Is she a step mother

[Lifeasitis91]

Ex and I have been spilt for a year now, he cheated on me a month later he was in a full blown relationship with her, 3 months later he moved into her home and 4 children

Anyway, we share a 7 DD - he only wants to see her when his new GF is around and her children, doesn't spend any time with her.
Due to the distance and no bed for DD to stay over he only sees DD twice a month on a Sunday, but travelling time is 3 hours in total, so she doesn't really see her dad, she also shares her dad's time with the 4 other children.
I've tried to talk to him, but he shuts me down and doesn't communicate about this, our DD was also recently diagnosed with ADHD and he hasn't bothered to "get involved"
Due to the way their relationship began, I haven't met or even had a conversation with his gf - he has smeared my name to Kingdom come!
But he has now started saying (to piss me off I'm sure) that his gf is my DDs stepmother!

I have a step mother, my parents divorced when I was 9, my dad met my stepmother a year later - I lived with my dad and stepmother for 7 months when I was 14 due to my mother being involved in a nasty car crash, my dad took my sister and I in for this time, while she recovered
My step mother became a parent to me, long before my mother's car accident, cooking, homework, attending school plays, helping with "girly life" attending parents evening etc everything that my own mother did. She never had any children of her own. However we never called her "mum" which is something I feel my ex would suggest my DD do.
My father is a fabulous man, he was very hands on, we stayed with him 3 weekends out of 4 and half the holidays.
My mum also remarried when I was 19, I never referred to my mum's husband as my step dad as he never done any parenting - to myself or my older sister.

My ex knows nothing about our DD does no parenting, never has done, never shown interest in our DD. But yet his gf is my DD stepmother!
I know I should ignore him, but he's really starting to get to me.

I understand why they think she is, I'm sure he's under the impression that he is her DC step father (they have a active father in lives as far as I know)
He was always "anti step parents" never took to the word, I was with him 10 years and now suddenly after 10 months he's all for it
Maybe I'm ranting, but please help me make sense of this.

No she is an ad-hoc dads girlfriend. No more, no less.

My ex knows nothing about our DD does no parenting, never has done, never shown interest in our DD

If this the truth then she's probably doing quite a lot of the parenting tasks for your daughter, alongside looking after her own four. Like it or not she's likely to be playing a motherly role to her at least for now. And this is a good thing if your ex is as neglectful towards her as you describe.

@PrawnAgain I doubt it, he only sees her for 6 hours a month, most of that is traveling time, she's only given him a lift twice he comes on his own and they meet half way for an hour and he brings her back.
She does the same as my ex, nothing

She’s his girlfriend but he could marry her later today and she’d become your DD’s stepmother. The important thing isn’t the terminology but the bond and how well they get on; it doesn’t sound like this woman is someone your DD is going have a deeply bonded relationship with.

Step mother is not just a word. It’s a legal term for the wife of a remarried dad’s children. What you’ve stated is just your opinion, but it’s not a philosophical question open to debate. There is a right and wrong answer. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how much you love each other, you are not a step parent until you are legally married. Anyone trying to falsely shoehorn this term into a relationship is doing so with an agenda.

Step mother isn't a legal term or concept. I have no legal rights or responsibilities to my husbands children.

That sounds really shit for your daughter.

I mean who actually cares whether she is or not. Your child only visits him twice a month so I doubt she gives a shit either. Let it go and enjoy your life.

Stepmother I believe is something you earn, maybe legally it’s about marriage to their parent but actually you need to be involved in their life, provide that guidance that they need. My dsd has really accepted me and has told me many times she values that i have been there when her own mother was not (sometimes choice sometimes for complicated and not nice reasons)

@FuzzyWolf he's already said he isn't going to marry her, he said "that's a step too far" and also said that he believes he can come back to me if he wanted to, or it didn't work out.
He can walk tomorrow, he wouldn't give a shit about those 4 children, he doesn't give a shit about his own.

He's doing it to get a rise from me, my DD had chickenpox a few weeks ago, said he was going to call her - I told him to call at 6 as she didn't sleep the night before, he said yeh then I never heard from him until 8.19 that evening - just randomly called I didn't answer, sent a message saying she's asleep and asked why he didn't call - he ignored my message

I doubt she really gives a shit, she's got a man in the house, he was there from day1, moved in a few months later - if she has such little concern from her own child's safety/happiness/wants or needs I doubt she has any for my DD

@Danioyellow Chip on shoulder much? First wives club?

@Lifeasitis91 you seem a bit over involved in his life. Why are you discussing his relationship and whether or not he wants to get married with him? I think you'd be a lot happier if you let go of him and focus on rebuilding your life.

Can implement some firmer boundaries with him and keep discussions to your daughter only?

