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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is she a step mother

54 replies

Lifeasitis91 · 01/09/2025 02:20

Ex and I have been spilt for a year now, he cheated on me a month later he was in a full blown relationship with her, 3 months later he moved into her home and 4 children

Anyway, we share a 7 DD - he only wants to see her when his new GF is around and her children, doesn't spend any time with her.
Due to the distance and no bed for DD to stay over he only sees DD twice a month on a Sunday, but travelling time is 3 hours in total, so she doesn't really see her dad, she also shares her dad's time with the 4 other children.
I've tried to talk to him, but he shuts me down and doesn't communicate about this, our DD was also recently diagnosed with ADHD and he hasn't bothered to "get involved"
Due to the way their relationship began, I haven't met or even had a conversation with his gf - he has smeared my name to Kingdom come!
But he has now started saying (to piss me off I'm sure) that his gf is my DDs stepmother!

I have a step mother, my parents divorced when I was 9, my dad met my stepmother a year later - I lived with my dad and stepmother for 7 months when I was 14 due to my mother being involved in a nasty car crash, my dad took my sister and I in for this time, while she recovered
My step mother became a parent to me, long before my mother's car accident, cooking, homework, attending school plays, helping with "girly life" attending parents evening etc everything that my own mother did. She never had any children of her own. However we never called her "mum" which is something I feel my ex would suggest my DD do.
My father is a fabulous man, he was very hands on, we stayed with him 3 weekends out of 4 and half the holidays.
My mum also remarried when I was 19, I never referred to my mum's husband as my step dad as he never done any parenting - to myself or my older sister.

My ex knows nothing about our DD does no parenting, never has done, never shown interest in our DD. But yet his gf is my DD stepmother!
I know I should ignore him, but he's really starting to get to me.

I understand why they think she is, I'm sure he's under the impression that he is her DC step father (they have a active father in lives as far as I know)
He was always "anti step parents" never took to the word, I was with him 10 years and now suddenly after 10 months he's all for it
Maybe I'm ranting, but please help me make sense of this.

OP posts:
Dairymilkisminging · 01/09/2025 02:25

Personally I don't think your a step parent unless you get married or do a large part of parenting. Otherwise it's just dad/mums girlfriend/boyfriend.

My ex is doing the same well. His new girlfriend is plastering all over Facebook how she now has 6 kids coz of her step kids and her own 🙄 she's never met them

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 01/09/2025 02:28

He's saying it to get at you. You know this.

Just laugh in his face and then ignore.

You know yourself that there's no relationship there, the name itself means nothing.

Original poster
Lifeasitis91 · 01/09/2025 02:35

@Dairymilkisminging that was my belief as well, he doesn't do any parenting - just takes her out for a day and sends her home, so what parenting does his gf do!
My ex's mum shows more of a interest in her, asked for a copy of her results, my ex ignored the messages I sent him, never replied back.

He's changed personality over night (this is separate) hated Notting hill carnival, he went last Monday, he wouldn't even let me go when we were together
Hated cats, just got a kitten
Now stating this rubbish!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeasitis91 · 01/09/2025 02:38

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice I know, but it's rattled me as I feel like it's an insult to actual step parents that put in the work, not some random (who he has admitted he will cheat on her and find thebjest person when he gets bored) who has fallen for his lies and BS

If my DD had somewhere to sleep then I'd be up for a sleep over, but she doesn't they are all in a 2 bed flat (she's got all girls)

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 01/09/2025 02:40

Ignore him. He's talking rubbish. The other woman is just someone he's shacked up with, the relationship could end tomorrow, and it is far too short for him to have involved his dd this soon.

If he isn't interested in his dd now, over time, expect him to become less and less involved in your dd's life. He'll be less willing to drive to fetch her, and eventually he'll disappear completely.

Original poster
Lifeasitis91 · 01/09/2025 02:46

@Meadowfinch that's how I see it too.
He doesn't drive, his gf does so she ferries him down with her kids in tow or they get the train with all the kids. That will not last I'm sure

OP posts:
Dairymilkisminging · 01/09/2025 02:57

Haha same. My ex gf is driving him about all the time too. It'll not last so I wouldn't worry too much.

TwinklyNight · 01/09/2025 03:22

I don't think she officially is a step-mother if they are not married nor has she been in your dd's life long enough or bonded with her.
I don't see why your ex has not bought a bed for your dd is he cheap? Are the gf's 4 girls in bunk beds?

