our other parent.
The negative traits my dad would say my mam had during their marriage (not unjustly) weren’t / aren’t present within her marriage to my step-dad. The same as some of the things my step-mam would (accurately) say make my dad a great husband, were absolutely not characteristics and behaviours he demonstrated when married to my mam.

This is true, although given exW’s behaviour I think most people would struggle to cope. Whereas DH and I have settled down.

I don’t disagree there will be other factors involved and DH has changed and evolved as a person. We’ve had to work too, but we’re good communicators - that’s taken some trial and error and understanding.

Im just glad we came out the other side and felt grateful today that things have panned out as they have.

So why do you have so much contact with her then? How does she send reminders back with their child if he has sole custody?
but good for your husband if that is the case - so few dads go for sole custody.

Yeah I was confused by that too. If DH has always had sole custody and she has no contact, how is she messaging back and forward? What’s the point of that and why isn’t she blocked?

According to OP, he’s always had sole custody and she’s with him ten years so for at least 10 years there’s been no reason to have contact with this woman but they still do so anyway…. Despite the abuse. I appreciate it’s hard to convey all the nuances of a situation in a short message but it’s curious .

I grew up with divorced parents. My dad was a far better husband to my stepmum than he was to my mum. Age and experience makes a difference and you can never know exactly what went on behind closed doors.

I don't think I could ever be smug about how I benefited from the breakdown of a family. Being glad that you have a happy marriage is one thing, but there is a child in this that lost the opportunity to grow up in one home with both parents. Regardless of who was at fault, that's not something to crow over.

If being in a blended family is hard for you, an adult who actively chose it, how do you think it is for a child?