@PrawnAgain I'm not overly involved, we don't speak at all.
This came from him when he came to collect our DD a few weeks ago and boosting about how happy he was, that's all he says he tries to wind me up as I don't speak to him about nothing.
This time I bit back and said "if your that happy then marry her" he replied back with what I've already said

I have let go, I never chased or begged for him to stay, if he wants to cheat then do so.
It's my response that gets his back up, because I'm not chasing him so he tries everytime to get a response, whether it's about how happy he is or how much money he now earns (he owes me a ton, I've given up asking for that back)

Like I said, yes I'm still hurt I still can't believe he did what he did, but am I happier - yes

@PrawnAgain he asked if he could come back if it didn't work out, I laughed to which he said "I know I can if I wanted to"
It's not me, this is a man who up until may was still "trying" it with me at every drop off, even when he knew he would be meeting his gf.

Trust me, I've let go that's not the man I want in my life or do I deserve, I know my worth

@PrawnAgain oh and she went on holiday in July with her 4 DC for 2 weeks and left him home alone, who was he calling at 11 at night every 2 nights? Me, I ignored the calls
So is she my DD step mother or just the next victim
I've no intention of trying to contact her to tell her this, not my circus - I'll let her learn. She cheated with a man, he will cheat on you

@PrawnAgain I don't tell him nothing anymore, because he doesn't respond so what's the point.
If he was that bothered, he would ask or find out himself, he knows her school her childminder, doesn't contact them - just wants to wind me up but I'm letting it go.
As people have said on here, she's just his gf I doubt she really gives a shit about my DD, if she did she wouldn't have gone there with a man who was in a relationship.
Thanks though

Honestly you really don't sound like you've let go. You sound like you're very angry. Understandable because you were cheated on but ultimately it's not going to help you.

@PrawnAgain I'm not angry at him for the way he treats my DD she doesn't deserve this everything he ever said he's doing the complete opposite, I'm still hurt but I'm learning to love myself and heal. I think I'm allowed to feel how I'm feeling, especially when he doesn't seem to leave me in peace, despite my boundaries.

I've let go, there's nothing to hold onto - I simply replied to you, it's not me - I'm not holding onto him.
I'm sure he does all to torment me as I don't give him what he wants (admiration, praise, love) I believe he is a narcissist, like I have said it's not my show.

I have my answer to my question, and I knew it before - he's saying things to get at me and I have to let it go.
I doubt he will be in my DD life in the next 5 years, and will probably be with his 2nd or 3rd "stepmother"
Thank you

*angry at him

He does sound awful. I hope he at least pays child support.

Definitely focus on loving yourself. One of my friends has a separate PAYG phone that she uses to discuss her son with her ex and he's blocked on everything else. It's really helped her to maintain boundaries. Something like that could help you if he's disturbing your peace

@PrawnAgain he does, only because he's forced to pay through CMS - they take it straight from his wages now. Sadly, I get a little less because he lives with other children, but it's better than nothing and I work myself, so I'm not on the "breadline" so to speak.

Been there, done that - he refuses to use email, asked me numerous times to unblock him from what's app so we can "communicate"

He rings me on 141 as I've blocked his number from my phone.
If he does call and what's to speak to DD I use Google meets

Sorry? Been with my partner 29 years since teenagers, have 3 children together. Neither of us ever married and we don’t plan on marrying each other either. I was stating a fact as it does irritate me when people state their opinions as facts when they are not.
Definition of step parent- (and yes it is a legal term, I didn’t say it gave the step parent any legal rights to the children)-

A step-parent is someone who is married to or in a civil partnership with a child's biological parent, but is not that child's biological parent themselves. While a step-parent often assumes a parental role and shares parenting duties, their legal rights and responsibilities are separate from their biological parent spouse.

I don't think "legal term" means what you think it does.

Just need some advice, am I being too sensitive on this.
My ex mostly ignores me, our communication is terrible. I do try, I keep it factual.
He let our DD down (again) last week, forgot that he was supposed to see her on a Sunday (his Sunday) rearranged to a Saturday then failed to show up, no call no message. I didn't chase him, I left it - took him 3 days to contact us.
I have now offered him medation or court, a professional spotlight is needed to see if this man is worth all the agro.

He called last night, asking to see DD this weekend, I told him no as firstly it wasn't his weekend and secondly, we need a court approved plan, and to get the ball rolling.
His gf came on the phone and said the following to me, all while I could hear him in the background coughing (I'm sure he had been drinking, maybe her too!)
Your communication skills are terrible
I love your DD (she's seen her no more than 36 hours collectively)
My children love your DD
I treat her like she's my own
If you want to arrange contact go through me
I've been a mother longer than you
He's no angel but neither are you
I've told him to pay for your DD
And I'm in the same boat as you (assuming her ex doesn't pay for his DC or messes her around with contact and money)

Whilst I appreciate she's kind to my DD, I felt that she has stepped over some boundaries, I'm certainly not communicating through her, I told her this and politely ended the conversation.
I messaged my ex and said "please call me when you want to discuss our child"

She may have felt like she was helping, but I can imagine the smug git sitting there watching 2 women argue, his gf sorting out his responsibilities

Am I being too sensitive here?
I do feel she was the one who started calling herself stepmother, surely this should be dictated by my DD not this woman or my ex?

She also knew my ex was supposed to turn up last week, she said "I told him to call and cancel"
Whilst she can't force him, I'm assuming they went out for the day knowing my DD would be waiting for her father
Just all seems very sad