Original poster
Lifeasitis91 · 01/09/2025 06:44

@TwinklyNight and the fact that she does no parenting, just spends 6 hours a month with her.

There's no room, there's already 4 children in one room, two sets of bunk beds.
I was told she would have to sleep on the sofa, in the living room on her own.
No room for a camp bed in the children's bedroom.

That's ok on the sofa if staying over once in an emergency but it's not a permanent fixture and I'm not having my daughter sleep like that.
I said why doesn't the eldest (12) give up her bed for a night followed by the next eldest (9)
I was told no.
Children are 4,7,9 and 12

OP posts:
BengalBangle · 01/09/2025 07:32

She's not a stepmother, but she is an adult whom your daughter has some contact with, so try not to demonise her in your head, which would be easy to do when your ex is acting like a twunt.

unicornsarereal72 · 01/09/2025 07:45

Let it go. He is just trying to get a response from you. My parents both remarried. Both had nothing to do with bringing me up. They were and still are my parents husband/wife. And I’m in my 50’s now.

Cinnabonswirl · 01/09/2025 07:47

I think you’re getting caught up in his drama. You’re demonising this other woman and asking other children to give up their bed. You’re seeing them all as the problem whenIn fact this woman is going out of her way to drive him and all her kids all over the place to try to facilitate a relationship between your daughter and him, if I’ve understood correctly.

he lives with her so probably she is a step mother. I have a step mother, I’ve barely spoken to the woman 5 times in my life, despite living with her for a couple of chunks of time. Not all step mothers are like yours, I expect it means something to you that it doesn’t to many other people. I think you just need to let it go.

itsgettingweird · 01/09/2025 07:51

One of the best things I learned from MN is about grey rocking.

You just need to learn to ignore.

Your DD matters most in this and whatever name he uses for her she’s still his GF atm.

Jm glad to hear you had such a positive relationship with your SM though and I agree a stepparent steps up and parents.

Original poster
Lifeasitis91 · 01/09/2025 09:07

I suppose I am demonising her, but this is a woman who knew I existed and still proceeded with the relationship, am I hurt still, yes of course am I working on myself and healing, absolutely - that's why I've chosen to remain single.

She has driven him twice, both when there has been problems with trains, I don't believe it's anything to do with "facilitating" a relationship more so her children have a playdate - my ex has let my DD so many times but yet I've heard her (on the phone, during a conversation with him blame me for his failings)

Yes he lives with her, I get that yes she will have some sort of relationship but I'm not overly keen on my DD being forced into a "happy family situation" 11 months after her father walked out.
His gf might be happy and finding it ok to introduce and have "step parents" from day dot - I dont.
If and when I do move a partner in, it will be a very very long time before I start introducing him as my DD step father, even then I feel that this is something that she decides.

But you are all right, I need to let it go and ignore, he's doing it to get a rise out of me and I'm letting him win

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 01/09/2025 12:24

I wouldn't be facilitating her spending time with the girlfriend. If he is there and actively having time with her fine but otherwise she's better off spending that time with an actual parent. Just refer to her as 'daddy's girlfriend' . If the kids mention step mother say that's not a thing until they are married and then only of they choose it. It isn't dictated by her or by their dad.

Loadsapandas · 01/09/2025 12:30

It must be so hard but let it go.

Forget about her, HE introduced another, he betrayed his partner and child, he broke your family.

He is barely a dad, should he be called that for 6 hrs a month?

What sort of dad was he before?

Anyway, every time I think about her I’d refocus it onto him. After all, she can only do as much or as little as he allows her to, it’s him that has the power.

Cinnabonswirl · 01/09/2025 13:14

She has driven him twice, both when there has been problems with trains, I don't believe it's anything to do with "facilitating" a relationship more so her children have a playdate - my ex has let my DD so many times but yet I've heard her (on the phone, during a conversation with him blame me for his failings)

well it seems very handy for him that both women are so focused on each other, rather than on him.
ofc you’re hurt, ofc she’s not handled things brilliantly. But reframe this, she’s stuck with this waste of space, and he’s missing out on your dd. Don’t get dragged into the drama of competing with some woman.

ThirdStorm · 01/09/2025 13:32

Your post made me reflect on my childhood. My parents split when I was young and my dad lived with the women he left mum for. She was nice enough. I saw him EOW at her house, she was there with her 3 children who I wasn't that close to, I hardly knew them. I just remember enjoying the pancakes she made for breakfast, it was no deeper than that. Our visits tailed off because my mum was supposedly "difficult" (As an adult I later found out my dad asked to just take me and not my younger brother and mum was firm about not picking a favourite so he stopped contact totally). I think he married the lady, so I guess she did become my stepmum, and I've heard the odd story about what a great parent he was to her kids but I've not had any contact in years and it was only this post that made me think about it!

Fayaway · 01/09/2025 13:43

I have no direct experience of your situation but what I took from your post is how well you speak of your family and also your ex’s mum. Try to hang onto these and build a good firm relationship with other nan. No need to put him down, she already probably feels embarrassed by and disappointed in him. My children are older and my ex remarried - I just eye-roll now at his changes - Joules socks with dogs on, burgundy chinos, endless holidays, endless gardening… I’m making light of it but please don’t spend your time, like I did, getting worked up by this as your child will grow up loving and respecting you. Put your energy into that and the wider “team” of family and good friends.

PrawnAgain · 01/09/2025 15:00

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Step-mother is just a word. What matters is whether or not she is kind to your daughter.

She has driven him twice, both when there has been problems with trains, I don't believe it's anything to do with "facilitating" a relationship more so her children have a playdate -

By your own admission you've never met this woman. I'm not sure why you feel qualified to decide what her motivations are ....

Ultimately it's much better for your child if all the adults in her life are civil and she's able to bond with this woman without feeling that she's being disloyal to you. Please don't let your bitterness make things harder for your a your daughter than they need to be.

DaisyDoodler · 01/09/2025 15:21

PrawnAgain · 01/09/2025 15:00

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Step-mother is just a word. What matters is whether or not she is kind to your daughter.

She has driven him twice, both when there has been problems with trains, I don't believe it's anything to do with "facilitating" a relationship more so her children have a playdate -

By your own admission you've never met this woman. I'm not sure why you feel qualified to decide what her motivations are ....

Ultimately it's much better for your child if all the adults in her life are civil and she's able to bond with this woman without feeling that she's being disloyal to you. Please don't let your bitterness make things harder for your a your daughter than they need to be.

I agree totally with this. Divorced twice unfortunately but in my experience it’s not the divorce that affects the kids so much as how all the adults deal with it. If there is stress and conflict between the adults it affects the kids. If the adults are civil and amicable then kids just accept and get on with it all.

incognitomouse · 02/09/2025 13:06

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Step-mother is just a word. What matters is whether or not she is kind to your daughter.

@PrawnAgain Agree with this, and I am a stepmother, as in I am married to their dad. Before we were married I still called them my stepchildren, they still referred to me as their stepmother - it's more about the relationship itself rather than the technicalities of marriage.

I don't do any actual mothering or real parenting - they have two parents for that already but I do stuff like their laundry, I cook for them (not all the time, their dad does most as they are fussy eaters) and I give them lifts to and from places when they need them.

People get too hung up on the word stepmother when it doesn't really mean that much.

Hoardasurass · 02/09/2025 14:29

No she's not a stepmother she's just his girlfriend and both legally and realistically nothing to your dd.
Ignore him and maybe think about changing access arrangements as that's too much travelling for her vs time spent with her dad

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/09/2025 17:20

Try to ignore it. What he calls his gf is nothing to do with you really. Trying to insist that he uses a different term will just make you appear petty and jealous, although I can see why you're frustrated.

In my case my husband's ex made it into a huge drama every time SD referred to me as her Stepmum right up to the day we got married- as if we had any influence over what she referred to me as when I wasn't even there!

He's probably hoping to paint you as the same kind of crazy ex as some of us have actually been blessed with and making it into a big deal will play into his hands.

Sassylovesbooks · 02/09/2025 18:22

I personally don't think a person is a step-parent unless they have married the person with a child or/and they are doing a lot of the parenting of the child. Otherwise they are a boyfriend/girlfriend or partner of their parent. In these circumstances, your ex-partner's girlfriend, is just that, a girlfriend. However, he's purely saying these things because he knows it will irritate and upset you. Yes, it's entirely possible he could insist your daughter calls his girlfriend Mum, and at 7 years old, it's going to be difficult for her to refuse, even if she doesn't want too. If you say anything to your ex, then you'll come across as nothing more than a bitter woman. In all honesty as much as it pisses you off, hold your tongue and say nothing or simply say 'Oh, I see' in a non-committal way.